MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

To give my two cents, my sister died when I was 26 and she was 21. She had a long term illness but the end was sudden- as in, at home in bed

My DH didn't have the best relationship with her and they didn't always see eye to eye. She had many issues and she could be a challenging person. Had he restricted me seeing her, or refused to visit in what turned out to be the last month's of her life, or went on about how they didn't get on very well, I would have left him. When she was dying and when she passed, his job was to be my loving and supporting husband and allow me my grief, and he did, and he did it very well.
Bringing up the past isn't helping right now. Your priority is supporting your DH in a difficult time. Trust me i know I wasn't easy to be around when she died and the stages of grief were not easy to navigate.

This sounds very hard. When my lovely dad died at 60 I became angry with my FIL for…being alive. 12 years on I still mentally bemoan my selfish and picky FIL and wonder why he’s here and my dad’s not.
completely irrational and I’ve never told my dh much less take it out on him. Grief can make you very angry.

i think the only thing you could do would be to respond minimally to your dh comments as the usual de-escalation tactics as you’ve already tried and as suggested by pp just aren’t working. So just don’t engage. Walk away to another room if you have to…

Sounds like he just feels guilty that he didn't make more of an effort with his mum, didn't take the kids to see her more and it was easier for him to leave the 'clingy' kids with you rather than deal with them whinging.

I'd empathise with him but also not take responsibility 'I understand you feel angry and wish you'd taken the kids to visit more, that must feel really awful'.

With the DC being so young still, I wonder if DH had a vague idea he might make more effort to take them to his DM himself once they got a bit older and were less hard work. He thought he'd have time. Now he's found out he doesn't, and he's facing the consequences of having delayed.

He's grieving in advance, sad about his failures, contemplating his own mortality, etc etc. which is totally understandable.

And instead of acting like an adult and managing his feelings he's piling it on your head, which is not acceptable.

Tell him you understand he's grieving and you'll support him with that; it's what we do. And that he will stop attempting to guilt trip you for the consequences of her choices.

Op maybe could have done more.

Her husband certainly could have.

Sorry you're going through this Op. Sounds like you had a very challenging mother in law relationship there. I feel you made the right choices, to protect your mental health and the harmony of your family.
I can't offer advice as haven't had this experience. Just hope you can keep your head held high and focus on your own happiness and know that this will pass.

She may have been a great mum to your husband and a nice granny but the truth is she was not a good MIL to you. You had a different relationship with her and she wasn't a saint to you. She sounds like a normal flawed human being and seeing as she is dying i think diplomacy is in order but the fact remains that she wasn't a great MIL. You need to support your DH in his grief but he has no right to berate you for not getting on with her.

This is a good lesson to those of us with sons, that if we want to have access to our young grandchildren we can't be horrible to their mother.

And if we have raised lazy sons, they won't put the effort in to the relationship they have with us.

It IS her responsibility to ensure DC aren’t clinging to her and are encouraged to be social and independent. And most likely the only reason OP enjoys her current relationship with DC is she was the primary carer of DC whilst husband was the breadwinner. So it’s a bit harsh to call husband lazy in developing his relationship with DC.

I think I'd go down the route others have suggested of either saying nothing, or saying 'I love you and I'm so sorry that you have regrets about how things have gone with your mum and our family. We still have time to make memories so let's do that. What would you like to do?' Then make every effort you can to see her with the kids and make memories, rolling your eyes at any negative comments in the knowledge that she's not well and won't be around much longer.

If your children didn't want to be left with you, wouldn't you feel some responsibility for working on your relationship?
Yeah, it's harder work to put the effort in rather than just send them out with the other parent, but surely you'd persist with it.

To be honest from reading your posts it sounds like both of you don’t like each other at all.

I'd also give him some time to deal with his emotions around this and accept the verbal pummelling, albeit not agreeing with it ir apologising. Then in time you can have a proper conversation about it. He's grieving the relationship he wanted with his mum and the person he wanted her to be as he knows now that will never be possible.

