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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have sent this text?

108 replies

schitts · 25/11/2023 10:16

I've been on a few dates with a lovely guy, however, I have cancelled the past two just due to genuinely being busy. We were meant to go a walk tomorrow afternoon but I just have been feeling a bit sick about it recently as I feel like dating is a distraction and it's taking mental and physical energy away from other things I need to concentrate on. He text this morning asking how I was and so I replied this,

'Hey, Hope you’re good! I have been thinking and I’ve enjoyed chatting with you and getting to know you a bit but I’m just so busy the now I just think there’s no point meeting up. It’s not going to go anywhere, there’s so much time passed between our last date (my fault) and I just think it’s going to be like that due to how busy I am and probably won’t progress so don’t want to waste your time. I have one day off a week the next couple of months and I really just feel like I need to be spending that with my kids and concentrating on them. Things will settle down for me around march once I qualify so who knows then. But at the moment I just feel like I’m getting pulled in different directions and I need to just concentrate on the kids and my placement and work before anything else. I’ll miss chatting with you though, have enjoyed it, you’re great and funny 😆 sorry just want to be upfront and stop wasting your time as I’ve cancelled past few meet ups. X'

I thought it was decent enough as we have been in touch for 7 weeks now so didn't want to just disappear. He text me back saying,

'No worries, take care x'

But my friend has now said she is cringing for me that I wrote a big text like that to someone I 'barely know' and she reckons he will be showing his pals and laughing.

Maybe I should have just written something shorter and more to the point?

Is this embarassing?

OP posts:

category12 · 25/11/2023 14:44

schitts · 25/11/2023 12:34

He is nice. I don't know. I'm feeling really guilty

Show quote history

Don't feel guilty and for gods sake don't back-pedal on it.

Cashncarry68 · 25/11/2023 14:46

There's nothing wrong with it. He will probably be so shocked to get such a polite and reasonable text in the dating world!

luckbealadytonight · 25/11/2023 14:57

I think it's nice and respectful and so was his reply. X

Amy8 · 25/11/2023 15:38

@schitts he was nice and you fancy him
So u being busy was why you messaged that ?

Original poster

schitts · 25/11/2023 15:45

Amy8 · 25/11/2023 15:38

@schitts he was nice and you fancy him
So u being busy was why you messaged that ?

Yes?

OP posts:

Dotjones · 25/11/2023 16:00

You thought the message was OK, from his response so does he. That's all that matters. Your friend's view is weird. Presumably you didn't think he was a total dickhead else you wouldn't have got involved at all. If he's not a dickhead he won't show the message to his friends, and even if he did, it really doesn't matter.

Original poster

schitts · 25/11/2023 17:06

I'm completely backtracked. He is willing to see me again but said he will no longer tolerate the back and forth and not meeting.

OP posts:

Original poster

schitts · 25/11/2023 17:08

I like started to panic massively

OP posts:

AutumnCrow · 25/11/2023 17:17

Aspergallus · 25/11/2023 12:56

It's kind of long, and over explaining almost always sounds like lying or self-importance.

"I'm good thanks, hope you are well. Sorry that I've had to cancel our last couple of dates. I'm realising I just can't make time for dating just now between completing my qualification and the kids. It's been really nice to meet you, but at this point I thought I better let you know where things stand for me at the moment. Take care."

Your longer message sounds a bit chaotic, emotionally strung out and with a lot of mixed messages. I don't think he'd be cringing, just more thinking it's all a bit much and kind of mind twisting.

'Hey, Hope you’re good! I have been thinking and I’ve enjoyed chatting with you and getting to know you a bit (you like him?) but I’m just so busy the now I just think there’s no point meeting up (no point? sounds kind of dramatic and defeatist). It’s not going to go anywhere, there’s so much time passed between our last date (my fault) and I just think it’s going to be like that due to how busy I am and probably won’t progress (are you being defeatist again or are you actually saying you don't see a future with him at all?) so don’t want to waste your time (are you being passive here, putting it in his court to choose to waste his time?). I have one day off a week the next couple of months (sounds kind of self important, I mean lots of us only have one day off a week in the long term, or none when you end up filling days off driving kids around, housework etc) and I really just feel like I need to be spending that with my kids and concentrating on them. Things will settle down for me around march once I qualify so who knows then (after all that you're hedging your bets -he might be good enough to fit your priorities in March?). But at the moment I just feel like I’m getting pulled in different directions (sounds kind of chaotic and passive) and I need to just concentrate on the kids and my placement and work before anything else. I’ll miss chatting with you though, have enjoyed it, you’re great and funny 😆 sorry just want to be upfront and stop wasting your time as I’ve cancelled past few meet ups (are you now flattering him, hoping that he'll call your bluff and say he doesn't feel his time has been wasted, and he'll wait?). X'

I don't know what I'd make of a message like that. I've got no emotional investment in it and, yet, I don't have a clue what you actually want. Too much, too confusing. People who don't really know what they want are best avoided. Maybe his mates will say some male version of "she's just not that into you" which is probably what it boils down to. In any case I think his response is absolutely appropriate rather than anything more drawn out.

