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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be annoyed at DH for booking cycling event which makes it difficult to go on family holiday?

105 replies

Neolara · 21/11/2023 21:51

DH has booked to go on a cycling event abroad that is happening on the Saturday after Easter. Best case scenario is he goes on Friday and returns on Sunday. I suspect it will be longer. He booked without discussing with me or kids.

For the last few years, we have gone on a week long family holiday over Easter. Due to other family commitments, the only possible time for us to be away as a family next year was from the Tues to Saturday after Easter. Now it will be Tues to Thurs, so reduced by 2 days and possibly more as I suspect time will be needed to polish the bike.

The context is that probably every second weekend he spends a day cycling with friends. Every couple of months he will go on long weekends cycling with friends. I don't normally mind. I think in the grand scheme of things I am a very low demand wife. I don't make a fuss about much and I don't stop him from doing things he wants to do. Very occasionally I have got annoyed because even though kids are teens and not difficult to manage at all, he 's still just assuming that I will be the default parent and be around to talk to them / ensure they aren't out all night / be present while he goes off on yet another ride.

I do, however, feel quite annoyed this time. It probably means that we won't go away as a family after all. So let's put it out to public opinion:

Yabu - it's unreasonable to expect DH to at least have a brief conversation with his family before booking something that impacts on the whole family's holiday. A man's bike is his castle and he must be allowed to do what he wants with it.
Yanbu - yes, it's bloody annoying when your DH consistently priorities time with his bike over time with his family, assumes you will just hold the fort without asking and makes decisions that affect others without even having a discussion first.

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 21/11/2023 22:22

Go without him and then let him know the dates for your solo holiday when he will be parenting on his own, and the dates for your fortnightly days out for your new hobby

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/11/2023 22:26

Nicole1111 · 21/11/2023 22:22

Go without him and then let him know the dates for your solo holiday when he will be parenting on his own, and the dates for your fortnightly days out for your new hobby

This is the best reply

Muchtoomuchtodo · 21/11/2023 22:30

it would be the booking without talking about it first that would piss me right off.

i woudl go ahead and book a week for you and the dc, if he can join you then great but if not then tough luck.

What time to you get to yourself @Neolara ?

londonmummy1966 · 21/11/2023 22:34

Book a hotel in a really expensive resort and you and the DC spend huge amounts - hen sell his bike to pay the bill.....

tokirara · 21/11/2023 22:35

My DH is similar to yours in his cadence of cycling pursuits but big difference seems to be that he's always discussed it with me and gotten my agreement before making plans, plus demonstrates 100% awareness of the childcare implications for me and so offers to solo parent on different occasions in return. Like you, I am also a low demand wife...

So YANBU. He should not have booked it without discussing and getting agreement first.

RedToothBrush · 21/11/2023 22:38

Say 'that sounds lovely' and go with him...

GreatGateauxsby · 21/11/2023 22:43

Two can play that game.

Book the full week, make whatever plans you like for you and the kids.
Ideally book the super fun activities while he is on his bike 😂

you and kids go on the full uninterrupted holiday and he sorts out his Lycra clad to-ing and fro-ing on his own if he wants to join you.

let him be outraged if he wants. Just carry on with your plans…

Homewardbound2022 · 21/11/2023 22:51

Time for you to take up triathlon and golf, OP.

HardcoreLadyType · 21/11/2023 22:57

My husband is also a cyclist. He would always check dates with me first.

However, particularly as it’s a holiday in the UK, go anyway. He can do his cycling event and come to you after, or leave earlier. (Which ever works better.)

AuntieStella · 21/11/2023 22:59

Homewardbound2022 · 21/11/2023 22:51

Time for you to take up triathlon and golf, OP.

Exactly

Are you getting a similar amount of time to pursue your hobbies uninterrupted?

Ineedasitdown · 21/11/2023 23:04

Piss off to Disney without him but make sure he pays?
sorry I think you need to be a more high demand wife. He is only prioritising himself.

Concannon88 · 21/11/2023 23:23

Sick of hearing about men like this, they are selfish and narcissistic. Dont put up with it any longer. 2 wrongs dont make a right, but it cant hurt. Please book something for yourself and dont tell him till the last minute. Make sure he is left with the kids and turn your phone off too.

