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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband left kids alone at home

509 replies

OhDamnYourEyes · 25/11/2023 00:32

I just came back home after a night out with friends, which was arranged a week ago. Husband was going to be home with the kids (8 & 11), put them to bed etc.

Yesterday he asked what time I was likely to be back, as a friend had asked him to go out for a drink. I said that I wasn’t sure, but not until fairly late. As a joke I said ‘you won’t just go out and leave them, will you’ and he laughted and said ‘of course not’.

Fast forward to tonight, I come home at 23:45, kids asleep, he’s not here. When I call him, he’s at his friends house (ca. 15 mins away) for a drink.

We had recently discussed starting to leave them home alone for short periods every now and then, and once went out together to a birthday nearby from 8-10.30pm (we couldn’t get a babysitter and gave them a phone to call us if they needed to). I did however say that I feel they are actually a bit to young for this, and that while I think it’s ok to go to the shops for an hour in the daytime and leave them, I don’t feel comfortable doing so at night.

I had a massive go at him over the phone, told him that he’s irresponsible and that I don’t want to see him. What would you do?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Quartz2208 · 25/11/2023 13:12

I don’t think the OP has lost the moral high ground at all - I think her husband has been keen on doing it convinced her too (with strict parameters set) and she realised it was not the right time to do so and has said so.

then her husband without consulting her or the children did it anyway

irritation2345678 · 25/11/2023 13:15

What are people's thoughts on leaving a 10 and 12 (13 in Jan) alone for a couple of hours in the evening, say 8pm till 10pm?

Daphnis156 · 25/11/2023 13:21

Of course going out drinking is OK and I'm surprised you waited till they were so old to do so.

The lessons from Madeleine McCann never seem to be learnt...

Wetblanket78 · 25/11/2023 13:21

Too young the older one might be ok in a year or two. But shouldn't be responsible for the younger child.

barbieofswanlake · 25/11/2023 13:23

@MaisyAndTallulah

Now how did you make the leap to a 14yo having no life skills?

I'm not intending to be mean but that post was ridiculous, and that poster should know that getting a babysitter for a fourteen year old is not the norm!

A fourteen year old with appropriate life skills should be able to be left at home without a babysitter, I really don't think that is "a leap"

If the fourteen year old had ND or other needs that make her atypical of her age, then poster shouldn't be using her as an example of what age it's ok to leave children home alone

SophieinParis · 25/11/2023 13:26

irritation2345678 · 25/11/2023 13:15

What are people's thoughts on leaving a 10 and 12 (13 in Jan) alone for a couple of hours in the evening, say 8pm till 10pm?

I think that’s fine tbh..

haribosmarties · 25/11/2023 13:27

The age of the kids and whether that's OK is a separate issue. Because I think many people would leave kids that age alone at home for a few hours.
The main issue here is that there are two parents and one did it without permission or properly discussing it with the other. Which is terrible.
Leaving the kids home alone for the first time is a big decision which should be decided on in advance together.

SophieinParis · 25/11/2023 13:29

Daphnis156 · 25/11/2023 13:21

Of course going out drinking is OK and I'm surprised you waited till they were so old to do so.

The lessons from Madeleine McCann never seem to be learnt...

!? You can’t be making a a serious comparison. That’s just offensive.

Madeleine McCann was THREE and left alone, sleeping, in an unlocked room. I wouldn’t go to sleep in an unlocked house, and I’m 35!

Totally different to leaving an 8 and 11 year old, awake, with a phone in a LOCKED house.

Mommywomb · 25/11/2023 13:33

But she also says that “we have agreed to be leaving them alone for a short time at a time” and also, “I asked him as a joke that you are not going to leave them, right?”
so,
1- husband is utterly irresponsible and shmuck but he could think oh it’s ok to leave them alone for 2 hours while I go in a piss because that’s we’ve agreed on
2- when I told her that my friend is inviting me for drinks, her response was casual question so when DC are asleep, I’ll be a twat and just leave them while sleeping.

he is selfish, irresponsible and I would want to break his teeth but I suspect this will happen again and again as for them partying and drinking is much more important than their kids safety!

