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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Booked a surprise holiday

118 replies

reamha · 28/11/2023 11:14

Me and DP have been together for about 3 years. In that time we have been on lots of holidays and trips, but only ever UK. I've always enjoyed travelling to new places and exploring but whenever we talk about a trip DP always cuts down suggestions of city breaks in favour of places where she can bring her dog.

I have continued to go abroad both for work and with friends but DP will never take up the invitation and I really miss exploring new cities and cultures with my partner. I love the shared experience and think it brings couples closer. Anyway for DPs birthday I have bought her a surprise trip to Venice. I knew it isn't somewhere she would immediately choose herself, but I thought as a nice surprise, with all the admin done she would at least give it a go. But she is flat out refusing to go and suggesting I take a friend instead.

I am really upset, I love her a lot but never thought when we got together I would be giving up foreign holidays totally. She has always said she prefers the UK and would rather holiday here, so I am not surprised. But I do think she should compromise and do the trips I want occassionally?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 28/11/2023 11:16

So you know city breaks aren’t her thing but you decided to book one anyway? Good on her for saying “thanks but no thanks”

Autieangel · 28/11/2023 11:18

So you picked something you would want.? For her birthday?

Haydenn · 28/11/2023 11:18

Happy Birthday, have a present you don’t want

DumboHimalayan · 28/11/2023 11:18

Sounds familiar

Booked a surprise holiday
PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 28/11/2023 11:19

So your partner has made it abundantly clear that she dislikes both city breaks and travel abroad and you got her a trip to Venice for her birthday?!

It was never going to end well.

MadameCamembert · 28/11/2023 11:19

I get why she might be put out that you’ve arrange a trip to somewhere she doesn’t want to go.

However, could I be in a relationship with somebody who won’t leave the U.K to enjoy seeing the world with? Nope.

Maddy70 · 28/11/2023 11:20

You booked a present for you for her birthday, no wonder she won't go

I do agree though that it's a big deal of a partner won't travel actually it has been a deal breaker for me in the past

KimberleyClark · 28/11/2023 11:21

Doesn’t sound like you are really compatible I’m afraid. OTOH could she have a fear of flying that she hasn’t told you about?

cheddercherry · 28/11/2023 11:21

I agree that from her side she’s been given a thoughtless gift of something you know she wouldn’t want. I also do admire that she’s said no right away rather than go and be miserable.

BUT I am with you in that I couldn’t date someone who didn’t share my desire to travel. So I’d not be prepared to miss out on those opportunities and it would be a dealbreaker for me personally.

Autieangel · 28/11/2023 11:21

Get her something she would actually enjoy for her birthday and at a later date sit down and discuss abroad and find out what the reluctance is and if she is willing to compromise or if this is a deal breaker

Original poster
reamha · 28/11/2023 11:21

It's not quite like that. I do think she would genuinely enjoy it if she gave it a chance. She loves history and architecture and places that are a bit unique which is why I picked it. I didn't pick it for me- I honestly think she would enjoy it

OP posts:
Sarvanga38 · 28/11/2023 11:22

Another here who wouldn't be in a relationship long with someone who wasn't interested in getting out and seeing the world ...

But clearly this is a present for you, not for her, and she is perfectly within her rights to not go.

Autieangel · 28/11/2023 11:22

reamha · 28/11/2023 11:21

It's not quite like that. I do think she would genuinely enjoy it if she gave it a chance. She loves history and architecture and places that are a bit unique which is why I picked it. I didn't pick it for me- I honestly think she would enjoy it

You don't get to decide what she likes or doesn't like

Sugarcube84 · 28/11/2023 11:25

This happened to me. My husband booked a holiday for me for my birthday to somewhere I’d hate and never want to go. It was however somewhere he wanted to go.

We went, I hated it 6 months later we were divorced.

I get that you are upset about missing out on foreign travel but this was a terrible idea. I think you need to make a decision regarding your relationship either find a way to carry on enjoying foreign travel without your dp or split up and find someone new to enjoy it with

cheddercherry · 28/11/2023 11:25

It seems like she’s really set in telling you firmly that she WONT enjoy it though? So it’s exactly like that? She is dead set it’s not her thing, you are sure you know what’s best for her?

