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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have sent this text?

108 replies

schitts · 25/11/2023 10:16

I've been on a few dates with a lovely guy, however, I have cancelled the past two just due to genuinely being busy. We were meant to go a walk tomorrow afternoon but I just have been feeling a bit sick about it recently as I feel like dating is a distraction and it's taking mental and physical energy away from other things I need to concentrate on. He text this morning asking how I was and so I replied this,

'Hey, Hope you’re good! I have been thinking and I’ve enjoyed chatting with you and getting to know you a bit but I’m just so busy the now I just think there’s no point meeting up. It’s not going to go anywhere, there’s so much time passed between our last date (my fault) and I just think it’s going to be like that due to how busy I am and probably won’t progress so don’t want to waste your time. I have one day off a week the next couple of months and I really just feel like I need to be spending that with my kids and concentrating on them. Things will settle down for me around march once I qualify so who knows then. But at the moment I just feel like I’m getting pulled in different directions and I need to just concentrate on the kids and my placement and work before anything else. I’ll miss chatting with you though, have enjoyed it, you’re great and funny 😆 sorry just want to be upfront and stop wasting your time as I’ve cancelled past few meet ups. X'

I thought it was decent enough as we have been in touch for 7 weeks now so didn't want to just disappear. He text me back saying,

'No worries, take care x'

But my friend has now said she is cringing for me that I wrote a big text like that to someone I 'barely know' and she reckons he will be showing his pals and laughing.

Maybe I should have just written something shorter and more to the point?

Is this embarassing?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 25/11/2023 12:37

You're like me. My DH always says I send "essays" to people. I'm glad everyone's saying it's fine. I think it's perfectly nice and explains your feelings well.

Aspergallus · 25/11/2023 12:56

It's kind of long, and over explaining almost always sounds like lying or self-importance.

"I'm good thanks, hope you are well. Sorry that I've had to cancel our last couple of dates. I'm realising I just can't make time for dating just now between completing my qualification and the kids. It's been really nice to meet you, but at this point I thought I better let you know where things stand for me at the moment. Take care."

Your longer message sounds a bit chaotic, emotionally strung out and with a lot of mixed messages. I don't think he'd be cringing, just more thinking it's all a bit much and kind of mind twisting.

'Hey, Hope you’re good! I have been thinking and I’ve enjoyed chatting with you and getting to know you a bit (you like him?) but I’m just so busy the now I just think there’s no point meeting up (no point? sounds kind of dramatic and defeatist). It’s not going to go anywhere, there’s so much time passed between our last date (my fault) and I just think it’s going to be like that due to how busy I am and probably won’t progress (are you being defeatist again or are you actually saying you don't see a future with him at all?) so don’t want to waste your time (are you being passive here, putting it in his court to choose to waste his time?). I have one day off a week the next couple of months (sounds kind of self important, I mean lots of us only have one day off a week in the long term, or none when you end up filling days off driving kids around, housework etc) and I really just feel like I need to be spending that with my kids and concentrating on them. Things will settle down for me around march once I qualify so who knows then (after all that you're hedging your bets -he might be good enough to fit your priorities in March?). But at the moment I just feel like I’m getting pulled in different directions (sounds kind of chaotic and passive) and I need to just concentrate on the kids and my placement and work before anything else. I’ll miss chatting with you though, have enjoyed it, you’re great and funny 😆 sorry just want to be upfront and stop wasting your time as I’ve cancelled past few meet ups (are you now flattering him, hoping that he'll call your bluff and say he doesn't feel his time has been wasted, and he'll wait?). X'

I don't know what I'd make of a message like that. I've got no emotional investment in it and, yet, I don't have a clue what you actually want. Too much, too confusing. People who don't really know what they want are best avoided. Maybe his mates will say some male version of "she's just not that into you" which is probably what it boils down to. In any case I think his response is absolutely appropriate rather than anything more drawn out.

