MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

That's genuinely great for you, my mental health was in tatters after I had 2/3 of my babies. Derogatory comments about mode of delivery and feeding or mum's appearance are dangerous and completely unacceptable.

It's not just the comments though, MIL bought formula along knowing OP is breastfeeding, she fed her daughter something she was told not to give her. Would you be happy to leave your babies with someone like that? Fucking about with a baby's milk gives them a belly ache for a start and if her baby was really young topping up with formula can affect supply and cause nipple confusion. OP simply may not want her child to be fed formula and that is fine. I would have been fucking livid if my MIL bought my FF baby pumped breastmilk, even if it was screened etc etc.

This. But l am guessing he doesn’t want to accept any responsibility, blaming you if a lot easier

Yes, she is dying but it doesn’t make her less of a rude, interfering and condescending woman. I wouldn’t be allowing him to take everything out on you.

Absolutely all of this 🙌. It’s quite eye opening to see so many apologists for abuse (and to be clear, undermining, belittling and criticising the OP, her parenting, her choice to breastfeed, & her medical decisions is absolutely abusive. There is a reason abuse starts during pregnancy and immediately after because the woman is very vulnerable. It’s not just partner abuse that this applies to )on here. What a message to send to OP’s children (especially any girls) that their grandmother is free to abuse their mother without any intervention or rebuke from their father and that this is what a “loving” family relationship looks like!

It is not just “a bit of crap” or “silliness”. It is abuse! You wouldn’t tolerate it from a friend or a stranger, but apparently have to from someone your husband is related to?! Nope. Not buying that bullshit.

I had the abusive grandmother who was verbally cruel and spiteful to me and to my dad. I learned that love meant tolerating abuse from those closest to me. As a result I ended up in a series of abusive relationships, including one where my partner tried to throw me down the stairs. Really brilliant fucking message there.

Well done OP for protecting yourself and your children from that.

I don't think it's acceptable to use your spouse as an emotional punchbag, no matter how hard you are grieving. A bit distracted or snappy, fine, totally understandable. But it's not okay to be abusive and horrible, and there's no life event that excuses it.
I've seen the same thing time and again on here, grieving men being foul to their wives, and people fall over themselves to excuse them because of the circumstances. The whole "it's not about you" line. It's okay for someone to safeguard their own feelings as well.

OP has been bullied for years by her MIL, now that her MIL is dying her husband is turning on her too. So erm, yeah no shit it IS about OP, in part. Her being upset about the way this whole family has and is treating her doesn't take away from her husband's anticipatory grief about the loss of his Mum, just nor does it make him also starting to bully her acceptable.

People lash out through guilt. That's what he's doing.

We reap what we sow. His mother was a cow. He knows it. He did nothing about it. She's dying and you don't care and the kids aren't going to remember her and that's the way it is and it's not nice he's stuck with it.

He knows he could have done more (something? I don't actually get he impression he did anything!) to improve the dynamic between you three and the kids. And now it's too late.

He'll know you're not sorry she's dying and that will hurt and ping the guilt button even more.

What to do/say?
I would tell him straight you're not going to be a punch bag to him any more than you were to his mother.

Leaving the room calmly until he calms down is the kindest thing to do.

His shite attitude and mental mess is a result of her parenting. He's damaged by it but you don't have to allow him to speak to you this way. I would try not to let it damage your marriage though. Don't let her poison spread further.

Not EBF until 2, breastfed until 2, which means alongside solids. She never said EBF until 2.

Cut him some slack, his mother is dying.

I wouldn’t do anything other than try and support him. He’s going through a whole load of different emotions and given your difficult relationship with her, he’s bound to have conflicting feelings.

Have some empathy, your husbands mother is dying. He's grieving and saying (presumably) all the things that have built up over the years where he's just bitten his tongue

He's bitten his tongue alright. Allowed his mother to disrespect his wife and said and done fuck all about it. Now he's angry at himself and his mother and feels guilty about the whole thing and ... guess what ... the wife gets more shite thrown at her.

I would say it’s a joint responsibility and since it’s OP they’re clinging to it requires her support in helping to break that clinginess.

