To think it’ll be fine to work full time with a baby

[firstlittlebub]

I think I will likely take around 10 or 11 months off for maternity leave.

Pretty much everyone I know has either gone very part time or decided to be a SAHM after maternity leave. I don’t know how I’ll feel until the time, of course, and can’t pretend to know what it’s like to have to leave your baby in childcare. I am currently on slightly over 30k so if I dropped part time that would obviously be a lot less money. We also would like to move to a bigger house when interest rates have stabilised so it’s perhaps better to be a two income household.

We have offers of family help plus DH is a shift worker so we are hoping we will only need to use a childminder two days a week, maybe three.

However, please be honest - is it insanely difficult and miserable if both you and DH work full time and have to navigate that around a little one? I have heard other people say time over money any day of the week. That is true, you want to be there and spend time with your child as much as possible I guess. I just don’t know if that’s smart long term, given pensions & holidays and just life really!

Eh? We both work full time and so does virtually every other couple we know.

It only really works though if you have some flexibility at work and enough money to pay for childcare when you're working.

I don't know any SAHP and only one mum who works p/t. Not even in my parents' generation.

We've all managed to raise kids, so of course it's possible. It can be a bit hard when they are babies because of the sleepless nights, but it passes.

You definitely aren't alone.

I went back at 12 weeks with DC1 and I'm having twins this time and will be going back at 12 weeks again.

Your children will go to school at five - so won't need you around for most of the weekdays then - and likely leave home when they're 20 or so. All the mums I know who gave up work are sad when their kids go to school, and bereft when they leave home entirely.

I think it's important to have a full life - family, kids, work - and will long term make you happier when your children leave home.

I'm back at work full time, I miss my 11 month old loads but I'm still her favourite person. I WFH one day a week and she's at home then so I see it as three days with me in the home, four days being apart.

I miss her terribly but she is very happy with childcare - and our evenings are so lovely as I spend my entire time playing with her until she goes to sleep ❤️

I wouldn’t want to work FT without a FT nanny, but that’s circumstantial (SEN child and 2 “big” careers). It’s a constant struggle - mostly against tiredness! I think you might need more in the way of childcare than you are planning for, from your OP.

It depends on your job type and commute, but full-time working mums are not unusual. I went back to full-time work after 10 months' maternity leave.

Personally i found it hard during the first 2 years. It was because both DH and I were working our arse off to progress our career, and we bought a new house within 1 month of me going back to work. DS got lots of illness as all kids do when they start nursery. Full-time nursery is expensive and we didn't have grandparents' help.

Recently I listened to a talk by a very very influential woman - think along the lines of female CEO. She worked the equivalent of normal full time hours when her two kids were small. What struck me was she said to make it work, you need a robust system to cover unexpected childcare needs. She had extra baby sitters and both sets of parents to support them (her husband was also a CEO). I reflected on this and realised this was why we were so stressed back then. Because we didn't have a robust enough system to cover unexpected events. DH never sat down and talked to his parents about DS's childcare arrangements. We ended up doing everything ourselves while holding down stressful jobs. Also my work was not supportive and wouldn't give me any flexibility of working from home.

Returning to work full-time is absolutely possible especially if you have a supportive employer and additional childcare support from family. It is still possible without these things but your life will be much harder.

So it depends on your circle and the types of jobs they have. My DH has always been the higher earner. Extremely irregular hours, working away, long long shifts, night shifts, all mixed up and ad hoc, no working from home until very recently. I could not count on him to do any regular childcare whatseover, minimal family help, annd wasn't prepared for me to the one left to do ALL the house and childcare stuff on top of a virtually minimum wage FT job with no flexibility. It would seriously have broken me. So I SAH for 3 years.

Luckily his salary just about covered our bills. Barely - there were no treats or expensive outings for a few years. But we got through till I went back to work. That was nearly 20 years ago. I have no idea how most people in a similar position would manage to do that these days with the ridiciulous housing costs and cost of living, so I feel lucky to have had that choice at the time as it kept me sane. I could have course outsourced childcare and got a nanny, got a cleaner, gardener etc if I'd wanted to go back to work. IF our household income after adding in my salary had allowed it. But it wouldn't have as I would have been returning to a low paid after moving areas. Bills were covered and that's all.