I also kind of wonder if you're now second guessing yourself, not because of your friends comment but rather because of his brief response.

Perhaps you could ask yourself, what did you actually want him to say?

No one but you knows..

But if it was something like: "Sorry to hear that. I know you are really busy. Perhaps we could keep chatting by text and stay in touch, and see where things go. Take the pressure off now, and meet up in the future when things are a bit calmer in your life"

...then perhaps you could consider whether you could have communicated this more clearly. Lots of people on this thread say your message was mature, adult etc. I don't think so (sorry). Maturity is just expressing yourself with no games, no martyrdom, no emotional manipulation, passive aggressiveness etc etc . If you wanted a different answer, e.g. the answer above, you could have just asked, "I'm sorry I've cancelled the last couple of times. I'm a bit time poor at the moment with various demands. Could we keep in touch by text for a bit and see where things go, until I have a bit more time to focus on dating in the future?" A direct question asking for a direct answer, with no need for second guessing.

PinkArt · 25/11/2023 12:57

I found it a bit cringey, but there are worse crimes than being a bit cringe from time to time! And it's far better than ghosting him.
To me you've massively over justified why you're ending things when you didn't need to, which is why it's so long. You've only been dating a few weeks, but even if you had been seeing him longer you can end a relationship for any reason you want. It sounded to my ear like you felt you needed Good Reasons to justify your decision and have over communicated those.
His response is great though and doesn't read like he'd be laughing at your message. He's acknowledged what you've said with no hard feelings. It sounds like he appreciated what you've said.

Birdcar · 25/11/2023 12:58

I found it cringy too. It's a bit ott.

NotExactlySuits · 25/11/2023 13:02

I found it cringy “oh I’m so busy!” Blah blah - I always find “I’m so busy” people cringy though - everyone is “busy” - your time is not more precious than his

Eh? The reason she's sent it is because she doesn't want to waste his (or her own) time.

OP your text is absolutely fine and normal. However, the trend for dating at the moment appears to be fading out or blocking and deleting/ghosting based on little or no information and a lot of speculation 🤷🏻‍♀️

StockpotSoup · 25/11/2023 13:14

It's kind of long

Jesus, there’s a bit of irony. My dissertation was shorter than your post.

Aspergallus · 25/11/2023 13:24

@StockpotSoup good point!

TL:DR
Mixed messages. You seem to be saying one thing, then throw in another "Things will settle down for me around march once I qualify so who knows then". It's not so much cringey as contradictory. What did you want to happen here?

SurelySmartie · 25/11/2023 13:27

Aspergallus · 25/11/2023 12:56

It's kind of long, and over explaining almost always sounds like lying or self-importance.

"I'm good thanks, hope you are well. Sorry that I've had to cancel our last couple of dates. I'm realising I just can't make time for dating just now between completing my qualification and the kids. It's been really nice to meet you, but at this point I thought I better let you know where things stand for me at the moment. Take care."

Your longer message sounds a bit chaotic, emotionally strung out and with a lot of mixed messages. I don't think he'd be cringing, just more thinking it's all a bit much and kind of mind twisting.

'Hey, Hope you’re good! I have been thinking and I’ve enjoyed chatting with you and getting to know you a bit (you like him?) but I’m just so busy the now I just think there’s no point meeting up (no point? sounds kind of dramatic and defeatist). It’s not going to go anywhere, there’s so much time passed between our last date (my fault) and I just think it’s going to be like that due to how busy I am and probably won’t progress (are you being defeatist again or are you actually saying you don't see a future with him at all?) so don’t want to waste your time (are you being passive here, putting it in his court to choose to waste his time?). I have one day off a week the next couple of months (sounds kind of self important, I mean lots of us only have one day off a week in the long term, or none when you end up filling days off driving kids around, housework etc) and I really just feel like I need to be spending that with my kids and concentrating on them. Things will settle down for me around march once I qualify so who knows then (after all that you're hedging your bets -he might be good enough to fit your priorities in March?). But at the moment I just feel like I’m getting pulled in different directions (sounds kind of chaotic and passive) and I need to just concentrate on the kids and my placement and work before anything else. I’ll miss chatting with you though, have enjoyed it, you’re great and funny 😆 sorry just want to be upfront and stop wasting your time as I’ve cancelled past few meet ups (are you now flattering him, hoping that he'll call your bluff and say he doesn't feel his time has been wasted, and he'll wait?). X'

