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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Best friend says I'm selfish - is she right?

100 replies

YoungerHeart · 22/11/2023 18:45

My best friend recently found out she is expecting baby number 2 and asked if I'd consider having another as well. I said no, I've always said since having my son because I had an absolute torrid time with him as a newborn and suffered with PND for almost 2 years (she doesn't know this as I didn't open up to anyone apart from my husband).

When I said no she said I was to stop being selfish and think about my son. I was really taken aback by this and quite hurt. I told my husband but he agreed!!

There are many other reasons why I don't want another child - financial being one, would need a bigger house being another and a few others. My relationship with my OH is also always up and down and having a child massively amplified this. However my husband always just says 'we would make it work' and I've to stop 'holding a grudge over my son' He says I can't let go of the past.

I feel like I'm the only one with a grip on reality and that babies cost money and it's me who has to carry and look after this baby. I feel like my husband got to resume his normal life while I had to completely change. I'm still not the same person today.

AIBU to think they are both being insensitive and out of order or are they right?

OP posts:

Original poster

YoungerHeart · 22/11/2023 19:25

Thanks everyone. This makes me feel better.

I don't think my friend would have meant the comment in a hurtful way but as some do you said what's right for her isn't right for me and she isn't seeing that.

I think if I spoke to her and told her how it made me feel she would be very apologetic but I can't even be bothered getting into it and nor should I have to I don't think.

She just has a bit of an abrupt way of doing this sometimes.

My husband would like another child as he is one of 4 but understands that I don't. But I feel like when he hears other people are having more it becomes more of a sore issue for him-especially now it's so close to home.

OP posts:

Hibiscrubbed · 22/11/2023 19:25

They are total morons. Your friend is stupid, and your partner doesn’t give a shit about you or how difficult it was with your first child. Let me guess, he wasn’t a team player and you did everything?

MargotBamborough · 22/11/2023 19:26

@YoungerHeart Why do you feel that your husband got to resume his normal life and you didn't?

Does he not pull his weight?

Mummymummy89 · 22/11/2023 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I'm sorry are you lost? This is mumsnet and the door is that way.

Yanbu OP. There's lots of research that shows that financial situation is correlated with outcomes for children (educational, emotional, even criminal/not criminal). So if having a second made you poorer overall, that would be doing your eldest a disservice.

Your partner doesn't sound very nice. I went through horrific birth trauma with my first, and it would have damaged my relationship irrevocably if dh hadn't fully understood/sympathised.

I'm having a second but then getting sterilised. Birth trauma/PPD is a totally legitimate reason not to want more kids.

CyberCritical · 22/11/2023 19:28

To be selfish is to think only of yourself, your concerns, your interests.

Your assessment takes into consideration how you would be able to care for and finance your existing child as well as what kind of parent you would be to the hypothetical child.

You are in not being selfish.

Maray1967 · 22/11/2023 19:29

I always wanted two - but if I hadn’t I would have stopped at one. There is no way I would have had another if I didn’t want to. I would have a word with her if she raises it again. If not, I’d let it drop. Your DH on the other hand - he needs telling loud and clear.

Morewineplease10 · 22/11/2023 19:29

Your friend and DH both sound like dicks.

You have very sensible reasons for sticking at one. I am constantly surprised how few people stick at one child these days with COL/global crisis.

It definitely has to be your choice as the outcome has far more impact on you.

betterangels · 22/11/2023 19:29

You're of course not unreasonable at all. Your partner doesn’t seem to realise what you have been through, or, worse, he just doesn't care.

GreatGateauxsby · 22/11/2023 19:33

No way are you selfish!

your friend is weird but also pregnant…not sure what your husbands excuse is!!!!

after I had my first my husband sat me down and told me seriously that if I never wanted to go through pregnancy again he would support me as he saw the toll it takes on physical and mental health.
not just mind but several of our friends had difficult pregnancies and births.
equally if I wanted a second he would support me fully. He was incredible during my second pregnancy he did pretty much every bedtime and night wake for 9 months!!!

Nowherenew · 22/11/2023 19:33

Are you still suffering with depression?
Some of your wording sounds like you may be.

She has no right to say what she said but as a parent of an only child, I do have to agree.
Having an only child is something that I regret and something that makes her so sad.

coldcallerbaiter · 22/11/2023 19:33

Your ds mat be disadvantaged in one way by not having a sibling but he will be advantaged in other ways. That is just life. No siblings mean more of parents time and finances for him!

Original poster

YoungerHeart · 22/11/2023 19:34

@MargotBamborough I just feel like he was amazing when my son was just born but after his 2 weeks paternity leave he was able to go back to work and left me at home all day with a scream baby at absolutely breaking point.

He would come home and I'd be lying in a heap crying too.

