Entitled MIL - Being around when baby is born

[Socksforxmas]

So for a bit of background, my MIL and I have never gotten along. In the 7 years I've been with her son shes found countless horrible things to criticise/insult about me. My weight (prior to pregnancy my BMI was described as perfect by my doctor), not taking her surname when I married DH, not giving my kids their surname, not wanting to live in London near her and choosing to stay in my home Scotland, having a tattoo, etc I could go on for a while.

I'm currently pregnant with my 3rd and last child and have made arrangements with my mum to have her come and live with us for around 2 wks around the due date so she can look after our twins while DH and I go to the hospital. Also as an extra help for when I get back from hospital. Besides DH, she's the person I'm most comfortable around and most want to be there during such a vulnerable and emotional time.

MIL was asking DH about her part in the birth the other day and is now kicking up a storm about the fact that I've requested it just be me, DH and my mum at the birth and for a few days after. She's been complaining to anyone who will listen about how unfair it is that my mum always gets to be around and gets priority. Presumably not realising that there's a good reason for this.

Frankly I find it so very creepy how rude and dismissive she's always been of me but suddenly acts so entitled when it comes to my children. The only times we've ever had pleasant times together has been when I've been acting as an incubator for her grandchildren. I'm sure if she thought about it for more than 3 seconds she'd understand why I might not be comfortable with her around.

DH has been taking the brunt of her whining and has now requested that I let her come the day after the birth to stay for a couple of days. I'm a bit disappointed that I'm even being asked to bend to her victim complex but he seems very taken in by her complaints and it is his baby too so I'm a bit torn.

Yabu - suck it up and let her have her way
Yanbu - stick to your guns and put your own comfort and happiness first.

(Might be worth mentioning that she has 3 sons and DH is the only one that has consistently kept in contact with her. His oldest brother has been on-and-off with her and the younger on has gone completely NC for years now...she's pretty renowned for being a spiteful and rude woman so I promise I'm not just being a 'difficult dil'. I'm about 99% sure that I am one of many ppl who have come to despise her)

Stay at your house? No stay nearby in an Airbnb so they can pop in and visit

Maybe

This might apply to the odd person but not all by along shot.

Even my DH is able to acknowledge his mother cannot be left alone with any of our children. Ever.
She simply doesn't have the capacity to care for them even for 5 min intervals. He went to the bathroom while she was visiting and now understands this first hand 🙄
She has NO concept of the needs of others.
Eg cannot understand you might be hungry if she not. Cannot understand if she's thirsty you might be thirsty too...

You will NEVER hear me complain about it.
It is what it is. We can't change her.

But we wouldn't dream of leaving our child(ren) with her unless we were totally out of options and they were secondary school age. Ie self-sufficient

And fwiw I would also be upset if my DGC didn’t have my DS’ name, I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all

You can be upset all you like, it’s not your choice.

"And fwiw I would also be upset if my DGC didn’t have my DS’ name, I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all"

Why would you be upset? If your DS as father is happy and the children's mother is happy, what's it got to do with you? There's a 50/50 chance they could take either surname, so why should it be yours that they choose? Such old fashioned ideas that could taint your relationship with everyone involved if you let it make you bitter!

It worked well for you but it isn't universal.

Unfortunately my DH was like a rabbit in the headlights during the birth of DS. My mum was marvellous. So when DD was born my DH looked after DS and my mum came with me. Much better for everyone.

She wants to be at the birth! .... sod that!
Is she close enough to just visit for an hour? Your mum is your mum ffs! Helping you out ... it's not a contest (which she'd clearly lose anyway if it were ) ... tell DH an hour once you're home, or in hospital still if you're in a day or two is enough - your own mum has a different role here

You’ve got this so backwards.

OP isn’t excluding her MIL just for fun. Her MIL has been consistently unpleasant to her for years. It’s not OP’s responsibility to ignore years of shitty treatment from this woman and bend over backwards to be accommodating to a bully (when OP is the one who will have just given birth!).

If MIL wanted a good relationship with her grandkids, she should have been nice to their mum. It’s a basic requirement. Nobody is required to accommodate a person who is horrible to them, regardless of whether they’re family.

And whether MIL is upset about her grandchildren not having her surname is irrelevant. For one thing it’s none of her business, and for another, women seem to cope fine when, the majority of the time, their daughters’ kids don’t share their surname. Why is it that they can cope but MIL can’t?

Maybe it's time for your DH to have an honest chat with his mum.

Explain to her that you don't have a close relationship with her because of the spiteful, cruel and mean things she has said/done in the past and obviously you do not want a spiteful/mean/cruel person around during the birth/early days of your baby.

Over the next few years, if she improves her behaviour, your relationship may grow, but that's up to her and it's certainly not going to be resolved around the arrival of her new grandchild.

London to Scotland for a short visit wouldn’t be possible.

Honestly - I think this is another totally one sided MN thread and that MIL would probably have her own side of the story, rather than someone taking a bit of accountability for how they’ve contributed to the breakdown of a relationship themselves.