I don't know what I'd make of a message like that. I've got no emotional investment in it and, yet, I don't have a clue what you actually want. Too much, too confusing. People who don't really know what they want are best avoided. Maybe his mates will say some male version of "she's just not that into you" which is probably what it boils down to. In any case I think his response is absolutely appropriate rather than anything more drawn out.

I also kind of wonder if you're now second guessing yourself, not because of your friends comment but rather because of his brief response.

Perhaps you could ask yourself, what did you actually want him to say?

No one but you knows..

But if it was something like: "Sorry to hear that. I know you are really busy. Perhaps we could keep chatting by text and stay in touch, and see where things go. Take the pressure off now, and meet up in the future when things are a bit calmer in your life"

...then perhaps you could consider whether you could have communicated this more clearly. Lots of people on this thread say your message was mature, adult etc. I don't think so (sorry). Maturity is just expressing yourself with no games, no martyrdom, no emotional manipulation, passive aggressiveness etc etc . If you wanted a different answer, e.g. the answer above, you could have just asked, "I'm sorry I've cancelled the last couple of times. I'm a bit time poor at the moment with various demands. Could we keep in touch by text for a bit and see where things go, until I have a bit more time to focus on dating in the future?" A direct question asking for a direct answer, with no need for second guessing.

Speaking of overlong texts…

Aspergallus · 25/11/2023 13:31

@SurelySmartie you know, a whole chunk of it is quoting the OPs long message...but fortunately, like anything else on the internet, you don't have to read it.

Butsheisnot · 25/11/2023 13:36

It would be too long for me to send or receive.

However, my husband would probably send a text like that as he is chatty and wordy.

So I see what your friend is saying but my husband would see what you're saying!

Don't worry about it. It was friendly and kind, that's the main thing.

MaisyAndTallulah · 25/11/2023 13:42

It was about 3 x too long but the intention was good.

Aydahayda · 25/11/2023 13:46

christmasdodedodedo · 25/11/2023 10:39

Hmmm. Why does the friend feel the need to say that to you? Is this a pattern, trying to make you feel bad?

Only a fool would find it cringy

agree with this. Think your friend has an agenda of her own. And he won’t be showing that to his mates and laughing.

is your friend always putting you down or always thinks people have malicious intent, stuff like that?

Almondmum · 25/11/2023 13:46

It was too long and over explainy but not cringy.

Like a pp I also question the motives of your 'friend' for trying to make you feel shit about it.

Aydahayda · 25/11/2023 13:47

Aspergallus · 25/11/2023 12:56

It's kind of long, and over explaining almost always sounds like lying or self-importance.

"I'm good thanks, hope you are well. Sorry that I've had to cancel our last couple of dates. I'm realising I just can't make time for dating just now between completing my qualification and the kids. It's been really nice to meet you, but at this point I thought I better let you know where things stand for me at the moment. Take care."

Your longer message sounds a bit chaotic, emotionally strung out and with a lot of mixed messages. I don't think he'd be cringing, just more thinking it's all a bit much and kind of mind twisting.

