Aibu to not expect the school to educate my dc?

[Christmascarolle]

Met a teacher friend for coffee, her child is 11 like mine & are in the same class both would be high achieving.
I mentioned to my friend that I do extra at home with my dd, she has extra maths, literacy, geography & history which she really enjoys doing & reads lots in her spare time.
My teacher friend said she shouldn't be doing this extra work that it's up to the teacher & school to educate the children in their care.
I disagree as there is 30 in a class & all different levels. My dd enjoys going beyond the basics & is thriving in school.
Aibu or is the teacher friend? (according to my child the teachers daughter does lots of extension work with her mum. She never mentioned this to me just criticised me for going the extra mile with my child!)

Different families approach education differently.
Personally I’d be stretching the extra-curricular aspect and mastery of one outside interest vs classroom material.

It's funny, on the anti-private school posts the comments are always in the ilk of "state + supplementing with tutoring + extra curricular work" is more acceptable than sending a kid to private school. OP is doing that but then getting some criticism for doing so 😁.
@Christmascarolle imo you are correct. DD is in Yr 7 private. School day is 8.30-5pm + 2 x 20 min homework subjects per night. With a class of 30+ there is no way a teacher can meet the needs of all DC in that class and it is usually the top ones who get overlooked as quite rightly the lower ability kids need additional time.
All I would say is that if you are trying to match a private/grammar curriculum then you need to do more sports/arts/drama than you currently are.
At the end of the day it is your child and if she is happy and completing the extra work without cajoling or bribery then it's all good.

I have 2 DC in private, who have been there since Reception, now Y7 and Y10. Y10 had a lot to do over the 2 week October half term, understandably, now he's in a GCSE year. In relation to the Y7, school sent a message to all the parents saying they had worked hard settling in and the school also values rest, so nothing was set for them so they could recharge over the break. Saturday mornings are for sport not school work at DC's school. I wouldn't believe everything your friends say about their DC's private/grammars.

Sounds to me like she is just doing a bit of extra work herself because she likes it?
This is fabulous and should be encouraged. Lots of kids will be working at greater depth, carrying out extension work and reading around topics. Just because the teacher's child isn't, doesn't mean others won't be.

@twistyizzy thanks! Great reply & so true 😁 No cajoling to do the extra work, she's very bookish & really enjoys schoolwork as mad as it seems. There seems to be a culture in her school to get all kids to "average" & nothing beyond that. Abseentism of her teachers this year & in the past has been a big problem so I took it upon myself to fill gaps so to speak.
But the difference in the education, expectations & ambitions of the dc we know who go to private & grammar are a world apart from what my child is getting.

I don't think it unusual but in some circles it is heavily frowned upon to talk about.

We did maths spelling and reading as eldest two started to struggle enough to tell us and affect them but not enough to access extra help from school. We completed the courses/programs even when they got to point they stopped struggling as it was clearly working and youngest wanted to do them as well - I think overlearning helped them with things like timetables.

We also manged to encourage hobbies and do cultural visits like Museums/castles etc fill house with books, watch fun documentaries and let them play outside and just be. There is a balance needed.

Y5 after two year of static maths groups and top 2 all being boys new teacher tested maths ability and top set became all girls - turned out every one of them had had additional help from parent/relative/tutor/online courses as DD1 had. TA who helped her own daughter was vocal that some of that extra work was cheating - subsequently found fair few parents like this heavily frowning on any extras others do while quietly doing it for their own kids.

I wanted mine rock solid in basic maths and as solid as possible in spelling and handwriting - and those do ted to get ignored at secondary - and catching up on Welsh as not born here.

If she not objecting and it's not causing an issue I don't see any problems - I think it helped our younger two to see doing bit extra can really help them long term.

According to my dc the teachers child in her class is doing lots of extension work with her mum but she never admitted it over coffee just criticised me saying it was the schools job!

Sadly that's true yes so to me you are just doing what any invested parent would do. We would do the same.

YABU to do extra ‘lessons’.

The best thing for bright children is access to musical instruments, sport, museums, trips (abroad), conversation, interesting television, a range of reading materials, art materials etc. They can then find something that really fires their imagination.

Kids also need lots of downtime and boredom.

I have had to read the thread title a few times. Yes YABU to not expect the school to educate your child, that is what school is for.

I am in my 50s now and was always academic, I know I was reading and knew my numbers early and was always encouraged to read. But beyond that, no my parents never gave extra support for school work and there was never any need. I would have thought this is something to spend time on with a struggling child.