So you need a make a decision on whether you trying to force her to enjoy things you THINK she should enjoy, is long term going to work for either of you. She could refuse forever, and you’ll miss those changes to go places all the while she is happily in the UK, refusing you. It’s you that loses out whilst you waste time failing to convince her.

Createausername1970 · 28/11/2023 11:29

Have you made arrangements for the dog as well, or are you leaving her to sort this out? And are you going to cover the cost?

I do get where you are coming from, it was meant well, but if it's not her thing and you knew this, then it was a bit thoughtless. Especially if she then incurs additional cost to get her dog looked after.

SapphireOpal · 28/11/2023 11:30

reamha · 28/11/2023 11:21

It's not quite like that. I do think she would genuinely enjoy it if she gave it a chance. She loves history and architecture and places that are a bit unique which is why I picked it. I didn't pick it for me- I honestly think she would enjoy it

She doesn't want to give it a chance. She's allowed. If that's a deal-breaker for you then fine, break up with her.

Why on earth you'd buy her something you knew would be controversial for her birthday I can't fathom. Birthdays are supposed to be about what she wants not a chance for you to make a point. That really wasn't the mature way to approach this.

SapphireOpal · 28/11/2023 11:31

Sarvanga38 · 28/11/2023 11:22

Another here who wouldn't be in a relationship long with someone who wasn't interested in getting out and seeing the world ...

But clearly this is a present for you, not for her, and she is perfectly within her rights to not go.

I also wouldn't be in a relationship long with someone who bought me an expensive present that I'd repeatedly said I didn't like and wasn't interested in trying.

SallyWD · 28/11/2023 11:32

Haydenn · 28/11/2023 11:18

Happy Birthday, have a present you don’t want

Exactly.
You said you never thought you'd have to give up foreign holidays but it seems she's more than happy for you to go without her so I don't see this as a huge problem.
Have lovely UK holidays with her and go abroad with others or on your own.

Fionaville · 28/11/2023 11:32

I understand your perspective because I enjoy travelling too. However your DP has never hidden the fact that she doesn't like travelling abroad, so YABU. It's a shame because it would be lovely for you to travel together and it would be nice for your DP to accept the trip. But she doesn't want to, so it's not right to guilt her into it. Has she said why she won't travel abroad?

Original poster
reamha · 28/11/2023 11:33

cheddercherry · 28/11/2023 11:25

It seems like she’s really set in telling you firmly that she WONT enjoy it though? So it’s exactly like that? She is dead set it’s not her thing, you are sure you know what’s best for her?

So you need a make a decision on whether you trying to force her to enjoy things you THINK she should enjoy, is long term going to work for either of you. She could refuse forever, and you’ll miss those changes to go places all the while she is happily in the UK, refusing you. It’s you that loses out whilst you waste time failing to convince her.

She used to travel a lot before we met. Then since covid she has only been in the UK and says that she prefers hill-walking and exploring the countryside with her dog and these are the holidays she most enjoys.

I think it stems from the fact she wont leave the dog to go on holiday. So it does frustrate me that she has done the travel, I know she isn't frightened of planes or crowds and she has enjoyed those trips in the past with other partners. So I am missing out on travel with her. I do still get to travel quite a bit with friends etc but it isn't quite the same exploring Paris with a mate!!!

We always do the holiday -she most enjoys, rather than I most enjoy. There is no compromise!!

OP posts:
EdgarsTale · 28/11/2023 11:34

I could never be in a relationship with someone who’d never travel abroad, so I get that. What’s their reasoning? I couldn't imagine being stuck in the UK for the rest of my life!

AmazingSnakeHead · 28/11/2023 11:34

Are you a man OP? I ask because trying to force someone to do something that they don't want to, under the guise of a nice present for them, is peak male entitlement.

KimberleyClark · 28/11/2023 11:35

We always do the holiday -she most enjoys, rather than I most enjoy. There is no compromise!!

And I understand why you are aggrieved about that. Does she not have a friend who would look after the dog?

Cheeseywheel · 28/11/2023 11:35

What’s her reason? Not wanting to leave the dog? Fear of flying? Maybe get to the bottom of that because there might be ways you could go via boat etc or have someone she trusts take the dog.

If it’s genuinely that she doesn’t like foreign countries and is too much of a homebody then I do feel for you. I don’t think I could be with somebody with no sense of adventure or desire to see the world.

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