Entitled MIL - Being around when baby is born

[Socksforxmas]

So for a bit of background, my MIL and I have never gotten along. In the 7 years I've been with her son shes found countless horrible things to criticise/insult about me. My weight (prior to pregnancy my BMI was described as perfect by my doctor), not taking her surname when I married DH, not giving my kids their surname, not wanting to live in London near her and choosing to stay in my home Scotland, having a tattoo, etc I could go on for a while.

I'm currently pregnant with my 3rd and last child and have made arrangements with my mum to have her come and live with us for around 2 wks around the due date so she can look after our twins while DH and I go to the hospital. Also as an extra help for when I get back from hospital. Besides DH, she's the person I'm most comfortable around and most want to be there during such a vulnerable and emotional time.

MIL was asking DH about her part in the birth the other day and is now kicking up a storm about the fact that I've requested it just be me, DH and my mum at the birth and for a few days after. She's been complaining to anyone who will listen about how unfair it is that my mum always gets to be around and gets priority. Presumably not realising that there's a good reason for this.

Frankly I find it so very creepy how rude and dismissive she's always been of me but suddenly acts so entitled when it comes to my children. The only times we've ever had pleasant times together has been when I've been acting as an incubator for her grandchildren. I'm sure if she thought about it for more than 3 seconds she'd understand why I might not be comfortable with her around.

DH has been taking the brunt of her whining and has now requested that I let her come the day after the birth to stay for a couple of days. I'm a bit disappointed that I'm even being asked to bend to her victim complex but he seems very taken in by her complaints and it is his baby too so I'm a bit torn.

Yabu - suck it up and let her have her way
Yanbu - stick to your guns and put your own comfort and happiness first.

(Might be worth mentioning that she has 3 sons and DH is the only one that has consistently kept in contact with her. His oldest brother has been on-and-off with her and the younger on has gone completely NC for years now...she's pretty renowned for being a spiteful and rude woman so I promise I'm not just being a 'difficult dil'. I'm about 99% sure that I am one of many ppl who have come to despise her)

OP you sound 100 percent reasonable and level headed. Unsure as to why some posters think it’s weird that kids would have there mothers name after all we are the ones that give birth to them and you clearly had your reasons however that actually has nothing to do with your original AIBU anyway so is completely beside the point.
What you said about being nice to any future DIL is spot on too and to take a positive from this negative situation I bet one day you will be a wonderful mother in law and nan as you will know precisely what not to do!!
In terms of your mum coming rather than her. Well that’s about a mother supporting her daughter and nothing to do with spending time with the grandkids as that is something that will just happen as she is there supporting you to make her daughters life easier. Mother in law rocking up to upset your routine would actively make your life harder. Tell them all to sod off. You have twins and a new baby on the way! If there is ever a time to be kind to yourself and stick up for yourself then this is it!

I say stick to your guns and make DH stick to them too.

His mother has been unpleasant to you for years so she hasn't earned any privileges. Keep her away for as long as you want to and tell her why if she asks.

It does seem that DH needs to grow a bit more of a backbone here. He needs to tell her in no uncertain terms that her behaviour towards you has not earned her the privilege of a visit when you will only just have given birth.

You can resolve this problem entirely by simply not giving a shit what random strangers think about your family.

Wow, just wow.

Like a PP just said, I think I’m starting to see why your MIL doesn’t like you much either.

I’m leaving the thread.

Funny how these posts always attract a load of nutty entitled MILs who perfectly prove why people don’t want them involved much

I think I’ve just witnessed my first mumsnet flounce 🍿

Absolutely - always one poster who creates a total fantasy that the OP must be an evil witch who drove her poor MIL away. Total nutso behaviour.

Exactly. And if her son was bothered he could have changed his name so they did all have the same name.

I guessed there'd be at least one questionable poster but am really grateful to the others who've been kind enough to leave helpful posts. I'm a bit of a natural self doubter and always feel the need to question decisions like this even if it's for my own good so this thread has been really validating ❤️

It’s so funny when people get their knickers in a twist about DC taking a mother’s name. It’s similar to the the reaction when a woman points out her name is her own, not taken from a man she joined her life to 😂

OP completely agree with your point about standing firm. Please make sure you keep your bounds in place, which I’m sure you’ll do kindly. Shifting boundaries just causes confusion and whatever leads to your DMiLs behaviour will just get exacerbated.
You and your baby’s needs come 1st. Then others.

Every good thread needs at least one flounce.

I think you totally miss the point. I care how the father of my child feels. I appreciate that is anathema to some on here.

But OP’s husband is fine with it. He suggested it. If he’s happy, and OP is happy, what’s the issue?

I love a good flounce. 🤣

Got to love a nice 'think of the poor man' sentiment whenever a woman dares not pass his name down 😂 never seems to matter if the man in question is fine and happy with it.

Good grief.

'People will think that the child isn't theirs'
....and? How would that impact on anyone's life, at all?

Honestly the weak excuses people give that children need their dads surname crack me up.

OP: absolutely ignore anyone telling you that you should do this, there's a weird subset of people who think that you can't upset your MIL, but it's perfectly acceptable for them to upset you, and that you should be a bigger person and take their nonsense for the sake of family relations... even though all the other person has to do is stop being awful. Which is a lot less effort and stress for them than it is for you putting up with awful behaviour...

Your labour, your choice. If you didnt want her there if she was the nicest mil in the world, that would still be reasonable. Tell your husband to grow a back bone.

Mil needs to wait for an invite, that will save a world of drama. That onus is ot on op

They havent "all" taken her name. The husband hasnt. It was her name from the beginning. Why it ok for millions of children to take their fathers name but not Vice versa?

What does it matter if someone assumes he is a step father? They know he isnt. And only an ignorant moron would assume that. You do realise the tradition of a wife and children taking the fathers/husbands name is because women and children were viewed as property that he owned?

But this post wasnt about you, and there was no info to go on other than you're batshit. Her post was very clear that she has tried and the mil is horrible and unreasonable. But none the less you have made up some random hypothesis to fit your own warped narrative. Doesnt fly.

Im torn here.

Part of me thinks tell her absolutely not. As others have said it’s a time where you need support and care, not stress but on the other hand could this be a blessing in disguise?

Let her come and the first time she says something mean or snarky she is immediately popped on a train back to London with low to no contact for the foreseeable and is told exactly bloody why! Nothing is held back this time.

Good luck OP whatever you decide

By the same token the father of the child should also care how the mother feels and whether she wants the baby she's carried and grown for 9 months to have her name or not

She's been complaining to anyone who will listen about how unfair it is that my mum always gets to be around and gets priority. Presumably not realising that there's a good reason for this.

Frankly I find it so very creepy how rude and dismissive she's always been of me but suddenly acts so entitled when it comes to my children. The only times we've ever had pleasant times together has been when I've been acting as an incubator for her grandchildren. I'm sure if she thought about it for more than 3 seconds she'd understand why I might not be comfortable with her around.

Your birth is your birth so you get to do what you like. But yabu for letting this go on so long without sitting down and telling her clearly what the problem is. If, as you say, she 'doesn't realise' or 'doesn't think about it' why wouldn't you have already told her straight. Tell her why she isn't welcome so that she's under no illusion. She will either be mortified and try to make amends or she won't and you don't have to think about her ever again.

not taking her surname when I married DH, not giving my kids their surname

You do have quite a strange take on this, OP. Presumably it was your H’s surname you didn’t take. (Not sure whether to use the DH here.). Which let’s face it is quite PA.

Lots of points in your post which suggest to me that you might not be the easiest person in the world - no matter how dreadful your MIL may be.