Worried about next door's kids

[NewNeighbour007]

We moved into our new house about 6 months ago. Previously lived on a lovely terraced street with friendly neighbours who welcomed us but now we don't know anyone and no-one has really made much effort to get to know us.

We're now in a semi and our only 'attached' neighbours are a married couple with two boys (I'd guess about 10 and 12). The husband seems 'friendly' enough and is overly chatty (like he'll lean out of his attic conversion and shout conversations down to me if I'm gardening!!!), but I get a shifty 'vibe' from him - something just doesn't feel right. His wife just says hello when she's, say, doing the bins, avoids eye contact or any longer conversations, then scuttles in. We never see the kids play outside.

In the evenings though, we regularly hear shouting (mainly from him, sometimes her) and the kid(s) crying and shouting back.

First time I thought, "Gosh, I'm glad our two aren't that whiny!" but then I started hearing it more and more. Shouting, screaming and howling / crying, quite late into the evenings/night - often once ours are in bed.

And then last week, it happened in school hours. Both parents shouting, kid (just one I think) crying and screaming, really howling, went on for quite a while - it's never just a quick telling off.

My mind started racing: "Why isn't the kid at school? If they are off ill, surely they should be caring for, not shouting at him? Why are the two parents both home anyway? WHY is the child crying so much and for so long? What on earth warrants that much shouting to a child anyway?"

I was beaten as a child (in a detached house, no one heard me scream...) so my mind just goes to a very dark place. It was a real deal-breaker with my husband that we would never hit our children.

It sounds like something bad is happening next door, but I have no proof.

We had a workman round and he heard it too - he actually winced.

I've discussed it with my husband (who had a much more idyllic childhood) and he thinks I'm jumping to conclusions.

Also we're both aware that because we're this family's only neighbours, if we called the police or social services, it would be pretty obvious it was us - and we've still got to live next door to them.

I'm also aware that our own very different childhoods may be influencing our viewpoints on what might or might not be happening.

Our workman said, perhaps next time you hear shouting go knock on the door and ask if everything's OK, so they know we can hear them, but surely that would just make them more careful? (And the guy terrifies me, if I'm honest - despite therapy - it probably triggers me too.)

I keep thinking about those kids and what if anything happened to them?

Am I being unreasonable: 'jumping to conclusions' and should I just keep my nose out?

Or am I being reasonable: to worry about these kids' safety?

More importantly, what on earth would you do?

I've been in this situation before and I simply called the emergency line to report. While it was happening anyway, probably the best time to do it so there's proof, as someone will come by and see/hear it themselves. I didn't care if they knew it was me. I just wanted the kids to be okay. I agree with pp- I have a child around that age, a DD and she never cries loudly like that. I can't imagine a situation where it would happen more than once either. I don't know who to tell, but it sounds like the mother and kids need help, and there's no way you can keep hearing it as an abuse survivor yourself.

Just coming on to say any child crying loudly at aged 10 upwards is highly unusual, girl or boy. I have a 10 year old dd and I can't remember the last time she cried like that, maybe when she was about 4 and accidentally opened the wrong flavoured crisps

And definitely not a 12 year old, he'll be in secondary so they'll both be going to different schools.

We are a SEN family and we have massively loud emotional dysregulation and the neighbours must hear it regularly. The fact another school is in the frame suggests they could be too so I would urge you to find a way to find out before you report anyone. People on here saying kids don’t scream at those ages…lucky you.

I don't know any 12 or 10 year olds that would cry and howl for no reason. Maybe if they got injured but not routinely. Next time it happens would your DH knock on their door and ask if everything is ok? If not report. Explain exactly what you hear.

I own my own house, a mid terrace property. An Asian family moved in 3 months ago and they seemed to be working on the house bought by a property developer but they were responsible for doing it up. They are a mum, dad, a girl if about 10 a boy if about 8 and a child under 2. My concern is that the man who calls himself Martin is constantly yelling at his family to the point that they cry, i mean sob. Yesterday, was the last straw. They seem to live in the sun room which is built of single panes of glass which abuts straight onto my own contained roofed sun room. The lack of insulation may not help but i can hear but not understand every noise this family makes. So yesterday, the yelling starts again and is so loud i cannot make any calls because even on the phone or Teams people can hear this family. I had enough and went to tell them to stop. As i walked to the front door. I could see the boy cowering in the car on the back seat. He jumped out and I told him to get him dad. The man blatantly denied the noise and the frightened wife said she heard nothing was I sure it was them! The husband said it must be his son. I said I was not stupid it was not his wife or children but him. He looked at his family and simply said you must be quiet. Again, I said it is you not them. 4 hours later, there is a loud knock on the door. An Asian man comes with his brother and threatens me. Do not speak to him again or I will be back. I asked if he was the landlord as I needed to speak about insulation. He just said I am his brother, he pays rent and can do what he wants. I called the police as I felt threatened. They seemed to panic when I mentioned the landlords name. The kids are barely at school, the dad is always at home. They have a very poor car and I see the wife is out much more these days. When she gets back he absolutely yells at her. They all seem scared. I don’t know if they are modern slaves or what is going on, but for sure the family are suffering because of him. They seem to live in that sun room and it is bare but for a stove? The police have not come yet. I don’t know if I should try the council about the noise or social services but I don’t think I can ignore it? Any advise please

That is so sad and frightening.
I don't live in the UK, so our authorities would be different so I am bumping this for you.
Hopefully someone will be along soon to help.

@soupermum1 I would report it to social services anyway but also ask for a police welfare check next time you hear him kicking off or the children screaming.

