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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried about next door's kids

105 replies

NewNeighbour007 · 21/11/2023 01:35

We moved into our new house about 6 months ago. Previously lived on a lovely terraced street with friendly neighbours who welcomed us but now we don't know anyone and no-one has really made much effort to get to know us.

We're now in a semi and our only 'attached' neighbours are a married couple with two boys (I'd guess about 10 and 12). The husband seems 'friendly' enough and is overly chatty (like he'll lean out of his attic conversion and shout conversations down to me if I'm gardening!!!), but I get a shifty 'vibe' from him - something just doesn't feel right. His wife just says hello when she's, say, doing the bins, avoids eye contact or any longer conversations, then scuttles in. We never see the kids play outside.

In the evenings though, we regularly hear shouting (mainly from him, sometimes her) and the kid(s) crying and shouting back.

First time I thought, "Gosh, I'm glad our two aren't that whiny!" but then I started hearing it more and more. Shouting, screaming and howling / crying, quite late into the evenings/night - often once ours are in bed.

And then last week, it happened in school hours. Both parents shouting, kid (just one I think) crying and screaming, really howling, went on for quite a while - it's never just a quick telling off.

My mind started racing: "Why isn't the kid at school? If they are off ill, surely they should be caring for, not shouting at him? Why are the two parents both home anyway? WHY is the child crying so much and for so long? What on earth warrants that much shouting to a child anyway?"

I was beaten as a child (in a detached house, no one heard me scream...) so my mind just goes to a very dark place. It was a real deal-breaker with my husband that we would never hit our children.

It sounds like something bad is happening next door, but I have no proof.

We had a workman round and he heard it too - he actually winced.

I've discussed it with my husband (who had a much more idyllic childhood) and he thinks I'm jumping to conclusions.

Also we're both aware that because we're this family's only neighbours, if we called the police or social services, it would be pretty obvious it was us - and we've still got to live next door to them.

I'm also aware that our own very different childhoods may be influencing our viewpoints on what might or might not be happening.

Our workman said, perhaps next time you hear shouting go knock on the door and ask if everything's OK, so they know we can hear them, but surely that would just make them more careful? (And the guy terrifies me, if I'm honest - despite therapy - it probably triggers me too.)

I keep thinking about those kids and what if anything happened to them?

Am I being unreasonable: 'jumping to conclusions' and should I just keep my nose out?

Or am I being reasonable: to worry about these kids' safety?

More importantly, what on earth would you do?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 21/11/2023 18:19

And yes, I agree, howling at 10/12 is extremely unusual and concerning. What is making them do that? The only time I ever heard big boys like that cry in that way is when they've been hit or when they're really being laid into verbally. Which is not a "boys shouldn't cry" more of an observation that they generally don't tend to.

Pawtucketbrew · 21/11/2023 18:23

It's so hard. My DD is 11 and has ASD and can go into absolute meltdowns where she will scream and cry and shout that she wants to kill herself etc. We're in a terrace so I'm surprised no one has reported it yet! However I also hope if neighbours were concerned they would talk to me and I would be happy to explain that there are occasions that DD can sound very distressed.

I think you need to trust your instincts though but like pp said, school refuser or SEN could be a potential factor.

Haveyouanyjam · 21/11/2023 18:50

I would definitely report it. If there is nothing nefarious going on they won’t get in any trouble and would probably just explain what was happening, maybe even let you know if they suspected you reported. Much better to report and nothing is going on and things are a bit awkward, than not report it and something awful is going on. It may be that they are all just shouters (kids having learned from the parents…) but you never know.

TheJabberwocky · 21/11/2023 18:56

The other thing you can do OP is call the police when it’s at 11pm. Report it as a domestic and they should attend.

DazedandConfused1234 · 21/11/2023 19:01

SwedishSchnauzer · 21/11/2023 02:55

Report it anonymously as a passer by

This

CloudySlime · 21/11/2023 19:07

Please report it op. I think like you do and would jump to sinister conclusions if I heard this.

Original poster
NewNeighbour007 · 21/11/2023 19:52

Believeitornot · 21/11/2023 07:12

Your workman had sound advice.

I would report and yes I would also go around for the simple excuse that the noise is disturbing you. I too had a violent household growing up and I’m very sensitive to it. But there are ways to overcome it.

Your husband might be one of those brush it under the carpet types?

The husband next door seems odd and is probably trying to charm you into thinking it’s all fine. When it clearly isn’t.

