Aibu to be annoyed at DH for booking cycling event which makes it difficult to go on family holiday?

[Neolara]

DH has booked to go on a cycling event abroad that is happening on the Saturday after Easter. Best case scenario is he goes on Friday and returns on Sunday. I suspect it will be longer. He booked without discussing with me or kids.

For the last few years, we have gone on a week long family holiday over Easter. Due to other family commitments, the only possible time for us to be away as a family next year was from the Tues to Saturday after Easter. Now it will be Tues to Thurs, so reduced by 2 days and possibly more as I suspect time will be needed to polish the bike.

The context is that probably every second weekend he spends a day cycling with friends. Every couple of months he will go on long weekends cycling with friends. I don't normally mind. I think in the grand scheme of things I am a very low demand wife. I don't make a fuss about much and I don't stop him from doing things he wants to do. Very occasionally I have got annoyed because even though kids are teens and not difficult to manage at all, he 's still just assuming that I will be the default parent and be around to talk to them / ensure they aren't out all night / be present while he goes off on yet another ride.

I do, however, feel quite annoyed this time. It probably means that we won't go away as a family after all. So let's put it out to public opinion:

Yabu - it's unreasonable to expect DH to at least have a brief conversation with his family before booking something that impacts on the whole family's holiday. A man's bike is his castle and he must be allowed to do what he wants with it.
Yanbu - yes, it's bloody annoying when your DH consistently priorities time with his bike over time with his family, assumes you will just hold the fort without asking and makes decisions that affect others without even having a discussion first.

They certainly are. The type who hold up other people getting to their hobbies at the weekend by blocking country lanes with massive groups of the tiny-balled entitled wankers.

Book somewhere amazing for just you and the DC and don't discuss it with him.

Why should he get all the fun?

This. Doubt you will do it though.

He's a selfish arse and I bet your children are well aware that he puts what he wants far ahead of them and the family.

Children like yours grow up knowing their fathers were selfish arses and their mothers just sucked it up.

I would be telling him too.
He doesn't respect you.
No husband who did, would do this.
Yours is not a healthy or good marriage.
Your children will reise this too.

Go off on the Easter holiday on your own.
Then in a few months book a weekend away for just yourself. Don’t check with him first, just assume he’s going to be there, just like he does with you.

Solution: could you plan your family holiday in the same location? Fly out together be together afterwards? Though he obviously should have discussed it first.

The trouble with going ahead with the holiday without him is that it's quite likely he'll say, in the future, "Oh but look how well it worked out last time! You had a lovely holiday!" and carry on with his self-absorbed ways.

I think I would book something for the two days you now have left, and ensure that your arrival time home is as late as possible. And then book yourself a solo trip over one of the weekends that you know he'd want to be cycling.

I don't think demonstrating your capability to take your teens away without him is going to help your cause. The only way that might penetrate his skull is to make his other jaunts impossible, since words alone are having no effect.

Book yourself a weekend away without discussing it. Tell him it's a life after divorce workshop.

He should have discussed it with you, but did you discuss the Easter holiday with him.

I’m guessing it’s Paris-Roubaix. So not exactly the best location to combine with a family holiday at that time of year (It’s not called the Hell of the North for nothing). It’s only 2 days so can he not just go for those two days and still have most of the week with you?

Go on holiday without him. But have a serious conversation with him about whether he really wants his children to grow up with their main memory of their father being that he was never there and that he prioritised his cycling over them.

Yanbu
Very selfish of him.

I think you book up (without consulting him) a nice holiday for you and the kids, probably somewhere all-inclusive with plenty of kids activities so that you can have down-time, possibly linking up with another family - do you have a sibling with similar-age kids? Or another family you enjoy spending time with?

Its shitty of him to opt out if family life like this but don't let his shittiness mean you just sit at home bored.

