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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Entitled MIL - Being around when baby is born

101 replies

Socksforxmas · 20/11/2023 20:48

So for a bit of background, my MIL and I have never gotten along. In the 7 years I've been with her son shes found countless horrible things to criticise/insult about me. My weight (prior to pregnancy my BMI was described as perfect by my doctor), not taking her surname when I married DH, not giving my kids their surname, not wanting to live in London near her and choosing to stay in my home Scotland, having a tattoo, etc I could go on for a while.

I'm currently pregnant with my 3rd and last child and have made arrangements with my mum to have her come and live with us for around 2 wks around the due date so she can look after our twins while DH and I go to the hospital. Also as an extra help for when I get back from hospital. Besides DH, she's the person I'm most comfortable around and most want to be there during such a vulnerable and emotional time.

MIL was asking DH about her part in the birth the other day and is now kicking up a storm about the fact that I've requested it just be me, DH and my mum at the birth and for a few days after. She's been complaining to anyone who will listen about how unfair it is that my mum always gets to be around and gets priority. Presumably not realising that there's a good reason for this.

Frankly I find it so very creepy how rude and dismissive she's always been of me but suddenly acts so entitled when it comes to my children. The only times we've ever had pleasant times together has been when I've been acting as an incubator for her grandchildren. I'm sure if she thought about it for more than 3 seconds she'd understand why I might not be comfortable with her around.

DH has been taking the brunt of her whining and has now requested that I let her come the day after the birth to stay for a couple of days. I'm a bit disappointed that I'm even being asked to bend to her victim complex but he seems very taken in by her complaints and it is his baby too so I'm a bit torn.

Yabu - suck it up and let her have her way
Yanbu - stick to your guns and put your own comfort and happiness first.

(Might be worth mentioning that she has 3 sons and DH is the only one that has consistently kept in contact with her. His oldest brother has been on-and-off with her and the younger on has gone completely NC for years now...she's pretty renowned for being a spiteful and rude woman so I promise I'm not just being a 'difficult dil'. I'm about 99% sure that I am one of many ppl who have come to despise her)

OP posts:
DuploTrain · 20/11/2023 21:34

5128gap · 20/11/2023 21:15

Your MiL just wants to see the baby. If you could agree to a short visit close after the birth it could save a world of drama. You could even stay upstairs as she appears to have little interest in you. You'll get a chorus of why should she's in response to this suggestiin from people who think she doesn't deserve it etc, but its actually for your benefit too if you can contain her without the need for huge upset. The last thing you'll need is her badgering and complaining and your H mithering about her when an hour or so could hold her off.

I doubt MIL is going to travel from London to Scotland for an hour visit!

OP doesn’t want her to come and stay in her house one day after she’s given birth.

VickyEadieofThigh · 20/11/2023 21:36

UpUpUpU · 20/11/2023 21:03

Sorry MIL, my body, my baby so my rules. We will let you know when we are ready for visitors.

This.

TeeBee · 20/11/2023 21:37

The answer is no. When your husband has a football ripped from inside his nether regions, he can choose to have his mother there for support. However, you have already chosen who you want there for your support. Its not about your mother being prioritised, its about YOU being prioritised...as you should be.

StrawberryWater · 20/11/2023 21:37

It’s a medical procedure, not a spectator show. Tell her to get lost.

Teatrayderby · 20/11/2023 21:40

Say yes of course, then give her a different due date.

MikeRafone · 20/11/2023 21:41

Tell dp yes she can come, but any spiteful comments and she can leave, she needs to be on her best behaviour and muck in and help. Let her know your mum helps that’s why she get to come along and if she doesn’t help then off home she goes

CrimsonPig · 20/11/2023 21:42

StrawberryWater · 20/11/2023 21:37

It’s a medical procedure, not a spectator show. Tell her to get lost.

This.

She can fuck off. You will have given birth, the last person you need in your home is someone you don't get on with.

I'd counter suggest that she visits for a night 2 weeks after the birth.

Riverlee · 20/11/2023 21:42

Having her stay will be too stressful. Let her visit, but not stay.

Nicole1111 · 20/11/2023 21:47

Stand your ground. Explain to your husband that you’re going to be at your most vulnerable and you can’t have people around who will be critical of you as you want to focus on your new baby.

Sugarcoatedcandycane · 20/11/2023 21:50

Hell no to the no no no.

