My daughters don't want me

[Greedybilly]

I've been so sad for a few weeks now Partly because I feel so unwanted bu my kids - both teens - both have jobs and friends which is great obvs but no time for me! I just occasionally want to have a cuppa/watch tv - god forbid a day out or go shopping or to the pics. They just don't ever take me up on my suggestions and it hurts. I'm genuinely pleased that they have lives etc I just feel sad that I'm not on their radars. Any words of wisdom?

Mine are late teens to late 20’s and I feel your pain. I miss their company.

Have you told them? I really talk about my feelings with my kids and how complex feelings are. We've had a turbulent life together as their dad was very abusive until he lost parental responsibility.

If I said I'd like a day out together they'd know it was important to me and make it happen. They're better apart so more likely to be 1:1 with each of them.

A different take on it is.

If you know your mum wants to spend time with you, then why.not spend some time with her.

She is your mum, friends comes and go.
Perhaps people should think of others for a minute and what they might like.

Don't take this personally. It is just the natural order of things. It is more important to be there for them when they need you.

Watching with interest as my DD (nearly 13) has gone more or less overnight from being a lovely snuggly child who wanted to share a bed with me until quite recently to being detached and quite aloof and all about her friends.

I know it's natural because I was worse and I'm adjusting to it but it does hurt.

Make your own plans for the weekends so you are not pining for their company. In the past three days my 23 year old has complained I see my friends too often (I don't but went out to lunch with some on Friday when she wasn't working) and yesterday asked me to walk part way to work with her. On the way she told me about some career opportunities she had in mind - had not mentioned them before.

Why can’t you have dinner together as a family? The rule if my mum cooked was we ate all together at the table. That’s just manners.

Try and entice them with things they would enjoy but would seem too uncool or expensive to do with friends - roast dinner at a local pub? something christmassy like ice skating?

I think the teenage years are tough. I read on here on another thready this advice: they go away so that they can come back, nicer and more talkative! It's all a front, they still need their mum and when they're young women away at jobs or university they'll bite your hand off for time doing an activity together.

Age and stage ..sorry op. Best suggestion is to get a dog.

My 23yo is much more of a friend/companion now than her 17 and 14yo sisters. They do start wanting mums company again after the teen stage.

I think have a chat with them. Family is important. My youngest son and I have always got out together for walks/ coffee/ cinema all through teens. We both like it though he is v easy going. So I understand your pain. I miss my other two if they don't seem to think much about he/ be thoughtful

I imagine they wouldn't want you to feel that way at all OP, I expect they are just living their lives, though no doubt that makes it no less painful.

Not the same but I have no Mum in my life, never have really since I was a child, am mid thirties now and that feeling of need and want to just be out at the weekend for coffee and cake, a bit of shopping, sunday lunch, pointless phone calls or any other incredibly banal thing with my mum/ a mother figure is really pervasive for me. When you're out and about or talk to friends it does often feel like everyone else is doing those things and you're the odd one out but I really don't think it's the case in reality and it's important to be mindful of that or it all gets a bit crushing.

I definitely cannot remember as a teen spending any time with my mum. My children were all too cool between about 14-18/19 to be seen with me 😅Now in their 20s they now don’t care and are very happy to meet Mum and have a free lunch etc . They really ar great now. Give it time OP X

My DD was just like this at that age. Now she is in her late 20s with 2 kids,I can’t get her off my doorstep! Constantly popping round and wanting to do things together. Give it time.

Teen DD is reaching that age too, I'm a single parent and she's my only child. When I'm missing her I go and visit my own mum and take her out instead, obviously not everyone gets on with their parents or perhaps have sadly lost them but if they are still around (or a grandparent/Aunt) make an effort to go visit with them because (hopefully) they feel the same way about you as you do about DD.

You sound like my daughter 😂. Walking with her kids in the park -FaceTime mum so I can see them having fun, playing in the garden, face time mum so she can see them sliding down the chute, in the bath, face time mum so she can see them playing with bubbles. I bet you don’t annoy your mum, she probably loves these calls and face times just like I do. 🥰

@Conkersinautumn @Greedybilly my guinea pigs are always pleased to see me. I recommend guinea pigs. Or pet rats, they are also very intelligent and affectionate.

