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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Losing custody

76 replies

Downandworried · 27/11/2023 09:14

Shamelessly posting on here as I know it gets a lot of traffic.

I have started to write this out multiple times but end up waffling on and getting too emotional so I am going to try again without doing that.

Looking for advice on custody in a divorce. 9 month old son, husband is a good father but emotionally abusive. He has told me that if we were to separate he would be awarded custody of my son as I can’t provide a home for him.

I work part time 30 hours over 3 days and my job is not well paid. I wouldn’t be able to afford to rent a place and would be moving back to parent’s large home. They would be more than happy to have us and it would be a nice environment for me and son with plenty of space but would the courts see this as an issue?

Husband has a mortgage and a fairly well paid job. My plan would be to save as much as I can and look to get our own place once I was back full time and son entitled to 30 hours free childcare.

I also have a thousand pounds on a catalogue type account I am currently chipping away at. Never missed a minimum payment and pay more as and when I can afford it. Husband says this combined with the fact I don’t drive and would be living with family will mean the courts award him custody.

I realise I am useless, I am a bad mother in the fact that I cannot financially provide for my son properly but I know he has all the love and care he needs from me. He is my absolute world and being a mother is the one thing I can say with confidence that am good at. I know I have let him down by not making better decisions in life though and feel ashamed and guilty about this.

I would be happy to share custody. Both of our parents currently look after our son one day a week each to allow me to work. Would courts give my husband sole custody based on all of this? I do most of the physical care for our son, husband has only ever changed a handful of nappies and given a few bottles.

I am so very down about this all, I wish I hadn’t let my son down. The last couple of years have been the hardest of my life. I lost my first baby at 5 months. My grandmother who I was close to died suddenly and my grandfather has dementia and has deteriorated rapidly. My mum is just the most lovely person and I worry about her a lot, it really upsets me that I am going to be adding to her stresses with this.

Basically what I am asking is will I lose my baby? I work part time, don’t drive and would be living with my parents (I appreciate what a loser I sound) and he has a decent job and a mortgage. Sorry, I waffled again.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 27/11/2023 09:15

Your husband is talking absolute and utter shit. Stop listening to him and talk to a solicitor instead.

Illbebythesea · 27/11/2023 09:18

None of those things are reasons to take a child away OP. Your husband is talking utter shit. Don’t spend another minute worrying yourself sick about it, you’re not going to lose your son and you haven’t let him down either.

Backtobacky · 27/11/2023 09:19

You really need to stop listening to him and speak to an expert, you'll feel better for it.

Beezknees · 27/11/2023 09:19

Of course the courts would not see it as an issue. I was homeless and living in a hostel with my DS at one point and there was never any talk of me losing custody.

CousinGoldfinch · 27/11/2023 09:19

This is just another way of your husband abusing you.it's not true. But don't get into an argument with him about it. See a solicitor and leave. If you can't afford a solicitor (i dont know if legal aid is available to you), speak to Women's Aid. Good luck, OP. You and your child will have a much better life once you have left. 💐

piperpheobepruepaige · 27/11/2023 09:20

Yes, he's talking crap

LIZS · 27/11/2023 09:21

Are you the main carer? It would take a lot for a baby to be removed from a mother by a court if so, think neglect or serious substance abuse. He is emotionally abusing you by saying this.

Fieldofbrokenpromises · 27/11/2023 09:22

There is no such thing as custody - he is talking bollocks.

HermioneWeasley · 27/11/2023 09:22

You need a plan. Your husband will be awarded some custody of your child. He may well use this to control you, including emotionally abusing your son just to hurt you. The courts are incredibly pro kids seeing their fathers, even in cases of proven abuse. Child maintenance services are useless - assume you will have to find everything for a long time, forever if he can so self employed and hide his earnings.

SawX · 27/11/2023 09:23

Based on that there is no way you'll lose your baby. 50/50 is the worst case scenario.

Also don't forget that you're likely entitled to 50% of the house value, even if your husband pays the mortgage.

Don't agree to anything - financial or custody - without a solicitor. This man is going to take advantage of you any way he can and you need to be prepared.

Goodnessgraciousmee · 27/11/2023 09:24

This is just another facet of your husband's emotional abuse and not true at all. Initially, I would look for free advice/support from sources such as women's aid.

You're not a bad mother and have nothing to be ashamed of. Any man who is emotionally abusive towards his child's mother is not a good father, however.

