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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

644 replies

alicedbr · 28/11/2023 13:02

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

OP posts:
housethatbuiltme · 28/11/2023 17:43

It not fair to put it on you.

I still regularly feel shit over things I 'should' have done, I don't blame others though.

I can justify why those things happened, feel shit about them and own it all at once without lashing out.

calwill · 28/11/2023 17:44

She doesn't sound that bad actually. Annoying, certainly but not evil to the point that you had to cut her off. His anger is probably frustration at HIMSELF for letting you get away with keeping the kids away. I think a lot of this is on him, he could have been proactive with the kids and facilitated a relationship with his mother.

RedToothBrush · 28/11/2023 17:53

soemptyinside · 28/11/2023 16:47

Well, I think you could have done more. If you're honest with yourself, you know you could have done more.

You chose to go out. You chose to take your kids with you because it was easier. You could have hidden in a different room. You could have left your kids at home. There were ways to facilitate his MIL having a relationship with the kids, but you didn't do this because it involved more effort than you were prepared to spend on her because you didn't like her.

Now, your DH could have done more, too. He could have. Your kids being clingy was a problem for both of you to solve. He didn't put the effort in either. This is not a problem entirely of your making.

But it's easier to take out the guilt on you than it is on himself because he already feels awful and has no capacity left for any more negative feelings towards himself. He's at peak misery.

So yeah, you're unreasonable here. But so is he. The difference is he's the one grieving (and yes, grief, before someone is actually dead, is a thing), so I think you're going to have to be the bigger person here and take some of that blame rather than argue with him.

Arguing isn't going to change the past anyway. You should bite your tongue and facilitate DH and the kids spending as much time as possible with her in her final days. Your DH is in a world of pain right now - this is the "for worse" part of your vows.

I've just lost a parent myself, and even though I know that logically, I did the right thing in being away when I was, I am full of guilt and grief for why I didn't spend more time with my parent before it was too late. I wish I had someone to blame. I don't. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm tired, I'm everything. Please don't judge someone grieving the same way you would someone normally. Cut him some slack - he is not a human at his best right now.

I don't know that this is always true.

For some women, their DIL will never be able to get it right because it's all about the MILs relationship with their son. The DIL has 'taken away' the son and the MIL wants to recapture the 'being a mother thing' they had with their son.

So no matter when the DIL does it will never be enough. It will always annoy the MIL and it will always upset the DIL that she's undermined at a time in her life when she needs support and reassurance rather than nitpicking.

I genuinely do think that some DIL could flog themselves to death and the MIL would still say 'well she should have done it like this instead'.

ButterBastardBeans · 28/11/2023 17:55

@billy1966 has a point upthread.

The apple has not fallen far from the tree with him has it?

AnneValentine · 28/11/2023 18:02

alicedbr · 28/11/2023 13:15

But how do I do this? For example, a typical conversation / what happened last night:

I had just made us a lasagne and we're talking about the fact that each country seems to have a similar style dish: lasagne in Italy, moussaka in Greece, shepherds pie in UK and he was saying there's a similar one in Spain, he is Spanish. Suddenly out of nowhere "my mum used to make an amazing one but of course the kids have never tried it because we've barely visited my mum as you were always too precious around her. Could have just realised she never meant any harm and ignored comments you don't like"

Or another trend recently:
Making any parenting decisions, even something minor like what books to buy DC. Naturally DH talks about his childhood, I talk about mine, what books we enjoyed etc. He will bring up what an amazing mum MIL was to him and what a great granny she wanted to be and would have been, if I wasn't so 'closer off' or 'easily offended'.

Show quote history

I’m saying this really cautiously but the examples you’ve given aren’t massive. It’s just a grandma attempting to spoil their kid. It’s what they do. Not a big deal at all. As it sounds like he had a positive relationship with her growing up he is going to be sad that she wasn’t facilitated to have a relationship with her grandchildren. And actually what’s clear is that the decision was about you - honestly I would say suck it up based on examples given. That’s typical grandmother stuff. And I’m saying that as someone who has a really toxic mother in law and I’ve still ensured I’ve facilitated a close relationship with the family.