That's just it - my dad was the most charming man, pillar of the community, very friendly...it's just a bit reminiscent. My mum was quiet - but she told me (I asked as an adult), no violence towards her, so I'm not implying domestic violence to my neighbour's wife - but I think, like my dad, he is quite controlling of all his family.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewNeighbour007 · 21/11/2023 21:36

StrongTea · 21/11/2023 08:01

Wondering if that’s why previous residents moved?

No, just a lovely elderly lady who needed to downsize. She'd been here 30+years.

OP posts:
Lilacdressinggown · 21/11/2023 21:40

sleepawakesleep · 21/11/2023 02:03

Do you know which school they go to? If so maybe report your concerns there?

No. The OP needs to take action herself not leave it to the school. What can the school do - report that so and so says that they think they heard…
The OP needs to contact children’s services herself and report what she is hearing in her own words.
Child protection is EVERYONES responsibility. Don’t leave it to other people.

magicofthefae · 21/11/2023 21:43

Use the husbands chatty nature to your advantage, when you give them cakes, ask questions about what school they go to, talk about SEN in some way, e.g. my son/nephew was a school refuser or my son/nephew has meltdowns because autism etc'. Try and gauge what the issue is behind the screams. You'll know from his body language and other stuff if he's acting or saying something shifty.

But I agree, report it anonymously....it's just that with a bit of investigation work, you'll have more to report.

Also, if it turns out to be confirmed SEN by the school etc, then at least your mind can be at ease.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 21/11/2023 21:52

Call social services and blame the work man if anything comes of it.

LostPurpleKipper · 21/11/2023 22:22

What XelaM says. Report it.

Plus if it's just shouty parenting, they might get invited to a parenting course. Everyone is a winner in that case.

I personally wouldn't approach them about it. If he's abusive and aware enough to keep it behind closed doors, he might become more aware and leave nothing tangible to act upon.

5thCommandment · 21/11/2023 22:22

If the child was "really howling" that's abusive behaviour and needs reporting, if something bad happens and you don't report it, legally you are complicit. Submit an anonymous report if you must, but record it. If the child needs help you've done the right thing, if alls well you can sleep at night with that knowledge.

Original poster
NewNeighbour007 · 22/11/2023 14:36

TheJabberwocky · 21/11/2023 08:40

I think maybe some people are leaping to conclusions about domestic abuse purely on the basis that the wife is quiet and the husband over friendly. My husband is very friendly and chatty and will talk to anyone, I actively avoid eye contact because I have social anxiety and don’t want to talk to anyone without prior notice. There’s no abuse.

But the issues with the children do sound concerning. Not the child being at home, maybe he was suspended for the day, but the continuing shouting. It could be that one or the other is a difficult teenager (I speak from experience because I was one and my poor parents went through hell!) and they aren’t coping. Have you ever heard any words? Do you know if the mother is shouting at the child/ren or is she shouting at the husband? That would give more of an insight into the previously suggested marital abuse.
I would speak to the school personally, so it anonymously and say you live nearby. If there are other houses in the street and the shouting is loud then it’s likely you won’t be the only ones to notice. But if there are issues at school then they will already be aware obviously and may be able to support the family. When you see the kids how do they seem? Have they ever been over to play with your kids or are they very different ages?
It’s hard when you have a background as of course you leap to all sorts of conclusions but I’m usually on the side of - if in doubt, so something. Speak to the school or if you feel that is too obvious, then call the NSPCC hotline and ask for advice. You can report anonymously to social services but I’d go down one of the other two routes first.

Gosh - lots of questions here so I'll try and answer them all.

Thank you for the insight into your own reasons for not engaging in conversation - I thought, at first, that she was just shy, too.

But it's in context of all the shouting and crying that I gut-feel there may be more to it.

In terms of what they are saying, I'm not sure as it sounds like they are shouting in another language.

Tbh, with all the kids' crying and his yelling on top it's hard to tell who mum is shouting at - is it the kids or is she trying to get the husband to stop?

The houses are set well back with drives, on a wide two-way street near a busy main road and trainline and we are the only house attached to theirs. They are at the end of the road, so no-one on the other side. No chance of other neighbours hearing them with all the other urban hubbub going on.

The kids, none of us see them. I remember when we moved here feeling sad she didn't engage as it would have been nice for my two (and me!) to have friends next door. They are similar ages to my two - a year younger each I think.

I don't know the boys' schools as none of us have seen them at school-run time (my two walk themselves in, being Y6 and Y9).

