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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my DS choose where he spends Christmas Day

103 replies

kwilsona · 27/11/2023 10:28

To give a bit of backstory, I have DS10 with my ex. I have very limited contact with my ex as it always ends up with him arguing. He doesn't help with medical appointments, haircuts, homework, contribute towards school uniform, come to parents evening etc.

In the last year he has gone from having DS10 9 nights a month, to 6, and now 4. The most recent reeducation was due to his 4 year old starting school and between the other DC there he can no longer get our DS to or from school. This does mean that even on the weekends he has him I still have to collect him from school on the Friday. DS now goes every other weekend but my ex is a shift worker so sometimes he is at work when he has our DS.

Bearing all of this in mind, DS feels like his Dad doesn't care about him anymore and prefers his new children.

We always take turns at Christmas. One has DS Xmas Eve and then we swap on Xmas Day at lunchtime. This year it's my turn to have him Xmas Eve.

DS has turned round and said he wants to stay with me for all of Xmas this year and see his Dad on Boxing Day instead.

This will not be well received by my ex and I will undoubtedly get accusations of brainwashing DS.

IABU - I should tell DS that he has to go to his Dad's Xmas Day as it is his turn and we need to stick to the arrangement to make it fair.

IANBU - I should tell DS that it is fine for him to stay with me for all of Xmas (as he feels completely unwanted by his Dad).

OP posts:
FluffyChemical · 27/11/2023 10:34

YANBU - Let him stay where he wants. I had a similar setup as a child of divorced parents with nee step parents each side. I always hated the shuffling about and being passed around at Christmas never felt very much about my enjoyment more to appease all the adults involved so they felt they were getting their share. There's nothing worse than being somewhere you feel unwelcome and unwanted as a kid. Let him stay with you and have a lovely Christmas where he feels loved and comfortable to enjoy it.

verabarbleen · 27/11/2023 10:37

I agree with pp as a child of divorce , let
Him decide and have a wonderful Christmas 🤶

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/11/2023 11:04

I agrée, let him choose. He’ll be able to choose a lot more for himself in a couple of years!

Also will soon be able to walk to and from school alone so that issue will be gone.

TheTecknician · 27/11/2023 11:28

Your ex sounds like a deadbeat and you and DS are clearly aware of this. DS has the final say here.

WhatNoUsername · 27/11/2023 11:44

He should stay where he wants. He's getting to an age when he might want to stop going to his dad's overnight altogether so he ought to be preparing for this. Teenagers often don't want to be flitting about between two homes.

As an aside I have no idea why any parents fo a mid-Christmas Day swap. So unsettling for everyone including the children who just want to play with their new toys - a compromise where everyone loses out imo. We did alternate years and that was much better. And when I didn't have the DC for Christmas we did an alternative Christmas Day in between Christmas and New Year so didn't miss out!

MaryShelley1818 · 27/11/2023 11:45

Absolutely let him choose 😊

Crayfishhe · 27/11/2023 11:50

You’ll get people telling you to do whatever you/your son want but is there a court order in place? What happens in other school holidays?

Quitelikeit · 27/11/2023 11:54

Would you like it if your DS turner round to his father and said ‘I want to stay at your house this week daddy’ and your ex calls you and tells you he isn’t coming back right now as your son wants to stay

I guess the answer is no you wouldn’t like it.

The harsh reality is that your son is feeling sidelined and that is due to a number of factors (some unavoidable tbf)

If you want to change the schedule do it like a grown up and talk to your ex about it. Otherwise expect further carnage going forward.

Flamingogirl08 · 27/11/2023 11:58

Yeah I'd let him stay with you.

I'm a stepmum and we always take turns. Last year was DSD's Mum's turn to have her Christmas Eve. However it was the first Christmas with my DD and her little sister.

She asked her Mum if she could stay with us to have Christmas Eve and morning with her baby sister. Now that must have hurt her Mum but she respected what she wanted and she stayed with us.

Sometimes you have to just let them decide, especially in a blended family situation because they don't get to control or have a say in many of the decisions the adults make for them

Ohtobetwentytwo · 27/11/2023 11:59

Think hard before agreeing. DS feels pushed out by dad, so not seeing him xmas day isnt going to help that, even if he is asking for it.

Ex may then ask to alternate full days in future and as DS gets older, he may well prefer time with a dad if he buys devices and let's him sit on them all day.

Just think hard because if you agree, it's harder to walk back next year and the year after and as a teen DS may want to be at Dads and you might be on the receiving end of sons choice. X

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/11/2023 11:59

Is there a court order in place or just an agreement between you?

