Losing custody

[Downandworried]

Shamelessly posting on here as I know it gets a lot of traffic.

I have started to write this out multiple times but end up waffling on and getting too emotional so I am going to try again without doing that.

Looking for advice on custody in a divorce. 9 month old son, husband is a good father but emotionally abusive. He has told me that if we were to separate he would be awarded custody of my son as I can’t provide a home for him.

I work part time 30 hours over 3 days and my job is not well paid. I wouldn’t be able to afford to rent a place and would be moving back to parent’s large home. They would be more than happy to have us and it would be a nice environment for me and son with plenty of space but would the courts see this as an issue?

Husband has a mortgage and a fairly well paid job. My plan would be to save as much as I can and look to get our own place once I was back full time and son entitled to 30 hours free childcare.

I also have a thousand pounds on a catalogue type account I am currently chipping away at. Never missed a minimum payment and pay more as and when I can afford it. Husband says this combined with the fact I don’t drive and would be living with family will mean the courts award him custody.

I realise I am useless, I am a bad mother in the fact that I cannot financially provide for my son properly but I know he has all the love and care he needs from me. He is my absolute world and being a mother is the one thing I can say with confidence that am good at. I know I have let him down by not making better decisions in life though and feel ashamed and guilty about this.

I would be happy to share custody. Both of our parents currently look after our son one day a week each to allow me to work. Would courts give my husband sole custody based on all of this? I do most of the physical care for our son, husband has only ever changed a handful of nappies and given a few bottles.

I am so very down about this all, I wish I hadn’t let my son down. The last couple of years have been the hardest of my life. I lost my first baby at 5 months. My grandmother who I was close to died suddenly and my grandfather has dementia and has deteriorated rapidly. My mum is just the most lovely person and I worry about her a lot, it really upsets me that I am going to be adding to her stresses with this.

Basically what I am asking is will I lose my baby? I work part time, don’t drive and would be living with my parents (I appreciate what a loser I sound) and he has a decent job and a mortgage. Sorry, I waffled again.

He's talking shit and you are not a bad mother in any way, shape or form. The new living situation sounds lovely for you and your son - you will have support from your parents, your son will be loved, warm, fed and looked after, you will be working but also spend quality time with your son. There is zero reason that any court would remove custody.

Woah there, you are not a bad mum at all, you have a loving home to take your son to and you will provide everything he needs. Your Husband is being an absolute twat and is desperate to keep the house and money.
As for your debt just keep paying as much as you can.
Please see a solicitor very soon. Make sure you have copies of his bank, credit cards, pension and mortgage statements. .
Good luck and enjoy your new life free of that controlling abusive lump.

I agree with everything PP are saying. He is talking shite and is simply trying to stop you from leaving.

How much childcare does he currently do? Can you realistically see him being happy to do everything if he got custody?? I bet you can't.

You leave, go to your parents and take your DC with you. Let him take you to family court for access - I bet he doesn't.

Your family sound wonderful and it sounds like a much nicer, stable environment to bring your child up in. Your DC will have wonderful memories of being able to spend so much time with their Grandparents.

You're not a bad mum. He is, however, a bad dad!

I see this a lot here, what do you mean by this?

He sounds like a terrible father. He also sounds abusive. You should go to your mums for support. As you are married you will be entitled to a percentage of the house, pension and any other assets. Doesn’t matter if not currently in your name. He will need to pay child maintenance also. Don’t let him erode your self confidence. You sound like a great mum.

He. Is. Not. A. Good. Father.

Or he would not threaten the mum of his baby like this. Get your head around this as a starting point.

A good father supports the mother of his children. Don't read that as "financially supports". Supports. Not undermines, threatens, stresses out, abuses. No.

Good luck. You have a good plan. Don't listen to him and get solid advice from.a professional. X

He's talking absolute BOLLOCKS OP.

He's just coercively controlling you. Tell your parents exactly what's going on, get their help to move back to them with your child and go and see a divorce lawyer pronto.

