My daughters don't want me

[Greedybilly]

I've been so sad for a few weeks now Partly because I feel so unwanted bu my kids - both teens - both have jobs and friends which is great obvs but no time for me! I just occasionally want to have a cuppa/watch tv - god forbid a day out or go shopping or to the pics. They just don't ever take me up on my suggestions and it hurts. I'm genuinely pleased that they have lives etc I just feel sad that I'm not on their radars. Any words of wisdom?

Teenagers need to separate themselves from their parents, it's part of the growing up process.

Ah that's lovely 🥰

In all kindness, pull yourself together and hang on in there, OP. This is standard operating procedure for teenage girls. They'll change in their 20s, when they calm down and grow up a bit.

i think there is going to be an element of -its part of the process.In a positive light,youve got 2 active,socially equipped ,independent daughters-already n that not to be knocked.
Family dynamics can be a tough,crazy ride so in loads of ways you are blessed.
Great, but it doesnt take the sting out it i know.
For me, my "obvious" and their perspective doesnt always align. Im really black n white tho-and mine are boys.For us,me stating "stop rushing me through every step of childhood- n missing me out all the time" eyerolls and "neeeeedy"usual response. Then a lunch/diner/communal movie night...catch up.
...if you dont point it out they might not realise?

Hated(strong word I know) my mum in my teen years .

I’m in my 30s now and couldn’t live life without her.

Just hang in OP, they will be back soon. Wait until the first boyfriend(or girlfriend) breakup. They will be all about you.

You’ve done great!

They’ll come back round, at that age I didn’t really want to be around my parents but then once I was at uni I started wanting to spend time with them again. I think it’s just their ages.

Thanks all. I'm not a 'needy' person really just want the odd film/dinner round the table. I appreciate the comments- given me a bit of perspective. I know I'm lucky in many ways just feeling a bit sorry for myself.

Congratulations you've raised two independent females OP.
This is their time to spread their wings and they will return to you.

This will change OP as they get older. I recall the same with my teen daughter. She’s now in her 20s and we spend time together going for a meal, retail therapy, show etc. ButI think there were a few years in her late teens that I barely saw her. Just be grateful she has friends and a healthy social life. Some don’t.

They’re your kids, not your friends.

This is the time of your life when you can finally have more time for yourself.

Perhaps take up a new hobby and you’ll be able to make friends that way.
Or if you want to do something, do it on your own.

@Livelovebehappy I know - like I said I have mates with the opposite problem.I am so happy for them just not expecting this to be so extreme I guess.

You're probably too available OP. Neediness is a turn off - even with your own kids.

Get busy - just try it. Next weekend - have plans, be busy, even if it's just busy on your own - get your nails/hair done, go shopping, be off to IKEA for yourself, be watching a film you want to watch.

Don't do it with an attitude, do it with a smile. But be busy all week long. Bet you within 2 weeks - they'll be in your face and all clingy ;-)

They're in a kind of evolutionary stage where they're preparing to break away from the tribe and be their own people. It's biological, hormonal, not personal. Once they've figured out their place as an adult they'll want to spend time with you again - not out of duty but out of love.

Like others have said, I couldn't wait to get away from my mum as a teen. Once I'd grown up I became close to her. Hormones are powerful things.

As per every other poster, IME it’s definitely a timing thing. Raising teens is so difficult, but if you’ve done a good job (which it sounds like you have), these years are the ones where they really start to arc further and further away from you and create their own lives and identities.

They can also be unbelievably oblivious to the feelings of the adults around them (whilst being hyper aware of their own and their friends’ various dramas!). But none of it’s personal; their hormones are all over the place, their brains aren’t fully developed and they can’t help but be entirely self-absorbed.

It does hurt at the time, but if you have a good relationship they’ll eventually loop around and start to come back again. Wait it out, OP, and try not to upset yourself by reading too much into it 💐

The title 'my daughters don't want me' makes me think that you feel unwanted and that because they don't need 'mothering' you are not sure what you are 'for'.

The roles change. It's tough to realize that a mother's role is to step back now and let them grow their separateness from you.

I guarantee if you had an exciting hobby or some project of your own, you'd be jumping out of bed on a Saturday leaving a note on the fridge saying order a pizza if I'm not home by 6.

Sometimes situations like this teach us that because we have put our own needs aside for so long, we don't remember who we are anymore if we are not X's mother.

If I were you, I'd take the focus of your thoughts off the boo hoo nobody loves me, and more on what practical things I do to rediscover myself and find myself again.

Let them go OP, that way they'll come back.

Take up something - learn a language? Join a yoga class?

A while ago someone said the same.
One poster had hilarious ways of gearing them up to go out. Including whisking into their room with a sense of urgency : i need you to pop out with me xyz excuse and then go somewhere and take the long way back or stop for tea :don't ask.

Things like that.

Don't worry. Like other pps have said, they will come back after this phase. Just keep being you and by their 20s you'll have that closeness back. I remember when adult dd was that age, I felt like our hamster spent more time with me than dd did. Now we go to pictures, plan days out, go to the cinema etc. I'm now the first person she sends that funny tick tock too. She's married with one dc now and I realise those years were important for her to find her footing in life.

I agree with “get busy”.

I think you’re doing the right thing letting them go - I remember a friend whose parents enforced “family time” at weekends when she wanted to be meeting up with friends. Not the way to a good relationship (she later emigrated…)

Also - just imagine if you had a teen who had no friends or social life or job and was just moping around the house - you’d see plenty of them and be needed but you’d be worried about them. Much better this way round!

get yourself a hobby, I’ve joined a walking group which someone set up on FB local town group (ladies only) and it’s been great for making new friends and we meet up 3 times a week including pub lunch or coffee and cake on Saturdays walks

This is as good as it gets, OP, you have raised two youngsters who are so contented in their lives that they don't need you. They also need to know that can get on with your own life and be there for them when life gets complicated

I had zero interest in hanging out with my mom at those ages. But we are really close and I love hanging out with her now Im a fully grown adult!

I just occasionally want to have a cuppa/watch tv - god forbid a day out or go shopping or to the pics.

Did you do/want to do this with your Mum when you were a teen?

My DSs are 16 and 14 and I've made it clear to both of them that there always needs to be some family time prioritised at some point in the diary. Not always weekly but at least once a month. We'll go to the shops together or to lunch, a movie, museum, mini golf, bowling etc.

They often help me decide what it is we're going to do but sometimes I just tell them "we're doing X at some point over the next couple of weeks. Help me choose WHEN" (not if).

I have a 15 yr DS so a bit different but my approach is 'I'd like to go to x or do x, let me know when you're free?' I've never been a girly girl, so things I suggest are things I know he might like. I also agree to ferry him and his mates to things and often join in. I asked if he minds and he says, absolutely not, so and so's parents join in etc. Maybe boys are more laid back about the 'not cool to hang out with parents' thing.
Myself as a teen didn't do anything with my parents as I couldn't 'relate' to them. I hugely appreciated them when I got into my 20's though and had many mother/daughter days out. OP, be proud you've got sociable daughters, keep up with the offers to spend time with them and I'm sure they'll come back to you. Sorry you're hurting right now.