Booked a surprise holiday

[reamha]

Me and DP have been together for about 3 years. In that time we have been on lots of holidays and trips, but only ever UK. I've always enjoyed travelling to new places and exploring but whenever we talk about a trip DP always cuts down suggestions of city breaks in favour of places where she can bring her dog.

I have continued to go abroad both for work and with friends but DP will never take up the invitation and I really miss exploring new cities and cultures with my partner. I love the shared experience and think it brings couples closer. Anyway for DPs birthday I have bought her a surprise trip to Venice. I knew it isn't somewhere she would immediately choose herself, but I thought as a nice surprise, with all the admin done she would at least give it a go. But she is flat out refusing to go and suggesting I take a friend instead.

I am really upset, I love her a lot but never thought when we got together I would be giving up foreign holidays totally. She has always said she prefers the UK and would rather holiday here, so I am not surprised. But I do think she should compromise and do the trips I want occassionally?

No I sorted that too, I booked it into a local kennels that a few of our friends use and recommend, so when I say there's no admin- I really do mean everything was sorted. I even checked the date on her passport as I was't sure if she still had one.

If a man posted that his wife was always trying to get him to go abroad on holiday and he didn’t want to he would get his arse handed to him and told to grow up.

You're wrong for giving her something she doesn't want, and has said that she doesn't want, for her birthday. You're also wrong for assuming that she would enjoy it if she went. That's patronising.

However, you wouldn't be wrong to call time on the relationship because you're not interested in never going abroad for holidays again.

Loads of people don't want to leave their dogs to go on holiday. It's okay to feel differently but it's not okay to try and force her hand by booking something that she's said she doesn't want to do.

If travelling is a dealbreaker then you're free to end the relationship instead.

Those saying they can’t imagine never leaving the U.K., or never going on holiday with their partners- you know dogs don’t live forever right?

Exactly? You’re the one missing out in this. It doesn’t really matter what her reason is, she’s not going to go abroad so you’re stuck here on holidays geared entirely towards what she wants.

She might have had holidays abroad before but it doesn’t change the fact she now won’t have them? She might never change her mind and decide to go away with you. It’s up to you if you can live with that.

That was good.

I still think you shouldn't have done it though. She might come round to the idea of going abroad again, but trying to force her isn't the way forward.

She is happy for you to holiday abroad without her, so I guess you need to decide if this is a compromise that works for you, taking all other aspects of the relationship into account.

Has the dog been to those kennels before? Has your DP even seen the kennels? If they haven’t I’d hit the roof if my partner just booked a random place to leave my dogs. You’re unreasonable just for thinking that is ok

Ooh I would be really annoyed if someone took it upon themselves to book my dog into kennels without speaking to me first 🫣

Perhaps OP knows what her partner likes?

Every year I do a hundred things that I don’t really want to do, but my partner does. I bet you all do the same. From playing with their grandkids, to eating their taste in meals, to turning the heating down because that’s what they prefer. That’s what a relationship is all about, a bit of give and take, exploring new places, trying new experiences. FFS, it’s what life is all about.

I would be reasonably put out if someone bought me a present of somewhere they wanted to go rather than somewhere I really wanted to go BUT I think she's being unreasonable in refusing to compromise more generally. You've been putting up with walking in the hills with the dog for three years, I think it's time she agreed to a holiday you would enjoy for a change.

You do not have the right to decide that. It’s an incredibly condescending attitude - I know better than you what you would like. You’re not respecting her at all by doing this.

Exactly. Insisting that your partner fit in with your likes every time you go on holiday together really is quite selfish. I also think it's pretty bonkers to allow your life to be ruled by a pet.

A good relationship doesn’t involve going behind your partners back and booking something they’ve already said they don’t want to do. That’s just controlling.

if travel abroad is a dealbreaker then you can always end the relationship or travel with friends instead.

But I do think she should compromise and do the trips I want occassionally?

What, for HER birthday? Sorry, but fuck off. You know she doesn't like city breaks and that she prefers to travel with her dog, but you still bought her a city break for her birthday and now you're expecting her to be pleased to be gifted a city break that YOU wanted?

You sound fundamentally incompatible to be honest.

But that won’t be how the partner feels - she probably enjoys her UK holidays more because she can bring her pet and doesn’t have to leave it in kennels.

Well, clearly not, or they wouldn't be in this mess

But we don’t know if her life is “ruled by a pet”. It might be the dog can’t be left- or it might just be that she prefers walking in the countryside to visiting a city and museums and things.
The OP states that her partner has previously travelled, but prefers hill walking. I think OP would do better to talk about them booking a holiday walking in the alps or similar which sound like it might be a better way to convince her partner….if they drive they could even take the dog 😉

I am like you and love to travel and am very glad that my husband is the same.

But I find what you did really quite disturbing. It was like you were bullying her into doing something she doesn’t want to do by wrapping it up and pretending it is a present. It was only a present for you.

Good on her for refusing. And the only compromise she needs to make is to not be difficult when you say you are going on holiday abroad alone or with a friend.

She probably doesnt like flying

OP says the partners loves history, architecture, and places that are a bit unique, and it's a fair bet she knows her partner a hell of a lot better than we do.

No I sorted that too, I booked it into a local kennels that a few of our friends use and recommend, so when I say there's no admin- I really do mean everything was sorted.

Unless it's a kennel she has used before and is 100% happy with, this was very unlikely to sit well. I love to travel, but I've owned dogs for 40 odd years and they've never been in kennels yet, nor are they ever likely to be.

She has a dog which she doesn't like leaving in kennels and she likes uk holidays with the dog.

She has a partner who feels very differently so has to do any abroad travel with friends.

Neither is in the wrong, and it needn't mean the relationship is doomed.

Unless OP can't bare only going abroad with friends from now on. If that's a deal breaker it's up to her ....

I would be fucking livid if somebody thought they could make this decision on my behalf. Over your dead body would I leave my dog in kennels.

I’m surprised she hasn’t given you the heave-ho to be honest, OP. What a twatty birthday present. Do you not care about her feelings at all?