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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is inconsiderate of my DP?

103 replies

Hotdogstarfish · 24/11/2023 20:06

We've lived together for a few years, not married, and this is something he does every so often.
He won't tell me he's going out, I'll just get home from work and he won't be there.
This afternoon whilst at work, I asked him if he was available tonight. He said, yes I am, want to go out? I said yes that would be nice, I'm a bit skint but would like to (even if it's just having a night in together).
I texted him when I was on the train home, no reply.
Got back an hour ago and he's gone out. I texted asking where he'd gone and no answer. I know he'll be out drinking with friends and no idea what time he'll be in.
I just find it so rude when you're living with someone to go out and not even say you're going or anything, I'd never do that to him. As I say it isn't the first time.

OP posts:
Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 25/11/2023 07:02

He has absolutely no care or respect for you. He wants to live a single life. Let him.

LemonCurd1 · 25/11/2023 07:24

Leave. You’re not his priority.

PoppyFleur · 25/11/2023 07:44

So hurtful of him OP. Unfortunately he is treating you as a housemate with benefits and I doubt speaking with him will change anything.

Start saving now, give the landlord notice that you will be moving on in February. get yourself financially straight and ready to move on at the end of the tenancy.

No need for drama with your boyfriend, you are not his priority and from here on in, make a commitment to yourself that he will no longer be yours. Don’t waste any more time on this man.

Toptotoe · 25/11/2023 07:48

I wouldn’t bother having a go at him over this when you next see him. Keep him onside and quietly get yourself sorted with somewhere to live when the lease runs out. Once sorted tell him you no longer want to live with him and move on. I also suggest you do some work on your self esteem. Good luck.

Ponoka7 · 25/11/2023 07:49

Hotdogstarfish · 24/11/2023 22:01

You're right, I would. It's just that he was out until 2am last night too. It's ridiculous.

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here, but what part is ridiculous, the being out until 2am or the lack of communication? I think that people should still have a social life, especially in their 29's before children etc.

"He said, yes I am, want to go out? I said yes that would be nice, I'm a bit skint but would like to (even if it's just having a night in together)."

That doesn't make sense, surely every night is a night in together? How do you conduct your finances, what's he like in other ways? It could be that he wants a proper night out and doesn't want to sub you, or pay. Is he young for his age? there is a bit of an age gap. Things might be coming to an end, or he needs to grow up a bit. The bit about you sounding harsh is odd, you aren't his Mum and don't get to dictate his time. You can demand how he treats you, but that's just communication.

Original poster
Hotdogstarfish · 25/11/2023 08:01

I meant because he was out until that time 2 nights in a row. Wasn't expecting him to sub me in any way, meant we could have still done something that doesn't cost too much, and I don't drink anyway. not saying I get to dictate his time in any way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hotdogstarfish · 25/11/2023 08:06

The reason I was skint was because I'd just paid for flights for both of us and also for train tickets to see his family with him.

OP posts:
Theeyeballsinthesky · 25/11/2023 08:18

Why were you paying for them OP? Why were they not split equally if you didn’t share finances?

rainbowstardrops · 25/11/2023 08:37

So did he come home? What's his explanation for being a twat?

Wishimaywishimight · 25/11/2023 08:53

So you are skint because you have paid for flights & trains (for both of you!!) while he is out drinking several times a week??

He is taking you for a mug, definitely time to move on!

wildwestpioneer · 25/11/2023 08:54

Only you can decide if you want to stay or not, but it's common curtesy to let you know if he's not going to be home. In fact it's just just inconsiderate, it's down right rude.

Personally tonight. I'd just walk out the door and leave him to it, no text, no response and go and see my parents or a friend and walk back in at past midnight, or even better arrange to do something with him, something he really wants to do and then go awol. But I'm petty and pa with stuff like this.

I can see you've already spoken to him about his behaviour and he still chooses to do this. How long does a quick text take to say 'I'm just off to the pub with mates, not sure when I'll be back'

wildwestpioneer · 25/11/2023 08:55

Does he go awol at work? I presume not, which means he knows it's not acceptable behaviour

ArseMenagerie · 25/11/2023 09:00

He’s mugging you off

PaminaMozart · 25/11/2023 09:00

Wishimaywishimight · 25/11/2023 08:53

So you are skint because you have paid for flights & trains (for both of you!!) while he is out drinking several times a week??