What people seem to forget is that birth and just after is not just about ‘the baby’ but the mum is equally as important during that time.

you’ve just given birth. There may or may not be complications. Your milk comes in. You get hit with the wave of baby blues and hormones. You’re bleeding from your vagina with stitches or have had a major surgery c sec. All whilst dealing with a newborn and maybe other kids.

You need to tend with your own emotions and have no capacity for anyone else’s. It’s a fine balance and if it’s ripped wrongly can spark a chain of events longer term (PND, PNA etc).

You need to find your balance again before you can begin negotiating with other people.

If mum isn’t balanced then the knock on effect to the baby is effected. It’s not worth it to keep others happy.

Mums needs trumps all others wants and desires including day during those initial days/weeks regardless of what seems fair.

vernatheraven · 20/11/2023 22:01

Socksforxmas · 20/11/2023 21:15

@vernatheraven this is a major part of it for me. I think I've done a good job in the past of not letting her nonsense dictate any aspect of my life or that of my children and I'm worried that if I give in here she'll only get more demanding and entitled.

She will. Of course she will, because she was there from the first moment of you agree to any of this that your not happy with.

If you wanted your mil in law there then that's lovely but you don't then say before she turns up she sounds like she would!

Have your time bringing your new baby into this world and being with them for their first moments because you won't ever get that back. Suit you not every one else.

who you to be

vernatheraven · 20/11/2023 22:04

I do t know why it posted randomly at the end apologies x

girlfriend44 · 20/11/2023 22:24

Socksforxmas · 20/11/2023 21:31

@Gymnopedie honestly, in the almost 8 years we've been together we've only ever fought regarding her. She's pretty much the sole cause of any problems and as much as I love DH and think he's otherwise perfect, if I could change anything about him it would be that I wish he'd just cut her off. For as horrible as she is to me she's not much better with him sometimes. Their relationship has always had elements of emotional abuse. To be fair, on most occasions he's stood up for me really well but doesn't tend to stand up for himself much 😕

She gave birth to your partner/husband.

Without her there would be no him.

Remember you might be a granny one day and won't you want to be involved?

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 20/11/2023 22:57

Only allow her to be there if your DH is there at all times. So if he is taking paternity leave - she can visit during those days only.

If he's not, then she can visit for a long weekend whenever one happens to come along. Again, only when your DH is there.

Make it clear that your DM is there to help YOU. Seeing her new DGC is just an added bonus.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 20/11/2023 23:10

Birth is not a spectator sport. Even the man is there to support you, not to see the baby. Therefore tell her no.

Original poster
Socksforxmas · 20/11/2023 23:36

girlfriend44 · 20/11/2023 22:24

She gave birth to your partner/husband.

Without her there would be no him.

Remember you might be a granny one day and won't you want to be involved?

Show quote history

I don't plan on treating any potential Dil/sil anywhere near as horribly as I've been treated. I think 'granny rights' go out the window a bit when you've done nothing to nourish a healthy relationship with the woman who is giving to your grandchildren.

Regardless of what my relationship with future Dil/sils is like I can't imagine ever feeling so entitled to such an emotional and personal moment in someone's life 🤷🏼‍♀️ I had my own children to experience that with, I don't need to leach on to other ppls moments.

I don't think shes owed anything because she chose to give birth to DH. Frankly I find it insidious when people are actively encouraged to endure nastiness, spite and abuse out of a feeling of 'owing' their parents for a life they didn't choose. The parent is the one who owes their children respect and care (assuming the children don't do anything to not deserve this in later life).

OP posts:
5128gap · 20/11/2023 23:38

shampooing · 20/11/2023 21:31

Sty upstairs away from her baby? I didn’t want to be separated from my baby at all for the first few weeks so didn’t have any visitors until the baby was a month old (that was my mother). Then my siblings and MIL after another few weeks.

Show quote history

For an hour. Many women wouldn't mind being away from their baby for a short period. I didn't. My DD didn't. And ive personally never known anyone who refused visitors for a month, so we're all different. It was a suggestion is all which the OP is obviously free to ignore if it doesn't feel right to her.

Sceptre86 · 20/11/2023 23:44

I'd say no and be firm. When your mil asks why i would be very blunt and say your mum gives you comfort whereas she doesnt. You had hoped for a better relationship with her but the lack of is down to her behaviour and simply you don't want her present when you are at your most vulnerable. If she aplogises I'd go from there. If she doesnt then I'd go nc.

