Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my DS choose where he spends Christmas Day

103 replies

kwilsona · 27/11/2023 10:28

To give a bit of backstory, I have DS10 with my ex. I have very limited contact with my ex as it always ends up with him arguing. He doesn't help with medical appointments, haircuts, homework, contribute towards school uniform, come to parents evening etc.

In the last year he has gone from having DS10 9 nights a month, to 6, and now 4. The most recent reeducation was due to his 4 year old starting school and between the other DC there he can no longer get our DS to or from school. This does mean that even on the weekends he has him I still have to collect him from school on the Friday. DS now goes every other weekend but my ex is a shift worker so sometimes he is at work when he has our DS.

Bearing all of this in mind, DS feels like his Dad doesn't care about him anymore and prefers his new children.

We always take turns at Christmas. One has DS Xmas Eve and then we swap on Xmas Day at lunchtime. This year it's my turn to have him Xmas Eve.

DS has turned round and said he wants to stay with me for all of Xmas this year and see his Dad on Boxing Day instead.

This will not be well received by my ex and I will undoubtedly get accusations of brainwashing DS.

IABU - I should tell DS that he has to go to his Dad's Xmas Day as it is his turn and we need to stick to the arrangement to make it fair.

IANBU - I should tell DS that it is fine for him to stay with me for all of Xmas (as he feels completely unwanted by his Dad).

OP posts:
Original poster
kwilsona · 26/12/2023 09:36

No one turned up yesterday thankfully.

He did, however, stick to his word about refusing to see DS today, so DS won't be seeing his Dad at all over Christmas. There were a few tears last night.

OP posts:
MimiGC · 26/12/2023 09:55

At 10, I think your son is too young to be having independent contact with an emotionally abusive parent. Before the advent of mobile phones, this couldn't have happened and abusive parents are taking advantage of it. Block your ex's number on the boy's phone and tell him all contact has to go through you, as it's too upsetting for the child. If he doesn't like it, he can take you to court (which sounds like it wouldn't be a bad idea anyway, given his behaviour).

FluffyChemical · 26/12/2023 10:28

kwilsona · 26/12/2023 09:36

No one turned up yesterday thankfully.

He did, however, stick to his word about refusing to see DS today, so DS won't be seeing his Dad at all over Christmas. There were a few tears last night.

I hope you both still managed to have a lovely day and weren't too on edge. Agree with other posters that you need to pursue going through court / CMS in the New Year so that there can be a middle man protecting you from being at the mercy of his demands and emotional blackmail.

cansu · 26/12/2023 10:37

I think you should have sent ds as this was your agreement. Your ds is still young at 10 to be making this kind of decision. How will you feel if this happens the other way round and your ds announces he wants to stay with his dad? I think when kids get to the teen years then yes they can make more decisions. At 10 he is too young. You now are at loggerheads and this is not good for anyone.

cansu · 26/12/2023 10:38

Going through court would likely mean that he will be given more time if he wants it and you will be more constrained. I am not sure that the court would think a 10 year old able to make decisions to refuse contact.

MintJulia · 26/12/2023 10:43

YANBU When my d turned 10, I said he was old enough to decide for himself where he spent Christmas.

He's always chosen to stay with me, apparently because xmas at his dad's involves walking dogs three times a day in the cold/wet, there's no music, no tree, no pudding and the internet is rubbish.

It's hard to argue with that. 😮

Kids are very good at seeing things as they really are.

MintJulia · 26/12/2023 10:48

I can't believe your ex didn't collect his ds this morning. That smacks of laziness or being too hung over to care.

It seems your ds has assessed the situation correctly and your ex really isn't that interested.

Nothing would stop me from seeing my ds on Boxing Day in the same circumstances. Your ex's reaction says it all.

Original poster
kwilsona · 26/12/2023 10:54

@MintJulia Unfortunately it's not laziness or being hungover. He basically indicated that if DS didn't go when he was supposed to then he couldn't go at all!

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 10:56

I feel for you op. My ex is similar in blaming me/the kids and refusing to look at his own problematic behaviour - sorry your ds is upset - sadly there's nothing you can do to make it right other than everything you're already doing.Flowers

Original poster
kwilsona · 26/12/2023 11:00

@CandyLeBonBon It's awful isn't it? I got endless amounts of messages Xmas Eve saying this was me stopping DS going, I'd made it all up and it couldn't possibly be my ex's behaviour that has caused this. Sigh.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 26/12/2023 11:02

Then your ex is a short sighted controlling arse, who will sadly lose contact with his ds eventually and then claim it isn't his fault. He'll probably claim you alienated him. 🙄

olympicsrock · 26/12/2023 11:16

This sounds truly hideous. I would honestly think about taking your son’s mobile away for a while so that he can’t be subjected to emotional abuse.
ex needs to seriously think about how he builds bridges here.

Daleksatemyshed · 26/12/2023 14:38

I know it's hard Op but you need to get tougher on your Ex, it's all about him, no real care for your DS. I said he was an arsehole before, I'd like to change that to bastard

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 14:54

kwilsona · 26/12/2023 11:00

@CandyLeBonBon It's awful isn't it? I got endless amounts of messages Xmas Eve saying this was me stopping DS going, I'd made it all up and it couldn't possibly be my ex's behaviour that has caused this. Sigh.

Oh yes I had similar- it used to upset me because it felt so unjust and all I ever wanted was a was of coparenting amicably but when he starts ranting at me via text these days about how awful I am, I'm able to just ignore and sigh.

