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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried about next door's kids

105 replies

NewNeighbour007 · 21/11/2023 01:35

We moved into our new house about 6 months ago. Previously lived on a lovely terraced street with friendly neighbours who welcomed us but now we don't know anyone and no-one has really made much effort to get to know us.

We're now in a semi and our only 'attached' neighbours are a married couple with two boys (I'd guess about 10 and 12). The husband seems 'friendly' enough and is overly chatty (like he'll lean out of his attic conversion and shout conversations down to me if I'm gardening!!!), but I get a shifty 'vibe' from him - something just doesn't feel right. His wife just says hello when she's, say, doing the bins, avoids eye contact or any longer conversations, then scuttles in. We never see the kids play outside.

In the evenings though, we regularly hear shouting (mainly from him, sometimes her) and the kid(s) crying and shouting back.

First time I thought, "Gosh, I'm glad our two aren't that whiny!" but then I started hearing it more and more. Shouting, screaming and howling / crying, quite late into the evenings/night - often once ours are in bed.

And then last week, it happened in school hours. Both parents shouting, kid (just one I think) crying and screaming, really howling, went on for quite a while - it's never just a quick telling off.

My mind started racing: "Why isn't the kid at school? If they are off ill, surely they should be caring for, not shouting at him? Why are the two parents both home anyway? WHY is the child crying so much and for so long? What on earth warrants that much shouting to a child anyway?"

I was beaten as a child (in a detached house, no one heard me scream...) so my mind just goes to a very dark place. It was a real deal-breaker with my husband that we would never hit our children.

It sounds like something bad is happening next door, but I have no proof.

We had a workman round and he heard it too - he actually winced.

I've discussed it with my husband (who had a much more idyllic childhood) and he thinks I'm jumping to conclusions.

Also we're both aware that because we're this family's only neighbours, if we called the police or social services, it would be pretty obvious it was us - and we've still got to live next door to them.

I'm also aware that our own very different childhoods may be influencing our viewpoints on what might or might not be happening.

Our workman said, perhaps next time you hear shouting go knock on the door and ask if everything's OK, so they know we can hear them, but surely that would just make them more careful? (And the guy terrifies me, if I'm honest - despite therapy - it probably triggers me too.)

I keep thinking about those kids and what if anything happened to them?

Am I being unreasonable: 'jumping to conclusions' and should I just keep my nose out?

Or am I being reasonable: to worry about these kids' safety?

More importantly, what on earth would you do?

OP posts:
sleepawakesleep · 21/11/2023 02:03

Do you know which school they go to? If so maybe report your concerns there?

Sholkedabemus · 21/11/2023 02:07

I would have to do something. Perhaps ask the NSPCC for advice?

Codlingmoths · 21/11/2023 02:14

I agree with the school angle. Could you find an excuse to drop around - ‘I made cakes and there are 25 of them, we can’t possibly eat them, but I thought your boys would!’? And casual conversation to ask about things including the school if you don’t know? I couldn’t do nothing.

chappoi · 21/11/2023 02:15

If husband had a more idyllic childhood why is he not more concerned? Unless idyllic means arguing and crying constantly. Priority is protecting the kids. May cause issues but that's what you need to do. If you think those kids aren't being protected it's worth stepping up.

SwedishSchnauzer · 21/11/2023 02:55

Report it anonymously as a passer by

BookishBabe · 21/11/2023 06:55

If seriously worried, then report.

But one child could be a school refuser, which is why both parents are at home trying to get him to go to school. I dont find shouting would be the way to do this but I can imagine the situation would be very frustrating.

My DH is friendly (hopefully not giving off creepy vibes) but I'm not chatty or friendly, but its from anxiety and awkwardness rather than anything else.

BouleBaker · 21/11/2023 07:00

Report it. One report will not automatically trigger anything, but all the reports get seen and reviewed. It could add to school reports with concerns, and doctors concerns and if there are enough concerns then it will trigger some kind of intervention. Google where ypu live and 'MASH' and you should get a contact number or a form to fill in.

TokyoSushi · 21/11/2023 07:06

My DC are 10 & 12, they don't cry, except for a completely valid reason like injury, so the crying by itself at that age is unusual.

I'd agree that it needs reporting, either anonymously or you could try their school. Poor kids.

electriclight · 21/11/2023 07:11

Report it yourself but anonymously. Just say you were passing, or live nearby, or were delivering a parcel. A first hand account will be more powerful than it going via their schools. Social Services will certainly contact the family but be prepared for it not meeting the threshold for anything beyond that.

Believeitornot · 21/11/2023 07:12

Your workman had sound advice.

I would report and yes I would also go around for the simple excuse that the noise is disturbing you. I too had a violent household growing up and I’m very sensitive to it. But there are ways to overcome it.

Your husband might be one of those brush it under the carpet types?

The husband next door seems odd and is probably trying to charm you into thinking it’s all fine. When it clearly isn’t.