'Hey, Hope you’re good! I have been thinking and I’ve enjoyed chatting with you and getting to know you a bit (you like him?) but I’m just so busy the now I just think there’s no point meeting up (no point? sounds kind of dramatic and defeatist). It’s not going to go anywhere, there’s so much time passed between our last date (my fault) and I just think it’s going to be like that due to how busy I am and probably won’t progress (are you being defeatist again or are you actually saying you don't see a future with him at all?) so don’t want to waste your time (are you being passive here, putting it in his court to choose to waste his time?). I have one day off a week the next couple of months (sounds kind of self important, I mean lots of us only have one day off a week in the long term, or none when you end up filling days off driving kids around, housework etc) and I really just feel like I need to be spending that with my kids and concentrating on them. Things will settle down for me around march once I qualify so who knows then (after all that you're hedging your bets -he might be good enough to fit your priorities in March?). But at the moment I just feel like I’m getting pulled in different directions (sounds kind of chaotic and passive) and I need to just concentrate on the kids and my placement and work before anything else. I’ll miss chatting with you though, have enjoyed it, you’re great and funny 😆 sorry just want to be upfront and stop wasting your time as I’ve cancelled past few meet ups (are you now flattering him, hoping that he'll call your bluff and say he doesn't feel his time has been wasted, and he'll wait?). X'

I don't know what I'd make of a message like that. I've got no emotional investment in it and, yet, I don't have a clue what you actually want. Too much, too confusing. People who don't really know what they want are best avoided. Maybe his mates will say some male version of "she's just not that into you" which is probably what it boils down to. In any case I think his response is absolutely appropriate rather than anything more drawn out.

I also kind of wonder if you're now second guessing yourself, not because of your friends comment but rather because of his brief response.

Perhaps you could ask yourself, what did you actually want him to say?

No one but you knows..

But if it was something like: "Sorry to hear that. I know you are really busy. Perhaps we could keep chatting by text and stay in touch, and see where things go. Take the pressure off now, and meet up in the future when things are a bit calmer in your life"

...then perhaps you could consider whether you could have communicated this more clearly. Lots of people on this thread say your message was mature, adult etc. I don't think so (sorry). Maturity is just expressing yourself with no games, no martyrdom, no emotional manipulation, passive aggressiveness etc etc . If you wanted a different answer, e.g. the answer above, you could have just asked, "I'm sorry I've cancelled the last couple of times. I'm a bit time poor at the moment with various demands. Could we keep in touch by text for a bit and see where things go, until I have a bit more time to focus on dating in the future?" A direct question asking for a direct answer, with no need for second guessing.

Talking about kind of long……….

Chowtime · 25/11/2023 13:49

I think I would have rang to say that rather than text it, even if myself or the recepient weren't keen on phoning people but essentially you've just told the truth really.

Electrolens · 25/11/2023 13:49

The message is fine. It’s not quite how I would have written it but is honest and sounds sincere, I really don’t see how anyone could think otherwise. He responded politely - you both sound sensible people. Think nothing more of it and move on.

OnionOnionH · 25/11/2023 13:49

Over explaining makes it sound like you’re fibbing imo. Also, I think it’s kind of nicer to explain in person than by text, but I’m probably just showing my age.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 25/11/2023 14:10

The text is fine but it seems a shame to cut him off completely (if that’s what will happen) if you’re getting on really well and it’s just a time issue. Maybe you could keep messaging and chatting? If he meets someone else before March then fine, but otherwise you might find you can enjoy chatting and pick up where you left off when things are less hectic!

Fiftyvines · 25/11/2023 14:11

I also found it cringy. Way too long and he doesnt need to know all the ins and outs of how busy your life is. You could have easily said all of that in three lines.....he's response matched your txt.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/11/2023 14:17

Not cringy, a considerate message which shows that you wanted to be clear and honest.

Now dump the friend. Start composing that text!

MuckyElbows · 25/11/2023 14:20

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 25/11/2023 14:10

The text is fine but it seems a shame to cut him off completely (if that’s what will happen) if you’re getting on really well and it’s just a time issue. Maybe you could keep messaging and chatting? If he meets someone else before March then fine, but otherwise you might find you can enjoy chatting and pick up where you left off when things are less hectic!

