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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be annoyed at DH for booking cycling event which makes it difficult to go on family holiday?

105 replies

Neolara · 21/11/2023 21:51

DH has booked to go on a cycling event abroad that is happening on the Saturday after Easter. Best case scenario is he goes on Friday and returns on Sunday. I suspect it will be longer. He booked without discussing with me or kids.

For the last few years, we have gone on a week long family holiday over Easter. Due to other family commitments, the only possible time for us to be away as a family next year was from the Tues to Saturday after Easter. Now it will be Tues to Thurs, so reduced by 2 days and possibly more as I suspect time will be needed to polish the bike.

The context is that probably every second weekend he spends a day cycling with friends. Every couple of months he will go on long weekends cycling with friends. I don't normally mind. I think in the grand scheme of things I am a very low demand wife. I don't make a fuss about much and I don't stop him from doing things he wants to do. Very occasionally I have got annoyed because even though kids are teens and not difficult to manage at all, he 's still just assuming that I will be the default parent and be around to talk to them / ensure they aren't out all night / be present while he goes off on yet another ride.

I do, however, feel quite annoyed this time. It probably means that we won't go away as a family after all. So let's put it out to public opinion:

Yabu - it's unreasonable to expect DH to at least have a brief conversation with his family before booking something that impacts on the whole family's holiday. A man's bike is his castle and he must be allowed to do what he wants with it.
Yanbu - yes, it's bloody annoying when your DH consistently priorities time with his bike over time with his family, assumes you will just hold the fort without asking and makes decisions that affect others without even having a discussion first.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/11/2023 20:57

Screamingabdabz · 22/11/2023 20:53

Men into cycling. They’re a type.

This.

Also, being a low-demand wife is lovely for the husband but less for the children. You might not care, but the children have missed all that time with their father. And they're teens now, there are only so many family holidays.

MsMcGonagall · 22/11/2023 21:03

He should have discussed it. But, now its done, I think you adapt. Just cos Easter has been a thing for a few years doesn't mean it can't change this year.

I've definitely been on many holidays without DH. (and many with him) Sometimes for logistical availability reasons, Sometimes cos DH doesn't like the holiday type (but me and the kids do).

Nice idea to book an Easter holiday with a friend and the friend's kids (assuming the kids are friend's with your kids) . I've had memorable holidays in this style.

MsMcGonagall · 22/11/2023 21:04

Ps and Sometimes DH has taken kids away eg if I've been on a work trip etc

BrendaBicycle · 22/11/2023 21:16

Careful that you aren’t trying to hard to be the “cool wife” OP

been there, done that, but then I was a bit stupid. DH had a massive time consuming hobby which he only developed once we had kids (strange how men suddenly find important hobbies that take them away from home for hours, days, weeks) and I was the cool wife, low maintaince, not demanding or difficult like other women…..

things only got worse! So when the kids were at secondary I told DH I was going to act like man from now on: booked trips away with friends, found a new hobby, signed up for tournaments with no regards to whether the dates impacted on DH plans. He went away for a weekend? Then so did I. He did not like me “keeping score”, I said: yes I bet it does not suit you 😁

It got him to respect me a whole lot more

but I really had to flip that switch and start to think and act like a bloke . Martyr no more.

AnneElliott · 22/11/2023 21:19

I'd be going with the kids without him. Even better if it was somewhere he really wanted to go as well. YANBU op.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 22/11/2023 21:37

RosyDawn · 22/11/2023 20:55

Tell him you’d also booked something to do that weekend without telling him. So that he’ll have to be responsible for the children those days (as your thing means they can’t be with you).

See what he says.

I was going to suggest the same.

Tell he's had numerous days to himself and long weekends, to you booked a trip for yourself at that time as you know he should be able to take responsibility for his own children for once. So he needs to cancel his trip. It's your turn.

notprincehamlet · 22/11/2023 21:38

Paris Roubaix? That's punishment enough!

Bringmetea1234 · 22/11/2023 21:44

Was going to ask if it’s Paris Roubaix too. My DH wanted to go last year, so we all went and had a city break in Lille and had a great time. Loads of non cycling stuff to do.

AuntieStella · 22/11/2023 21:48

RosyDawn · 22/11/2023 20:55

Tell him you’d also booked something to do that weekend without telling him. So that he’ll have to be responsible for the children those days (as your thing means they can’t be with you).

See what he says.

That ship's sailed.

He knows there isn't anything booked, just a thwarted hope for a second family holiday.

I agree about not putting up with default parenting. Not this specific event (as we can't tell it's importance on the info OP is happy to share) but rather the rest of the pattern of his activities. If he gets regular time to himself (which is actually a good thing) then OP should get be getting the same amount. And if there isn't enough time to fit in that amount for two, he needs to scale back until there is

Tinkerbyebye · 22/11/2023 21:55

I would tell him that you are all coming with him, go and enjoy yourself whilst he cycles the meet up at night, hence spoiling his fun with his buddies!

rwalker · 22/11/2023 22:05

problem with events like this there fixed dates and have to fit in with other people so there isn’t a compromise you ether go or you don’t

so this isn’t your main holiday and it’s in the uk
could he not join partway through

ApiratesaysYarrr · 22/11/2023 23:24

Neolara · 21/11/2023 22:11

Just to clarify, it's not the only family holiday. We'll go away in the summer as well. But for the last few years, we have also gone away somewhere in the UK for a week over Easter.