Yes, he's spending the majority with them. Assuming a 4 week month, there are 16 weekend days. He spends 5 of them cycling (3x day a fortnight - would be home evening - plus one long weekend that happens roughly every two months)

So OP could have same 5 weekend days to her solo activities. And there'd still be 6 for the family all together

Just on the basis of this specific event and you trying to manipulate us by saying it was your only chance to get away as a family when 8n fact it’s a second holiday I’ve said YABU, especially as you haven’t clarified whether it’s a big event (which I’m taking to mean it is). As @AuntieStella has pointed out. He doesn’t actually spend that much of the year cycling based on your info either.
If you want a UK holiday, go anyway. He can join you for some of it surely?

Assuming a 4 week month, there are 16 weekend days

Think your maths has gone a bit askew

4 week month has 8 weekend days. He spends 2 of those cycling plus another one every two months so 2.5 out of 8. That may not sound like much, but if OP did the same that would be 5 of 8 weekend days a month where they’re not together either as a couple or a family.

I don’t see why it being a second holiday rather than the only holiday means it doesn’t matter.

Yes obviously missing the only holiday would be even worse but it doesn’t mean it’s not a problem to miss the Easter one.

Both holidays are family tradition and both are important.

So is it the big cycling event that others have mentioned op?

Oops - it was brilliantly clear in my mind, but I missed a critical bit!

I was talking about a two month period (in order to include the weekend away that happens every couple of months)

So in two months (assuming 4 week months) there are 16 weekend days.

If he uses 5, and OP has 5 for her use, then there are 6 with both parents.

If you look at the whole year, the balance tips slightly more in favour of family time as the longer commitment (weekend away) happens one less time every two years.

😂

I am the first to argue for being socially conscientious but you are the one being unreasonable in trying to make the OP feel guilty about 'some people' who 'can't afford to feed their families and heat their homes'. You have no idea of the OP's family circumstances and there may be good reasons for them taking this second trip:

Perhaps they take this second UK trip because the OP has family in a distant part of the country?
Or family graves that she likes to visit?
Or it is an area of the country where they previously lived for many years?
Or perhaps they stay with relatives to do this second trip at very low cost?
Or the OP and her DH work as social workers, or nurses, or run a food bank or do all sorts of things to serve the community all the rest of the year?

Mumsnet is open to everyone, rich or poor. The OP is taking a family trip in the UK during Easter, not using £50 notes as firelighters.

The circumstances of other families are completely irrelevant and cost/affordability weren't mentioned at all in the OP's post. It is about her husband's time and his commitment to the family.

Harsh. Just because she can afford two holidays - newsflash; lots of families have several holidays a year. There will always be those better off/worse off than you.

Cool wife can work. As long as you guilt him into being cool husband. And then make a point of saying, all this is fine but we need to also make sure we are cool parents.

Basically it's a bargaining chip. Okay you've done that by yourself. What can I get out of this so I can do something with MY friends. And don't forget if we are off doing something without kids we need to make sure we factor in something really geared up to the kids as their thing as a family.

The issue isn't cool wife. It's being doormat wife who doesn't get anything in return for the week looking after kids by self.

@Backagain23 I thought you was going to say that yours is into football and needs time to polish his balls 🤣

Mallorca 312 / Paris Roubaix or other similar big events with very advance/ballot entry, YABU
Weekend on the IOW with 3 mates YANBU.
Maybe don't go away this year at Easter and do a bigger summer, or perhaps October trip instead. You also don't say the other family commitments, but unless it's an exam or something that has actual future impacts then its potentially just as much a preference as the cycling trip.

After the update, it sounds like your initial “Due to other family commitments, the only possible time for us to be away as a family“ really just means “This is the only time we could go away as a family at Easter” in which caseI think you’re being a bit unreasonable about this particular holiday as an isolated incident. Go away at half term or something.

But it’s not an isolated incident. I don’t think you are at all unreasonable being annoyed with him about assuming you’re the default parent and him booking this without discussing it. That’s pretty contemptuous of you all as a family.

Brilliant, just brilliant 😂