Aibu to not expect the school to educate my dc?

[Christmascarolle]

Met a teacher friend for coffee, her child is 11 like mine & are in the same class both would be high achieving.
I mentioned to my friend that I do extra at home with my dd, she has extra maths, literacy, geography & history which she really enjoys doing & reads lots in her spare time.
My teacher friend said she shouldn't be doing this extra work that it's up to the teacher & school to educate the children in their care.
I disagree as there is 30 in a class & all different levels. My dd enjoys going beyond the basics & is thriving in school.
Aibu or is the teacher friend? (according to my child the teachers daughter does lots of extension work with her mum. She never mentioned this to me just criticised me for going the extra mile with my child!)

My middle child was at grammar school - they got relatively minimal homework. They had a policy of only giving necessary homework. He has an excellent memory and the exam system is predominantly a test of memory, so he did not need any more.
My youngest who is SEN needs extra homework and support. He is now year 11 and complains bitterly - but he won’t pass his exams if we don’t.

I highly doubt that a teacher would say what you have reported.

Well she did, I was surprised by her attitude too hence my thread . As it turns out she has been doing extention work with her own dd who is in my dds class. Unless she felt that because she was a teacher she's the only one qualified to help their child. Who knows..

@Christmascarolle I'm still interested in how your school performs and what it's OFSTED is like. Not very well, I assume, as you say it's aiming for "average". It's impossible to say whether any additional work is a good idea, or what that work should be without the additional work should be. One of my children went to a high performing grammar school and had minimal academic homework.My secondary modern child had plenty of academic homework, but less of the "cultural capital" input, so that's what I focussed on for him.

As a teacher I see the dire mess our schools are in after covid and with lack of resources and power to discipline children. I would not assume that your child will receive a good standard of education and therefore agree that anything you do at home is beneficial. Obviously within reason and allowing lots of time for free play, hobbies and relaxing.

If this isn’t just showing off and a genuine question, I would say neither if you are right or wrong. As others have said it depends on the individual child and the wider scenario.

For example: Scenario A. Child is bright, second ‘best’ in the class even, tutored daily by parents and has no time for fun activities and under constant pressure from competitive parents to perform- clearly unreasonable.

Scenario B. Child bright, again one of the best of the class, enjoys the homework but then seeks out extension activities e.g learning about Tudors in history and asks to research more- maybe a weekend trip to battle of Bosworth . Or doing algebra and parents add a couple of questions to end of the homework. Parents do a good job of contextualising the homework set in a wider environment and aren’t contradicting Teacher and confusing things- clearly reasonable.

The Montessori system is about the child having access to educational materials and following their own interests.

This sounds somewhat similar in providing access to additional information and letting dd do additional work that she herself is interested in.

She won't lose out by having broader interests and knowledge in later years.

If your child is wanting this I would try to stretch them outwith the curriculum, otherwise they might find school boring and stop engaging as well. Musical instruments, reading, visits to museums, sports , performing etc are the way to go and are the things that DC get more time for in the private sector. I have had DC in all types of schools and the main differences between private and state are numbers in the class and extra curricular activities , certainly not amount of homework .in my opinion the most important skills learned at school are social ones ; in the end these are more useful than the odd A+ . It is therefore really essential to foster these and not to do things to isolate a child in any way .

I am no longer remotely surprised by this attitude, although I was surprised the very first time I heard it expressed. Some teachers have supreme confidence that there is absolutely no better path to enlightenment that trotting along in their shadow. Other teachers despair of pupils and tell their parents to get a tutor. And thankfully many teachers are happy to work in partnership with pupils, parents and others to maximise learning opportunities.

Do the extra work. It's good for her.

I have extra education books and tools at home for my five year old to help her. I don't see the problem as long as it's an aid to what they are learning, they enjoy it and aren't overwhelmed by it.
Learning should be at home and school but it also is important for kids to have free time too.
It's finding the balance and like I say your child enjoying it and it being fun x

Yanbu

Ds did have a couple of lessons on Sarurday but they finished at lunchtime and then it was sports. Also half of Wednesday was games and there was also another pe session on another day. The main difference from my experience between state and private is the broader education they provide.

I attended a very good grammar school (although not until year 9), shorter school day than my comp, very little homework or independent study required outside of school, no weekend school (it was stopped in the 80’s) and certainly no holiday projects unless you count looking after the class gerbils.

I think it is much more difficult to help children at secondary particularly as they progress towards gcse as nowadays it's all about keywords and the method. Of course if my dd needs support materials suggested by the school we buy them if she's interested and thinks them worthwhile. Last week my year 11 daughter got out her whiteboard and gave me a lesson on esters and their molecular structure. She then gave me examples to do - I'm almost 60 but she thinks I show promise!

I see a noticeable difference in the attainment of children whose parents are interested and invested in them than those who are not.
Cultural capital really counts. The visit to the library, museums, having books to share, REALLY matters. Reading with your child daily has a massive impact.
Going on walks, noticing the trees, wildlife, rock formation, the weather; it really makes a difference.
Playing games, imaginative play, playing with friends teach invaluable skills.
please note that none of the above require any money just time.

