Losing custody

[Downandworried]

Shamelessly posting on here as I know it gets a lot of traffic.

I have started to write this out multiple times but end up waffling on and getting too emotional so I am going to try again without doing that.

Looking for advice on custody in a divorce. 9 month old son, husband is a good father but emotionally abusive. He has told me that if we were to separate he would be awarded custody of my son as I can’t provide a home for him.

I work part time 30 hours over 3 days and my job is not well paid. I wouldn’t be able to afford to rent a place and would be moving back to parent’s large home. They would be more than happy to have us and it would be a nice environment for me and son with plenty of space but would the courts see this as an issue?

Husband has a mortgage and a fairly well paid job. My plan would be to save as much as I can and look to get our own place once I was back full time and son entitled to 30 hours free childcare.

I also have a thousand pounds on a catalogue type account I am currently chipping away at. Never missed a minimum payment and pay more as and when I can afford it. Husband says this combined with the fact I don’t drive and would be living with family will mean the courts award him custody.

I realise I am useless, I am a bad mother in the fact that I cannot financially provide for my son properly but I know he has all the love and care he needs from me. He is my absolute world and being a mother is the one thing I can say with confidence that am good at. I know I have let him down by not making better decisions in life though and feel ashamed and guilty about this.

I would be happy to share custody. Both of our parents currently look after our son one day a week each to allow me to work. Would courts give my husband sole custody based on all of this? I do most of the physical care for our son, husband has only ever changed a handful of nappies and given a few bottles.

I am so very down about this all, I wish I hadn’t let my son down. The last couple of years have been the hardest of my life. I lost my first baby at 5 months. My grandmother who I was close to died suddenly and my grandfather has dementia and has deteriorated rapidly. My mum is just the most lovely person and I worry about her a lot, it really upsets me that I am going to be adding to her stresses with this.

Basically what I am asking is will I lose my baby? I work part time, don’t drive and would be living with my parents (I appreciate what a loser I sound) and he has a decent job and a mortgage. Sorry, I waffled again.

He’s saying this to stop you going after his money. To scare you. To keep you in your place.

of course, that’s not going to work! And I’d bet a large sum that when it comes to it, he won’t want your son even 50/50.

and please stop the negative talk about yourself. You are not a failure, or pathetic, or a loser. You’ll be fine, promise

An emotionally abusive man will find the places that will hurt you most and give him the most power, then press those buttons.

That's what he's doing. He knows he's likely to lose out in a divorce, to have to pay you maintenance, he'll see you less, not have you as a fun plaything to mess with for his own enjoyment, presumably will have to do more of his own housework and cooking etc.

He doesn't want you to leave because now he's got you where he wants you and if you split, he loses a lot of control and control is what he likes.

Courts rule based on what is in the best interests of the child. Which is only in the very rarest of circumstances to be parted from their mother. In your circumstances it's definitely not being parted from you. You have a job and could provide a roof over your heads, via your mother. That's enough.

In a divorce you would likely also get some money, share in the house etc - get financial documents to show assets if you can and see a lawyer as soon as you can. They sometimes agree to be funded by taking a portion of what you're given in the end.

If you have anything in writing showing his abusive behaviour, keep that safe (set up another email account and send it to it or something).

He's not a good father. He'll probably be awarded some kind of custody, more like a night or two a week or every other weekend. Manage this via an email you set up for that purpose, don't let him be constantly contacting you and expecting a response whenever he fancies it as this is another form of control. He'll do anything to get an emotive response from you.

This gaslighting bollocks from him is most likely deliberately calculated to worry you along with the rest of the problems you have. Just cruelty from him.
Seriously consider going to Mum, she has made the offer.
Not been in quite this situation myself, so asking others would a letter from Mum help when it gets to decision time in court?

I can't offer practical advice but want to say you sound like such a loving mum & your baby will value that much more than not having extra money. Your child needs your love & presence & you can give those living at your parents or even in a caravan if it comes to it. There are plenty of ppl with very comfortable incomes who give neither of those things, so it's all arse about face.