I do extra work with both my "advanced" child and my child with SEN (so he's great at some stuff and er not at others) it helps them both and teaches them that learning happens everywhere

Exactly this, teach your child practical skills that will be with them for life, teach them resilience, encourage kindness, empathy, teach them financial awareness, teach them about the wider natural world, to identify birds , animals, trees, plants, teach them to garden, teach them about other cultures, listen to music together, learn another language with them if you want to do something academic.

There are so many ways to enrich your child’s life without reducing their success to academic learning for boasting purposes.

It's not for boasting purposes 🙄 I explained my reasons in my posts above.

Nope, just a big fat obvious brag!

The way I see it life experience is the parents dept, academic stuff is the school, unless the child genuinely needs help. I think a lot of parents focus way too much on school based learning and don't introduce their kids into the real world enough, they think it just happens naturally without effort but I don't agree. Expose them to different types of music, art, literature. Involve them in family stuff - they should before adulthood what your mortgage interest rate is or how to budget a weekly shop. They should know about food hygiene and housekeeping skills. They should be able to cook a meal, hang up a picture, write a customer service query, fill out a complicated form, order at a restaurant, do a grocery shop. These are the things IMO that seem to stress people out in young adulthood and need to be guided by a parent when young. I work with very young kids, 3 to 5 so many are 'behind' in basic self care skills yet otherwise bright and articulate. They can count or talk at length about their favourite thing but can't use a tissue properly or open their lunchbox.

I don't think it's wrong and I don't think that overcrowded and understaffed schools can teach children everything they need to know. My dd is having extra maths tutoring because she is so far behind. She just can't catch up in school because she cannot follow a teacher leading a big group. School say she doesn't need any SEN diagnosis as she is only a bit behind and they can meet her needs with normal classroom adjustments. I'm a teacher and I disagree, they are not able to adjust enough. So she has a tutor to try and help her catch up.

My mum also taught me to read and write and I don't remember learning - it's something I always did. And she was told off for it when I got to school.

It's essential for learning to happen at home and it will anyway through observation , experience, mimicking, play, books, TV - you name it, it'll go in. As long as it's interesting and fun it's fine.

It's only when there's an exhausted child with the schedule from hell that it becomes a problem.

Also it's likely this teacher was feeling a bit deskilled - parents, human and animal, have always taught their children but now we have this professional gatekeeping going on!

YANBU - really weird to think it's only the school that can educate children? All the evidence points to home life being a significant indicator of success.

I always did extra reading with DS as books are my passion plus the usual museums and trips etc.

State secondaries are terrible these days. The turnover of staff is horrendous. My ds is in his gcse year and so many teachers are leaving.
We've no choice but to take matters into our own hands now. We get maths tuition and we are sure that ds is doing extra work.
He's able to because that's what he's been used to.
We do all the enriching activities as well.

I don't think you can rely on schools to help your child achieve their potential. At best, they'll coast along.

YANBU. We did lots of "extras" with our son, particularly before he even started at school, he could read & write at a basic level, knew the alphabet, could do basic sums, etc - that came with bedtime reading and playing with traditional toys like flip over alphabet letters and a wooden abacus. He certainly didn't think it was "teaching", he thought it was fun!

Throughout primary school, we just made sure we were on top of things, i.e. making sure he did his homework, practicing times tables with him, ensuring he read at bedtime, helped him learn his spellings etc - i.e. nothing "more" than they were doing in school, but just keeping him at the top of his game.

We were much more hands off at secondary, again, just making sure he did his homework, made sure he revised for tests, helped him learn his MFL vocab for tests etc. The only time we intervened was after a particular bad year 8 in Maths (previously his strongest subject), but they had a crap teacher and he got less than 50% in the year of year test (after getting over 90% in the first year). That Summer between yrs 8 and 9, we got him a CGP book, printed off loads of Maths worksheets etc., for him to work through in the holidays (maybe an hour or so every 2/3 days), to find out his weaker areas, and then we really "hit" his weak spots by some 1-2-1 with us filling the gaps in his knowledge. He flew right from the start of year 9 and was back to 90%+ in the year 9 year end test and then grade 9 at GCSE and A* at A level, and he's just graduated with a First in his Maths degree. So that bit of effort in Summer after year 8 to get him back on track was more than worthwhile!!

Yep💯 only on mumsnet would trying to help your child be called bragging. The mind boggles. I think the law in fact states that parents are their children's primary educators so why give underfunded, overcrowded schools sole responsibility. Rant over!

I mentioned to my friend that I do extra at home with my dd, she has extra maths, literacy, geography & history which she really enjoys doing

Oh aye?

@Butchyrestingface aye👍

School do the vast majority of her education. You just add to it. But school is her main source of education.

Because some people think education should be a race to the bottom and no parent should dare to give their child anything other than the woeful provision in the worst state schools.