It’s exactly how it’s meant to be! My teens prefer to spend time with me if it’s also with their friends and my friends - ie we go away for a weekend as two mums and two sons / two daughters - obviously am lucky to have mum friends to do this with.

Honestly you should be glad. Mine are the same age and we do the odd thing but they are very friend focussed which is natural and am fine with. Far preferable to friends with lonely teens who hang about with parents too much.

Bless you darling. I feel your pain @Greedybilly Teen daughters are really rude and inconsiderate towards their loving and caring mums ... Mine were the same and so was I with my mum. It passes. Just give it 5 years. You'll all be BFFs then, going on trips together, doing lunch, and going to the cinema and theatre together! It is hard going and hurtful when you are going through it, but just stay with it. Find some hobbies and things to do yourself, and they will come back to you. 💓

This age can be really hard, teenagers' social lives are so intense and absorbing that they do just lose interest in their parents as company; they're secure at home, they know you're there when they need you but you don't make it into the top 10 interesting things in their day. My youngest (a boy, but we had a very close and affectionate relationship when he was young) became very grunty and uncommunicative with me when he got to about 14, he stopped making time to chat with me. He didn't want to come on our usual Christmas meal out in town in case one of his mates saw us! He made me change my clothes for parents evening because he said I looked like an embarrassing hippie 😳. I felt really crestfallen and rejected for a while.

He still came to me occasionally when he was really worried and struggling, but his mates were everything. He's now 19 and will sit and do a jigsaw puzzle with me if he's having a night in. He potters around in his dressing gown chatting and sometimes brings me lunch from his work or a nice bottle of fruit juice. He's asked whether we're doing the meal out this year! He still spends 80% of his non-working time with his "boys", but I see more and more flashes of the lovely man he will be, and I feel more confident that there will be a place for me in his life.

Sorry for the ramble. I just mean that I know teenagers can make you feel redundant and unwanted, but they do come through it...you'll still be there loving them when they're ready for an adult friendship, and you'll be glad you gave them the secure foundation and the confidence to grow their independence.

All teens aren't like this though. I think talk of detachment to "launch" themselves is just down to personality. As a teen i enjoyed doing stuff with my parents, we were very close, I wasn't rebellious i but still managed to go to uni, go clubbing and marry my dh at 25! Our son is 18, plays in a band he formed, has loads of mates and goes to a prestigious music college. He still enjoys cinema with me or a gig with dad. Happy to go out to eat with us. Ds is very mature and has mapped his own life out. He has done this whilst still maintaining a good relationship with us. I think it's down to maturity /immaturity, relationships within the family unit and individual personality. Obviously it's not all teens as Op's friends are spending time with their daughters. I feel sorry for you, Op.

I spent loads of time (most of my free time really) with my parents when I was a teen and I was always nice to them and never did anything that would offend.

It was because they burdened me - I felt responsible for their emotions and wellbeing. I felt like (and was) my mum's only friend and confidante. She didn't know anything real about me and thought I was perfect and always happy.

Actually, this dynamic really set me back as a young adult, I struggled with some mental health problems and felt unable to confide in anyone, always presenting a cheerful self, not really having any deep friendships etc. I have since had to go through a bit of an identity crisis triggered partly by having my own children - and have come to reflect a lot on how I was parented. I still love my parents, the relationship is better now and they are good grandparents - but I still feel like we'll never be authentically close because they don't see the real me and on a level, particularly with my mum, her emotions just come first.

Obviously this is just my experience/ perspective and might not generalise.

However, overall I think that your teenage daughters (safely) pulling away from you and being to an extent, inconsiderate of you, is developmentally normal and shows that you have done a good job raising them to be healthy, independent adults. Whilst this time must be difficult and sad for you, I hope that you can take comfort in that. As others have said I think that in time they will come back to being close with you again, and you will then reap the benefits of a truly authentic and respectful relationship. I second others' advice to think about what you can achieve or explore with your new found freedom!

Try not to take it personally.

Teens have to separate from the tribe / their parents in order to emerge as adults - that’s why their sleeping goes out of sync so they are in an adult free world - it’s a natural process.

They’ll come back to you in their early 20s or even before.

Get on with building up your life in the next stage, because while they will be interested in you again, it will be a different and less central relationship.

Thanks guys.xx appreciate your advice x