MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

She sounds awful. Don’t berate yourself. He’s grieving, perhaps give him space but don’t allow untruths to be spouted.
“ I know you’re hurting but that is just not true.” On repeat.

Being honest I’ve not always had a great relationship with my in-laws. I did however work on the relationship with them because it was important for my children to spend time with them, to know them, to love them. It sounds like you’ve shut her off and this has prevented this because your kids are ‘clingy’ to you.

Im not surprised your husband is hurt. Loosing someone can open your eyes to what’s been going on, you start to see things differently or even more clearly. He may see this as an orchestrated move on your part and struggle to understand why you couldn’t have been more tolerant, especially for the children.

I wouldn't tolerate that shit from him.
I'd be saying v nicely I understand you are hurting but I'm not your punching bag in grief. If he wants to talk about his own mistakes with his mother and his own regrets that's one thing. But not a chance would I let him use any of it as a stick to beat me with. Sounds like you made the best decisions you could at the time and if he had a problem then was the time to say it.
I'd support anyone in grief, I'd probable take some crappy moods and some snapping. But I wouldn't be anyones punching bag.

Sadly I think at 2 and 4 they wont remember her anyway. The only thing you can do is agree that your DH can take the children to her and get some photos of them together. Are the kids old enough not to scream and cry and make it worse? If they dont really know her and make a scene, it may make things worse, but I think you may just have to suck it up and go and see her with the kids and get some photos at least. YOur DH is being deliberately nasty to you to assuage his own guilt and laziness. Calling you a precious princess for not putting up with his mothers crap is not on.

You seem very much lacking in empathy to me. Even though she is now at deaths door, its all about you. The more you right and the more examples you give I can't help but feel you sound incredibly self centred and entitled. Like some cake and sweets here and there, could you not let that slide? Could you not let her have had that moment? My mother in law does alot of things that I think is a little strange but I leave her be. I leave her to develop her own relationship with my children and yes it includes some biscuits here and there.

Your husband is clearly distraught but he probably also feels let down by you and I can understand that. This time with his mum and the interaction with the grandchildren is not something that he will be able to get back. Your first post says

I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me'

Such a cold, callus way to talk about a dying family member. Entitled and self absorbed. Just awful

Have some empathy, your husbands mother is dying. He's grieving and saying (presumably) all the things that have built up over the years where he's just bitten his tongue and you're making it about you.

Having empathy doesn't mean you have to take shit. I wouldn't be telling my daughter to let her husband to use her as an emotional punchbag so I certainly don't think any other woman should.

"Such a cold, callus way to talk about a dying family member. Entitled and self absorbed. Just awful"

What a load of bollox.
It'd irrelevant that she's dying. We all die.
If you die without your family around you, it's usually because you deserve it.
If you die with your family around you, its usually because you deserve it.

Quite. There is no excuse for this behaviour, he's an adult. Also he's very much projecting on op re his own lack of effort with taking dc to see his mother more and building a relationship there. What was stopping him doing that, I'd be asking him.

Wow. I think you’ve taken quite enough here. How about a firm ‘Dh, stop it. I am not your punching bag for your grief. Where were you when I needed support and defending as a vulnerable tired new mum? I’d have been more present in her life if I had support in my marriage, but you were defending your mum. I know you loved her, and I am sorry you’re hurting. Now I am going to my parents for the night as I do not have to put up with you having a go at me nonstop. Would you like me to take the dc?’

DID you stand up for yourself though?? It doesn’t sound like you really did? Or did you just nod and say nothing at the time, then do everything you could to keep her away from you and the kids so you didn’t have to put up with her ‘comments’?

i feel for your DH, he sounds stuck in the middle and he can’t be blamed for assuming you’d all have more time to work on the issues, it sounds like the rugs been pulled out from under him.

You seem determined to defend yourself and your stroppy attitude OP, but to me it comes across a self centred and very unfair on your MIL.
We all have things said and done to us along life’s way that we don’t like but in a grown up world we learn to get over it and try to be the better person, you seem determined not to like your MIL, are you jealous that your husband loves his a mum so much.
You must have a heart of stone to not see how heartbroken your husband is.

Yes

@alicedbr

I was going to say YABU because MIL sounds annoying.

But you really could have made more effort to have the children build a relationship with her.

I didn't get along with MIL and sent children with dad- I rarely ever went. You should have told the children that they need to go.

You are the adult, don't pretend to be peerless because they're 'clingy'. They're clingy because you never made an effort to have them bond with her.

That is quite unfair given that the things she did were minor annoyances and not so bad that she should be denied the change to see her grandchildren.

No.

