To think it’ll be fine to work full time with a baby

[firstlittlebub]

I think I will likely take around 10 or 11 months off for maternity leave.

Pretty much everyone I know has either gone very part time or decided to be a SAHM after maternity leave. I don’t know how I’ll feel until the time, of course, and can’t pretend to know what it’s like to have to leave your baby in childcare. I am currently on slightly over 30k so if I dropped part time that would obviously be a lot less money. We also would like to move to a bigger house when interest rates have stabilised so it’s perhaps better to be a two income household.

We have offers of family help plus DH is a shift worker so we are hoping we will only need to use a childminder two days a week, maybe three.

However, please be honest - is it insanely difficult and miserable if both you and DH work full time and have to navigate that around a little one? I have heard other people say time over money any day of the week. That is true, you want to be there and spend time with your child as much as possible I guess. I just don’t know if that’s smart long term, given pensions & holidays and just life really!

I've done all three (f/t, p/t,sahm) I personally hated f/t and being a sahm. F/t was knackered all the time, hardly saw the baby/kids, no quality of p0family life, shite social life, shit sex life, tired and under par at work. SAHM was relentless, sometimes boring (though often out with friends so not so bad) and not very stimulating. P/T was perfect enjoyed the break of going to work but got lots of time with the DC when little (which went in a flash now they are all old). We sacrificed some material stuff (bigger house, nice car, new clothes, new shit) but always prioritised holidays (not flash ones just time away!). But it's up to you to decide where your priorities lie. Lots of my friends now husband and them have both dropped a day at work. Impact less on woman's career both responsible/time to bond with kids.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I stayed home then went PT and don't regret that, but can definitely see the benefits of going back FT. Keeps things more equal between you and your partner. Make sure domestic stuff is shared fairly and he knows he has to take equal time off for illnesses etc.

I posted earlier but wanted to come back with some points about sleep.

DS has never been a good sleeper. He’s 2.5 now and we’re lucky if he only wakes up once in the night.

When I went back at 6 months he was still waking atleast 3 times a night. I think this peaked at around 5/6 times a night when he was 9/10 months old. We still worked full time, life went on, you get used to it. I was still good at my job.

DH shared the wake ups as much as he could, in the early days this was doing the first few wake ups until the breastmilk I’d pumped in the day ran out and then I’d do them. Later on when he was old enough for cows milk we’d do one night on one night off.

I agree. In fact, I think it's healthier when women do also find fulfillment outside of motherhood. This of course does not mean that a women can not choose to stay at home if that is what she enjoys and it works for her family. However, I think it is vital that in these situations a woman still pursues her own interests and hobbies. I have seen in my Mum's group of friends a couple of women who failed to do this and as a result will spend their entire time obsessing over what their adult children are doing and feeling down because they are yet to have any Grandchildren. Yes, we should all strive to give our children the best, but that does not mean a parent can not be their own person too.

OP, there are pros and cons to being a working parent. There are pros and cons to staying at home. No way is right or wrong.

So many parents do this. It's hard to know how you will feel until the time comes, tbh. Logistically it can be tiring to juggle everything, and you may feel guilt even if you are confident in your choice.

I was lucky and had a year of mat leave. My daughter thrived from day 1 at nursery (she had just turned 1), and we were confident in our choice of setting. The staff loved her as if she was their own, and definitely gave her more stimulation than I would have been able to alone. It helped us build our village. But this isn't the case for everyone.

For me, I benefitted from it- I need the adult interaction and intellectual stimulation my work provides. I am also lucky as I have a very flexible job,an understanding boss, and WFH 99% of the time. Not everyone is suited to being a SAHM (I massively admire those who are as it's hard!), and I am just one of those people.

Even my parents- who were sceptical about the whole thing- eventually realised that it was the best arrangement for our family. You need to do what is best for your family- financially, emotionally etc- based on the situation you are in, the needs of your family and your feelings. If you take that into account, you can't really go wrong.

I went back ft with both of mine, when they were about 10 months old. I was earning about the same amount as you when my eldest was a baby. We chose a cm over a nursery which is often a good choice if you find a good one. Ours cared for our eldest until he went to secondary school and youngest is still with her!