He was and still is supportive but I just mean he is still the same person whereas I feel like I'm now not the same. The trauma of the PND absolutely changed my character.

OP posts:

AboutYouTalk · 22/11/2023 19:35

What a ridiculous thing to say, of course it isn’t selfish. Only children are becoming more and more common for many reasons these days and those parents are usually grateful they were able to have 1 child when many struggle to. You’re the one who would have to deal with the lions share. Your husband should be supporting you.

ScattieHattie1 · 22/11/2023 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It's an Overgrown Hedge, code for needing your bits waxing.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/11/2023 19:35

Nowherenew · 22/11/2023 19:33

Are you still suffering with depression?
Some of your wording sounds like you may be.

She has no right to say what she said but as a parent of an only child, I do have to agree.
Having an only child is something that I regret and something that makes her so sad.

@Nowherenew

you don’t need to be suffering from depression to want just the one child you know

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 22/11/2023 19:36

Your friend and your dh are v unreasonable, pnd is horrendous and very debilitating and it's understandable you don't want to go through that again.

ColinFuckingRobinson · 22/11/2023 19:36

Not at all selfish. You're being very pragmatic and sensible. And the argument that children need siblings in order to have a fulfilling childhood is bollocks too as there's no guarantee that they'll get on. My DC are 3 years apart and have absolutely nothing in common with each other, and mostly only interact in order to bicker.

SquirrelMadness · 22/11/2023 19:40

I'm an only child. I had a very happy childhood. I've never longed for siblings. I had plenty of friends and I wasn't lonely.

If you did have a second child there is no guarantee they will get on.

You're not being unreasonable and you should only have a child if you really want a second child. There's nothing wrong with just having one.

Newnamesameoldlurker · 22/11/2023 19:41

Your friend's comment was extremely stupid as everyone has said, but if she doesn't know about your PND she may not realise the effect of her words. Its the opposite of selfish to have just one child- he'll get all your material and emotional resources! I had my second for totally selfish reasons- I hoped the second would play with the first and make my life a bit easier. I wonder if your friend is feeling anxious about her own decision and projecting that on to you. Perhaps it's suddenly hit her how much less of her the eldest will get when the new baby is born and wants to reassure herself she's doing an unselfish thing by giving them a sibling. Or just feels lonely and wants you to join her on the journey as she had you the first time around. As others have said your DH will have his own reasons for wanting a second but it's completely unfair and disturbingly lacking in empathy to accuse you of selfishness for this.

Original poster

YoungerHeart · 22/11/2023 19:41

@Nowherenew I think on some level I am TBH.

I've never quite been the same since my son was born. I had talking therapy but didn't find it helpful and I didn't want to go down the medication route. So I suppose in some way in stuck in a kinds of limbo. Probably some unresolved feelings.

OP posts:

Holidayhell22 · 22/11/2023 19:42

yanbu.
You are being very rational.
I would say to your dh that there is no way on earth you would ever go through labour again.
If he starts moaning say fine, seeing as you think it’s such a doddle you can look after dc alone whilst I go out. Then go out and do whatever it is you fancy.
As for your friend, well, time will tell. There absolutely will be a time when she is tearing her hair out with two children.

Nowherenew · 22/11/2023 19:43

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/11/2023 19:35

@Nowherenew

you don’t need to be suffering from depression to want just the one child you know

Show quote history

Of course not but still not feeling yourself after years or being told you’re holding a grudge over your child, could be signs of depression.

Livelovebehappy · 22/11/2023 19:45

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Are you new on here? OH is a well used abbreviation on MN. No need to be so aggressive……

SylvieLaufeydottir · 22/11/2023 19:46

I can't really buy into the cost aspect. Kids don't have to be overly expensive

🤔 Maternity leave is expensive. Childcare is expensive. How exactly do you avoid those costs, unless you SAH, which, unless you earn very little, is... expensive?

PartOfTheFurniture12 · 22/11/2023 19:46

YANBU. You should only have as many children as you are comfortable having.

I was an only child until I was a teenager and can see the perks of having and not having siblings, but I was never lonely for not having had a sibling during my formative years, if that's what they're getting at. Plus, with one child, you don't have to split your resources. A friend of mine who is an only child had a much easier time getting on the property ladder because of this.

People like your friend and OH seem more invested in the fantasy they've built up in their heads of what a family "should" be, not the actual family situation that is playing out in front of them. This rigid idea of siblings being best buds doesn't always match up with the reality. Some siblings get along like a house on fire, others can't stand each other, some actively make each other miserable for years growing up.

Frankly, I think it's more selfish to bring a second child into the world purely because you think your firstborn should have a playmate, rather than because you actually want the second-born for their own sake. Children are individuals, not accessories.

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