His mother is dying: and you are still going on about me, me, me! YABVU

Look after yourself op, she sounds like a nasty woman. My DH would not get away with those comments more than once.

I honestly cannot believe what I am reading. The amount of people who are berating you and defending your MIL toxic abuse and trying to play down how badly she has treated you is nothing other than downright gaslighting. If this behaviour had come from a man it would be LTB left right and centre. The fact this behaviour came from a woman who is now dying makes absolutely no odds. I’m not unsympathetic, my own mother died when I was a very young adult. She also could behave in ways that were totally unacceptable and I can recognise that and always have been able to. Just because she’s dead it doesn’t mean it isn’t the truth. Your husband should have supported you and had your back when she was being spiteful and undermining your parenting. If he had and she had been dealt with appropriately instead of placated then maybe the relationship would have been different and she could have had a better relationship with your children. He chose to betray you as your husband and you are the mother of his children so he now must suffer the consequences of both their poor choices. I would never, ever tolerate anyone speaking to me like that nor talking down to my children about me. Everyone else blaming you are just as poorly behaved as your mother in law. Pay them no heed. One day we all will face judgement day and have to pay for our actions in life. We don’t get a free pass to be an asshole in life because one day we’re going to die. I don’t really have any advice because your husband is clearly grieving but is absolutely using his failings as a rod to beat you with which is totally unacceptable. It will get better, just try not to engage. You did what anyone with a shred of self respect would do and protected yourself from her character assassinations and constant put-downs. Don’t ever feel guilty for it. If you’d have given her the opportunity she would have just poison dropped about you into your children’s ear and likely controlled and emotionally manipulated them too. People who behave like your MIL see people only as extensions as their selves and if you can’t respect the woman who mothers your grandchildren and looks after your children as their wife; doesn’t deserve respect in my book either. Respect is earned not demanded. When your husband reacts in his anger I would probably say something like “Your reality is not my reality we will have to agree to disagree”. Dont let him use you as his whipping boy because he’s upset. We all go through bad times in life it’s no excuse to be cruel. Good luck.

You seem to have a lack of empathy yourself.

I always find it funny when people criticise others about lack of empathy but yet they can only feel empathy for one person in a situation and then tear into the other one.

Spot on @Panaa !

Op it does sound like you kept the grandchildren away from her.

You wouldn't go with them to visit but wouldn't let them go alone because the kids were clingy.

If she visited you, you would go out and take the kids with you.

You could easily have gone and sat in another room for a bit claiming you had stuff to do if you needed some space from her. You didn't have to go out and take the kids with you!

I wonder if DH has found your parents bloody annoying and interfering at times? I'm sure he has.

She was your husband's mother. Male or female, I would expect anyone to put up with annoying and interfering i laws sometimes for the sake of their partner.
It's really not that hard.

We all have colleagues we find annoying, rude and interfering but generally just get on with it for the sake of a job. So why not put up with the same in in laws especially when you don't see them loads. For the sake of your husband

It's funny how women are only encouraged to put such firm boundaries in place when it is the in laws

I haven't read all this thread. Grief is the ultimate reality check, it comes crashing in and everything one might have done better is suddenly in your face. The rest of the time, it doesn't matter, it can be put on the back burner. The relationship the MIL might have had with her grandkids once they were older and more their own people? That can't happen now. This is because of her illness, not because of the OP.

If I'm correct, they are 2 and 4? If so I just don't see what 'relationship' they would remember really.

It's not OPs fault that the MIL who was awful to her is dying prematurely. And the fact that she's dying doesn't suddenly make OP a terrible person for having boundaries, even though if she's posted about a well MIL saying such things you'd all be encouraging her to have those very boundaries.

OP also does not have to put up with abusive behaviour from her husband. Grieving is not an excuse.

I find it quite shocking how many people on here are berating the OP for ‘keeping the dc away’ from MIL. OPs DH could have made more effort, it’s not OPs issue. Why should any of us make any effort with someone who is horrible to us?

If my DH hated my family I’d still take my DC to see them. He wouldn’t be able to stop me. If I was too lazy or apathetic to do so (like OPs husband) then that would be on me and me alone.

Tbh it's such a stupid thing to say it would have made me laugh. Not take mortal offence.

The part where you say your children are closer to your parents than his mum stands out to me, @alicedbr

My dad’s mum used to get me alone and try to shame me - first over my security blanket when I was 3, telling me only babies had those. Then at 8, she tried shaming me over my one-piece little girls swimsuit.
She was not a kind woman in general.
Eventually, I just stayed away from her and made sure to never allow myself to be alone with her.
I became very close with my maternal grandparents though, and they were loving and kind.
Children are naturally going to drift towards the more loving people - I don’t think people give children enough credit for their instincts.