I’d be concerned for your DS that he’ll feel not being there for Christmas is confirmation that your ex doesn’t care so I wouldn’t instantly agree.

speak to your ex about what your DS has said - not for your exes sake, but for DSs. If he’s a dick about it then at least you know, and in time your DS will know, that you tried to give his dad a heads up on how he was feeling.

Your DS is old enough to have strong opinions so hopefully your ex will actually listen to how his child is feeling.

Original poster
kwilsona · 27/11/2023 12:02

@Crayfishhe There is no court order in place.

He doesn't have him for any of the school holidays, apart from a few days in the Summer hols.

OP posts:
Original poster
kwilsona · 27/11/2023 17:02

@YetMoreNewBeginnings No court order in place although my ex has always dictated what contact should be.

OP posts:
Original poster
kwilsona · 04/12/2023 13:43

Quick update on this - I've spoken to his Dad who has said that if DS doesn't come on Christmas Day then he isn't able to go there Boxing Day instead (they will be at home).

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can sort this?!

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 04/12/2023 13:57

kwilsona · 04/12/2023 13:43

Quick update on this - I've spoken to his Dad who has said that if DS doesn't come on Christmas Day then he isn't able to go there Boxing Day instead (they will be at home).

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can sort this?!

Do you mean he's saying no to Boxing Day out of pique??

I'm another who thinks he should spend Christmas where he wants fwiw. I used to try to be really fair to ExDH, but then I realised I couldn't do that at the expense of DS's enjoyment of Christmas as it's only magic for a few years... So while I always make sure he spends a few hours with his dad on the day, he spends the bulk of it with me as per his own preference.

FetchezLaVache · 04/12/2023 13:59

Would your ex listen if you explained that DS feels second best to his younger siblings and that if he, your ex, insists on having his own way on this he's only going to push DS further away?

Popetthetreehugger · 04/12/2023 14:00

Just tell your son the truth , he can weigh up what he wants to do . Sounds like your ex is a bit my way or high way . Never a good mix with teenagers.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 04/12/2023 14:02

kwilsona · 04/12/2023 13:43

Quick update on this - I've spoken to his Dad who has said that if DS doesn't come on Christmas Day then he isn't able to go there Boxing Day instead (they will be at home).

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can sort this?!

So unless he gets his way then he won’t see your DS at all?

Thats just a pathetic hissy fit and shows he has zero consideration for your DS’s feelings.

You can’t sort it because that would require your ex being reasonable.

Tell him you’ll let DS know what he’s said and will get back to him with your DS’s decision.

Original poster
kwilsona · 04/12/2023 14:06

Sorry I should have been clearer in that post! I suggested that he have DS Boxing Day instead as they will be at home but he said that it's Xmas Day or nothing.

@FetchezLaVache I've told him this on a couple of occasions now and have been thoroughly dismissed. He made out that DS was being dramatic!

OP posts:
Cattiwampus · 04/12/2023 14:06

Tell your son the truth and let him decide what to do.
Your ex seems to assume that he sets the rules, and changes them as he pleases. And everyone else is expected to comply.
Relationships with teenagers take work and effort.
Although he’s only 10, you are laying down a good foundation with him if he feels you are listening to what he’s saying and taking his wishes into consideration. If ex has no explanation for why he can’t come on Boxing Day, then your DS needs to know that.
Good luck.

SpringleDingle · 04/12/2023 14:14

Fine, he doesn't get him at all then... You do what the kid wants. I have a DD12 and my exH and I bend whichever way her wind is blowing at the moment. This is totally normal and right. He is cutting off his nose to spite his face but that's his problem. Reassure your kid that he has done no wrong and his dad is being an arse and then enjoy your Xmas.

FetchezLaVache · 04/12/2023 14:26

@kwilsona wow - what a dick!!

FluffyChemical · 13/12/2023 15:43

This is very manipulative and immature on exes part. It is really sad that his own ego is more important than how his son is processing complicated feelings about his place in a blended family.

Sorry you're having to deal with this. I can only reiterate my original point in allowing your son to choose. With that said, if offered the choice as a 10 year old I would have gone with whatever everyone wanted to keep the peace and not upset anyone. I'm pretty sure this is where my people pleasing behaviours originated. Maybe just reassure him that he shouldn't feel any guilt in staying with you, that his feelings are important and he deserves to have a nice Christmas and spend it where he wants. It's not his job to keep the adults happy.

FluffyChemical · 13/12/2023 15:46

I really hope you and your son have a magical Christmas however you end up spending it.

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/12/2023 22:20

I would just say oh well he will see you sometime after Boxing Day then. It's great that your son can speak up. It's really important that you listen to him and take him really seriously.

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