To think this is inconsiderate of my DP?

[Hotdogstarfish]

We've lived together for a few years, not married, and this is something he does every so often.
He won't tell me he's going out, I'll just get home from work and he won't be there.
This afternoon whilst at work, I asked him if he was available tonight. He said, yes I am, want to go out? I said yes that would be nice, I'm a bit skint but would like to (even if it's just having a night in together).
I texted him when I was on the train home, no reply.
Got back an hour ago and he's gone out. I texted asking where he'd gone and no answer. I know he'll be out drinking with friends and no idea what time he'll be in.
I just find it so rude when you're living with someone to go out and not even say you're going or anything, I'd never do that to him. As I say it isn't the first time.

No children...but still.

He’s rude and inconsiderate. Imagine him when you have kids.

That would not be acceptable to me at all. I might let it go after a talk about how rude it is - ONCE.

This is who he is, op. It won't be getting better.

Completely rude! What if there was an accident and you didn't know where he was last seen? What if you'd spent money in a takeaway on your way home? What if you had been invited out with a friend and declined because you had plans with him? If you live together, you should have a fair idea of where the other person is and value their time enough to tell them if your plans change.

This behaviour would be bad enough if he had no other plans, but the fact you'd already spoken today and were planning to do something together makes it very rude and completely unacceptable.

Don't expect him to change OP. Imagine what life would be like if you did have children and he kept disappearing.

It's not like I'm going to tell him no he can't go out with his friends. I wouldn't mind, it's just he doesn't have the courtesy to tell me. I've already talked to him about it in the past too.

It’s not just that he didn’t tell you he was going out, it’s that he made plans with you and then didn’t even bother to tell you he had changed his mind.

Either you were completely out of his mind or he thought of you but didn’t think it was worth telling you.

Neither of those are traits of someone I would want to spend my life with.

I asked him a couple of times what he was up to today. It's just hurtful, and I see it the sort of behaviour you might do when casually dating, not living together for years.

If I was casually dating someone who did this, I'd have dumped them! Massive red flag.

It's pig ignorant, OP. I'd be telling him firmly that this was the last time he behaved like this or else I was calling it a day. It demonstrates he thinks you are utterly irrelevant and unimportant to him - and that he can be as rude as he likes towards you and you'll put up with it.

I've already talked to him about it in the past too.

Then WHY are you tolerating this? Why is your bar so low?

Oh fuck that, what a piss take.

Must be quite common though considering you text asking if he’s available tonight? I couldn’t imagine living with DP and now knowing if he’s free that evening or not. Surely he’s free unless he says he’s made plans?

I personally couldn’t share my life like that with someone.

He's very sociable and goes out at least twice a week, sometimes 3x. The thing is he was out last night until 2. I get that drinking is addictive and it's hard to say no when your mates are all out, but it's true I don't need to put up with it. But then I tell myself nobody is perfect and maybe I'm too harsh if other things are good?

It's really odd behaviour. Plain rude and inconsiderate.

How does he explain it after the event?

He has no respect for you, none.

What’s good? Because it’s hard to imagine it outweighs such disrespectful behaviour.

Oh, I’m sure you’ll get all the cool wives saying they don’t own their husbands and they can do what they like, but YANBU, it’s fucking rude to just go out for the evening without letting your partner know. I wouldn’t have even done that to my partner who I didn’t live with, just because it would be unusual for me not to answer my phone and I wouldn’t want them worrying.

Nah- if someone treats you like this when ‘casually dating’ you bin them off because they don’t care about your time.

and you definitely don’t carry on the relationship and split bills with them and cook their dinner..

But then I tell myself nobody is perfect and maybe I'm too harsh if other things are good?

Sorry, op, but this is the classic mantra of women with very low standards of behaviour, and I'd bet that those "other things" really aren't that good.

When I've confronted him in the past he just said 'ah sorry, I forgot/didn't mean to '... I do struggle with boundaries tbh and maybe he takes advantage.

There's no maybe about it. He's really disrespectful.

I’m pretty relaxed about what DH does. He can go where/when and with whom he likes, I just expect to know his plans broadly. However, I’d be furious about this. So discourteous.

Are you both very young? He seems it.

If, however, you’re at an age where you’re thinking about settling down and potentially having kids… he ain’t it.

Oh, for goodness sake! Of course it’s inconsiderate of him. What are you even asking us? If your partner (repeatedly) making plans with you and then blanking you to go get pissed with his mates is okay? REALLY?!

He's 29 and I'm 32. Thanks everyone for understanding

That is just so odd. It’s just weird. I wouldn’t put up with this at all, it’s rude & would irritate the life out of me. How can someone forget to be considerate & have manners?

I’d either do it back or fuck him off.