I am married to a generous man who recognised the value of what I did, and who isn't financially abusive, made sure I got my "me time" when I could, encouraged me to go out with friends, didn't take the piss with weekend hobbies etc and who pulled his weight in the house when he could, and he's always been a very hands-on dad. I know that isn't the case for everyone from haing read so many accounts of deadbeat dads on here.

All family set ups are different and will need different ways of working. It is just a shame that these days a little bit of the choice has been taken out of it due to the high cost of just keeping a basic roof over your head.

I hope you find a set up that works for you and your family, OP.

I agree with PP that robust childcare is a must.

DC1's childminder was excellent in many, many ways. I was tempted to send DC1 into work and I would stay with the childminder.

Childminder retired so DC2 went to a different CM. Okay but never as good as the first one.

Having DH as SAHP when DC3 arrived was the best decision for us. DH is so much better at organising our lives than I am. Left to me we would have had to live off what the cat could catch.

I went back to work when he was 6 months and he went to nursery. It's hard work but you get through it and get into a routine.

I went back full time after my first turned one. He loved nursery and was completely fine.

He did decide to stop sleeping through at the same time so it was tough for about a year until sleep improved again.

Me and my partner both work full time and we have a 16 month old. My partner is in the office once a month and I work 2-3 days a week at home. My LO is in nursery full time and seems to love it.

Our emergency childcare is PGF which is really essential as our LO has been sent home on a few occasions.

it would be difficult to both work f/t in the office imo. You need an employer who is flexible .

Forgot to add, you need a partner who is fully on board and do his fair share of cooking and cleaning .

It's hard to know at this stage.
I'm sure the baby will be ok
It's you id wonder about, esp if baby not sleeping well full time work would be exhausting

Agree with this plus night waking.

Something which worked for us was having one night on and one night off.

It was much easier doing a full day's work after broken sleep knowing that the next night you would be able to sleep through.

I'd just like to say there is nothing wrong with a mother (or father, but the focus on returning to work is, as ever, focussed on mothers) wanting to return to her job.

Also, I don't know any family at present who have a stay at home parent. I went back when my daughter was 12 weeks (this was 3 years ago) due to finances. However, her dad and I worked and still work 4 on 4 off opposite each other. If you're worried about nursery would this be an option? I had to take a step down for the shift pattern but ended up better off than if we paid for childcare and now much better off following a promotion.

Oh, also I breastfed until the age of 3 so didn't affect us there either.

you feel like you have two lives and there arent enough hours in the day
i was full time for 3 months
can you try and then go part time if it doesnt work?

I went back @ 4 days/30 hours when DS was 8 months old and FT when he was 11 months old. I didn't really have a choice if I wanted to pay the mortgage/bills so there's no point beating myself up about it. DS is fine

It's so hard to judge before baby is here. I wouldn't have been able to go back full-time after dd1 (I was also pregnant with ds when she was 6 months) because she just didn't sleep well and I wouldn't have been able to cope with my job. They are little for such a short period of time I simply didn't want to be away from them for longer than I had to. I found being part time gave me a better balance and we bought our house when I was 38 weeks pregnant with ds. I did save for our deposit whilst working full time whilst I was epecting dd1.

It doesn't mean you can't do it, you may well be abel to but you won't know how you feel till baby is here. Also childcare from relatives has to reliable, iron clad even, a childminder might not take your child if the have nausea or vomiting because they have other kids to take care of but would you expect the same of a relative or grandparents?

That wasn't my experience.
Loads of people told me it would be and that I'd be begging to go part time after 6 months.
That never happened and DS is 9 now.

I think it's easier to work full time at nursery stage than school. All children are in year round so never felt guilty about them being there in holidays whereas I did about holiday clubs

Totally depends on the individual situation - the job itself, the support you have and of course the child.

For some it's possible. For me it wasn't. There is no right or wrong it's just what suits you.

you feel like you have two lives and there arent enough hours in the day

This wasn't my experience, I found each "life" gave me a respite from the other enabling me to be the better mum at home and better worker at work as I appreciate both more; I was grateful to be with adults at work challenging myself, but I appreciated getting home and seeing my baby. I went from the despair of PND to a happy, functioning adult going back to work full time. And this was when I was pretty junior in quite a restrictive role, it would be a breeze with the level of seniority and flexibility I have now.

DT’s started full time nursery from six months and we used breakfast, after school and holiday clubs. They loved the clubs - hated it when we turned up early to collect them. It meant more time with their friends and lots of different activities over the school holidays.

well i had a 2 hour commute each way, so far from ideal