My daughters don't want me

[Greedybilly]

I've been so sad for a few weeks now Partly because I feel so unwanted bu my kids - both teens - both have jobs and friends which is great obvs but no time for me! I just occasionally want to have a cuppa/watch tv - god forbid a day out or go shopping or to the pics. They just don't ever take me up on my suggestions and it hurts. I'm genuinely pleased that they have lives etc I just feel sad that I'm not on their radars. Any words of wisdom?

Really hammered it home this weekend as all my close friends seemed to be doing stuff with daughters and just made me feel so alone. We do have a pretty good relationship and I don't want them to pity me but just sad that I'm not worth hanging out with ever.

Couldn't read and run - no advice but my heart goes out to you. What ages are they? Could you make part of their Christmas present a nail salon trip or similar?

Thanks @sleepymama3 .They are 15 and 17. They both really hate girly/beauty stuff but when I've suggested lunch/cinema/trip to IKEA/anything they're just not interested;(

Sounds like you've raised happy sociable teens with seems amazing on its own!

Do you have any close friends to do those sorts of things with? As a teenager I wouldn't be thrilled about a cup of tea with my mum vs hanging out with friends (different now I'm 30!). Can you do things with a partner? Don't place all of your feelings onto your teenagers they're only young and still figuring things out!

@justalittlesnoel Yes I know and it's so great that they're busy and content. Yes I have good mates but ,like I said they're all doing fun stuff with daughters this weekend. I'm genuinely pleased that they're both ok but just wish very occasionally they would have a cuppa with me .

The best advice I ever had from MN: when you have teens, get a dog, so someone is always pleased to see you.

Teens have a strong urge to get out, away and live their own lives. Make it clear they're welcome on those trips and that you're there, shoikd you need them. Allegedly they will come back one day.

As a parent of 20 and 30 somethings I’d say you need to back off for now. Once they’re confident in their world they’ll come back. And they’ll be amazed how wise and interesting you’ve become in the meantime 😉

@Greedybilly aw it must be hard seeing them doing it if that's what you want to do!

I can say from my experience of being like that as a teen, it was totally different from about 22 when I came back from uni. We now do coffee catch ups often or days out shopping. I wouldn't have dreamed of doing that aged 15 though! Hopefully yours will be the same 😊

I found that my daughters were more keen to go out with me when they were quite a bit older.
Certainly not as teens. But we have a good relationship after they both passed the age of twenty.

@Conkersinautumn yes I've seen that but I'm no fan of dogs! I do have a job/hobbies etc I just feel so 'unneeded ' . I have mates with the opposite problem but it doesn't stop it hurting.

@EveryKneeShallBow yes I hear you! To be honest I have taken a massive step back in many ways but I can't help feeling sad about lack of time together and dissapointed in family life.

Have you tried asking "I'd really like to spend some time with you, let me know when you're free and what you'd like to do? Or I can send some ideas over, let me know."

I think its pretty normal for teens to not want to spend time with their parents. They usually reappear mid-twenties/after Uni etc as they mature

I’d say you’ve done an amazing job of raising them to be independent young women and should try to enjoy some time that is just about you. They will come back, this is a temporary adjustment!

@TheShellBeach and @justalittlesnoel thanks for your replies. Maybe I need to hang on in there for a few more years.

Absolutely this. DD in her 20s is just starting to come back. Right now, you are not cool to them. Don't take it personally, Around this time, I started exploring my own hobbies, making new friends, and travelling.

@meeplesmarples yes I've said that many times

It is hard, and can be very hurtful when they do spend time, but it’s clearly “duty” rather than because they want to. Unfortunately, they have to go through this stage to “launch” as independent people in their own right. A pp’s suggestion of a joint activity as a Christmas gift is possibly a good one. Good luck. Stay strong.

@WellThatChangesThings yes I think I need to hear that phrase 'temporary adjustment '. Thanks for your replies means a lot I've felt very sad about this all weekend.x

Just be there and be supportive throughout this time and they will come back to you. Right now, hanging out with mum is just not cool. Their friends will always win. If you understand that and realise it is totally normal you can keep your sanity! Honestly, I've been through this and they will come back!

@EveryKneeShallBow that's it- I don't want them coming out because it's duty or they're sorry for me. Yes hopefully they'll come back when fully launched- they're both startlingly independent (apart from wet towels on floor etc).

Oh, I sounded blasé in my post, but it is hard. And normal to feel sad.

I spent very little time with either of my parents as a teen. Only contact was meal times and lifts! As an adult, I choose to spend time with my Mum now and we speak every day.

Honestly this was me to my mum at a similar age. Then I hit 23 and wanted my mum all the time 😂 I’m now 29 and live 200 miles away and have children and ring her/FaceTime her multiple times a day. I think I annoy her more than she annoys me now 😂

Been through this, but have to admit as a teen twenties, did nothing with my mum. In my case it took the go being born to get close again and the joint motherhood experience was key
In my unwanted phase, I kept super busy, travel, new hobbies and friends. Big mistake to let them know you are needy and they cannot be your reason for living at this stage. The wheel will turn for you and you will probably end up being very much in demand. Volunteering could be an outlet. You have much to give