He is taking you for a mug, definitely time to move on!

The mind bogles. Why are you doing this, @Hotdogstarfish ?

What's your life plan? Why are you with this man?

Surely you can see he is useless, so what's in it for you?

jeaux90 · 25/11/2023 09:01

Hotdogstarfish · 25/11/2023 08:06

The reason I was skint was because I'd just paid for flights for both of us and also for train tickets to see his family with him.

This just gets worse. Did he not give you half the money?

Tina221 · 25/11/2023 09:41

MadeForThis · 24/11/2023 22:53

Treat him as a flatmate from now on. You don't need to tell him where you are, you don't need to answer the phone or reply to messages (sound familiar). No sex and give notice in the flat so you can move out in Feb.

I agree with this.

Hi op, I read that you’ve paid for flights and train tickets to visit his family which has left you short, ask him for half of this money. He is not a nice person, you deserve better 💐

Original poster
Hotdogstarfish · 25/11/2023 10:11

I offered to book the flights for us as a gift, he paid his own family tickets and I paid for mine, if that makes sense. I confronted him this morning, he just said sorry and nothing else.

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 25/11/2023 10:36

Hotdogstarfish · 25/11/2023 10:11

I offered to book the flights for us as a gift, he paid his own family tickets and I paid for mine, if that makes sense. I confronted him this morning, he just said sorry and nothing else.

Ahhh, Hotdog you deserve so much better than this.

I know it's easy for everyone to say leave and I don't say this lightly, but you need to put yourself first here and dump this inconsiderate, selfish, disrespectful boy.

Know your worth and don't settle for anything less ❤️

TastelessMiserySand · 25/11/2023 11:17

Sadly it sounds like he's trying to live his life like a single person, and yet is happy for you to buy him flights.
You are worth far more than being treated this way xx

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/11/2023 11:19

My exh was like this even after we had kids. Drove me mad. Was one of the reasons I ended it - amongst many!

Amy8 · 25/11/2023 12:15

Hotdogstarfish · 24/11/2023 20:06

We've lived together for a few years, not married, and this is something he does every so often.
He won't tell me he's going out, I'll just get home from work and he won't be there.
This afternoon whilst at work, I asked him if he was available tonight. He said, yes I am, want to go out? I said yes that would be nice, I'm a bit skint but would like to (even if it's just having a night in together).
I texted him when I was on the train home, no reply.
Got back an hour ago and he's gone out. I texted asking where he'd gone and no answer. I know he'll be out drinking with friends and no idea what time he'll be in.
I just find it so rude when you're living with someone to go out and not even say you're going or anything, I'd never do that to him. As I say it isn't the first time.

Yes really inconsiderate

And i think you already knew that , sorry not nice

Have you spoken to him about it ? Especially if it's not the first time

BitOutOfPractice · 25/11/2023 12:21

Of course he will spin this that you are controlling. But it’s not that. It’s that he is rude and disrespectful.

BitOutOfPractice · 25/11/2023 12:23

I know it’s too late now but I’d have been tempted to text “since I don’t know where you are and you’re not answering texts, I’m assuming you’ve been kidnapped and am Ringing the police in 10 minutes. The only other alternative explanation is that you are a disrespectful arsehole”

Chipsahoyagain · 25/11/2023 14:04

Hotdogstarfish · 25/11/2023 10:11

I offered to book the flights for us as a gift, he paid his own family tickets and I paid for mine, if that makes sense. I confronted him this morning, he just said sorry and nothing else.

So raise your standards and stop accepting people treating you like this. This is him now, imagine having children with him. You will be like one of those women here who post about their dps disappearing for the night. Don't be a fool, you've been presented with who he is. Dump him and know that you deserve better than this.

Gymnopedie · 25/11/2023 15:16

When he says he doesn't think it's because you are third (at best) in his priorities after his friends and drinking. So you aren't even considered when the other two come calling.

End it and find someone who will put you first.