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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Best friend says I'm selfish - is she right?

100 replies

YoungerHeart · 22/11/2023 18:45

My best friend recently found out she is expecting baby number 2 and asked if I'd consider having another as well. I said no, I've always said since having my son because I had an absolute torrid time with him as a newborn and suffered with PND for almost 2 years (she doesn't know this as I didn't open up to anyone apart from my husband).

When I said no she said I was to stop being selfish and think about my son. I was really taken aback by this and quite hurt. I told my husband but he agreed!!

There are many other reasons why I don't want another child - financial being one, would need a bigger house being another and a few others. My relationship with my OH is also always up and down and having a child massively amplified this. However my husband always just says 'we would make it work' and I've to stop 'holding a grudge over my son' He says I can't let go of the past.

I feel like I'm the only one with a grip on reality and that babies cost money and it's me who has to carry and look after this baby. I feel like my husband got to resume his normal life while I had to completely change. I'm still not the same person today.

AIBU to think they are both being insensitive and out of order or are they right?

OP posts:

TinyTom · 22/11/2023 18:48

It is NOT selfish to only have one child, and you don't need to justify yourself to your friend or your husband! Your body, your choice! Your friend should be less judgmental.

miniegg3 · 22/11/2023 18:50

What would be selfish is to have another child you don't actually want, and become a stressed out mother of 2 with strained finances etc. Rather than the mum you are now. I think she is being selfish and probably wanting you to have babies together tbh x

mrlistersgelfbride · 22/11/2023 18:53

Of course YANBU. They are both being extremely insensitive and short sighted.

Babies are not something you 'plan to do with your friends'. Your husband is well out of order comparing PND to holding a grudge over your son! How dare he!

I think it's good that you have thought about things and made a decision that is best for you.
I only have one child too ( largely for MH reasons) and I've encountered people saying 'Have another, it'll be ok".
That's as maybe, but for so many reasons sticking with one is the right decision for me.
I don't think this woman is a kind person with your best interests at heart.

Stand your ground, don't be swayed by well meaning 'friends' or societal pressure if you know it's not for you x

Clarabell77 · 22/11/2023 18:53

Not selfish at all. Your choice. It could be nice for your son but by the same token it might not be - especially if it strains finances and your relationship.

Ace56 · 22/11/2023 18:53

Wow, they are both being v unreasonable. I also hate the assumption that your son will be massively disadvantaged by being an only child which absolutely isn’t true!

You’re the one who has to carry the baby and do the majority of the childcare, and you don’t want to. It’s that simple and your husband needs to know that!

Original poster

YoungerHeart · 22/11/2023 18:56

Oh my goodness you don't know how relieved I am that's others can see my point of view. I was beginning to think I was going mad!

Genuinely I want to be the best mum I can to my son and not spread myself thinly.

I'm so fed up of hearing from everyone- oh but you never get two babies the same, having 2 is easier, your son needs a friend.

For all I know my son could grow up and hate his sibling!

OP posts:

talkingtoelise · 22/11/2023 18:58

Your friend is being a selfish prick by only thinking about her positive experience with having two children. Your partner is being a selfish prick by telling you to get over the past because he wants another baby. Tell them both to fuck off. Maybe in a nicer way, but you get the gist. Your body, your choice, you do what’s best for YOU in the long run.

WhichIsItWendy · 22/11/2023 19:02

You're entitled to choose how many children you have. They absolutely should not be shaming you.

But, as a mum of three young children, I can't really buy into the cost aspect. Kids don't have to be overly expensive.

And I can't deny the special relationships my kids have with eachother. They truly are best friends and adore eachother.

You're not selfish, you're making a decision that, having weighed the pros and cons, you feel is right for you. Obviously it's subjective so I think it's probably best to just shut people down and not even engage.

mumofdragons · 22/11/2023 19:03

It's your body! You are the one who has to carry that baby and work your life around another child.

