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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’ll be fine to work full time with a baby

140 replies

firstlittlebub · 21/11/2023 16:52

I think I will likely take around 10 or 11 months off for maternity leave.

Pretty much everyone I know has either gone very part time or decided to be a SAHM after maternity leave. I don’t know how I’ll feel until the time, of course, and can’t pretend to know what it’s like to have to leave your baby in childcare. I am currently on slightly over 30k so if I dropped part time that would obviously be a lot less money. We also would like to move to a bigger house when interest rates have stabilised so it’s perhaps better to be a two income household.

We have offers of family help plus DH is a shift worker so we are hoping we will only need to use a childminder two days a week, maybe three.

However, please be honest - is it insanely difficult and miserable if both you and DH work full time and have to navigate that around a little one? I have heard other people say time over money any day of the week. That is true, you want to be there and spend time with your child as much as possible I guess. I just don’t know if that’s smart long term, given pensions & holidays and just life really!

OP posts:
pointythings · 21/11/2023 16:54

I went back full time at 6 months with both of mine - that was all the maternity leave you got back then. They were in full time nursery. They are both capable, loving, normal human beings. As long as you spend time with them when you're together, it's all good.

Original poster
firstlittlebub · 21/11/2023 17:01

pointythings · 21/11/2023 16:54

I went back full time at 6 months with both of mine - that was all the maternity leave you got back then. They were in full time nursery. They are both capable, loving, normal human beings. As long as you spend time with them when you're together, it's all good.

Thanks, this is good to hear

OP posts:
TheCompactPussycat · 21/11/2023 17:02

Well it's easy to argue that time with your kids is better than more money if you are not needing to scrape around for pennies at the end of the month.

Like the PP, I went back full-time after each of mine at 6 months as that was the extent of paid mat leave. I'm not going to tell you it was easy because it wasn't, but we made it work. Quality time with your children is as good as good as quantity. Mine are young adults now and they have grown into perfectly lovely human beings.

AmyFFismyhomegirl · 21/11/2023 17:02

I was a single mum with a three month old when I went back. Totally doable. He's 19 now and hasn't suffered from the experience as far as I can see!

MujeresLibres · 21/11/2023 17:02

The thing I found hardest was that you don't know what kind of night you're going to have, and having that night after night and still having to go to work is tough.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 21/11/2023 17:03

I know plenty of women who work full time with young children, myself included.

jeaux90 · 21/11/2023 17:04

I'm a lone parent and went back at 5 months. As a PP said the killer is the sleep deprived nights for most, I co-slept with my DD until she was 4 so avoided this issue.

Isthisexpected · 21/11/2023 17:05

It will be fine of course. But realistically, your baby will spend more of their precious life determining 1001 days with someone else. In some cases, this is for the best. In others it means a baby misses out on having all the fantastic building blocks from their primary caregiver. I also have friends who say I barely see my child because they're in wrap around care and then are so exhausted they're in bed by 7. Only you can decide and you won't know for certain until baby is here.

grafittiartist · 21/11/2023 17:05

I actually think it's easier to do it when they are a baby- primary school is a right juggle.
That's not looking at costs though.

spriots · 21/11/2023 17:05

I think a lot depends on your job.

Personally I find working days a lot less tiring than days with my kids but I have an office job which I find really interesting and absorbing.

If I was going down the mine every day, it might be different

Kitkat1523 · 21/11/2023 17:06

Totally doable as many mums will tell you….I went back full time with my first 2 at 3 months both time

StripeyDeckchair · 21/11/2023 17:06

I went back FT when Dts were 5 months - needed the money as their deadbeat father did fuck all
Left him & moved closer to my family for a significant pay increase & did a major building project to the new house all working FT

It was tough but you get into a routine. It's only when that failed (eg illness) that it became overwhelming

Let's face it lots of people have no choice, they have to work, especially with the COL crisis

Goingthere · 21/11/2023 17:06

I returned full time after maternity leave and my husband also works full time. I wouldn't say it's insanely difficult and certainly don't think any of us are miserable. There are some logistical challenges, yes, but you soon get into a routine and it will work out. Obviously I have never worked part time, so I have no direct comparison, but we are happy.