You won't lose your baby. He's trying to manipulate you into staying with him. He's an abusive prick.

Your housing situation and dept won't impact on you have custody of your child. He's talking shut. Otherwise you would never woman's refuges, temporary housing, ect. He's trying to scare you.

I'd contact womans aid to get advice about the emotional abuse.

Look at turn to us benefit calculator. See what you would be entitled to. You might be entitled to money towards housing as well. You could do a calculator without rent and then one with rent. Just base it on what right move I'd saying to rent in yournlical area.

You also need to see your own solicitor without his knowledge. Don't tell him anything. Let them advise and guide you.

Also he's not a good father. A good father wouldn't want to separate a child from its primary carer.

Are you not on the deeds of the house. You need legal advice asap and get the ball rolling. I can’t even at his age see 50/50 with his work hours but noth8ng you have said there means a thing when it comes to who can look after your son

and you aren’t a terrible mother

There's only one loser here and it's not you. You are a good mum and you're not going to lose your baby.

The waste of space who has only ever "changed a handful of nappies and given a few bottles", while gaslighting and abusing you is not a good dad. Good dads don't treat the mothers of their children like shit.

Stop listening to this twat and seek advice from Women's Aid and a good solicitor. And move out asap.

Go and see a solicitor and get proper advice. I don’t see you losing custody but as I say go and see a solicitor

Stop engaging with him and consult a solicitor. He's talking absolute shite to frighten and threaten you. Have you opened a case with CMS yet? If not, do that. A judge won't care that you're living with your parents or don't drive.

I assume he doesn't want to split and regularly tells you that you don't know how good yo have had it etc?

As everyone has said, he's talking complete shit and he's just trying yet another tactic to control you. It's a very common tactic, completely transparent, and in 99% of cases total bollocks because these men do not want the baby. What they want, is for you to stay living under their thumb, doing all the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc. Possibly sex on tap. While they get to portray themselves as lovely family men, working hard to support their wife and children etc etc etc.

Moving in with your parents means you absolutely have a home for your child. As you are married, you are entitled to a big chunk of any equity in the house. At worst, he might get 50/50 but I feel pretty confident in saying that I suspect he will not want 50/50 and that any arrangements that are made, he probably won't do.

Incidentally, the "good father" point is clearly not true. He's abusing his child's mother. And, at 9 months, the bare minimum to be a good father, is to be doing nappy changes, feeding etc. Playing nicely with the baby now and again is NOT sufficient to be called "a good father".

I'm afraid he's done a total number on you.

The father of your child is talking bollocks OP.

Honestly, he's talking shite. Call women's aid and talk to the citizen's advice bureau.

You've got a great support network and a stable home to go to. You're the primary care giver. The courts won't want to change that with a baby.

On another note, keep all the messages your husband sends. Forward all WhatsApp to another person in case he deletes what he says to you. You might want these to refer to in court, as he is so clearly abusive. Leave now with your son, and only speak via written communication.

I'm also intrigued as to why you think you wouldn't get something from him in the divorce settlement - typically 50% of assets. This is likely why he is trying to prevent you leaving.

You are a mother now. Surely you can now see that nothing in the world will be stressing your parents more than knowing their precious child is currently legally shackled to an abusive arsehole?
Please try to reframe this. You are being far too harsh on yourself. You sound like a wonderful, loving mum with lots of support and you really are all your baby needs.
In your shoes I'd move back to my parents to heal and look at what help I'm entitled to. It may be more than you think. You are entitled to assets from the marriage, plus child support, your wages, very likely some UC... You will be fine, just go easy on yourself.

Don't believe a word this man says and get your own legal advice. He's talking nonsense in suggesting that he would get custody just because he's the higher earner. How does he propose to look after your son while he's at work? Has he ever got up to your son at night? How much housework does he do? Does he even have any idea of, for instance, which vaccinations your son has had?