Write down everything he's done to belittle and control you. Every painful remark and actions.

Be strong. Your child needs you to be a lioness.

Legally in the UK, it’s called residence and access not custody and visitation.

In practice, a parent with residence has what people mean when they say ‘custody’ (joint residence is joint custody).

It can be a sign that the person hasn’t taken legal advice. However, it can also mean absolutely nothing - lots of people still say custody (which it used to be called) and solicitors mention ‘custody’ sometimes to make sure their client knows what they are talking about.

Basically, it’s not the ‘gotcha’ people think it is.

So its like "gender" when people mean "sex" ? Most people mean sex, when they say gender, and if you're not on mn a lot of people dont think its as important

Loads of people say custody, and we all know what it means, so to say its not is just being a bit arsey?

Let me guess, you are tight on funds because you are living in your part-time wages despite the fact that the only reason your income is reduced is because of your shared child?

your husband is playing this out like a textbook. He is trying to make you afraid to leave. He will get some parenting time if he asks for it. If he is emotionally abusive that is less than ideal. However, I would still argue it is better for a child to have a place where they know that they are safe and comfortable. That will help to offset the time spent in a less than ideal environment.

It’s possible he might get 50:50 custody but what he’s saying about you don’t having a house etc doesn’t work that way. Plus you would be living with your parents etc so that moot point is even more moot. Wishing you tons of luck OP! Please LTB

He is trying to control you. He is talking rubbish and social workers see his kind from time to time, they are not fooled by his manipulation. Get advice and not from him.

F

And he is not a good father. Good father‘s do not abuse the mother of their child.

It’s highly unlikely that if you can evidence emotional abuse he will be prioritised for custody over you. A child’s emotional safety is more important than being wealthy as long as basic needs are met (shelter, food etc) and the child isn’t as risk of neglect.

You said early in your post that your husband is emotionally abusive. This is precisely what he's doing now. He's trying to make you doubt yourself - and appears to be doing a good job of it. You won't lose your baby.

You haven’t let your son down. You held it all together despite some bad circumstances.
You are doing great. Get some good legal advice and don’t let that bastards threats scare you!

My partner was an amazing dad and she the Abusive parent and she still got custody

Took many years to prove otherwise

Courts side with mums in family custody battles

You are not useless and you aren’t a bad mum. Wishing you and your son all the best for a future away from this man who has treated you terribly.

Your husband is an absolute abusive manipulative pos.

OP this is exactly what you said, Emotional Abuse. Move out and go to your parents, block him and only communicate via email.

He is trying to scare you. Call his bluff and go. Put a claim in to Child Maintenance services.

Tell your parents just how abusive he is. Seriously OP please do not listen to him. He is awful.

Stop listening to anything he says, let it go in one ear and out the other without registering.
See a solicitor.
You are entitled to at least half of everything as you are married, including the house, any saving etc.
He is trying to scare you. IGNORE HIM.

You are NOT a bad mum!
Not for any of those reasons you gave or anything else he says! He's lying to you because he's abusive and wants you to feel this way.

I just reset my password so I could respond from work immediately 😃 you are not a bad mother or a loser! Pls don’t say that. You’re caring. You’re employed. You have a great relationship with your own mum. These are all so important and not a given! I don’t know anything about custody but you have some good advice here. Living with your mum sounds lovely - everyone will benefit and you can save.

What do you mean by a catalogue savings account? Is this definitely the best option?

HUGS

Mumsnet is an incredible wealth information. From experts of industry, to first hand accounts of a wide range of circumstances, posters selflessly share their knowledge and experiences.
So I’m baffled at posts like this which are so far from reality. OP, your DH must be a piece of work to have consumed your senses so that you’ve not been able to form any independent view of the future. Remove his threats from your thoughts, read the legal boards and get a grip.

no and if you are married he won't necessarily get the house just because he's on the mortgage