I mean, OP you’ve all moved away to be near your family, you’ve all taken your name, why shouldn’t the MIL have her own feelings about things. Personally if DH had followed my family to other end of country, particularly meaning that my family could be around and involved whenever they wanted, I’d be making a real effort to make sure the ILs felt welcome and included and trying to be a bit more understanding around what it means for them.

I’m not saying that MIL should come for the birth etc, I am saying that sorry OP but improving a relationship takes effort on both sides and I would be very surprised if all of this was simply down to you having such a terrible MIL.

They're hundreds of miles away from her,she can whine as much as she likes.

Indeed. If you are a person sat behind the keyboard, projecting and egging other women on, then I suppose that does seem OK. However, if you are the OP, and have a husband who wants his mother to see the baby, and does not share your view with regard to his mum, and you, your H and MiL have phones; then you could avoid a great deal of unpleasantness if you are open to compromise. Offering a compromise that you can live with is not a sign of weakness or a failure to be assertive, as its not caving in and meeting the request in full. Its simply a pragmatic approach to avoid unnecessary drama when you should be thinking about more positive things than how to best to put your MiL in her place.

If he actually wants her there could she come a few days after birth and stay in a hotel and visit the house.

You don't owe her this though

H isn't the one giving birth and phones can be turned off.

MIL can see the baby when the OP is ready.

@TenaciousTortoise

And fwiw I would also be upset if my DGC didn’t have my DS’ name, I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all.

It's profoundly unreasonable. Why do children need to take the fathers name? It was previously just about ownership. Many married couples don't do this. I'm over 60 and we never did. You're just old fashioned.

It can’t be that many because I’ve never heard of anyone doing it.

I completely agree with @5128gap. Negotiating compromise is an indication of strength and maturity.

Honestly you've made a lot of wild assumptions to get here so to clarify a few things..

1. We don't live in Scotland to be around my family. DH already lived here for 4 years prior to meeting me and is here for his job above anything else. It hardly matters any way as even if we lived 10 mins away we wouldn't see her as much as my family because they are simply much more pleasant company for us and our kids.

2. DH doesn't have my surname but has considered changing his to mine many times so that we can all have the same. Laziness above anything else is why he hasn't yet. It was his choice for our kids to take mine and is a lot closer and more involved with my family than is own, for good reason

3. It does take effort on both sides to nourish a relationship. Unfortunately she was never interested. I've had great relationships with the mothers of previous partners so I find the situation upsetting but ultimately not something I can change as long as she behave like this. It's not just me though. Like I said in other posts her other kids and Dil dislike her too to the point of going NC. On top of that she doesn't seem to have any friends...

4. Your posts have come across as very personal. The way you've projected so much untrue and wild assumptions to make your point gives me the feeling of you yourself being a mil who maybe doesn't get much time with the family, likely as a result of your own behaviour. That's unfortunate but I don't think it's helpful to project on to my particular situation.

5. As for the "you'll be granny/mil one day" and the "youre severing a relationship with someone you might need" comments. Like I said before I have no plans to be cruel to future chidkren in law and don't feel entitled to attend births of other people's children so not really a problem for me. And frankly if it wasn't for DH insisting on few and far between contact with her, I would have gone NC years ago. My children and I have enough lovely family and friends that I can guarantee she'll never be needed in our lives.

@Socksforxmas

Your posts have come across as very personal. The way you've projected so much untrue and wild assumptions to make your point gives me the feeling of you yourself being a mil who maybe doesn't get much time with the family, likely as a result of your own behaviour. That's unfortunate but I don't think it's helpful to project on to my particular situation.

I’m 42, I have two children under ten, and both my own parents are dead.

But yeah - I’m the one making wild assumptions here.

I think it makes sense except for extreme cases for the child to have the father's surname.

The reason is that if they don't then they will forever face assumptions from many that the child isn't theirs. Nobody ever assumes a mother with a child isn't the mother of the child but a male figure with a different surname will understandably not be considered the same.

My child has my partner's surname for this reason.

Yes, rather irritating when people make assumptions out of thin air isn't it? Glad you agree.

The children calling him daddy and his referring to them as 'my children' tends to sort this out 😂 Not a whole lot of reasons for women to be complacent and blindly give their children someone else's name these days thankfully (unless of course they wish to)

What a load of shite.

Plenty refer to step fathers, particularly long terms ones, as Daddy so that's not a great example.

Regardless of that the issue isn't with people you know well it is with external bodies who will assume a man with a different surname to their child is likely not the father. I would never want my partner or child to have to experience that.

There is also a longer term issue to consider. What if you decide to get married at a later date. Do you want to have to consider changing your child's name at that time?

They’re already married @Charlie2121.

They say there are two sides to everything and I have to say @Socksforxmas your posts are really making me wonder what your Mil would say about the situation.

OP there's always 1 or 2 who regardless of the situation will come on to threads like this to defend the mother in law by making up projected scenarios to put her in a good light and make the daughter in law seem horrible. I suppose nasties stick together.

It's one thing to place devil's advocate but just making things up to discredit a woman's pain is...weird...

Nothing in your posts have suggested that you're unreasonable to feel this way and your comfort should absolutely come first 👍🏼 xx