Best friend says I'm selfish - is she right?

[YoungerHeart]

My best friend recently found out she is expecting baby number 2 and asked if I'd consider having another as well. I said no, I've always said since having my son because I had an absolute torrid time with him as a newborn and suffered with PND for almost 2 years (she doesn't know this as I didn't open up to anyone apart from my husband).

When I said no she said I was to stop being selfish and think about my son. I was really taken aback by this and quite hurt. I told my husband but he agreed!!

There are many other reasons why I don't want another child - financial being one, would need a bigger house being another and a few others. My relationship with my OH is also always up and down and having a child massively amplified this. However my husband always just says 'we would make it work' and I've to stop 'holding a grudge over my son' He says I can't let go of the past.

I feel like I'm the only one with a grip on reality and that babies cost money and it's me who has to carry and look after this baby. I feel like my husband got to resume his normal life while I had to completely change. I'm still not the same person today.

AIBU to think they are both being insensitive and out of order or are they right?

I would be telling your friend to F off

I would tell your husband that you are horrified that he thinks it’s acceptable that YOU are expected to go through pregnancy again with concerns about what happened first time being repeated and that he provides little support in child rearing now so you would be left with two kids to look after

The husband is selfish for wanting his wife to suffer again and not validating how much more work she has put in, the friend is selfish for wanting her friend to have a baby friend for her baby, and for putting her wants above her needs, and for depriving her child of attention. You COULD argue.

I've been where you are, op, and have only one child, now in forties. I have not regretted having just one, it was right for me, husband, our circumstances and my health. My child is quite well-adjusted, has good friends and a thriving career. I always allowed his friends to come here and many stayed, they had fun.

I don't get the 'selfish', it sounds to me as though you are thoughtful and sensible. Your friend is seriously out of order.

Just read all @FMLife posts & that is one angry woman!

YANBU there is absolutely no reason that you could give for having only one child that would be wrong. It’s your body, your time, your relationship with your child and your money. If you don’t feel like the sacrifices would be worth it, then that is the end of the discussion.

It's so odd, but it's not an uncommon viewpoint. What i find particularly strange though is that, in this day and age, people still vocalise it. By all means, have your own opinion privately, but the absolute cheek to lecture people about something like this!

I know, she's popped up on loads of threads negging and bitching tonight.

You do not need to justify to anyone why you want one child! Dear god!

Brutally, your friend is irrelevant, particularly as she herself is pregnant and obviously thinks it’s a great idea. Her opinion is of no consequence, she doesn’t know what you’ve been through. Your DH, however, knows fine well, so that’s a problem and you need a proper conversation where clearly, you’re going to have to remind him of how it was for you. Him being off for 2 weeks then going back to work means he’s pretty clueless. For him to say he too thinks you’re selfish should be ringing major warning bells with you.

I cannot tell you the amount of children I’ve taught over 28 years who have told me they hate their siblings and wish they were an only child (it’s a topic we cover in Keystage 3, 4 and 5).

Nothing wrong with being selfish. You’re not but even if you were, it’s not a crime.

@Raincloudsonasunnyday

why would your body never be your own again? Surely once you’ve given birth and if you’re breastfeeding once that stops you reclaim your body as your own again?

Of course you're not being selfish. Sounds to me like your friend just wants a pregnancy buddy?

Your friend is being ridiculous. It's none if her business. Your life is yours and no one should dictate what you do or don't do.
Imo you shouldn't have another child for company if an existing one. Most times they don't get on. More and more people are having one child now. For a start you can then give that child more attention and time. She's a cf fir even suggesting it and I would be really annoyed if a friend was that invested in my life that she thought it was her right to be that involved in your life choices.

Putting her wants and needs ahead of her child?!

what twaddle.

I am an only child. I BENEFITTED from having no siblings. Here’s how;

1. Private education - local states were shit and my parents paid for me to go to private school. Couldn’t have done that for two kids
2. Hobbies - I got to train 18hrs a week for my hobby (which was free due to finance issues) but the commitment of ferrying me around was needed. If I he’s a sibling I couldn’t have done that. That ‘hobby’ got me scholarships so some of the best unis in the states (I’m a Brit).

So there are two good reasons only to have one if you can’t financially afford two (which the OP has said she’s worried about.)

But ultimately you need to pipe the hell down. It’s not complicated. It’s simple: OPs body, her choice.

Husband doesn’t get a say. Friend doesn’t get a say. Baby doesn’t get a say. The fucking sultan of Brunei doesn’t get a say. YOU don’t get a say.

OP is prioritising the child she has and being realistic about what is best for them. We need more parents like OP.

YANBU, I was similar, almost 3yrs of pretty crippling PND, it was miserable for all of us. We could probably afford another one but I think I would be very ill.

DH understands this and while he would like another one I don’t think he would want it at the cost of my mental health, it affects our entire family not just me.

Yanbu.

I live somewhere where it’s the norm to be an only child and apart from economists and the government nobody is worried about it as a bigger issue.
My only proviso would be take care not to have to rely on him when you are elderly. Make excellent provision.
My husband’s parents and all of their friends have only children and the kids are now all having to move in or sacrifice massively financially to care for their parents. Although it’s considered a duty it means that the cycle continues as no one can afford more than one child leading to some unhappy families.

Not at all. Especially with OH relationship being rocky. Personally feel it woupd be irresponsible to bring a child into the world knowing the relationship is not stable. You shouldnt have to explain yourself but if she is a close friend maybe give her a small insight into the reality!

Take note of a person who thinks its ok going around calling someone selfish. Red flag. Not nice - very rude.

No you're not. Having another baby when you don't want one would be selfish.

It's not selfish to be happy with one child. Your friend is at best a bit self involved and at worst nasty. Although at least she didn't know about your pnd.
Your husband may want more children but he doesn't carry them, go through the body and hormonal changes and deal with the majority of the parenting stuff.
When you have two children you become a tag team so you need someone who steps up and is hands on.
Do what's best for you and your body.

You are not selfish and you don''t owe this person any explanation as to why you don't want another child. She should have kept her mouth shut. There are certain things that shouldn't be discussed further especially if the other person has made up their mind and having another child is one of them.

You sound sensible not selfish. It doesn’t sound like your relationship will last forever, you need to do what works for you.

I'm sure like you said she didn't mean it in that way and would be absolutely mortified if she knew how much her comment hurt.

If she is your best friend, I would try to have a conversation in which you can open up about your experiences and PND - not to confront her (I wouldn't even refer to her comments) but just so she knows. I think that mothers who had a reasonably "standard" experience of birth and early parenting often simply don't know how different the experience can be for other people, whether through premature birth, PND, preeclampsia or whatever. Hiding our difficult stories helps I think contribute to the stigma about pregnancy, birth and motherhood experiences that don't "follow the book".

Your best friend is an ass.