Show quote history

Well, this is different then. Booking in a way block the only family holiday for the year is very different from booking to block one of the holidays.

AuntieStella · 22/11/2023 23:35

Tinkerbyebye · 22/11/2023 21:55

I would tell him that you are all coming with him, go and enjoy yourself whilst he cycles the meet up at night, hence spoiling his fun with his buddies!

OP doesn't say this trip is with his buddies (that's why a couple of us have been wondering if it's a specific "rite of passage" grand fondo event). Perhaps she'll return to the thread at some point to clarify.

The buddies are the ones he cycles with alternate weekends, and with whom he goes away for a weekend every couple of months.

So is OP having time to herself on the alternate weekends? And one weekend every couple of months to do something with friends?

Dixiechickonhols · 22/11/2023 23:39

I’d book a nice trip for you and teens.
Going forwards I’d definitely have a ‘hobby’ and take yourself off leaving him to ferry teens around equivalent time to he gets.

disappearingfish · 22/11/2023 23:45

Just make your own plans and go without him. Selfish man.

MajesticWhine · 22/11/2023 23:49

I would 100% book something without him. You will have a lovely time.
Whatever you do don't tag along to the race destination. Been there done that. That kind of thing is boring as hell. And it will be all about him.

minipie · 23/11/2023 00:10

You had my YANBU at the words DH and cycling.

I agree that you’ve kind of created this monster however by being a low demand wife who is cool about weekend cycling…

Don’t book something without him, swap the holiday to May half term instead. And definitely book your own weekend away (ideally on a cycling weekend).

Doteycat · 23/11/2023 00:34

Jesus fucking wept.
Why are these wankers tolerated.
He would have no wife to come back to in this house.
More absolute low standard husbands being accepted as ok.
Wake the fuck up and bin these selfish wastes of space.

Codlingmoths · 23/11/2023 00:42

BrendaBicycle · 22/11/2023 21:16

Careful that you aren’t trying to hard to be the “cool wife” OP

been there, done that, but then I was a bit stupid. DH had a massive time consuming hobby which he only developed once we had kids (strange how men suddenly find important hobbies that take them away from home for hours, days, weeks) and I was the cool wife, low maintaince, not demanding or difficult like other women…..

things only got worse! So when the kids were at secondary I told DH I was going to act like man from now on: booked trips away with friends, found a new hobby, signed up for tournaments with no regards to whether the dates impacted on DH plans. He went away for a weekend? Then so did I. He did not like me “keeping score”, I said: yes I bet it does not suit you 😁

It got him to respect me a whole lot more

but I really had to flip that switch and start to think and act like a bloke . Martyr no more.

Yep, not a cool wife here and have still had to put up with much more than I should.

Sayitaintso33 · 23/11/2023 03:02

AuntieStella · 22/11/2023 23:35

OP doesn't say this trip is with his buddies (that's why a couple of us have been wondering if it's a specific "rite of passage" grand fondo event). Perhaps she'll return to the thread at some point to clarify.

The buddies are the ones he cycles with alternate weekends, and with whom he goes away for a weekend every couple of months.

So is OP having time to herself on the alternate weekends? And one weekend every couple of months to do something with friends?

Show quote history

I suppose people and families vary. Working log hours Monday to Friday, I wanted to be with the children at weekends. When they were young they obviously went to bed early so it was nice to have evenings to myself. And with baby sitters out of our budget, it was nice to have partner babysit so I could have evenings out. We were pretty 50/50 on this - which I realise is the point many people are making.
Things change as they age. They develop independence and as a result I has more free time on the weekends, but as long as they wanted to be with me I wanted to be with them. I wasn't being a martyr or cool wife. I wanted to be with the kids much more than my partner did.

jlpth · 23/11/2023 03:38

Just go on holiday without him.

your kids will know which parent was always there for them and which was worshipping himself/his bike.

you shouldn’t be a low maintenance or cool wife. You should expect him to put the best interests of the family as a whole before his own obsessions.

my friend’s dh does this. I look at him and think how utterly selfish and self absorbed he is. It’s no wonder 2 of his 3 grown up kids don’t speak to him.

Thisisridiculous321 · 23/11/2023 03:44

I would just go without him. He should have discussed it with you first. But don’t miss a holiday because of it. Maybe book something all inclusive. Bonus points if he will be disappointed to miss it.

Elastica23 · 23/11/2023 03:52

Being the only adult with teen kids on holiday really isn't that fun.

I get on with DDs really well so I and then would find it fun. I'd definitely take them somewhere else without him while he goes off and shrinks his balls further.

Zanatdy · 23/11/2023 03:55

Well it’s no surprise is it, many men just assume women will be the default parent. My ex helps out when he can, including going away for 7yrs in total in 14yrs of my DD’s childhood (son to few years older). The rest is for me to pick up. And then people wonder why marriages break down with resentment. I’d book a weeks break and he can join if he can, inbetween polishing his blooming bike

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/11/2023 03:57

jlpth · 23/11/2023 03:38

Just go on holiday without him.

your kids will know which parent was always there for them and which was worshipping himself/his bike.

you shouldn’t be a low maintenance or cool wife. You should expect him to put the best interests of the family as a whole before his own obsessions.

my friend’s dh does this. I look at him and think how utterly selfish and self absorbed he is. It’s no wonder 2 of his 3 grown up kids don’t speak to him.

And the men wonder why.