You have my heartfelt sympathy 💐

Rocksonabeach · 26/12/2023 17:19

kwilsona · 04/12/2023 14:06

Sorry I should have been clearer in that post! I suggested that he have DS Boxing Day instead as they will be at home but he said that it's Xmas Day or nothing.

@FetchezLaVache I've told him this on a couple of occasions now and have been thoroughly dismissed. He made out that DS was being dramatic!

Then you say ok then sorry to hear that. Happy Christmas. Drop the rope.

Original poster
kwilsona · 27/12/2023 20:02

And so it continues... He's cancelled having him this weekend (his regular weekend). No reason, he just 'can't' have him. He's continuing to punish DS for not going Xmas Day.

This is going to really affect DS. Do I stop contact altogether? Let him do this? I'm at a loss. He's spent 3 hours with him in the last 6 weeks due to repeatedly cancelling having him.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/12/2023 20:10

kwilsona · 27/12/2023 20:02

And so it continues... He's cancelled having him this weekend (his regular weekend). No reason, he just 'can't' have him. He's continuing to punish DS for not going Xmas Day.

This is going to really affect DS. Do I stop contact altogether? Let him do this? I'm at a loss. He's spent 3 hours with him in the last 6 weeks due to repeatedly cancelling having him.

Sounds to me like he’s going to try and force you and/or your DS for a grovelling apology and ‘please see me’ type thing.

I would stand steadfast. Focus on supporting your son and if his Dad asks to see him as him if he wants to.

I wouldn’t initiate or force contact in any way. Follow your Das’s lead, and whilst I wouldn’t slag off his dad I would validate your DS’s feelings if he speaks about it.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2023 20:19

kwilsona · 27/12/2023 20:02

And so it continues... He's cancelled having him this weekend (his regular weekend). No reason, he just 'can't' have him. He's continuing to punish DS for not going Xmas Day.

This is going to really affect DS. Do I stop contact altogether? Let him do this? I'm at a loss. He's spent 3 hours with him in the last 6 weeks due to repeatedly cancelling having him.

Hard though it is, as a pp says, drop the rope.

Work on helping your son manage his feelings. Being as neutral as you can whilst helping D's feel heard and understood.

Grey rock your ex. Do nice stuff with DS and sit tight.

When ex gets in touch, be neutral, stick to facts, don't get drawn into emotional exchanges. When he throws another strop, grey rock again. Rinse and repeat. Neutrality is key here. It's not easy and it requires effort but it's best for you and your DS's mental health.

HappyCamperTent · 27/12/2023 20:28

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2023 20:19

Hard though it is, as a pp says, drop the rope.

Work on helping your son manage his feelings. Being as neutral as you can whilst helping D's feel heard and understood.

Grey rock your ex. Do nice stuff with DS and sit tight.

When ex gets in touch, be neutral, stick to facts, don't get drawn into emotional exchanges. When he throws another strop, grey rock again. Rinse and repeat. Neutrality is key here. It's not easy and it requires effort but it's best for you and your DS's mental health.

Show quote history

This makes so much sense!

AuntMarch · 27/12/2023 20:31

My son is only 4 and likes going to his dad so we are taking turns - it still smarts a little that I do all the mental load and 12 nights in 14, yet he gets equal share of the fun stuff! And we get on fine, and I know DC had a great time which is most important, so I can't even imagine the stress this brings.
(I love having DC majority just wish it was 12 Christmases in 14 too 😁)

I wouldn't argue or ask him to reconsider when he is refusing to have him though, he is the one missing out. Keep all the messages, it's evidence in your favour if he were to try the court route.

LittleOwl153 · 27/12/2023 20:37

I'd use that as your trigger to go to cms and get the right payment for DS. His dad is already buggering about and looking for the big apology/gesture to pick a fight - all rather pathetic isn't it.

Does DS have his own phone? Or are these messages coming to you? If they are coming to you stop sharing them, or he only uses his phone for contact with dad I'd suggest he switch it off for now.

I'm going to guess that when he does eventually go to his dads he will not get any Christmas presents from them either as that time has passed - despite his step siblings no doubt getting a healthy pile. Poor kid.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 27/12/2023 20:39

@cansu at the age of 10 the courts will certainly listen to the child’s wishes and feelings, we had the same situation only vice versa with my stepdaughters mum, she would try and dictate the contact and tell the girls to keep secrets etc from my DH “stuff he wasn’t even fussed about” but it was to try and cause a reaction a lot of the time as DH used to feel frustrated that she say this to the girls and upset them and make them feel stuck in the middle.

it got to the extent where the eldest stepdaughter refused to return home one week because she was scared of her mum badmouthing her dad and she didn’t want to hear it anymore.

a professional came and spoke to her in school and was very friendly and nice, stepdaughter had no idea it was anyone from the courts who came to speak with her, she had her wishes and feelings assessment and both girls are with us 50:50 in half terms/school holidays and 2nights a week during term time.

social services also had to be involved with mum and did regular visits to chat with the girls to make sure no badmouthing was happening etc..

so yes, at the age of 10 they can certainly have there wishes and feelings in court and they will be listened to.. especially if the child is more mature.

LittleOwl153 · 27/12/2023 20:44

I'd suggest looking at one of the parenting apps for communication with him too. Then block all other form of contact. Don't let him constantly dictate and harass you.

cansu · 27/12/2023 21:36

CrazyHedgehogLover
I think this probably depends on the professional. I have read a lot in the media and on mumsnet about how the family court is not fit for purpose.

PurpleOrchid42 · 27/12/2023 21:43

Your poor son, I'm so sorry his Dad is acting like this. He must feel so unwanted and unheard by him. I mean, why didn't his father simply ask to speak to him on the phone, and just listen, in a kind way, to what his son had to say???