I also kind of wonder if you're now second guessing yourself, not because of your friends comment but rather because of his brief response.

Perhaps you could ask yourself, what did you actually want him to say?

No one but you knows..

But if it was something like: "Sorry to hear that. I know you are really busy. Perhaps we could keep chatting by text and stay in touch, and see where things go. Take the pressure off now, and meet up in the future when things are a bit calmer in your life"

...then perhaps you could consider whether you could have communicated this more clearly. Lots of people on this thread say your message was mature, adult etc. I don't think so (sorry). Maturity is just expressing yourself with no games, no martyrdom, no emotional manipulation, passive aggressiveness etc etc . If you wanted a different answer, e.g. the answer above, you could have just asked, "I'm sorry I've cancelled the last couple of times. I'm a bit time poor at the moment with various demands. Could we keep in touch by text for a bit and see where things go, until I have a bit more time to focus on dating in the future?" A direct question asking for a direct answer, with no need for second guessing.

It's kind of long ...

To be fair, so's your post

Edit: ABJECT APOLOGIES for repeating what numerous previous posters said before me!

Aspergallus · 25/11/2023 17:25

@AutumnCrow

Do you think I should cancel the cheque?

But anyway -my post isn't a text message. And a big chunk is just a paste of the OPs message...

IWasFunBeforeMum · 25/11/2023 17:27

It's a bit "get me, I'm so busy". But nice and honest.

MuckyElbows · 25/11/2023 19:36

schitts · 25/11/2023 17:06

I'm completely backtracked. He is willing to see me again but said he will no longer tolerate the back and forth and not meeting.

I don’t blame him, he’s more tolerant than I would be

Aspergallus · 25/11/2023 20:14

schitts · 25/11/2023 17:06

I'm completely backtracked. He is willing to see me again but said he will no longer tolerate the back and forth and not meeting.

So did you get back in touch after the "No worries take care" message then @schitts ?

Aprilx · 25/11/2023 22:21

Cloudywithahintofsunshine · 25/11/2023 11:22

I didn’t read it like that at all. I think this might say more about you than the OP to be honest. It’s just honest and clear.

Show quote history

What a tedious response. 🙄 It really doesn’t say anything about me. It is nothing to do with me. I am capable of commenting on a situation without it having anything to do with me but by simply forming an opinion on what is written.

sweetpickle23 · 25/11/2023 22:37

Why did you respond to his message?

To answer your original question, your message wasn’t cringey but I personally think it’s a bit of a long winded way of saying thanks but no thanks.

Thedm · 25/11/2023 22:41

It’s too many words. In future, keep things shorter. You repeated points and tried to leave the door open for months away which isn’t necessary and also unfair if they are really into you. Keep is short, don’t give opportunity for something months later. And don’t repeat your points.

Thedm · 25/11/2023 22:44

Sorry; I didn’t read anything past your OP.

So, he sent a short, not really bothered reply and you’ve gone back and tried to start things over. So the long message was really you wanting to get some sort of response from him, for him to fight for you or ask to see you in March. You wanted drama, so you’ve made some. And now you’re going to carry on with this nonsense, hoping he will fight for you and tell you how amazing you are etc.

I can’t believe he is giving you any more time. What a drama queen.

junbean · 25/11/2023 22:50

That was so nice of you. If I was on the receiving end I would appreciate it. Now he won't be wondering if something was wrong with him or did something wrong. He fully knows he's likable but you were just too busy. Perfect. If we all communicated this well imagine how nice life would be.

GladioliandSweetPeas · 25/11/2023 22:50

Your friend sounds like a dick

Humbugg · 25/11/2023 23:07

I think it’s fine. A bit wordy with repeating similar notions but overall not a bad text to send. Your friend is being a bit ott

Cas112 · 25/11/2023 23:23

It is nice and polite but I do agree with friend, I don't think the depth was needed

MuckyElbows · 25/11/2023 23:33

Thedm · 25/11/2023 22:44

Sorry; I didn’t read anything past your OP.

I can’t believe he is giving you any more time. What a drama queen.

This 100%

MarmaladeMaggie · 26/11/2023 00:22

It’s not going to go anywhere

Bit harsh.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 26/11/2023 05:51

Scarletttulips · 25/11/2023 10:35

I found it cringy.

I won't lie, I did too. I felt like you over explained when you've only had a couple of dates!

You were lovely and polite though.

Sorry. No offence intended.

myotherkidisacassowary · 26/11/2023 06:41

You’ve done nothing wrong. Open communication is a great decency when dating. Your friend is being a bit of a dick.

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