JRM17 · 22/11/2023 20:24

OP u are being VU in your explanation of this. The original post says that the only time you will have as a family is when he has booked to go away but then you admit later on that actually you will have a family holiday in the summer. I think you are very entitled and need a shake, some people can't afford to feed thier families and heat their homes and you're being pissy about your husband spoiling ONE of your family holidays. FFS

socialdilemmawhattodo · 22/11/2023 20:26

Just go - you and the kids - whereever you fancy. But just make it the sort of holiday (notquitesoD)H would have loved!! No need for you to change your plans. Enjoy!

Codlingmoths · 22/11/2023 20:32

since the kids aren’t little and exhausting, I book an amazing holiday on a week he can’t come, either for me or me and the kids. Thailand? Country france? And deliberately head out a few times on the weekend for at least a day. Time for him to see he’s not appreciated your very generous acceptance of his selfishness but you draw the line at his putting the family rockbottom.

Lindjam · 22/11/2023 20:35

Can’t you just have a lovely holiday without him @Neolara ?

FirstTime8717 · 22/11/2023 20:37

YANBU. I know people mean well when they suggest you go on your own with your kids but that is obviously not great. Being the only adult with teen kids on holiday really isn't that fun, no one to share a nice meal with and have a glass of wine. It will be nice but not the same. The whole reason for having a fucking partner is to share the good times in life.

If he's not there for you as a partner and a husband doing the hard bits, and is also not there for the nice bits, what's the point of him? I'd reconsider my future if i were you.

XelaM · 22/11/2023 20:45

I don't understand why you can't go without him or maybe even go holiday in the same place as his cycling trip (if it's Mallorca)

GrumpyPanda · 22/11/2023 20:45

Are there any friends you'd like to share a holiday with? Then book for the week without him.

But much more importantly, start booking solo/girls/hobby trips for yourself the very same weekends he wants to grab for his cycling shindigs.

Or LTB...

MrsMarzetti · 22/11/2023 20:45

He obviously has no respect for you or the children. How many teen free nights are you booking away once he is back ?

AuntieStella · 22/11/2023 20:46

Is he putting his family rock-bottom, though?

He's been away with them every year at Easter for the last few years, but this year wants to do something else.

OP has not answered if it's the Mallorca 312 - a bucket list event. Lucky to get a place at all, if it is, and obviously one you'd want to do whilst in peak condition. Not put off for a decade or however long it will be until the DC are no longer interested in going away with their parents.

He may not see fitting in a second holiday at Easter as a family tradition (and I agree that OP was misleading as it made it sound like the only chance of time together, which clearly it's not).

And it does sound like OP had just assumed he'd be free on those dates without actually asking him. So he didn't book over an arranged holiday, if he didn't even know there was going to be two holidays next year.

The question of how much time he spends cycling in general, and whether OP gets a fair chance at her hobbies and down time, is important but rather separate from booking one event

FirstFallopians · 22/11/2023 20:50

Not necessarily aimed at you OP, but this is what being a low demand, “Cool Wife” gets you.

I am not a Cool Wife. I made it clear after DC1 was born that I was not going to be the default parent, and there have been a lot of rows difficult conversations where I’ve had to remind DH of this. I was not going to be the one left holding the baby while he carried on his pre-kid social life and career, unaffected by the realties of having a family.

I don’t care if this makes me high demand or an Uncool Wife. As a result DH respects my time, job and leisure time, and we’re both happier for it.

Mycatmax · 22/11/2023 20:51

FirstTime8717 · 22/11/2023 20:37

YANBU. I know people mean well when they suggest you go on your own with your kids but that is obviously not great. Being the only adult with teen kids on holiday really isn't that fun, no one to share a nice meal with and have a glass of wine. It will be nice but not the same. The whole reason for having a fucking partner is to share the good times in life.

If he's not there for you as a partner and a husband doing the hard bits, and is also not there for the nice bits, what's the point of him? I'd reconsider my future if i were you.

I appreciate that might be your experience but I have had brilliant holidays with my teenagers and no DP.

DD is much more of a foodie than me, and both DC are great company. No complaints here.

Screamingabdabz · 22/11/2023 20:53

Men into cycling. They’re a type.

RosyDawn · 22/11/2023 20:55

Tell him you’d also booked something to do that weekend without telling him. So that he’ll have to be responsible for the children those days (as your thing means they can’t be with you).

See what he says.

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