Divorced but called 'Mrs'

[Sweetsweetgrass]

I am divorced and engaged to my new partner. I kept my previous married name due to the children who are still young.

My future MIL has sent a Christmas card to my partner and I and addressed it to 'Mr x & Mrs y'. We only got engaged earlier this year but she knows I am divorced and due to marry her son (we've been dating a few years). I found it really inappropriate to address me as Mrs, verging on insulting. It's really got to me because that relationship is over, I've moved on from a difficult time and I cannot understand why she's addressed me as 'Mrs' when I'm not and she knows that.

How would you feel?

Everyone realises you can be a Mrs any time you like, right? There is nothing magical that happens at a wedding that bestows this title upon you. You can be Mrs and unmarried, you can be Ms or Miss and married, you can chop and change and use one one day and one the next and it’s all good.

To become a Mrs you just….tick that box. That’s it. That’s all it signifies. To change your title, you just…..tick a different box…

Apart from Dr, you have to earn that one.

YOU see it for when married. SHE sees it for married/divorced

Neither are right or wrong - just opinions.

I'm divorced and am still Mrs.

Don't overthink this OP, go into the new relationship and marriage without unnecessary baggage about your MIL

I am happily married but prefer 'Ms' - trying to get this to stick is like pissing into the wind! Special mention to my GP surgery (with whom I was registered before marriage) who, despite my repeated corrections, have me down as 'Miss CesareBorgia Married Name" 🙄

Women being expected to change their titles (and names) because of whatever side of the marriage coin they currently fall on is archaic anyway.

I've never gone by Mrs, will never go by Mrs, will never take my husband's name and still I'm addressed as Mrs DH. I just let it slide without too much fuss because unfortunately this is just a bit of misogyny too ingrained in western society to hope for otherwise.

I was Mrs Ex Husband after we divorced until I re-married and became Mrs Present Husband.

Honestly OP if you feel this is verging on insulting I am sure you will find something else to be properly insulted by.

Not read the thread, but time was when Mrs (from Mistress) was for a mature woman and Miss for a girl. Nothing to do with being married.

Your FMIL is correct. When you divorced your went from Mrs George Smith to Mrs Felicia Smith. The dropped first name of your ex husband is the clue, when writing a card you’re unlike to use first names though. Interestingly though the “and” technically indicates you’re married to one another, there shouldn’t be an “and” for unmarried couples.

Also echoing the loathing of Ms. But it’s ultimately your choice how you’re addresses and you should let FMIL know, or maybe not bother given you’re marrying her son.

This is a strange thing to be insulted by. I'm divorced twice and go by any combination of Mrs, Miss, Ms and the 3 names I've used in my life, on official stuff I'm still Mrs 2nd exhusband. It's about time we dropped all this bollocks really, you can't infer a man's marital status from his title.

Inappropriate.

I'd feel like this was a dig 🤣

Do you get on?

Mother-in-laws always mis-address their DILs, this is normal. She's not deliberately insulting you, it's a generational thing that she will have been taught strict rules in the 1950s about correct forms of address and the idea of taking into account an individual's personal preference or identity rather than following those rules simply does not occur to them.

Meh. Couldn't get worked up about it.

This. Not quite sure why you are this upset unless there's a back story. Just let her know politely that you prefer Ms. No need for upset and drama. She's probably just assumed you've kept Mrs. My mum did as there used to be loads of stigma around single mums. She might think she's being respectful!

How does she know that you don't use Mrs, have you ever had a conversation with her about which title you use? It's not the sort of thing that comes up in conversation, because she probably thinks of you as whatever your first name is. So she's guessed and got it wrong.

Which makes it weird that she's addressed a card to her DS and future DIL as Mr and Mrs anything. She could have avoided that by just writing your names on the envelope.

Titles are meaningless, especially for women. No-one uses them consistently, there's probably as many divorced Mrs ExH names (I know quite a few) as there are married Ms her names.

MIL was divorced for 20 years before she remarried always used Mrs First Husband's name.

Maybe if you didn’t “let it slide” you could be a tiny part of that ingrained misogyny being “just” a tiny bit less. If you don’t call it out, what’s going to change?

My CEO introduced me as Mrs Myname at a meeting of about 100 people a few weeks back. Has never referred to me by anything but Firstname Surname before so I was surprised. Afterwards I asked him not to do that again, explained I don’t use Mrs and he apologised profusely. He said he hasn’t been thought before saying it and hasn’t done it since. I threatened to send the actual Mrs Myname to see him if he did (my mother!). I’m hopeful he might think twice before assuming for other women in future.

At a recent family gathering there were 4 Mrs Spanieleyes, one was my ex mother in law, another my ex sister in law ( my ex husbands brother's ex wife) myself and finally my ex husband's current wife. Two are still married Mrs Spanieleyes and two are divorced Mrs Spanieleyes but we all manage quite well!

Get a grip!

Does it really matter in the scheme of things?

I am probably old enough to be your future MIL and I would (inwardly) raise my eyebrows if someone actually formally requested how I addressed them on a Christmas card.

I always try to use 'Ms' if I am not 100% sure of what title someone uses but I am more interested in the sentiment of receiving the card rather than the title on the envelope.

(Currently watching latest series of The Crown ... doesn't (the then) POW always refer to Camilla as Mrs Parker Bowles ... pretty sure she was divorced by then?).

I get called Ms/Mrs interchangeably.... couldn't care less. I think Mrs tends to be more common if you're a bit older but seriously who cares

Your MIL is technically correct, I think. Agree with them or not (and of course, they are really old fashioned!), the etiquette books would say that you’d address a married woman with her husband’s name and surname - ie “Mrs Peter Brown” (I think they still do this in Tatler; they certainly used to!) but a divorced woman would be “Mrs Lucy Brown”.

I wouldn’t take it as a dig from your MIL in any case. She probably didn’t want to write “Chris and Cathy” on a card that was going in the post. Or look like she’d left you off the envelope!

Does she know this?

I doubt she's done it to upset you.

I've been divorced 12 years and still go by Mrs married name. I kept it because the kids were smaller and now they are adults I just haven't gotten around to changing it. Doesn't bother me in the slightest what people put on an envelope

If you’re divorced, I would have thought if you have kept your husband’s surname, then you would have kept the Mrs as well. If it was such a traumatic time that you’re trying to you need to move on from-it’s odd that it’s the ‘Mrs’ that offends you rather than still using your ex’s surname!

Rather than being insulted, why don’t you just tell her what you want to be called.

I don’t think it’s worth worrying about. She probably wasn’t sure what to put so went with Mrs. It is not worth being concerned about.