He doesn’t want to wait around for OP, his text was very final

MuckyElbows · 25/11/2023 14:21

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/11/2023 14:17

Not cringy, a considerate message which shows that you wanted to be clear and honest.

Now dump the friend. Start composing that text!

Fucking hell, it will be a 2 part biography

Aydahayda · 25/11/2023 14:22

@MuckyElbows could’ve also been a pride thing, the response. Or a “ah well”

tiredmama23 · 25/11/2023 14:32

Aspergallus · 25/11/2023 12:56

It's kind of long, and over explaining almost always sounds like lying or self-importance.

"I'm good thanks, hope you are well. Sorry that I've had to cancel our last couple of dates. I'm realising I just can't make time for dating just now between completing my qualification and the kids. It's been really nice to meet you, but at this point I thought I better let you know where things stand for me at the moment. Take care."

Your longer message sounds a bit chaotic, emotionally strung out and with a lot of mixed messages. I don't think he'd be cringing, just more thinking it's all a bit much and kind of mind twisting.

'Hey, Hope you’re good! I have been thinking and I’ve enjoyed chatting with you and getting to know you a bit (you like him?) but I’m just so busy the now I just think there’s no point meeting up (no point? sounds kind of dramatic and defeatist). It’s not going to go anywhere, there’s so much time passed between our last date (my fault) and I just think it’s going to be like that due to how busy I am and probably won’t progress (are you being defeatist again or are you actually saying you don't see a future with him at all?) so don’t want to waste your time (are you being passive here, putting it in his court to choose to waste his time?). I have one day off a week the next couple of months (sounds kind of self important, I mean lots of us only have one day off a week in the long term, or none when you end up filling days off driving kids around, housework etc) and I really just feel like I need to be spending that with my kids and concentrating on them. Things will settle down for me around march once I qualify so who knows then (after all that you're hedging your bets -he might be good enough to fit your priorities in March?). But at the moment I just feel like I’m getting pulled in different directions (sounds kind of chaotic and passive) and I need to just concentrate on the kids and my placement and work before anything else. I’ll miss chatting with you though, have enjoyed it, you’re great and funny 😆 sorry just want to be upfront and stop wasting your time as I’ve cancelled past few meet ups (are you now flattering him, hoping that he'll call your bluff and say he doesn't feel his time has been wasted, and he'll wait?). X'

I don't know what I'd make of a message like that. I've got no emotional investment in it and, yet, I don't have a clue what you actually want. Too much, too confusing. People who don't really know what they want are best avoided. Maybe his mates will say some male version of "she's just not that into you" which is probably what it boils down to. In any case I think his response is absolutely appropriate rather than anything more drawn out.

I also kind of wonder if you're now second guessing yourself, not because of your friends comment but rather because of his brief response.

Perhaps you could ask yourself, what did you actually want him to say?

No one but you knows..

But if it was something like: "Sorry to hear that. I know you are really busy. Perhaps we could keep chatting by text and stay in touch, and see where things go. Take the pressure off now, and meet up in the future when things are a bit calmer in your life"

...then perhaps you could consider whether you could have communicated this more clearly. Lots of people on this thread say your message was mature, adult etc. I don't think so (sorry). Maturity is just expressing yourself with no games, no martyrdom, no emotional manipulation, passive aggressiveness etc etc . If you wanted a different answer, e.g. the answer above, you could have just asked, "I'm sorry I've cancelled the last couple of times. I'm a bit time poor at the moment with various demands. Could we keep in touch by text for a bit and see where things go, until I have a bit more time to focus on dating in the future?" A direct question asking for a direct answer, with no need for second guessing.

As long as this is, I agree with it.

Especially the part about hedging her bets with the "maybe in March" comment. 😬

The succinct version that @Aspergallus offers at the start of this is far more concise and to the point and not as mixed message-y.

TheresaCrowd · 25/11/2023 14:35

I doubt he'll be showing his mates and laughing.

Far too much like War and Peace for me though.