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Original poster

Entitled MIL - Being around when baby is born

101 replies

Socksforxmas · 20/11/2023 20:48

So for a bit of background, my MIL and I have never gotten along. In the 7 years I've been with her son shes found countless horrible things to criticise/insult about me. My weight (prior to pregnancy my BMI was described as perfect by my doctor), not taking her surname when I married DH, not giving my kids their surname, not wanting to live in London near her and choosing to stay in my home Scotland, having a tattoo, etc I could go on for a while.

I'm currently pregnant with my 3rd and last child and have made arrangements with my mum to have her come and live with us for around 2 wks around the due date so she can look after our twins while DH and I go to the hospital. Also as an extra help for when I get back from hospital. Besides DH, she's the person I'm most comfortable around and most want to be there during such a vulnerable and emotional time.

MIL was asking DH about her part in the birth the other day and is now kicking up a storm about the fact that I've requested it just be me, DH and my mum at the birth and for a few days after. She's been complaining to anyone who will listen about how unfair it is that my mum always gets to be around and gets priority. Presumably not realising that there's a good reason for this.

Frankly I find it so very creepy how rude and dismissive she's always been of me but suddenly acts so entitled when it comes to my children. The only times we've ever had pleasant times together has been when I've been acting as an incubator for her grandchildren. I'm sure if she thought about it for more than 3 seconds she'd understand why I might not be comfortable with her around.

DH has been taking the brunt of her whining and has now requested that I let her come the day after the birth to stay for a couple of days. I'm a bit disappointed that I'm even being asked to bend to her victim complex but he seems very taken in by her complaints and it is his baby too so I'm a bit torn.

Yabu - suck it up and let her have her way
Yanbu - stick to your guns and put your own comfort and happiness first.

(Might be worth mentioning that she has 3 sons and DH is the only one that has consistently kept in contact with her. His oldest brother has been on-and-off with her and the younger on has gone completely NC for years now...she's pretty renowned for being a spiteful and rude woman so I promise I'm not just being a 'difficult dil'. I'm about 99% sure that I am one of many ppl who have come to despise her)

OP posts:
Original poster
Socksforxmas · 20/11/2023 20:51

Incase anyone wonders, our twins were born during the height of lockdown when rules about how many ppl can be at the birth were very strict so this situation never arose when they were born as we had the COVID restrictions as a good excuse to not have her around at the birth. Not to mention all the travel restrictions.

OP posts:
Katjolo · 20/11/2023 20:58

Stick to your guns. Do what feels right and makes you most comfortable.

Stephy1024 · 20/11/2023 20:59

Definitely not stick to what you want op. Giving birth and afew weeks after are hard on any new mum. Why on earth would you want that vile woman around you at that time. Your husband is your husband and should have your back. Maybe he should tell his mum she can't be such a cunt to you and expect to get her own way.

Smugandproud · 20/11/2023 21:01

Missing the point but do your dc have your surname only and not their df’s?

Personally I don’t think anyone is entitled to stay within days of childbirth. However if your dm is there too it may be easier as you can cope with mil together.
Would your dm be up to saying come on mil let’s go wash up/take twins out whilst Mr and Mrs socks have some time with the baby.

UpUpUpU · 20/11/2023 21:03

Sorry MIL, my body, my baby so my rules. We will let you know when we are ready for visitors.

NutellaNut · 20/11/2023 21:05

Her part in the birth is to stay home and keep her nose out of it. There’s a reason you want your mum and not her present, I assume because your mum is kind and supportive and not a mean, critical witch like MIL. Stick to your guns and don’t let the horrible, spiteful cow spoil the occasion. Tell her why, or get your DH to tell her. Maybe it will be a wake up call for her to treat you better?

vernatheraven · 20/11/2023 21:05

Katjolo · 20/11/2023 20:58

Stick to your guns. Do what feels right and makes you most comfortable.

First post nailed it.

If you agree to anything bat shit now then your setting yourself up for the future aswell.

I was lucky or unlucky when it comes to mil. She never and didn't care.

CremeEggSupremacy · 20/11/2023 21:08

No way. You do what feels right for you. MIL isn’t your mother, she doesn’t get to be around if you don’t want her there at your most vulnerable moments, especially not if she’s been a real pig to you for years before. DH needs to back you up and tell her to back off

vernatheraven · 20/11/2023 21:08

This is all about you and your new baby.

It's not about anyone else whatever they might think.

You're in labour when it happens. You're bringing your child into this world. You have the only say about what that looks like and who shares it with you.

