To let my DS choose where he spends Christmas Day

[kwilsona]

To give a bit of backstory, I have DS10 with my ex. I have very limited contact with my ex as it always ends up with him arguing. He doesn't help with medical appointments, haircuts, homework, contribute towards school uniform, come to parents evening etc.

In the last year he has gone from having DS10 9 nights a month, to 6, and now 4. The most recent reeducation was due to his 4 year old starting school and between the other DC there he can no longer get our DS to or from school. This does mean that even on the weekends he has him I still have to collect him from school on the Friday. DS now goes every other weekend but my ex is a shift worker so sometimes he is at work when he has our DS.

Bearing all of this in mind, DS feels like his Dad doesn't care about him anymore and prefers his new children.

We always take turns at Christmas. One has DS Xmas Eve and then we swap on Xmas Day at lunchtime. This year it's my turn to have him Xmas Eve.

DS has turned round and said he wants to stay with me for all of Xmas this year and see his Dad on Boxing Day instead.

This will not be well received by my ex and I will undoubtedly get accusations of brainwashing DS.

IABU - I should tell DS that he has to go to his Dad's Xmas Day as it is his turn and we need to stick to the arrangement to make it fair.

IANBU - I should tell DS that it is fine for him to stay with me for all of Xmas (as he feels completely unwanted by his Dad).

@kwilsona

Keep DS with you. It's what HE wants.

i would one more message & be VERY clear DS doesn't want to come. DS knows you prioritise your second family, he feels you don't (whatever DS says to you). DS will not be coming to yours Christmas Day.

if he threatens anything, just tell him you'll see him in court.

he sounds too lazy to bother with that & even if he did, DS will be 11 by next Christmas & they won't make him go.

sorry if I missed it, but have you told CMS about the greatly reduced nights per month?

I hope you & DS have a lovely Christmas.

So there's the man he really is _ the one who can't possibly be at fault, it must be you doing wrong and his DS. Most exs wouldn't blame their child. Don't read his nasty abusive messages Op, he's an ex for a good reason and you don't need to feel guilty

@MulledWineBeMine We don't go through the CSA as I got huge amounts of abuse when I tried before. He definitely doesn't pay me enough!

Basically he still bullies and abuses you.

You may as well get it over with and go to CMS and court to get contact sorted. Block him on everything but email.

He will be nasty, you will be exempt from mediation once you explain how he treats you, shuttle mediation may be an option though.

Going through Court and CMS can be a good thing, it puts a middle man between you. Any issues just refer him back to the court order (which he won't bother to actually go for) or tell him to take it up with CMS. Rinse and repeat.

Go through the CSA, report any abuse. He's a giant wanker, no wonder DS doesn't want to go there!!

Stop believing his bullshit threats.

I have one upset DS this morning, he's woken up to messages about how much they can't wait to spend tomorrow with him. I feel like making him go now there now, I feel so sorry for him.

Don’t make him go if he doesn’t want to.

He needs to know he has one parent at least who listens to him and respects his wishes.

If he wants to go then let him. Don’t make him though.

If your son doesn't want to go, don't make him. Block his dad on both phones until after Christmas but first tell him why. Your son is old enough to choose where he goes and he's choosing not to go to his dads.

In January, go through CMS to make sure finances are fair but maybe check first that you would actually be better off. If he's got other kids that will reduce what he has to pay.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings He doesn't want to go but he's said the messages have made him feel bad as he thinks he's upsetting his Dad.

@thedamnseason There are 4 other kids in the house!

So if you have an idea of his income you can check on the CMS calculator what he should be paying based on that. Obviously if you don't know how much he earns it's tricky but you don't want to end up getting less than he pays now.

I had to explain to my eldest daughters when they were younger that sometimes it’s perfectly acceptable to make choices that upset other people (their dad).

We don’t always have to put other people first. Your son hasn’t been unreasonable. He/you have offered his dad multiple alternatives and his dad is the one saying my way or the Highway so your son isn’t responsible for upsetting someone who won’t compromise an inch.

This

OP your son is getting to the point where you can't physically force him to do things.

This means if adults don't respect his wishes then he will dig his heels in and do what he wants by foul means. These means will probably be violent.

Btw his father has displayed exactly why your DS doesn't want to spend Xmas day with him.

Teach him about emotional blackmail.

Ask him why he thinks they are sending those messages.

Ask him if he thinks it would be ok to send messages to them about how feels left out and ignored the rest of the year?

Let him work through his thoughts and feelings about it.

I'm all for letting them decide but remember he could decide differently in the future. Would you be okay if over the next few years he chooses not to be with you? If so, then fine, go ahead.

Listen to your son. What kind of a parent decides not to see their child at all over Christmas because they can’t get their way? What an absolute child.

You are not wrong.

I've now been messaged to say that they've found the address of the relatives we'll be at so they'll be there to pick them up tomorrow!

You need to put your foot down. If your son doesn’t want to go then he doesn’t have to go and if his dad turns up and makes a scene then the police should be called.

He probably needs a bit of reassurance that it is okay to prioritise his own needs. Sometimes people get upset and it isn't your fault, your son has been completely reasonable with his wishes. It is out of his control how his dad chooses to react, it is best not to give in to blackmail or you're just setting him up to not have healthy boundaries in the future.

@kwilsona That is a step too far. Wherever you are, keep the doors locked. Don't let that shit of a father get his way by stalking you. He sounds off his rocker. And don’t hesitate to involve the police if he dares to cause a scene (might actually be the wake up call he needs).

Sorry must have cross posted while you were writing this. Agree with previous poster, you really have to put your foot down now. Make sure you're locked in and don't answer the door if he turns up. He can't get away with bullying you both into his way or nothing. I can see why your son didn't want to go now.

He is one hell of a bully isn't he?

Time to stand up to him once and for all.

Speak with your DS explain what his Dad is doing is bullying ask to look after his phone/ipad whatever.

Confirm the plans for tonight and tomorrow and if Dad turns up before 6pm he won't be going with him and if Dad is nasty the police will be called.

Tell you ex he is welcome to collect 6pm as you previously offered and ask him to initiate mediation so CAO can be sorted.

Turn off both your phones. Give yourselves a manipulative cunt free Christmas.

EDIT: ... OR - having read the latest update - keep the phones on and call the police if he comes near you tomorrow.

@kwilsona At 10 your son should have the right to say no. Your ex isn't listening to your son so he needs to know you hear him and won't make him go if he doesn't want to. He clearly doesn't feel like his Dad's priority and as a child of divorce I get that, please let him see he is yours.