Best friend says I'm selfish - is she right?

[YoungerHeart]

My best friend recently found out she is expecting baby number 2 and asked if I'd consider having another as well. I said no, I've always said since having my son because I had an absolute torrid time with him as a newborn and suffered with PND for almost 2 years (she doesn't know this as I didn't open up to anyone apart from my husband).

When I said no she said I was to stop being selfish and think about my son. I was really taken aback by this and quite hurt. I told my husband but he agreed!!

There are many other reasons why I don't want another child - financial being one, would need a bigger house being another and a few others. My relationship with my OH is also always up and down and having a child massively amplified this. However my husband always just says 'we would make it work' and I've to stop 'holding a grudge over my son' He says I can't let go of the past.

I feel like I'm the only one with a grip on reality and that babies cost money and it's me who has to carry and look after this baby. I feel like my husband got to resume his normal life while I had to completely change. I'm still not the same person today.

AIBU to think they are both being insensitive and out of order or are they right?

I don’t know where the ridiculous idea came from that children need a sibling to be happy and successful. It’s utter rubbish. It would be a giant mistake to have a child you don’t want, can’t afford etc. The selfish ones here are your ‘friend’ and husband, who don’t care about your wishes and feelings, only their opinions. Definitely you are NOT unreasonable and need to stay strong!

I completely understand why you wouldn’t go down the medication route but sometimes we need it.

I had very bad PND too (there are definitely some similarities in your wording which is why I picked up on it) and I ended up taking the medication.
It wasn’t a magical cure but I do think it helped.

Perhaps you could look into it a bit more as you don’t seem as happy as you could be.

I don’t know what your lifestyle is like but I found going back to study/getting a new job helped too, as I was getting my own identity back, rather than just being a mum.

The main advice I have is to try and appreciate your child and life as much as you possibly can.
I feel like I missed out on a lot because I was depressed.

The cost of having a child, both physical and emotional, is not talked about enough. Some people sail through it, but some don't. It can be very very hard. Nobody should ever be guilted into having a child.

OP, please don’t feel you have to have another child, just because people say it’s selfish to have just the one. It’s not always the case that siblings like each other’s company. My two were born close to each other in age, and never really played with each other or formed a bond. They were just totally different personalities. Even now when they’re grown up, they still don’t spend time with each other.

I have an only. And she will be an only because I don't want more than one child. My pregnancy and birth were straightforward, I didn't suffer PND and shes a pretty easy child. What's selfish is having another child for the percieved sake of the other. You should only have however many because you want them, not because you think your children need playmates.

You're not being selfish. Your friend is trying to validate her own choices. Ignore her.

They are insensitive and out of order. I’m sorry OP! They are showing no care of you at all and you matter.

@Nowherenew that's so interesting. Yes I've never completely felt like myself and even being back at work, I've completely lost my spark and passion there too.

Don't get my wrong I love my son to death and as he's gotten older it's definitely for much easier. But I didn't enjoy him until he was about 18 months I'd say.

Even know some days I'm just making it through. And I do rely on my husband to take over especially as weekends as I did it too loch trying to manage a house and a child.

Your friend is an insensitive, narrow minded idiot.

You sound like a wonderful mum, keep being true to yourself.

It's actually selfish to have children, not to not have them.

They haven’t had your experiences, your husband in particular has no idea what it’s like to be pregnant or give birth, and it’s completely understandable to not want to do something that might massively affect your mental health. Having one baby is not selfish at all and you could argue that having more than one is selfish! Only children can get lonely if they’re isolated, but so can siblings with a large age gap or ones whose parents work long hours. Someone who calls you selfish over something that has no affect on anyone other you and your partner (and is completely fine and normal) has a big chip on their shoulder and might not be your friend

That actually happened to a family I know. They had another child to keep the first one but unfortunately the second child came with all kinds of problems, poor thing

SHE is being awful for asking personal things! I never, ever ask anyone stuff like this - you just never know what's going on behind the scenes e.g maybe the person was unable to get pregnant again / miscarriage/ row with dh over amount of kids. I just don't even touch on the topic!