NewYorkBride · 21/11/2023 17:08

I've worked full time as a single parent since DD was ten months. First 4 years were okay- tough but I made it through. Now she's at school it's a constant struggle and I've actually been signed off sick and am totally burnt out.

Teatrayderby · 21/11/2023 17:09

I work 50-60 hour weeks but I work flexibly around DC (work before they get up, after they've gone to bed to make up hours). It's doable but you get tired and 0 downtime. A standard 36/37 hour week would be very manageable especially if you can flex hours so you get to spend mornings and afternoon/evenings with them.

Heronwatcher · 21/11/2023 17:09

What’s your job- how many hours do you do? Do you have a big commute? Will family members be prepared to commit to regular days or will it be a case of asking every 2 weeks.

Other things to think about, what will you do if your DC is ill? Or the family member is ill? What about things like nursery shows, parents mornings, when older school assemblies, trips, after school activities (which often start at 4/5 pm), swimming lessons, play dates, gootball matches, school holidays.

How type an are you? Will you be fuming if your family don’t follow your instructions to the letter? What about missing milestones like first steps, talking etc- would this bother you?

For me I went part time when my first was born and went back full time when my youngest started school- a period of about 10 years. But even though I am full time now I have compressed hours (meaning 1 day off every 2 weeks), I work from home 50% of the time and my partner does 2 days a week.

I really valued the extra day off when they were babies (they only went to nursery 3 days a week) and we’ve never had to use a nanny, or after school clubs more than 1/2 evenings a week. But we had no family support for various reasons and my job is very full on. I think having both parents work full time will mean a lot of pressure on the wider family who offer help so I’d want to make sure that that offer is rock solid. Plus their childhoods are over so quickly and I’m going to be working till I am about 80 so I was happy for my career to plateau for a bit TBH.

Wallywobbles · 21/11/2023 17:10

I went back at 13 weeks which is standard in France. It was fine. Hard work but fine. I did 4 days a week. Same with no 2.

Peccary · 21/11/2023 17:11

Any chance of compressed hours? I did this until DD was in school as it was nice to have one day a week together

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/11/2023 17:11

I went back full time at 3 months with DS. Staying at home wasn't for me at all which is absolutely fine. Women are allowed to be fulfilled by more than motherhood.

Babyenroute · 21/11/2023 17:13

DH also took paternity leave but both of us went back full time when DS was 1. It's hard at first but you get used to it. Good reliable childcare is a must

greenmarsupial · 21/11/2023 17:14

grafittiartist · 21/11/2023 17:05

I actually think it's easier to do it when they are a baby- primary school is a right juggle.
That's not looking at costs though.

I agree with this. At nursery there is someone to give them a cuddle and somewhere to sleep. Primary is much more bitty.

Having said that, it's hard to know the emotional pull that leaving your baby has. Mine had to go at 6 months which I find heartbreaking but settled beautifully and are very well-adjusted and loving children.

PinkRoses1245 · 21/11/2023 17:15

Every mum I know works full time or mostly full time, I’m surprised by what you say. Depends on your job, mine is easier by some WFH and flexible hours; and DH is the same. If you want to get another mortgage or have another kid it’s better to stay full time so you can borrow more / get more maternity pay.

DisquietintheRanks · 21/11/2023 17:16

I worked full time for nearly a year when ds1 was a baby and hated not being with him so much I then became a SAHM for the next 4 years - and that was most definitely not the "plan" when I was pregnant!

Anyway of course you can do it, it doesn't have to be awful (a lot depends on your work and the location and flexibility of your childcare arrangements) but ultimately you won't know what you want til you get there.

PinkRoses1245 · 21/11/2023 17:16

And you’re protecting yourself, I’d never risk relying on someone else financially. And what if your DH lost his job or couldn’t work.

Theduchy · 21/11/2023 17:16

I went back full time when my DD was 9 months out of necessity. DH went part time (3 days) for a couple of months and then she started nursery. She had a mixture of nursery and grandparents. Not going to pretend it was easy at first. I missed her terribly. But she's 7 now and we have the best relationship. She is amazing. I'm part time ATM with DS who's 1 and finding that harder!