sister copies everything i do

[cherrylemonapple]

got engaged, she got engaged a week later
booked my wedding, she booked hers for the month after and bullied me into changing mine because it was too close to hers despite me having booked first
i got a tattoo sleeve, she’s started a sleeve despite showing zero interest in tattoos beforehand
i got a specific piercing that is not ‘common’, she now wants it
i liked 2 particular music artists that she actually took the piss out of me for liking when we were younger, she’s now obsessed with them and buys all their merch and goes to their concerts then dangles the tickets over my head like she’s won some prize because she knows i can’t afford them
finally - i have a degree, graduated last year but waiting until baby is old enough to be in nursery full time to start my next qualification. she has now applied for an entry level of that field

i know im being petty but im fucked off. i actually feel like cutting her off at this point, everything i do she seems to feel a need to find a way to do/like the same thing

Sounds vvv annoying. Have a friend like this. For her it's FOMO and insecurity.

Honestly? I was going to give you a bit of a hard time but then you said that your sister has a serious mental illness and threatens to kill herself if she doesn’t get her own way. Is this illness diagnosed or is she such hard work that the family have decided that she must have it? What does her husband think?

We tend to think we are individuals but really, we are far more homogeneous than we realise. Stuff like bands, tattoos, piercings - really quite mainstream.

However, I don’t think that this is actually about the copying. I think you’ve been expected to support your sister in so many ways (changing your wedding, her career) that you’ve now run out of juice. If you say that you need some space from her, what happens? Do your family kick off?

Looking at your follow-up posts, it does sound to me as if she's a very difficult person. The wedding thing is RIDICULOUS. She's definitely got some issues and it sounds like the rest of the family is pandering to her.

I don't think it would be unreasonable to cut contact with her. She's making you unhappy.

See the bands and stuff are fairly mainstream, it’s not that I think i’m particularly individual BUT she was completely different to me before and i just feel like she’s slowly morphing into me.

ive commented to parents multiple times that i dont feel like i want to have a relationship with her because of things like the wedding etc and everytime i bring it up they just have a go at me and refuse to speak to me until i give in and change my mind

It sounds as though you have a problem with your parents and your sister (upsetting though that is). You cannot be forced to have a close relationship with your sister. It’s probably time to step back from all of them.

If your parents refuse to speak to you, how much of a problem is that? Do they think that sisters = automatically close.

What do you get out of your relationship with your family? You clearly aren’t close with your sister and she sounds hard work (putting it mildly) and your parents will refuse to talk to you if you say anything about her?

Doesn’t sound fair to me. I’d be banging my head against a wall in the middle of them!

yeah, basically. they can’t fathom that i might not get on with her.

because my kids love my parents basically and i don’t think it’s fair to take that away from them

Then I’d be setting some boundaries with my sister and my parents and also making sure the kids weren’t caught up in this nonsense. It’s not healthy surely for them to see grandma and grandad suddenly ignoring and badmouthing their mum because Aunty has thrown a tantrum?

Step away from your sister, don’t tell her the ins and outs of your life and ask your parents to not pass on details to her and wind her up. Keep your relationship with your parents separate to that of your sister.

She threatens to kill herself, yes that's extremely low self esteem! She's seeing you succeeding at life and coping and I guess she doesn't recognise that's because of your health and attitude and not your milestones. But that's all a guess, you could ask her about her choices if you wanted to know. On the Internet strangers can only join in with your crowing over her behaviour.

It sounds like your parents are like children. If you go against what they want, they will sulk and not talk to you until you give in. Which it sounds like you always do.

Call their bluff.

You can see where your sister gets her childish behaviour from with how your parents are acting.

Threatening to top yourself if you don't get your own way is an abusive and narcissistic tactic, to control those around you.
Yes narcissists can be "vulnerable" themselves, vulnerable to addiction for example, and have endless relationship problems.
She seems desperately attention seeking at the very least, I mean stealing your wedding fgs! How low can you go.

Your parents are part of the problem here. Refusing to talk to you when you're upset about something valid is really shitty.
I wonder if your sister has had a problematic relationship with them herself, and there are things you're unaware of.

An old boyfriend's Sister used to blatantly copy my clothes. We were in our late teens early 20s at the time. People used to say to me to take it as a compliment but it was bloody hard and very annoying at the time. I'd buy something new but then not wear it until it was no longer available in the shops.
The hair was the worst. Whatever colour I did it, she'd do it next time round, never a word about it said. Never once said oh your hair looks lovely- she'd just copy it.
No advice, but feel your pain!

She has extreme mental illness? Maybe this explains her behaviour?

Reduce contact.

I have a sister very similar who tries to compete with me, only its the opposite because I have more income etc than her, so when she cant have the things O have, she throws a strop, even though her circumstances are her own doing.

Me and my family have come to the conclusion that she is jealous and envious of how my life has turned out vs hers.

I dont argue anymore. I dont talk to her nearly as much (maybe meet with her once a month and at family events) and since then, I have been more at peace.

Is she older than you by chance?

Why do you tell her things? She doesn’t need to know your career plans.

Don’t tell anyone you’re going low contact, just do it. You have a baby, you have an excuse to be busy when she wants to meet or talk on the phone.

Visit your parents when she’s not there.

i feel like it would be weird to not tell her about a 3 year degree i was doing?

she’s never there anyway, this is the ironic thing - they back her up constantly, always take her side, etc etc but she never actually makes any effort with them at all and is low contact with them. i suppose that’s why i feel worried about also going low contact with them all, because im the only one who actually bothers

a year older

I have seen this with my older sister. I know your pain.

From a young age, I'm guessing she's always been the one that was the golden child, had your parent's attention, got everything given to her as a child (so she's learnt to manipulate your parents)...but then you've had to probably forge your own life, be more independent, had more stable relationships and friendships? I bet you even did better at at her uni too, but her achievements were 'better' in your parents eyes.

But the issue is not you, the issue is her, and your parents. Your parents have enabled this behaviour for far too long, and your sister needs help! I think the thing you might have to do is block your sister, you don't need this toxic energy 👊