I'm sorry that life has been so hard on you. Your divorce will be another ordeal to get through. I'm so happy to hear your parents are there to support and provide for you and your child. Life is going to get so much better for you once you get through this. Keep holding on xxx

Workawayxx · 27/11/2023 09:25

hes talking absolute shit. He’s just trying to bring you down and make you scared to leave. The fact you work part time around your DS’s needs would be a plus for you being the resident parent. A home with extended family and support is also ideal for your DS. Also as he’s a baby, he needs his primary carer. I’d speak to a solicitor for clarification but I truly don’t think you have anything to worry about.

i also doubt a man who has barely bothered to care for his child will step up and do everything needed for primary residency! He’s just trying to scare you.

I split with ex when my DS was 9 months and for about a year, DS just spent short periods of time with his dad, no overnights.

popplego · 27/11/2023 09:26

If anything OP the courts may view it as a positive that you have a good support network in your parents. Don't let him bully you Flowers

SisterMichaelsHabit · 27/11/2023 09:26

husband is a good father but emotionally abusive.
Both these clauses cannot be true simultaneously. A good father wouldn't treat his child's mother poorly, even if the relationship ended. Children notice abuse even when it's not directed towards them.
You need to get him out of your head and think rationally. Plenty of people have children and live with their parents/don't drive/work part-time. Some people don't work at all and are homeless in temporary accommodation. There is nothing stopping these people having their children.
But it sounds like you need to steel yourself for a fight, toughen up, and don't believe anything he says about you.

FedUpMumof10YO · 27/11/2023 09:28

Worst case scenario is he would have 50% custody.

He's using a well known tactic to keep you with him. He knows it'll work and he knows as a mother you losing your child is unthinkable.
I imagine you're now thinking the lesser of the evils is for you to stay together.

A court wouldn't remove your access.

I appreciate it all seems hopeless, I've been there.

Flowers
redalex261 · 27/11/2023 09:31

He is talking crap - this is extension of his controlling behaviour. Agree nothing without legal advice. Your potential circumstances as laid out are more than good enough.

CatOnAMushroom · 27/11/2023 09:33

He's talking out of his arse to control you. I would advise you to get out of this situation asap as his emotional abuse has clearly has a big impact on how you view yourself. You are far from the "loser" that he has made you believe. Get out. Get free and get some counselling to deal with what he will continue to throw at you in the months to come to try and wear you down and regain his control

CyberCritical · 27/11/2023 09:38

Ok, sounds like he's emotionally abusive and playing on your insecurities.

Take a step outside of the situation if you can and look at all the very competent single mothers out there with custody of their children and without high flying high paid jobs.

You are your babies mother at most he would be awarded 50/50 because it's always considered the best starting point to ensure equal access for the child to both parents. As long as you can provide a place to live (your parents house), food, clothing and care you will be seen as doing a fantastic job.

You should also look at sites like entitledto.com to see if you would be eligible for UC and the housing element to cover some of your rent so that you could potentially afford your own home.

ACynicalDad · 27/11/2023 09:39

The child: worst case is 50:50. I reckon you can get 50% of the catalogue bill covered as part of a financial order, too.

Mumtime2 · 27/11/2023 09:40

He is incorrect on all of the things you mentioned
My advice as another pp said is to get your own legal advice.
You can provide a home that's no way shameful as many of us fall back on our family sometimes.
The courts, lawyers have seen and heard it all.
Your well off husband can maybe afford whatever.
The child needs a stable happy healthy home whatever your income.
Part time is good as a even balance for a child or what you have for you then so what.
Smile and ignore his threats!
Money can not buy or persuade a judge to award him anything that is not fair.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/11/2023 09:42

In the absence of abuse the courts like to stick to the status quo as its in the child's best interests to have less disruption.

If you are the primary carer there is a very good chance you will remain so and he may be awarded every other weekend. Worst case is 50/50 but unlikely with a child so young.

There is a presumption of contact with both parents under the Children Act so please don't worry. Your parents will be seen as a positive as they are your support network.

Singlespies · 27/11/2023 09:43

If he earns much more than you, when you split marital assets you are likely to get more than 50%.

He is being abusive.

The mostly likely scenario is that - because you will work part time - you will look after your child for a greater proportion of the week. He will need to pay child maintenance, and you will get more of the assets.

Don't forget his pension fund, either!

Densol57 · 27/11/2023 09:45

He is talking absolute nonsense. In fact he may have to let YOU live in the house till your son is 18. That would be your starting point.
Run your details through "entitled to " and turn to us " If you decide to rent your own place, you can get Universal Credit help towards the rent ( max local authority limit )
Seek urgent legal help as he is just starting on his campaign to wear you down.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 27/11/2023 09:47

You have not let your child down. You have not.

I suspect your mum would be a lot less stressed knowing you were free from him and healing at her home!

Gnomegnomegnome · 27/11/2023 09:50

None of these things make you useless or a bad mum. He would love you to believe that!

It’s more likely that you’ll both get 50:50 but you not driving and moving in with your mum doesn’t mean that you’ll lose custody.

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