Wbeezer · 28/11/2023 18:08

I have to say your MIL sounds a bit irritating but not worse than that. I actually have a lot of sympathy with your husband's point of view. I think sometimes you just have to put up with a bit of irritation when you are related to someone for the sake of others.
I'd feel upset in his shoes too.

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 28/11/2023 18:08

AnneValentine · 28/11/2023 18:02

I’m saying this really cautiously but the examples you’ve given aren’t massive. It’s just a grandma attempting to spoil their kid. It’s what they do. Not a big deal at all. As it sounds like he had a positive relationship with her growing up he is going to be sad that she wasn’t facilitated to have a relationship with her grandchildren. And actually what’s clear is that the decision was about you - honestly I would say suck it up based on examples given. That’s typical grandmother stuff. And I’m saying that as someone who has a really toxic mother in law and I’ve still ensured I’ve facilitated a close relationship with the family.

Show quote history

I agree. Everyone’s mother in law is an over involved pain in the arse. Everyone’s daughter in law is a bossy madam who isn’t quite good enough for their precious little prince. It’s a tale as old as time!

If those examples in this post are the worst of what she did then I have to say, get over yourself!

(obvs different in cases of genuine narcissistic behaviour - and I do have examples of that in my own life! Absolutely cut those cunts out of your life. But unless your kid has a severe cake allergy and it was about to kill her; I don’t see the big deal).

AnneValentine · 28/11/2023 18:08

I think you need to step outside yourself. Your husbands mother is dying and even this post is all about you.

BeigeChair · 28/11/2023 18:10

People that focus on one thing that the MIL has said thinking it is nothing and minor haven’t lived through these comments being constant and the only form of communication. I have been through similar with my MIL, it’s all negative about everything. I suspect my DH will react the same.

TheGander · 28/11/2023 18:18

It’s probably been said already but it could at least partly be down to culture. The Spanish tend to be a lot more direct than most British people. Doesn’t necessarily mean that they are being rude. He’s got anticipated grief and guilt, probably over other stuff too, for example not living nearer to her. It’s a delicate time and I’d agree, don’t confront him now it’s not the right time.

Mariposista · 28/11/2023 18:18

While I do think DH has a point, he ought to have been stronger (Spanish men are notoriously weak and bow down to their wives' tantrums though). He should have said actually love, I AM taking OUR kids to be with my mother so she can bond with them, you can come if you like or stay behind. Rather than sulk now it is too late.

welovetv · 28/11/2023 18:20

I wouldn't tolerate it OP.

I'd be saying "relationships are a two way street and your mum had plenty of opportunity to not criticise my parenting and my body, so that she could build a relationship with me and the kids. It is a shame that she missed her chance" and repeat ad nauseum.

"I know you're upset that your mum is dying, but that's no reason to rewrite history. I was never going to spend my life being spoken down to and about because your Mum wanted to be a 'hands on' granny and felt the need to criticise me and my parenting all the time. I wouldn't have put up with it from my own Mum, let alone yours. It's sad that she's terminal, but I did what I had to do to protect myself, and you agreed with me at the time."

stayathomer · 28/11/2023 18:21

I think you need to tell dh to stop taking his grief out on you, and accept that he was responsible for facilitating the relationship between his kids and their grandma. On repeat if he's being nasty - "you're their Dad, she's your Mum, it was your job not mine"

God please don’t do this to someone who’s losing their mum x

IcedCoffeeLoverh3 · 28/11/2023 18:21

Highlyflavouredgravy · 28/11/2023 13:17

It does sound like you have been unpleasant. You say you haven't restricted her access to the children but also say you haven't spent time with her and your children are clingy to you. So you have restricted access.

Instead if just ignoring silliness, you made it an excuse to keep your children away and now your dh is upset which is understandable.

He should have addressed it before now though. Keeping a partner away from their family or making is difficult for them to maintain good relationships is v controlling.

I agree

Mariluisa · 28/11/2023 18:22

I think DH being an only child has a massive bearing on this situation. Lost my DM last year as one of three siblings.