I even asked my kids if they've ever seen them (I frequently chuck them into the garden, especially when they are playing football in the kitchen!) and they said no. In fact, I only realised this week that we were out as a family all through summer, gardening, barbecuing, having playdates and friends over... but I've never seen anyone but him outside. That's weird isn't it?

I think I will call the NSPCC as a few have suggested - as they will have best-practice advice.

Thank you again.

OP posts:
Spinet · 22/11/2023 14:46

Lilacdressinggown · 21/11/2023 21:40

No. The OP needs to take action herself not leave it to the school. What can the school do - report that so and so says that they think they heard…
The OP needs to contact children’s services herself and report what she is hearing in her own words.
Child protection is EVERYONES responsibility. Don’t leave it to other people.

Show quote history

This is completely wrong. It is not leaving it to other people to tell the school. Schools form part of the structure of social care. They have policy frameworks and regulations to stop it from being personal issue, as it is for the OP as their next door neighbour. They will also know if SEN are involved (I don't suppose they would tell the OP, but they would have a better picture of the kids' lives).

Social services are underfunded, slow, and won't know anything unless they are already involved.

reallypuzzledoverthis · 22/11/2023 15:11

As a children’s social worker I really wish that more people would speak out about this kind of thing, even if it leads to nothing it could always be something, and it always makes me really sad when there is a child death and the neighbours say that they heard screams and saw signs but didn’t think to tell anyone, always speak out and if there’s no problem there’s no harm done, but if it is something you could be saving a life

Naughty1205 · 22/11/2023 23:22

reallypuzzledoverthis · 22/11/2023 15:11

As a children’s social worker I really wish that more people would speak out about this kind of thing, even if it leads to nothing it could always be something, and it always makes me really sad when there is a child death and the neighbours say that they heard screams and saw signs but didn’t think to tell anyone, always speak out and if there’s no problem there’s no harm done, but if it is something you could be saving a life

This, x 100. Hope you managed to get through to the NSPCC, OP, and listen to your gut.

PixieLaLar · 23/11/2023 00:38

Maybe the children have ASD and either are homeschooled or go to a special needs school. Non of this sounds ‘typical’ but the meltdowns would be explained.

Canisaysomething · 23/11/2023 01:11

Call the non emergency police line and ask for advice. Don’t confront the neighbour. If police go round, deny it was you who reported.

Original poster
NewNeighbour007 · 23/11/2023 11:50

reallypuzzledoverthis · 22/11/2023 15:11

As a children’s social worker I really wish that more people would speak out about this kind of thing, even if it leads to nothing it could always be something, and it always makes me really sad when there is a child death and the neighbours say that they heard screams and saw signs but didn’t think to tell anyone, always speak out and if there’s no problem there’s no harm done, but if it is something you could be saving a life

Thank you. As a children's social worker, could you tell me the best first port of call please? Is it the NSPCC as some have said? I don't know the kids' names or the school.

OP posts:
JFT · 23/11/2023 11:55

YANBU and in a similar situation myself, I reported the situation to my local authority Child Protection phone line. Then I felt like I'd done what was reasonable.

I was completely honest about not knowing what was going on but sensing it was way beyond average household noise and family disputes.

There's things that can be done their side to keep an eye out.

Towerofsong · 23/11/2023 12:06

Next time you hear the shouting call the police and report it as a domestic. Tell them the background. They should be straight round and they have the power to forcibly enter and check the children's welfare.

Ask them to NOT knock at your door for more info, (they will know this anyway) but that you are happy to speak on phone to give more info if needed.

Paddleboarder · 23/11/2023 12:12

I feel like it could be something or nothing. My mum has four boys moved in next door, all early teens and under, and she’s only seen them outside once. Sometimes boys are too addicted to gaming and don’t want to do anything else if they can get away with it. My boys used to shout a lot and could be extremely dramatic over things like having to turn the Xbox off. I’m sure it sounded way worse than it was. They also went through phases of being really obnoxious and sarcastic and overly dramatic when they didn’t get their own way, and really knew how to push my buttons so it would often become an argument. I heard a neighbour’s child aged about 11 shout and cry for the whole evening after being told he couldn’t go on the games console, although it was only him shouting and they were very patient. Can’t you hear any of the words or get an inkling of what’s going on? I do feel that if your gut tells you something isn’t right you should report it for peace of mind.

Canisaysomething · 23/11/2023 23:37

Just phone the police non emergency number and ask for advice, this is exactly the kind of thing it’s for.

stayathomer · 23/11/2023 23:43

I have a 9 11 and 13 year old- none of these ages are ages you’d hear crying out really loud at. Hope it all works out ok, definitely report, sounds horrible