I'm getting angry on your behalf. Please don't let anyone make you think you've done anything wrong.

but yes, i agree that if she loves him and wants the relationship to survive she'll need to support him through this somehow.

Oh, do engage your brain, @Baffledandalarmed . It's hardly likely that they were exclusively breastfed until 2 yrs old, is it?

He’s angry because he knows he’s fucked this up and he’s taking it out on you. He could have spoken to his mother and told her to tone down the attitude. He didn’t. If he wasn’t prepared to do that, he could have made the effort to ensure that he could take his own kids to his mother’s without you. He didn’t do that either and now, as he says himself, it’s too late.

Yep, exactly.

I agree with every word. DH couldn't be bothered to parent his children enough to stop them being clingy. DH couldn't be bothered to be a supportive husband and stop his mother doing/saying these things to you. DH couldn't be bothered to be a son to his mother. Now he can't be bothered to accept he caused it all.

All you can do is tell him to stop guilt tripping you, the past cannot be changed. Tell him to take the children to visit. And breathe. This is not your fault.

I've been thinking about this and when my mum was dying in hospital I was horrible to my brother's girlfriend. I didn't mean it, I was just in pain and lashing out and all she was doing was trying to lighten the mood because she wasn't so emotionally involved. I'm not proud of it, and we talked about it and I apologised. I guess what I am trying to say is don't underestimate the imminent loss of a parent. It's not only an emotional time, it can also be terrifying and destabilising. Your mum has been with you since the day you were born.

My ex mil's behaviour was worse than this but I still do everything to ensure that a relationship was maintained with the children as the kids love her. I didn't react well when I called her out on her behaviour and basically blew up after years of her and my ex eating away at me. What I said wasn't pretty and it's a deep regret of mine. She is more wary of me now though.

If she had died and I'd taken the grandchildren away from her (you say you didn't but you did really) I know that I'd be sad.

What concerns me for you is, that if you don't make an effort now that she is dying and speak with your husband in a "it's a deep shame that we didn't get on" type of way, instead of placing blame at her door for everything, then it could really eat away at him and eventually spell the end for you both. One of my deepest regrets is that my dad didn't get to see me leave my abusive ex and be happy alone.

but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.
Appalling, presumably the 4 year old does many things with his DFather, even if you keep the 2 year old close to feed.
Obviously your updates are designed to make us feel negatively towards your MIL, mine was similarly anti bf, but it didn't stop her seeing lots of the GC with my DH.
As previous posters comment, sad we can't go back in time sometimes.

I agree. There are a lot of threads on here about how you don't have to be around people who make you feel crap, that it's good to have boundaries etc.. That if you don't get on with your ILs you should leave your DH to sort out the relationship with them. Whilst this thread generally (not wholly) is going the other way, saying that people should put up with it because it's family.

I must admit I often think I should try to make an effort with my ILs for the sake of my DH but it seems pointless when neither he nor they initiate contact. We are closer to my family but that's because they also make an effort (and aren't weird and critical).

Well, I think you could have done more. If you're honest with yourself, you know you could have done more.

You chose to go out. You chose to take your kids with you because it was easier. You could have hidden in a different room. You could have left your kids at home. There were ways to facilitate his MIL having a relationship with the kids, but you didn't do this because it involved more effort than you were prepared to spend on her because you didn't like her.

Now, your DH could have done more, too. He could have. Your kids being clingy was a problem for both of you to solve. He didn't put the effort in either. This is not a problem entirely of your making.

But it's easier to take out the guilt on you than it is on himself because he already feels awful and has no capacity left for any more negative feelings towards himself. He's at peak misery.

So yeah, you're unreasonable here. But so is he. The difference is he's the one grieving (and yes, grief, before someone is actually dead, is a thing), so I think you're going to have to be the bigger person here and take some of that blame rather than argue with him.

Arguing isn't going to change the past anyway. You should bite your tongue and facilitate DH and the kids spending as much time as possible with her in her final days. Your DH is in a world of pain right now - this is the "for worse" part of your vows.