Of course it's doable. But I think I'd have really struggled if my dh hadn't been a father and a dh who did his share of everything - drop offs, pick ups, cooking, cleaning, everything.

And prepare yourself for the emotional load. Women especially suffer from burnout from trying to do everything and spreading themselves too thin. They often end up taking a disproportionate amount of life admin, on top of everything else.

I vividly remember getting stuck late at work because of an emergency, being unable to contact the cm due to a very demanding (female!) boss and being late to collect ds. I hadn't packed him enough food for me being late and of course the cm didn't know when I'd be there. When i arrived he was eating a satsuma to keep him going. The guilt was terrible.

A very important but often overlooked advantage though was that my career didn't stall and my earnings increased. By the time my youngest was 3, I was able to afford to drop to 4 days a week. It meant I was around more not only to spend more time with dd before she started school, but I was around more for my eldest as he transitioned to secondary school and teenage years. By that time my job was almost entirely home working, too - so we all benefited from having no travelling time.

If you're a well organised person with a very supportive and hands on dp/ dh then you'll be fine. The kids will also be fine. If it's what they're used to, they have no comparison. I have never scrimped on affection and we've had busy weekends and holidays spending lots of time doing great things as a family. They're lovely kids, very sociable, largely confident and we're very close at 13 and 7.

This is very true. When I first went back to work after the eldest, he was the only grandchild so everyone was fighting over him to offer childcare so I did four longer days work a week.
Now there are 8 Grandchildren so it's much tougher to juggle everything so I dropped down to 3 days so we could always manage one of us to be there.

It's doable if you have a routine but when something goes wrong, baby is poorly or childcare let's you down, it is very hard. Don't do it unless you really have to.

People do it without any family support. We lived in a different country to all family when we had DS. For the first eight years of his life, every hour he wasn’t with DH or me or at school was paid for childcare and we both worked FT. Most of our friends were in the same situation. I can’t imagine restricting where you lived for family childcare. That would seriously limit your life..

I went back 3 days after 6 months and full time after 10. It’s absolutely fine.

To add, no immediate family on either side close - 2hr drive at least - but they would be there if we needed them for a few days illness etc. Both teachers too so no chance of wfh/flexible hours! But maybe we’ve been lucky, only had chicken pox to contend with so far!

Personally it would be too much for me. I have no help and the nursery costs would be astronomical. I work three days and have two days at home with dc where i also manage to catch up on housework, shopping and so on. It's a good balance. But if you have no choice but to work full time you will make it work.

Don't feel bad, whatever you decide to do will take in to account you, your children, your family.
1st I went back to 3 days at first but it wasn't sustainable, as I'm the main earner. Increased to 4.5 days compressed into 4 once they were maybe 2, which was doable.
2nd I've gone back to 4 days when he was 8 months. It will be fine routine wise once we are into it, but I'm knackered with a long commute, teething, sickness in both children etc. but I know this stage wont be forever. Also finances wise we have no luxuries at the moment, managed a UK camping holiday so grateful for that but we won't be able to have a bigger holiday until I'm back to full time. Also still breastfeeding and pumping at work is a ballache, but do-able, as I do push back on demands of the role I work in.

You've got to do what you've got to do. For me personally it's been a balance of earning enough, not spending too much on childcare, maintaining some degree of career for the future and spending time with children whilst they're small. If I had minimal commute, family support etc I think I could do 5 days, we would definitely be better off financially!

I have two under three and work full time. Working part time isn't the done thing where I live so I know very few people who work part time.

And in my experience, in my line of work anyway, if you work part time you still end up having to answer calls and respond to emails on your days off so you may as well get paid for full time anyway.

Mumsnet isn't the right place to ask this question though because these threads always attract a nasty and very determined contingent of women who aren't secure in the choices they made and feel the need to validate them by suggesting that mothers who put their young children in childcare don't love them as much as mothers who stay at home and that children who go to nursery or a childminder before the age of 19 are emotionally damaged.

Depends on your job and how well your baby sleeps to how easy it is. We have many parents drop off with us with quite young babies (under year to 18mths) who have had very broken nights and are struggling with full time work and caring for their baby. Money is obviously very important but I'd say if a parent can drop hours during the preschool years it might help the smooth running of home.