5128gap · 20/11/2023 21:15

Your MiL just wants to see the baby. If you could agree to a short visit close after the birth it could save a world of drama. You could even stay upstairs as she appears to have little interest in you. You'll get a chorus of why should she's in response to this suggestiin from people who think she doesn't deserve it etc, but its actually for your benefit too if you can contain her without the need for huge upset. The last thing you'll need is her badgering and complaining and your H mithering about her when an hour or so could hold her off.

Original poster
Socksforxmas · 20/11/2023 21:15

@vernatheraven this is a major part of it for me. I think I've done a good job in the past of not letting her nonsense dictate any aspect of my life or that of my children and I'm worried that if I give in here she'll only get more demanding and entitled.

OP posts:
Offcom · 20/11/2023 21:17

If she's at the birth she'll just find other things to be unhappy about so you might as well make her unhappy and get what you want at the same time

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 20/11/2023 21:17

Suggest when dh undergoes a massive event his dm can come stay.. Like yours is for you...

Mamato29192 · 20/11/2023 21:18

Yanbu

Ktime · 20/11/2023 21:20

A woman is vulnerable after birth, it’s important that you have people you love and trust around you.

DH can ensure his mum has time with the baby after you’re up and about and feeling better.

DuploTrain · 20/11/2023 21:22

You’re the one that will have just given birth, not him.

You need to feel comfortable in your own home while you recover.

It might be too much for your twins to have more people staying when they are just getting used to having a new baby in the house.

You might be an emotional wreck and wouldn’t want to accidentally snap at MIL.

All good reasons, but you shouldn’t need more than the first one.

Gymnopedie · 20/11/2023 21:23

DH has been taking the brunt of her whining and has now requested that I let her come the day after the birth to stay for a couple of days.

Your OP doesn't specify, but if she's still in London and you're in Scotland she will NOT be satisfied with a couple of days. More like two weeks she'll be there.

What does your DH have to say about the way she's treated you over the years? My guess would be a shoulder shrug and telling you that's just how she is/she doesn't mean it.

Original poster
Socksforxmas · 20/11/2023 21:23

@Smugandproud tbh my mum and mil have only actually met twice and a big part of that comes down to the fact that I just don't like subjecting anyone to mils company. The second time they interacted she was asking my mum all sorts of weird personal questions about me and other members of my family that was a bit uncomfortable 🙄 she also had a whinge about how nice it must be nice for her to always be prioritised..

Our kids just have my surname. We considered double barrelled for a while but because we both have unusual surname that nobody can ever spell/pronounce we didn't want our children having, not one, but two difficult surnames so just went with mine. DH was and is completely happy with this.

OP posts:
SpilltheTea · 20/11/2023 21:28

Until your husband can carry and deliver a baby, I'd suggest he grow a pair and stand up for you. If she wasn't such a horrible cow, she might not be in this situation.

Tinkerbyebye · 20/11/2023 21:30

You are the one pushing a baby out. You are the one who will be trying to set up a routine be feeding etc

you decide who you want there and your dh can go jump

HamsterBanana · 20/11/2023 21:30

My mil is similar, I had to go no contact in the end for my own sanity!

I would tell your DH it's a firm no. Your mum is there, anymore people and it's going to be to overwhelming.

GreatGateauxsby · 20/11/2023 21:30

Honestly I’d employ the queen’s tactics here.
“never complain, never explain”

you've set your stall out, now hold the line.

I did this with my MIL and have no regrets.

My DH knows full well now that my boundaries are fair/reasonable but firm. And (To quote a slightly more questionable figure) the lady’s not for turning…

Original poster
Socksforxmas · 20/11/2023 21:31

@Gymnopedie honestly, in the almost 8 years we've been together we've only ever fought regarding her. She's pretty much the sole cause of any problems and as much as I love DH and think he's otherwise perfect, if I could change anything about him it would be that I wish he'd just cut her off. For as horrible as she is to me she's not much better with him sometimes. Their relationship has always had elements of emotional abuse. To be fair, on most occasions he's stood up for me really well but doesn't tend to stand up for himself much 😕

OP posts:
shampooing · 20/11/2023 21:31

5128gap · 20/11/2023 21:15

Your MiL just wants to see the baby. If you could agree to a short visit close after the birth it could save a world of drama. You could even stay upstairs as she appears to have little interest in you. You'll get a chorus of why should she's in response to this suggestiin from people who think she doesn't deserve it etc, but its actually for your benefit too if you can contain her without the need for huge upset. The last thing you'll need is her badgering and complaining and your H mithering about her when an hour or so could hold her off.

Sty upstairs away from her baby? I didn’t want to be separated from my baby at all for the first few weeks so didn’t have any visitors until the baby was a month old (that was my mother). Then my siblings and MIL after another few weeks.

shampooing · 20/11/2023 21:33

@Socksforxmas my stance seems harsh but again most of our arguments have been about MIL, don’t need that stress and she is objectively a pain.

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