Divorced but called 'Mrs'

[Sweetsweetgrass]

I am divorced and engaged to my new partner. I kept my previous married name due to the children who are still young.

My future MIL has sent a Christmas card to my partner and I and addressed it to 'Mr x & Mrs y'. We only got engaged earlier this year but she knows I am divorced and due to marry her son (we've been dating a few years). I found it really inappropriate to address me as Mrs, verging on insulting. It's really got to me because that relationship is over, I've moved on from a difficult time and I cannot understand why she's addressed me as 'Mrs' when I'm not and she knows that.

How would you feel?

There was no need to change your name by Deed poll if you were reverting back to your maiden name.

YABU, how on earth is another individual meant to know how you decide to title yourself?

Plenty of people retain Mrs, it has absolutely no link to legal status.

Just tell your friends how you wish to be addressed.

My late husband's ex chose to keep her surname and the title of "Mrs", even though she's now with her third partner since my husband.

It's probably just a generational thing and she went with convention. I wouldn't take offence at it, I'm pretty sure it wasn't intended as an insult.

On the other hand you're well within your rights to point out to her that you're divorced and it's not how you want to be addressed.

Let it go. She is your future MIL. You will be in each others lives for a long time.

Mrs is the standard correct form of address. If you want people to use something different, you need to tell them.

Honestly, the number of people on here looking to take offence at a kind act.

Back in the days when the norm was to use "Mr and Mrs Hisname Surname", the wife was known as Mrs Husband'sname Surname, and this continued even when husband had been dead for years.

Calling a wife by"Mrs Hername Surname" implied she was divorced, and since divorce still carried a stigma in those days, addressing a letter to Mrs Hername Surname could cause great offence. I had to be quite careful addressing Christmas cards to my great aunts.

My mum is still Mrs and she’s been divorced 37 years….

I wish someone would tell my bank that! I gave up trying to change my married name on my bank account back to my maiden name when they told me (after to-and-froing for several months) I needed a Deed poll.

There's a future MIL who is never going to be able to win!

I'm married and use Mrs.
But as a teacher I get Miss Ms and Mrs at various times I don't care its not that important.
If I don't know a woman's title I use Ms as the least likely to cause offence. I do think some women make a drama out of this though.
PS. I've never had a letter addressed to Mrs Husband's full name but I'd still know it meant me and probably wonder why the king was writing to me.

Well, it doesn't have a vowel, does it? "Mzz", right? Or if it's "Mizz" then it's confusingly close to the other two. I don't think it's too late to go back - adult women regardless of marital status could just claim it; there's nothing to stop anyone.

Very happy to rock a potentially "odd vibe", but to be honest, how often would it really come up in interactions? It's more like, you fill in a form, give a title and a name, and that company henceforth writes to you as "Mrs Smith". And that accounts for most of my post, and therefore almost all occasions in which I am addressed by a title.

What a scumbag. Avoid all contact with her. Perhaps find some way to humiliate her in public?

If you are continually changing your name and your title based on your relationship status I can indeed understand why people are confused.

Having said that I have been Ms Birthname for my entire life as have both of my female DC and I still get addressed by randomers and people with opinions as Mrs Partnersname, Ms Partnersname, Miss Birthname. My female DC get addressed as Miss Birthname (name for a minor) yet my male DC is addressed as Mr Birthname (adult title) and not Master Birthname. In the same way my partner has never in his life been addressed as anything other than Mr Birthname. He’s certainly never been called Master Myname.

Surely it would be easier to use Mr and Ms for everyone of all ages! Or use Mr and Miss. Nobody uses Master for an unmarried man (unless you have weirdly formal relatives like I do and insist on using it on birthday cards!).

I don’t see how in this age we still use these prefixes? Why do men get one and women have to choose depend on age and marital status. Let’s just get rid of them all together.

I’ve always been Ms (first name, surname). I’m married with offspring and I don’t understand why people get it wrong. It’s been my name all my life and my prefix all my life. If I decided to have a name change I would let people know!!

If you're in the UK, there was no need to use Deed Poll to change your name. You can still legally use your birth name regardless of marriage or divorce.

I wouldn't expect someone who had kept their previous married surname to be horrified at the sight of "Mrs" to be honest. And all the divorced women I know who have kept their previous married surname still go by Mrs.

I agree you're taking offence where none is intended. If you kept your ex's name most people would assume you kept the Mrs or possibly moved to Ms. Without knowing then using Mrs is probably the most likely option.

DH's brother has been with his partner for 30 odd years. They aren't married so I address their cards to Mr X and Mrs Y. She had a husband once - no idea if he is still around or even alive but she is still Mrs Y. Very common for lots of people.

Mrs doesn't have to mean you're still married. You're just feeling (understandably, but unreasonably in terms of MIL) upset because it has very specific connotations for you. Relax, and have a lovely Christmas with your new family.

Mrs isn't the default though. Certainly not default newspaper usage for any woman who isn't using it off her own bat. I would feel insulted too, independently of whether it was appended to my own name or some bloke's.

I think of Miss being for women who have not yet/never married, if divorced Ms or Mrs but personally always hated the term Ms, sounds like she was just taking a guess as to what you be least offended by

How is she supposed to know? I get called Miss, Mrs and Ms. What does it matter?

I'm married and am MS Maiden Name. Clearly, everyone does it differently. Relax.

I'm a bit confused. Are you using Y to refer to both your current surname and your future husband's name?

If you are currently Ms Smith and she wrote Mr & Mrs Black, I think you are taking this far too seriously. She knows perfectly well that you are not married yet - that this is not your actual name. It is far more likely to be a light hearted nod to your wedding than a political statement. Just make it clear, when you marry, what your title and surname will be from then.

It's possible she will end up one of those people who want to dictate what name you use, but at the moment it's just a bit of fiction on an envelope.

I use Ms and Mrs interchangeably myself so it would barely have registered. I might take an interest in the assumption of me taking his name, but again, it's just one envelope and she knows it's not your actual name.

But you kept your married name so that's what you are: Mrs X. Until you get married again or reclaim your maiden name.