StarShipControl · 20/11/2023 23:47

I'm adding to the 'stick to your guns' messages.
Twins, new baby, none of you need the stress or insults from your mil being around. Especially you and your mum who's there to help.

Just to sympathise - I had a similar situation and I don't think my feelings towards ils ever recovered from how they were at that time and especially towards my lovely mum.

5128gap · 20/11/2023 23:47

DuploTrain · 20/11/2023 21:34

I doubt MIL is going to travel from London to Scotland for an hour visit!

OP doesn’t want her to come and stay in her house one day after she’s given birth.

Show quote history

Well that's up to her isn't it? If she wants to see her GC she can stay in a hotel and visit. I would! The point is there's a place between all or nothing called compromise, whereby the OP makes some offer and the MiL either puts herself out to accept or doesn't. Asking to stay is obviously not suitable but there may be something else that could work.

Charlie2121 · 21/11/2023 00:19

I’d tell her no but then I’d also not want my own mother there either.

I struggle to understand why DH isn’t all you’d want with you.

Having just the 2 of us there when I gave birth was wonderful. Parents can wait.

Wishitsnows · 21/11/2023 00:28

Bet your MIL didn’t have her MIL very involved. Get your DH to find out

Hibiscrubbed · 21/11/2023 05:47

Socksforxmas · 20/11/2023 23:36

I don't plan on treating any potential Dil/sil anywhere near as horribly as I've been treated. I think 'granny rights' go out the window a bit when you've done nothing to nourish a healthy relationship with the woman who is giving to your grandchildren.

Regardless of what my relationship with future Dil/sils is like I can't imagine ever feeling so entitled to such an emotional and personal moment in someone's life 🤷🏼‍♀️ I had my own children to experience that with, I don't need to leach on to other ppls moments.

I don't think shes owed anything because she chose to give birth to DH. Frankly I find it insidious when people are actively encouraged to endure nastiness, spite and abuse out of a feeling of 'owing' their parents for a life they didn't choose. The parent is the one who owes their children respect and care (assuming the children don't do anything to not deserve this in later life).

Show quote history

Well said, OP. I hate that bollocks line, it’s always trotted out on these threads.

Stick to your guns and keep her out. You owe her nothing, nothing at all.

TenaciousTortoise · 21/11/2023 06:15

You’re going to be the one back on here in a couple of years time complaining that the ILs never offer you any help at all when you need it, don’t want a relationship with their DGC, have never been there for you, have never understood or wanted to be active GP etc etc

They way ALL of you act now has huge consequences for the future. You might dismiss that now and say hah I will never need their help so it’s their loss, I have my mum and don’t need them. But what happens when one day your mum isn’t there to help, or your DH or DC want a relationship with them that isn’t coloured by your reactions to your MIL?

By all means have your mum to stay but I think there is huge merit in a compromise which does not intentionally make your MIL feel excluded. What is there to gain from telling her now that you think she’s spiteful and rude? And fwiw I would also be upset if my DGC didn’t have my DS’ name, I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all.

By all means look out for yourselves at this time but don’t overlook the long term and don’t say anything that you can’t unsay.

Gotosleepnow2023 · 21/11/2023 06:45
  1. If she wanted a close relationship, she shouldn't have been horrible to you for 8 years. The way that MIL acted in the past, IS now having consequences in her present.
  1. Anyone who has had a baby should understand that you want what you want, whatever that might be, you can't dictate to a new mum what you will be doing around them in their house. That's madness. That applies to your DH and MIL.
  1. Stand firm with DH, he's in the middle but is going to have to be a big boy and tell his mummy 'no'. She's had her babies and this is yours, the last thing you need is to have her sniping from the sidelines when your bleeding, trying to remember how to breastfeed / feed, wind a baby, get it to sleep, cope with the change for your twins... I could go on.

My MIL was lovely to me whenever I was pregnant, however when my first DS was one day old, she informed me that she wouldn't be using the name that we had given him all the time. Her exact words were "From time to time I'll be calling him XXXX". I made it very clear that she would not be because that wasn't his name. You need to set boundaries from the outset. She looked horrified, but never did use her own name. This is YOUR time, she'll see the baby soon enough. She can wait a couple of weeks like many other grandparents who live a distance away.

Keep it nice and light, there's no need for an argument, your husband needs to relay the message. But the message remains it's up to the two of you and this is what you BOTH think is best for your twins, you and the new baby.