Op, just to clarify my son went to private school and homework or ‘prep’ as they called it was completed at school. Saturday was for sports and Sunday a day for yourself.

Some children enjoy "academic" things for fun. My friend's daughter finds maths workbooks as fun as colouring in.

Developing areas of interest is fine. Supporting areas of weakness is fine- DS goes to tutoring to support his literacy. He's dyslexic, plus has more gaps in his knowledge than his sibling because of losing half of y2 and chunks of y3 during the Covid years and has floundered around random gaps struggling to catch up. His dyslexia assessment revealed a spikey profile so to a teacher dealing with a class of 30 he looks broadly average because he uses his strengths to mask over some of his difficulties. From experience, doing it myself is highly unlikely to be successful, and will be stressful to us both, and it's better to outsource to professionals.

Hothousing for the sake of it is not healthy for the child. Children need time to explore interests, burn off energy, play, socialise and zone out.

Out of school we do sporting activities, and Scouting. DS2 has more capacity to be busy than DS1. Weekends/ holidays don't have commitments and we go out into natural spaces, museums and there's a lot of informal learning. Despite the disadvantages of dyslexia/ dyspraxia, their general skills perform favourably with their peers. They're naturally "bright", curious children and while schooling is important and the obvious pathway to a better range of choices in adulthood, it's part of their learning and school can't fully develop their potential as rounded people.

I'm trying to develop who they are, but not make them be someone that they're not. It's not about them being their best, just helping them thrive.

She wants her child to be the best. That is quite obvious if she is sneakily doing the same as you, but wanting you to stop.

You know your own child and if she enjoys it and wants to do it (rather than you making her) then it sounds like a good thing for your family. My son goes to a very selective small private school (it’s labelled as a gifted school which I hate, but gives you an idea of the standard there). They do have longer days but don’t have more homework than the local comp (and often the longer day is because of sports fixtures), but the difference is that they go into far greater depths with their lessons and the homework is more complex. He is in the 2nd year and there is a noticeable gap already between the sorts of things he learns and the things his friends at non-selective schools are learning. We chose not to have him tutored before he sat the exams, as we felt that it would be best for him to earn a place on his own merit but about 75% of the children who get in were / are tutored. He is a very bright child and if he went to a non-selective school, he would (like your daughter) probably be seeking out extra learning opportunities and we would provide those for him. He also does lots of sports outside of school and enjoys those a lot, so for that reason (and mostly because his academic needs are being met fully in school) we don’t do any extra teaching with him beyond normal informal
conversations about things as they crop up.

Boys were in a prep school so used to get about 1 hour homework a night at 10/11 but mainly focused around maths and english. Both are keen learners so we did educational visits some weekends and holidays to supplement museums, historical sites, theatre/orchestral productions (both play instruments) and they really enjoyed it. I find there seems to be a lot of secrecy around how much time parents spend on education at home. So many times parents would tell me they didn’t even sit with child during homework and yet child would tell you about their Saturday morning lessons for maths and english. Personally if she enjoys it carry on if not see what else engages her and look at developing that. We focus too much on academic success when only some children are academic. This is not a talent above all others. Children that are sporty or artistic or musical are gifted just in a different way so develop those skills so they can be the best version of themselves and maximise their own talents. We need all sorts of skills in life to get everything done.

Loads of homework is not a good thing. You wouldn’t want your employer to give you loads of work in the evenings and on holidays. I think doing extra education at home is great but it needs to be contextual and enriching rather than academic. We sneak a lot of chemistry, physics, anatomy and physiology, neuroscience, maths and literacy just by answering questions, going about our day completing normal tasks and playing games. On a recent thread about school curriculum someone said they never had to calculate the angle of a triangle in their whole life - we practiced a lot of geometry when we built a poly tunnel last summer, for example.

It’s clearly up to parents to educate children fully. The school can only provide the curriculum which is limited.

Your friend doesn't want your DD to outshine hers, that's why she wants you to stop doing extra curricular stuff whilst secretly working with her own DD.
The school curriculum is quite limited ( by necessity,due to time constraints) and so for your child to have a wider understanding she will need to do extra. In history, for example, at secondary school there are huge chunks of British and global history that are not touched on at all, and those topics which are covered are done in an hour a week or less. I imagine the same applies to most subjects, there is never enough time to read around an area. So if you want your child to have a deeper appreciation of a subject, you need to make time to do it at home.
I find it quite odd that a teacher is telling you not to broaden your child's knowledge and understanding .

don’t you mean Aibu to expect the school to educate my child? Your post heading suggests that you don’t want the school to educate your child. is that what you meant?

No she means what she says. She is expecting that the school will NOT educate her child (to the standards she desires) and so she have to do quite a lot at home, over and above what the school does - is she AIBU to do this.