You'll be in a much better position to cover child care with three adults in your household. You have rights in terms of the value of the matrimonial home and maintenance for yourself and your son. Stop worrying and get yourself properly informed.

He may have a decent job and a mortgage but he’s a nasty bastard. This is just more abuse and he’s talking out of his arse. Children are not taken away from their mothers under the circumstances you describe.

You say he’s a good father, he isn’t. Good fathers respect the role that a good mother has in their child’s life.

Leave and divorce him. You’ll get lots of support if you post on the relationship board and it’s good that you seem to have supportive parents. Good luck. 💐

Agree he's talking rubbish. If it goes to court, they aim to protect the status quo unless it's harmful, so the main caregiver continues to be the main caregiver, and their preference will be for the child to have contact with both parents. Financial issues will not be seen as bad parenting.

This is absolutely true. "Custody" is an American concept which has made its way here via films/TV.

OP, you refer to your "husband". This means that "his" mortgage is for a house which is shared matrimonial property. People so often fail to realise that marriage is nothing other than a legal combining of income and assets, designed to protect a lower-earning spouse whose earning potential is restricted by the fact that she - because it's still generally a woman - is looking after young children.

The law is concerned with the children's best interests. No court would regard it as being in the child's best interests for him/her to suddenly switch from having their mother as the main care-giver to having the father, who has barely been involved on a practical level. Your child's needs come ahead of any rubbish that your husband is spouting.

Your 9 month old is dependent on you for his emotional and physical care. Nobody is going to take him away from you.

But please get proper legal advice to make sure that you end up with a proper financial settlement. Don't agree to anything without having consulted a lawyer.

Echoing other PP's he is talking out of his backside. When I separated from my dd's Dad we moved in with my mum while the financial side of things were getting sorted. My X said the same things but the HV reassured me that it doesnt matter who owns the home, if is a stable, happy, loving household that only benefits the child. Its also extra support for you, you may not feel that you need it, I was determined I could do it myself but looking back that extra support from my mum, less things on my plate, less stress for me, more happy time with DD.

The house and money in accounts and savings are all joint, they are not exclusively his like he will want you the believe. You will have to take legal advice on the division of assets, its expensive but its even more expensive not to.

He is a nasty bully. Get yourself a solicitor and talk to your parents about what he is telling you.

Your husband is talking rubbish. Also you say he has a mortgage so I assume he owns the house which you’ll likely be entitled to part of given you are married. The family house will be seen as a marital asset.

It's bollocks and you very likely have rights to the property too, even if it is only in his name.

He’s full of shit. 50/50 access is the worst case scenario. Please don’t worry.

As an aside, if possible, perhaps consider more hours at work or more hours elsewhere. It’ll really help your stability and peace of mind providing on your own.

💐

Your husband is talking nonsense. Nothing you have mentioned amounts to a good reason for depriving you of your child. If he had the faintest idea what he is talking about, he would know that the term 'custody' is no longer used in the Family Court.

I completely agree with everyone else. You won’t lose ‘custody’ (actually residence) of your baby.

However, since he’s already shown himself to be a nasty, dishonest piece of work, I think this is definitely a ‘ducks in a row’ situation. Get legal advice before leaving.

At the moment you both have the right to care for the child. You say your MIL offers care. Without a court order, he could collect the child from his Mum and flatly refuse to give him back. I have no doubt the court would promptly order your ex to hand him over once you get a court hearing but if you get a solicitor before he knows you are leaving, he/she can advise you on what to do if you think there is any risk of him denying you access to your son.

He can be stopped from doing this but you need to be aware:

1. It’s legally possible until a court order is in place.
2. What steps you need to take to prevent it

If that means he and his family don’t see your son until the court order is in place, he’s brought that on himself with his threats. However only do this if advised by your solicitor as there is a risk it could go against you in court.

Also, go for everything you are entitled to financially - you need it to support your son. Don’t let him use the ‘I paid for it, it’s mine’ argument - that’s not how divorces work.