MyCircumference · 21/11/2023 07:14

contact nspcc, see what they have to say

Humbugg · 21/11/2023 07:15

Another vote for report it. You could be this child’s life line. They could be being abused and you’re the only one who could help. If you don’t want to directly report I would do the school angle too.

if nothing sinister is going on then no harm in them being checked out. But the opposite doesn’t bear thinking about

kkneat · 21/11/2023 07:20

I would say as suggested about reporting to social care say you were passing by & stopped and listened because of how worrying it was or call the police when it is happening & say the same

PurpleBugz · 21/11/2023 07:34

You have to report it. Safeguarding is everyone's business.

You said the dads extra nice. Mum avoids eye contact. Seems likely he's abusive

MySugarBabyLove · 21/11/2023 07:35

Also we're both aware that because we're this family's only neighbours, if we called the police or social services, it would be pretty obvious it was us - and we've still got to live next door to them.
You could be talking about my neighbours, except the husband isn’t chatty either, but the wife and kids very much scuttle off when they come out.

My neighbours were always rowing next door but sounded more like husband/wife rows iyswim. Then one morning in lockdown I heard him shouting at one of the kids and she was absolutely screaming. I’m not talking crying because of being shouted at but screaming as if something awful was being done to her and from the shouting from him and the thudding and banging I am absolutely certain he was doing something awful to her.

It was over within a couple of minutes but I reported to 101 and social services. And although I did it anonymously I am also their only neighbour so there’s no way they can’t know it was me.

All went quiet around there for a while, and afaik he moved out for a bit. But he’s back now. Things seem quiet with the kids but the parents have had massive rows and I’ve called 999 about them too.

Interesting I posted about it on here at the time and was flamed to hell and back. How I should mind my own business, how I shouldn’t get involved in people’s lives, “you’ve made a judgement based on snapshot,” one person even told me that banging could have been something entirely different and that I’d clearly jumped to conclusions and want to make assumptions so I could think myself better than them.

But frankly I don’t care. If your children are screaming to the point that the neighbour is affected by it then it’s time to take a hard look at your parenting.

remindersofhim · 21/11/2023 07:52

I would report if you're worried. There could be explanations for all you've mentioned, school refusal, working from home, SEN, being a shouty family generally (obviously not ideal but doesn't warrant intervention) but I think it's important to trust your gut.

StrongTea · 21/11/2023 08:01

Wondering if that’s why previous residents moved?

MyCircumference · 21/11/2023 08:16

agree
You have to report it. Safeguarding is everyone's business.

TheJabberwocky · 21/11/2023 08:40

I think maybe some people are leaping to conclusions about domestic abuse purely on the basis that the wife is quiet and the husband over friendly. My husband is very friendly and chatty and will talk to anyone, I actively avoid eye contact because I have social anxiety and don’t want to talk to anyone without prior notice. There’s no abuse.

But the issues with the children do sound concerning. Not the child being at home, maybe he was suspended for the day, but the continuing shouting. It could be that one or the other is a difficult teenager (I speak from experience because I was one and my poor parents went through hell!) and they aren’t coping. Have you ever heard any words? Do you know if the mother is shouting at the child/ren or is she shouting at the husband? That would give more of an insight into the previously suggested marital abuse.
I would speak to the school personally, so it anonymously and say you live nearby. If there are other houses in the street and the shouting is loud then it’s likely you won’t be the only ones to notice. But if there are issues at school then they will already be aware obviously and may be able to support the family. When you see the kids how do they seem? Have they ever been over to play with your kids or are they very different ages?
It’s hard when you have a background as of course you leap to all sorts of conclusions but I’m usually on the side of - if in doubt, so something. Speak to the school or if you feel that is too obvious, then call the NSPCC hotline and ask for advice. You can report anonymously to social services but I’d go down one of the other two routes first.

XelaM · 21/11/2023 12:05

All it takes for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing

Original poster
NewNeighbour007 · 21/11/2023 18:01

sleepawakesleep · 21/11/2023 02:03

Do you know which school they go to? If so maybe report your concerns there?

No idea what school - I asked my kids if they've seen them when they head off or come back and they said no (my two take themselves to school now and as I work from home, I'm not heading out at that time of day). They do not seem to go to the two local schools my two do. I've only seen them getting into a car to be driven one morning at school run time once, ages ago, but as they were in a car I couldn't see what uniform they were wearing, if at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewNeighbour007 · 21/11/2023 18:04

Oh this is a very good idea - thank you. I will have to get baking. The shouting has already started today since about 5pm. It will seem a bit weird perhaps as we've barely spoken in the last 6 months but I can use Christmas season preps as an excuse.

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 21/11/2023 18:07

People like to talk about "trusting your gut" on here - your gut is telling you there's something wrong here. Your report could be the difference between those kids and woman getting beaten up again, and them being safe. If you're wrong and there's an entirely innocent explanation for all the crying and screaming, that's great, you were wrong.

BertieBotts · 21/11/2023 18:11

You can look up the number for the local children's services and report a welfare concern. Or as said, do via police or nspcc. But I think children's services is the most direct route.

I think you should say something to somebody. Like you said, when you were a child it's what you always wished someone would do.

FedUpOfInstaMum · 21/11/2023 18:12

Find out what school they go to and report it there.