Mommywomb · 25/11/2023 13:38

Even then it’s not ok! Locked or not locked!

there could be so many things go wrong!

Calliopespa · 25/11/2023 13:39

barbieofswanlake · 25/11/2023 13:00

YABU to leave them at all at those ages without a babysitter. Mine are 14 & 12 and won’t leave them at night without a sitter yet

You can't be be serious?! A sitter for a fourteen year old? My fourteen year old babysits other kids! Does your fourteen year old have any life skills or independence at all?

Oh don’t be so rude. That’s what she feels comfortable with. Personally I would be fine with a sensible 14 year old but some I know would be inclined to invite friends round, hunt out alcohol etc. It can vary vastly from one 14 year old to another. She’s giving her line in the sand because it was asked. Feel free to give yours if it’s different but don’t insult her 14 year old because he doesn’t slot into your metric.

Lex345 · 25/11/2023 13:45

My 17 year old has ASD and definitely could not have been left at 14 because he has really poor risk appraisal, which has improved a lot in the past year-but I still wouldn't leave him in charge of his younger siblings-particularly my 13 year old-unless my 15 yr old DD is in the house as well.

All children are different and for some, being left at 14 is still not appropriate. I think in almost all instances though, under 10 is too young to be left, particularly at night.

Hayliebells · 25/11/2023 13:46

SophieinParis · 25/11/2023 12:53

what age do people think it’s okay to leave dc alone? Everyone I know pretty much leaves their 11 yo home alone regularly during the day. At what time of
night does it become not acceptable to leave them alone? Or is it the prescence of the 8yo that’s worrying? Would it be okay to leave just the 11year old from 830 to 10pm?

11 is fine at home during the day for an hour or two, when they know how to contact parents if needed. For a late night evening out looking after younger siblings, I'd say 13-14 is OK.

Rosscameasdoody · 25/11/2023 13:56

Mommywomb · 25/11/2023 13:33

But she also says that “we have agreed to be leaving them alone for a short time at a time” and also, “I asked him as a joke that you are not going to leave them, right?”
so,
1- husband is utterly irresponsible and shmuck but he could think oh it’s ok to leave them alone for 2 hours while I go in a piss because that’s we’ve agreed on
2- when I told her that my friend is inviting me for drinks, her response was casual question so when DC are asleep, I’ll be a twat and just leave them while sleeping.

he is selfish, irresponsible and I would want to break his teeth but I suspect this will happen again and again as for them partying and drinking is much more important than their kids safety!

I suspect this will happen again and again as for them partying and drinking is much more important than their kids safety!

This is batshit !! Where in any of the OP’s posts does it suggest they're more interested in ‘partying’ than their childrens’ safety ? OP and her DH left them once for 2 hours, nearby and in contact by phone. Then decided they were too young to be left. OP went to a night out and left the children in her DH’s care. No, he shouldn’t have left them even if he was only local at a friends’ house - they’d already agreed to wait until the children were older. But two occasions hardly constitutes ‘partying’ !!

Bigcoatweather · 25/11/2023 13:58

SophieinParis · 25/11/2023 13:29

!? You can’t be making a a serious comparison. That’s just offensive.

Madeleine McCann was THREE and left alone, sleeping, in an unlocked room. I wouldn’t go to sleep in an unlocked house, and I’m 35!

Totally different to leaving an 8 and 11 year old, awake, with a phone in a LOCKED house.

Show quote history

Child neglect is still child neglect, whether 8yrs or 3yrs - particularly when it’s to go out and drink with friends. Yes, 3yrs is definitely more vulnerable than 8/11yrs, but neither scenario is right.

Rosscameasdoody · 25/11/2023 13:59

Daphnis156 · 25/11/2023 13:21

Of course going out drinking is OK and I'm surprised you waited till they were so old to do so.