OP this.....I also have experience working with SEN adults and my own child has some SEN. People who have experience with SEN know this isn't completely unreasonable noises for children of those ages.

For eg autistic 'stimming'

@soupermum1

How awful.

If they knock on your door next time to intimidate you, don't open the door, if you do, you those chains, use your phone to record them, and then phone the police to report them as squatters.

What probably happened is the landlord hired some man or bunch of men to do up his buy to let house.

One of the builders was struggling to find accommodation/homeless (the man and his family that lives next door to you). So they moved in WITHOUT the landlords permission. At a push the Landlord might probably have only given permission for the guy alone to live there, but definitely not the whole family. Anyone knows you can't get any building work done with kids. Plus health and safety issues and building site risks are compounded with kids in the mix.

That's why those guys sounded panicked when you mentioned landlords name. That's why they are threatening you to be quiet and not cause a fuss or garner attention.

Also, it's possible that they are illegal immigrants, hence why the kids are not in school. The wife does cash in hand job. He does the building job.

Domestic violence, patriarchy, sexism, misogyny are more prevalent in this culture.

I know a bit more about this culture as my ancestry is of the same.

If they make a noise again, try to be there with a big burly man next to you, either your husband, adult son, or a police officer. Don't confront them on your own. You're endangering yourself.

Report your concerns regarding the kids to social services. Say you don't want to be named etc. You fear for your safety etc. But report everything that you hear.

Do you have any way of contacting the landlord? Does another neighbour know their details?

I'd start with getting to know mum and kids abit better first. It's Xmas so perfect time to go around gifting some food and stay for a chat, during the course of which you ask her to come to yours with the kids for a play etc so kids can get to know each other. This starts to open doors for her and you to communicate. Start slowly and once trusted see if the kids can pop over for an hour or so to yours and build it into a conversation re what discipline goes on. You'll gauge it all from their reaction. However this is if you think its not all the time and dangerous if it is then skip all this and report OP. Doesn't matter if he knows it's you, you've helped those kids get on the radar of someone and could end up saving their lives. Having been through it you know as does every other person whose been through it if we can protect just one kid from that hell then some discomfort is worth it. Too many kids being let down and killed every day and suffering because of monsters all around.

Police came and took details if everyone there and reminded him to not intimidate others. Wife has disappeared with the car. Soooo quiet there at the moment. Police said kids were in their room. Noooo furniture. They are at least on the radar and I feel safe. Also updated my ring door bell account. Dont mess with Soupermum! I feel proud of my cape today peeps xx

I’d say to report this to the police. See what they suggest to do. You have a concern and you are right to act on this.

We had neighbours like this once, children came in from school, mother screamed at children. father came in from work he screamed at wife and children. We moved eventually, I don't think any one was hit/injured but it was a nightmare to live next to.

I am coming in from another angle, which is purely medical. I cannot even tell you the emotional effects of facing horror and brutality, that I have faced when treating innocent children. All inflicted by “adults” many direct family members, the “partner” one prevailing trait amongst them all, their blatant disregard, arrogance and fantastic ability to lie.
The child “slipped” “fell” “bruises easily” “brushed against a lit cigarette” you name it I’ve heard it.
So often the physical and mental abuse has been going on for a prolonged period of time.
I can only implore any one to trust your gut feeling, if you feel abuse is going on, then report it. Don’t ignore it, or feel that you’re over reacting.
So many times I think surely the neighbours/friends/other family members must have heard something or noticed something not quite right. Then it turns out the abuser is either a smiling narcissist or a psychopathic bully (sometimes both).

Prevention is better than cure, and sometimes I just can’t cure, and that breaks my heart.

You absolutely have to do something, this is really horrible. Difficult situation but I guess now you’re in this situation you have to ask yourself what would be worse, reporting them and getting some annoyed neighbours, or potentially being one of those neighbours that pop out to the TV cameras after a tragedy and say ‘well I did hear stuff but i didn’t want to intervene or cause trouble’. I personally would contact social services

Weird update. The wife has been away all weekend popping back for a few minutes and parking her car up the road. She has gone again. He is there, i can smell the cooking, but its sooo quiet. Did I help her or are they hiding something. The police took their details and their names and birth dates. ??

You call the nspcc your report might be the last bit of a puzzle that helps the children

PLEASE report, going through the school is a good idea, my blood runs cold when child abuse is in the media and my first thought is always ‘where were the bloody neighbours’, please do something, those poor children are definitely suffering

And in answer to PP saying get to know the mother first, etc, I would honestly say don’t delay, you can go to the school and ask to speak to someone in confidence, if I were you OP I’d be acting on this tomorrow

This is very disturbing

Call the police please, I work in safeguarding and this sounds like abuse.

Please confirm you've done this.

This is really concerning.

To PP with an daughter with ASD - that's totally different, I assume you are not screaming and berating your daughter for hours on a daily basis when she has a meltdown? It's not just the crying kids that is the worry here.

The fact you don't see them, ever, and hear screaming and crying every day is really something that would worry me. I wouldn't bother with school as do they even go to school?

I'd report, I wouldn't do the thing with the cakes. I am not sure if that might backfire somehow.

I also agree that it probably also needs police involved. I'd call next time it happens and also record it.

Report it to children’s social care (reporting phone number for your local authority will be online) just tell them of your concerns . You don’t have to give your details . They have to investigate but this may be as little as one visit or a phone call to the school/other agencies working with the family.

Report it to child services

Definitely report! It is hard though hope you’re okay!