A good friend of mine has dealt with the end of his DM’s life after a four year illness. The experience of her illness and death was definitely different as an only child.

Zanatdy · 28/11/2023 18:24

Well if couldn’t take his kids to see her without you how often did they see her? I can see why he’s hurt

Mariluisa · 28/11/2023 18:24

He’s been married a very long time but his wife still didn’t share it or understand as a sibling would/could

Zanatdy · 28/11/2023 18:29

alicedbr · 28/11/2023 14:25

Yes I would mainly like to know how to respond!
I don't want to lie and say "ah yes all my fault, was so wrong of me to stand up for myself. I should have just listened to the comments, smiled and let the kids hear all the mean things about their mum"
As he's grieving I can't exactly say "listen we both know she's been a btch, I had every right to keep myself away from her for the sake of my mental health"
So what CAN I say?! To de-escalate the argument but also not start saying I'm wrong just for the sake of it (because that also wouldn't de escalate the argument but would just validate him having a go at me when he shouldn't do)

Show quote history

Nothing you can say now. He’s always going to be angry and resentful about it. No she didn’t cover herself in glory but I don’t think you’ve been fair either. Sure your parents see lots of the kids.

Aishah231 · 28/11/2023 18:30

Hi OP. You're husband sounds angry at you which is unfair. I wouldn't accept blame as others are suggesting as it won't be possible to roll back on this later and may make him believe his anger at you is justified - and therefore this may increase it. I would simply say - "I know you're sad your mother is ill but it is unfair to blame me for your lack of contact. Please stop doing this or it will drive a wedge between us. Just try to be there for your mother now and I'll help in any way I can"

Rec0veringAcademic · 28/11/2023 18:31

Renamed · 28/11/2023 14:14

I really suspect she wasn’t a wonderful mother, that’s just the family script. This will be fuelling some of the anger. But your H will never talk to you about it because it feels disloyal. Has he any other friends or family he might talk to about this?

That's exactly what I'm thinking.

FancyFanny · 28/11/2023 18:31

You sound weird! Not allowing a grandma to give their grandchild a little bit of cake is controlling and not letting her see them often because of this is even more ridiculous

thing47 · 28/11/2023 18:33

SwedeCarrotLimes · 28/11/2023 17:11

It IS her responsibility to ensure DC aren’t clinging to her and are encouraged to be social and independent. And most likely the only reason OP enjoys her current relationship with DC is she was the primary carer of DC whilst husband was the breadwinner. So it’s a bit harsh to call husband lazy in developing his relationship with DC.

Show quote history

Utter claptrap. @alicedbr doesn't need to ensure any such thing if she doesn't want to. Her DCs are 4 and 2, how many children of that age do you know who are independent?

I haven't commented on her husband.

Thedm · 28/11/2023 18:34

Highlyflavouredgravy · 28/11/2023 13:17

It does sound like you have been unpleasant. You say you haven't restricted her access to the children but also say you haven't spent time with her and your children are clingy to you. So you have restricted access.

Instead if just ignoring silliness, you made it an excuse to keep your children away and now your dh is upset which is understandable.

He should have addressed it before now though. Keeping a partner away from their family or making is difficult for them to maintain good relationships is v controlling.

I agree with this. I’d also be willing to bet my house that at some point, one of your parents will have made a silly, “that’s what grandparents do” comment whilst giving your kids a treat, and you’d have allowed it because it was your mum or dad but because it was his, you kept your kids away.

CremeEggSupremacy · 28/11/2023 18:36

Some of you either can’t read or are scarily oblivious. The cake thing is the most minor of all the examples OP gave (and it is still shitty to give kids sugar when they’re going to bed!) if you’d really maintain contain with someone who shouts at you because you don’t want a c section and gives your kids formula when you’re BFing then more fool you

35965a · 28/11/2023 18:40

He’s angry with himself and blaming you. He had time to make sure his dc and mother had more of a relationship independently of you. Grieving or not I would not accept his behaviour. It’s easy and convenient to blame you, he needs to face it that his regrets are his own doing.