They both sound a bit shit tbh

YANBU, it's not selfish to only have one child! As I say that I am currently 38 weeks pregnant with DC2. I feel bad that I haven't been able to do as much with DC1 as usual, he's had over a year of reduced Mummy time (I had a miscarriage last year as well) and it's not likely to get better when DC2 arrives!

I want to give DC1 a sibling (no that's not why I'm having another child), siblings can have a great relationship - but they can also have a terrible one and you don't know how it's going to go. Your DS will make friends, he doesn't have to have a sibling. And he'll get all the attention he wants from you too.

I'm so sorry your best friend and husband are being such dicks. Especially since your husband knows what a difficult time you had with your son. You are absolutely doing the right thing by sticking to one. X

Definitely not selfish and definitely completely your decision. You could argue that having more than one is selfish!
And the person who thinks having 3 young children is not necessarily more expensive than one may change her mind when she has 3 sets of uniform to buy, or 3 hungry teenagers in the house, and not a hope in hell of having a holiday 😂

Refreshing to see most of the comments are not judgemental negatives about one child families which you sometimes get on here. Sounds like you are being unselfish and making the smart, practical choice for the sake of your health and your family.

I don’t agree with most posters on this thread (although I haven’t read it all).

You don’t need to have any reason not to have another child. “Because I don’t want to” is enough.

At the same time, I don’t think any woman is the same after she’s had a child. It’s unrealistic to expect that as a benchmark, and it’s unrealistic to compare yourself to your OH in this respect. Of course his body and mind will continue unchanged. No woman’s ever does completely. (Just wait for the menopause for it all to change again).

The sentiment behind what your OH/friend are saying is that there’s a level of sacrifice that goes into a woman having a baby: her body and her mind and her life are never fully hers again. That’s a given. Now that we’ve accepted that, given that’s how humans procreate, and looked around our lives including the one we’ve created, it might be better for the child to have a sibling than not. (As you say, equally it might not be - who knows). The word “selfish” is used by them to say that you’re putting your wants/needs ahead of the child’s. That’s okay - and it’s also true.

I don’t think the point is selfishness. that’s a clumsy way of looking at it. It’s much more complicated than that.

I’m willing to bet that the pregnant friend has assumed that everyone wants more than one and has just been introduced to the idea of having a choice, and is gutted and taking it out on you 🤷‍♀️

Have to say, i take my hat off to those with more than one. The thoughts of having to deal with all the activities/homework/worries of two or three kids frightens the life out of me! I know you cope because you have to etc, but i know for a fact i wouldn't.

She sounds immature like a child who's all excited about having children and thinking of the amount and names and possible genders and you sound like a responsible adult thinking about the actual practicalities of bringing another human in the world.

I really don't get this thing about it being 'selfish' to not keep pumping out babies. I heard it a lot during my reproductive years - I have no children. It didn't make sense then, and it still doesn't for you.

It's as if every woman has a public obligation to make new humans, and deciding not to is such a drastic dereliction of duty that the world and its wife (and so-called friends) has the right to brand us 'selfish'.

The last time that might have been even slightly true was the Middle Ages!

Generously, I like to think it's just a shitty thing people say without thinking - but your friend & partner both went the extra mile to justify their stupidity. YANBU, obviously, and, frankly, I'd have a hard time getting over your OH's remarks.

Carry on taking care of yourself and DS. Wishing you all good things!

Yanbu at all. First of all it's your choice. Women are not brood mares.

Second, this nonsense about it being selfish to have one child is ridiculous. People just don't like that women can choose how many children they have. And it isn't true that only children are deprived, sad and lonely. I've known plenty of people who are only children and all of them have been perfectly well adjusted, happy people who have plenty of friends.

If your husband wants another baby it's his turn to get pregnant and give birth.

Nah, not selfish; no justification is needed. One of the best things feminism did was to give women (and men to some degree) a choice about having children.