Never mind the dying mother-in-law's erstwhile behaviour. OP is basically being abused by her husband right now and (some) people seem to think she should lap it up.

Here, here! Honest to god, yes, she’s dying (everyone does eventually!) but I don’t see why the OP should therefore change her mind about what a bitch her mil has been to her over the years. Her Dh has not stood up over the years and I bet he’s got very mixed up feelings of guilt and knowing he didn’t defend his wife over the years from the frankly obnoxious comments from his mum.

It’s obviously a difficult time for him, but taking out his anger/mixed feelings is no good for his relationship with his wife. I doubt very much she is telling him how horrible his mum has been at this moment in time. If I were her, I’d keep my counsel, head down and tackle the issues (if she wants) after the fact. Now is hardly the time to speak to him about the comments over the years, but he can’t just take out his feelings on her, so maybe a very measured discussion would be in order.

I disagree. You can't change your children's personalities or make them more confident. And you don't increase their confidence by pushing them away from you.

The way you raise socially confident kids is to provide a secure base for your DC, to be a "safe adult" who does not act unpredictably or push them away.

Children know who their "safe adults" are. And it doesn't necessarily correlate with how often they see them either. We live 3-5 hours away from all four of my DC's grandparents and they are all "safe adults" in my DC's eyes because they are very child-centric. Even though we only see them every few months.

The onus is/was on the DH and MIL to put the work in to develop that relationship with the children. Being at work is no excuse.

Absolutely. That’s why I said earlier it’s a joint effort and both parent’s responsibilities. Husband should be taking ownership but needs OP to help and encouragement

Maybe being accused of having an affair is nothing to you, for some of us it is a terrible thing to be accused of. Asking why she's breast feeding compared to smashing dishes and screaming because you have a new GC on the way? Your judgement seems way off.

Of course I didn't have to go away and think up "extra" thing to make it look worse.

I think this is a good approach.

Everyone has regrets. Sometimes it is easier to lash out at others and pin the blame on them rather than to acknowledge that we would have made different choices in hindsight.

Especially when there is no "start again" or "redo" button. It's tough when there are no second chances.

Or maybe he's a man who thinks his wife is a grown adult who has a mouth and could address her issues with his mother all by herself. Or do all women now need a man to sort things out for them?

I agree, controlling as fuck.

I have very strong boundaries (and I have definitely cut out my own family members for being unreasonable cunts) but that isn’t what is happening here from what you have written. If my MIL makes an annoying comment I don’t like, i internally roll my eyes and force a smile and move the conversation on. I don’t try and make it difficult for her to have a relationship with my husband.

I think the thing about always going out when she comes round, knowing the kids will have to come because they’re clingy is really shocking tbh. THAT is controlling and awful, and if your husband posted here that his partner was doing that I would 100% tell him to leave. He sounds a bit of a wet wipe though, so I don’t think he will. I think you have HUGELY fucked up though here OP, and he will probably resent you for a long time. Ever heard the saying ‘life’s too short?’. Yeah, that.

It's hard to know what's been going on. It does sound as though your husband felt shut out of your family unit and because of that his mother was shut out, too. Now that might be because he was a useless father who paid them no attention at all, but if he wasn't, then you might need to think about how he feels when the children cling to you.

Some people actively encourage it. I think it is a need in them.

Exactly! If DH had set appropriate boundaries with his mother he would have likely been able to salvage the relationship between OP and her MIL. Most of these situations balloon because of inaction from the husbands. Also the facilitation of the relationship between OP’s MIL was on her husband not her. Women don’t have to be social secretaries and no one is going to make an extra effort with people who go out of their way to be nasty and cruel. As a child who had a Grandfather who behaved this way to my mother it sounds awful but as soon as I was old enough to understand any love I had evaporated and I only felt relief when he died. It’s not beneficial for children to be around people who are nasty to their parents and I know that from experience. Grandparents are important but just like sometimes parents are unhealthy and need to be taken a step back from, so are toxic grandparents. The situation is a result of OP’s husband and MIL’s behaviour and whilst it’s sad she’s dying she got the relationship she earnt.