The lessons from Madeleine McCann never seem to be learnt...

Madeleine McCann was three. And left alone at night in an unlocked room, on holiday in a foreign country. Not remotely the same thing.

Whiteday · 25/11/2023 14:00

@Supergirl1958 the OP doesn't put her social life on hold. But she states she couldn't get a babysitter, so therefore either mother or father doesn't go.

Calliopespa · 25/11/2023 14:01

Hayliebells · 25/11/2023 13:46

11 is fine at home during the day for an hour or two, when they know how to contact parents if needed. For a late night evening out looking after younger siblings, I'd say 13-14 is OK.

Show quote history

I think that more or less echoed my feelings too but I might want the eldest to be more like 15 or 16 if the youngest was much under 10 and it was late night.

Moonwatcher1234 · 25/11/2023 14:17

Oh and for those who think it’s okay - look up the awful story from yesterday where a 7 year old left unattended whilst his mum was at her partner’s, left the house and tragically got hit by a car and died. His mum was convicted for neglect and is serving time in prison. I think he had a phone as well but the bottom line is children around that age are vulnerable and unpredictable. It is not safe at all to
leave them especially at night when they could awaken disorientated and a tragic accident could occur.

irritation2345678 · 25/11/2023 14:44

We're planning on leaving our 12 and 10 year old for a couple of hours this evening to go to a local friends birthday drinks. We'll go early snd be home by 10.

Knowing my kids as I do I think they'll be fine, but this thread has made me think.

Amy8 · 25/11/2023 14:46

Op you're getting a lot of strongly worded comments and I think that's understandable
The children are too young however you look at it ,
More so having a 11yo watch a younger sibling

We are so nervous to even pop to do the bins or something and leave our 12yo alone with our toddler -
It's not fair on him either if we ever left them unattended

Having said this , I use to watch my brother regularly whilst one parent went to work and I waited for the other to come home . I was a responsible girl but at the same time it wouldn't be accepted now - quite rightly so

Amy8 · 25/11/2023 14:49

irritation2345678 · 25/11/2023 14:44

We're planning on leaving our 12 and 10 year old for a couple of hours this evening to go to a local friends birthday drinks. We'll go early snd be home by 10.

Knowing my kids as I do I think they'll be fine, but this thread has made me think.

I think it's far too young still
I know you get really responsible 12yos but in the eyes of the law and society it isn't acceptable

OdeToBarney · 25/11/2023 14:56

Canthave2manycats · 25/11/2023 00:37

They are far far too young to be left alone, and you are just as bad as he is if you left them alone to go to a birthday party!!! WTAF is wrong with the both of you???!

What would they do if you had burglars? How would they react if the house went on fire?

You are both utterly irresponsible and if I knew your identity, I would report you to social services!

Absolutely this. Disgraceful, OP.

Sceptre86 · 25/11/2023 15:00

I think he was being unreasonable but you both were when you went to a party together and left them home alone. Work around each other, ask family or friends to sit for you or use a babysitter.

Peacheroo · 25/11/2023 15:24

SophieinParis · 25/11/2023 12:53

what age do people think it’s okay to leave dc alone? Everyone I know pretty much leaves their 11 yo home alone regularly during the day. At what time of
night does it become not acceptable to leave them alone? Or is it the prescence of the 8yo that’s worrying? Would it be okay to leave just the 11year old from 830 to 10pm?

It's not just leaving them alone but why they are being left. For example, today I wanted to go for a meal and few drinks in a pub. DD didn't want to come with us or go out with her friends, asking to be left alone. Even during the day (let's say 12-2) it's inappropriate to leave her for a few drinks. I might leave her while I go to Tesco for 40 mins or similar but not for me to go and have fun. She's 12. Leaving primary school age children at night for a birthday party shouldn't be a thought. Great that OP realised after that it was wrong but most of us know before hand. Her DH is a shit because he specifically said he wouldn't leave them and then did.