I'm in the same position. I do not want another baby because I feel like my DH can go on about his business and I have to worry about childcare and doing everything - so I refuse to have another child. DH understands this, although, I think he may resent me for it but I actually don't care because I can count on one hand how many shitty nappies he has changed, and how many times he got up in the night. He also goes to the gym 6 days a week. 😒

Stand your ground and don't feel pressured into another baby, it will make you resent the baby - it's not fair on anyone and could do more damage to you and your household in the long run.

Chickenkeev · 22/11/2023 19:03

YANBU. I got similar from a work colleague once. I was raging. Our decision was purely financial, couldn't afford a second child, but colleague insinuated it was akin to child abuse!

Princessfluffy · 22/11/2023 19:04

Your "friend" is rude disrespectful and plain wrong to boot.

Loopytiles · 22/11/2023 19:06

awful words from your friend and H!

Menora · 22/11/2023 19:09

I hate this about other women. My friend cannot have another child even if she wanted one so she gets very upset if people tell her things about only children. It’s not like she can change it! So if this applies to women who choose to only have 1, what does this mean for women who can’t have more? For all anyone knows you can’t have another, choosing not to is not selfish it is sensible for your life and child and completely up to you, telling you horror stories about your child growing up alone is really horrible. You sound like a great mum and there is nothing wrong with being an only child though choice OR circumstances

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 22/11/2023 19:12

YANBU. They are being ridiculous. This is not "I'm getting a cheese sandwich. You should get one too!". It's a potential lifetime commitment.

My twins don't like each other so there's deffo no guarantee on that score.

avocadotofu · 22/11/2023 19:13

You are absolutely NOT being selfish! I can't believe anyone, let along a friend, would say something like that to you. She sounds very rude. You shouldn't need to justify yourself either.

FMLife · 22/11/2023 19:14

This reply has been deleted

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saraclara · 22/11/2023 19:14

Your friend had no right to express that opinion.
However, a husband or partner is of course entitled to express how they feel about having another child. That doesn't mean he can insist of course. But he's not wrong to express his preference or be disappointed at not having a second.

Loads of women here have posted about desperately wanting another baby but their partner disagreeing. They get sympathy, or empathy at least.

JamSandle · 22/11/2023 19:15

Youre not selfish. She sounds horrible.

Char65 · 22/11/2023 19:17

No you are not being selfish you are being sensible & considering the financial impact having another baby would have on you and your husband - you admit the relationship isn't great and another baby may make that worse if it causes you further PND. It would be selfish if you did have another baby and the circumstances weren't right in terms of the finances housing and your mental health. You have to do what's right for you - its a pity your husband isn't a bit more understanding and sympathetic.

Olika · 22/11/2023 19:18

You are not selfish. Your husband is a brick though and doesn't seem to understand what you went through.

ZipsHips · 22/11/2023 19:18

I hate the way people judge people like this and vocalise it completely unsolicited.
You are in the right and are making a sensible choice for your family. It sounds like you have thought about it sensibly and have come to an informed decision. It sounds like your friend on the other hand has an immature and unrealistic outlook on having a second baby with her “think of your son” comment. A lot of siblings don’t get on and aren’t BFFs so her having a baby for her other child is a daft reason IMO.

MargotBamborough · 22/11/2023 19:18

Your friend needs to bog off and mind her own business.

It's depressing how many women say their husbands' lives have been more or less unchanged by parenting though.

If your husband doesn't know which way round to put a nappy on and still spends as much time in the gym/in the pub/on his bike/on the golf course/playing PlayStation as he did before, it's no wonder you feel burnt out by one child and don't want another.

Rocksonabeach · 22/11/2023 19:20

Ridiculous

no man has any right to say a woman is selfish for having or not having a baby

your friend is no friend she is pushing her decision on you

I have two with a 7 year gap. But if number two had been number 1 I would not have had a second as he was and is very hard work and that’s just me

easy for men - not their bodies etc

put it back on her

single child are more resilience, get higher grades etc (make it up if necessary) and roll your eyes

Char65 · 22/11/2023 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I think its Other Half - I've recently joined MN and really struggled with all the abbreviations!

CrimsonPig · 22/11/2023 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You again? Is it your first time on the internet?

Or are you just making your way around the forum being bitchy?

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