MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

I feel sorry for him and his mum. You have deprived her of a relationship with her grandchildren and them of a relationship with their GM. Now she is dying there is nothing you can do to rectify that.

Stop down playing it, that is not the reason why and if you bothered to read the OP's posts you'd know it.

For the record NO grandparents should not give grandchildren cake just before they are going to bed when the mum has specifically asked them not to and to pass it off as just something grandparents do is a load of crap.

You skipped over the abhorrent berating of the OP for not having a C-section and the killer line of her putting her husband through a vaginal birth ffs.

How a woman choses to give birth and how she choses to feed that baby whether by breast or formula is the choice of the mother and no-one else and no-one should comment, criticise or judge.

Unless Op actively prevented him having his kids with his mum when he wanted then no she hasn't.

The MIL might have seen more of them if she hadn't been nasty to OP.

That's not on the Op.

@booksandbrooks you could not of said it any better! We do this too so our kids can be with the relatives they love!

How about you comfort him, but also explain that his anger is misplaced.

You are completely happy with the relationship you and your DC have had with his mother. He is 50% parent and if he wasn't happy about it then he should have done something about it earlier (like form a stronger bond with his toddler so they didn't get so distressed when you left).

This is not on you. There are good people and bad people in the world. Bad people obviously die and it's ridiculous the way that death makes people claim that sinners were saints.

Your MIL doesn't have a good relationship with you because she's treated you horribly; why would you want to spend time with someone like that?

That fact doesn't change because she's dying. It sounds harsh but it's true.

You could get hit by a bus tomorrow; would you want to spend your last day on earth cosying up to a woman who clearly despises you, or doing something you enjoy, with people who like you?

Are you really so wet you couldn’t possibly get over your mother in law commenting inappropriately on your chosen method of birthing your kids?

What a drama queen. Surely you would just say ‘sure thanks for the input Susan’ and do your own thing anyway?

Are you really so wet you couldn’t possibly get over your mother in law commenting inappropriately on your chosen method of birthing your kids?

Seriously? You would be happy for someone to berate you for putting your husband through a vaginal birth?

What planet are you and the MIL on?

Talk about victim blaming, I hope you don’t have kids, they don’t stand a chance! Jesus Christ. And actually I would’ve been rude back but seems Op was asked not to by her husband so she can’t win can she?

Agree with this 100%

Sounds like you were being overly precious and difficult to get along with, which is a shame.

I berated my mil years and years ago for always bringing my daughter sweets. I so regret it now....we get on like a house on fire and thankfully it was forgotten fairly soon after I had said it but I still think back on it and think god I was a nob!

I don’t think ‘victim blaming’ means what you think it means.

my late gran was always worried she would get a controlling DIL (out of 3 sons, she was bound to get at least 1). Fortunately she didn't. And her grandchildren got to see and be at peace with her before she passed, and she knew they loved her. Shame this poor lady won't get the same.

Oh it does. OP has been bullied by her MIL for years and you’re blaming anyone not tolerating the comments because you consider them ‘wet’. Deranged perspective

Your MIL is dying, hes going through great stress, sadness, guilt for all the things he thinks he could/should of done.
This is normal, let him go through all the emotions of grief it may last a long time, men are not usually very good with feelings in this way, encourage him to talk it out rather than bottle it up, just listen , this is not about you and whats happened in the past, bite your tongue i would say forget everything shes ever said just be as nice as you can to her in what time she has left, try and make peace for his sake, its a terribly sad time.

I honestly wouldn’t give a shit. Fortunately I am very comfortable in my choices. I’d laugh and move on!

All this weeping and wailing over nothing on mumsnet.

All this weeping and wailing over nothing on mumsnet.

Ah I’m sure we are all so grateful to have someone so brave and thick skinned and resilient to learn from 🙄

Seems better than the alternative! I’ll leave it here because I value my time and I think we are coming at it from (thankfully for me!) very different perspectives. But yeah, catch on a bit would be my advice!

Could you have made an effort, been thicker skinned and accepted cultural differences? Possibly. Could he have made more of a point that he wanted his dc to have a relationship with his dm? Yes. But too late now and he’s regretting it. Mil hated me breast feeding dc. No idea why. However, she loves the dc and despite her oddities and our different approaches, I’ve always encouraged their relationship. But that’s me and every family has their own dynamic. I’ve chilled out over the years realising what really matters.

I absolutely fucking loathe that "it's what grannies do" line. My mum does it when she's feeding them mother fucking Haribo for breakfast (not even joking).

Hmm this is a tricky one OP. You both sound like quite strong personalities to be honest. And probably DH was not strong willed enough to forge a relationship with MIL and your DC’s which he’s clearly regretting.
I think all you can do now is say “I’m sorry MIL and I didn’t see eye to eye, I know she was a wonderful mother to you, what would you like us to do in the last (however many weeks/months) of her life”. If he wants to take DC to see her I would let him. As an only child myself I know the absolute dread and horror I feel knowing one day my mum won’t be around. Please support him. For the remaining weeks/months of her life please put your own grievances aside.

The issue here has been caused by the MIL and her son's failure to correct her.

If the MIL wanted a good relationship with her DIL and grandchildren then it is simple, respect the mother of your grandchildren, don't make derogatory comments about how she chooses to birth those children or feed them.

It's not hard, MILs the world over manage it perfectly well.

The more difficult the relationship, the more complicated the grief. It sounds like he’s compartmentalising the difficult aspects at if his dm, canonising her and ironing out any cognitive dissonance by casting you as the villain.

It also sounds like he never took much responsibility so it’s not surprising that he’s re writing history in a way that absolves him of all blame.

I don’t really know what you can do or should do about it. Grief is very tricky and it can completely warp and twist your viewpoint.

I think he has probably been quite angry for a long time about the situation and now that she is dying knows it can be rectified and grief is bringing those feelings to the surface.

Let him blow off a bit and don’t interact, if your MIL is conscious could you visit her with the kids and sort of make amends of sorts

Why the fuck have people laid into the OP?

Women are always being laid into on here for not asserting their boundaries in the face of abusive or shit people.

The moment an OP comes on here with well asserted boundaries, she’s laid into for that. 😵‍💫

Who needs misogyny when we’re very good at tearing each other down? Fuck sake.

I think you need to let him be upset/ angry and grieve. Encourage him to make the most of the time left and get some memories with her and the children if she is still well enough. Lots of photos with the children so they can look back on them.
I think it would be kind to try to acknowledge his feelings, maybe say ' I wish we had been closer to your mum as well' something like that takes away the blame and I am sure you do wish you had a better bond with your MIL (if she had treated you differently).

The main issue is the fact your DH didn’t put enough effort in with his children so they were happy spending the day with him and his mum without you. You taking the kids out when his mum visited was exceptionally rude but you and your DH both allowed that.