I've just lost a parent myself, and even though I know that logically, I did the right thing in being away when I was, I am full of guilt and grief for why I didn't spend more time with my parent before it was too late. I wish I had someone to blame. I don't. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm tired, I'm everything. Please don't judge someone grieving the same way you would someone normally. Cut him some slack - he is not a human at his best right now.

Agree with this. Nothing you’ve quoted her as saying sounds that horrific to me, and easy to respond to in a good-humoured way while standing up for yourself. Or you and your husband could have worked on it between you. But to get up and leave, while taking the children with you, really does sound downright rude. Not sure what you can do about it now though.

Well the moral of that story is that if you are persistently rude to and about your DIL, don't be surprised when you find she is less than enthusiastic about facilitating your relationship with her DCs.

And no, it most definitely is not @alicedbr's responsibility to encourage her very young DCs to have a relationship with somebody who is horrible to her. What a bizarre idea.

Oh, I see both sides here. I also had an absolutely infuriating MIL who would say things just like you've described. My husband also would have no clue why it was so maddening and why I couldn't just ignore it. I don't think that men understand at all why the interference from another woman in the way you want to raise your kids is so annoying. I don't even really understand it myself. It's just so undermining, somehow. Maybe it's a primal thing? As in, the subconscious, reptilian brain sees a MIL as a possible threat to your relationship with your child? In primitive times she could have taken the child away, especially as she has a blood claim, being the grandmother. There's just something unnatural (to the mother) about a MIL having opinions on how to raise YOUR OWN child. Believe me, I get it. It's one of the most rage-inducing things I've ever experienced.

However, it's also irrational. He's right that those things weren't really a big deal, even though it didn't feel that way to you. And tbh, it does sound as if you didn't make any effort to continue the kids' relationship with her, even if you wanted to limit your own time with her. But....he didn't fix things either. He could have intervened with the DCs clinginess to you and made them visit her. He could have had a quiet word with her about following your instructions as parents (i.e. no cake) and about the C-section thing, which is totally personal! I think both of you are equally at fault in the way you dealt with the situation. Both of you needed to communicate more, you with him about how maddening the interference is, and him to her about dialling back the comments and advice.

So, what to do now? If I were you, in a calm voice I would say that I know he's hurting and you're really sorry. Communicate with him that women do not take it well when other women interfere with their child-rearing, and that it feels like dominance and is utterly maddening. Own your part in not dealing well with the situation and say you wish you had done things differently. Gently point out that he could have taken the steps I mentioned above, and that neither of you dealt with her interference that well. He is really hurting, so maybe ask for his forgiveness in your part? Say that you wish you had done things differently. I really think it will go a long way towards making him feel seen and acknowledging his feelings.

I guess the only thing you can do now is visit her and take the DCs. Try to make your peace with her and your DH.

MILs are FAMOUS for their interference and unwelcome comments. Why, oh why, do they do this? It causes so much upset and they wouldn't have liked it. And men overwhelmingly will not stand up to their mothers. The whole thing is infuriating. I do feel for you!

I suspect that this is your DH's guilt talking, because obviously if he wanted the children to see his mother more often he should have taken them or facilitated it.

When he says things like "my mum used to make an amazing one but of course the kids have never tried it because we've barely visited my mum as you were always too precious around her. Could have just realised she never meant any harm and ignored comments you don't like" can you just say something like "Look, I know this is grief and stress talking, but when you think about it you will acknowledge that she did mean harm and you knew it, which is why you didn't insist. Also that you could have taken them yourself if you really wanted to"?

OP, you haven't done anything wrong.

Your husband failed you by failing to shut his mother's constant comments down and instead defended her, and as a result, chose to limit his OWN time with his mother because he couldn't be arsed to visit without you and manage the DCs on his own.

You had every right to go limited contact with her yourself.

Your husband should have sorted visiting time with the children if he was concerned about it. He wasn't. Until it was too late. That's on him. Not you.

No where else in MN land would people be telling young mothers with little ones to suck it up and put up with such comments from a MIL ... only here in retrospect because MIl is now sadly dying.

I would make sympathetic noises, but I wouldn't entertain being blamed for your husband's failures.