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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a thing? Or is my friend deluded about her dc?

109 replies

in183 · 20/11/2023 06:54

Friend has a one year old, who will grab your arm/hand to make you press a button or point to something. Friend is ADAMANT that after having five children that she knows it is a sign of extreme intelligence. I’ve recently had a child and I’m being asked almost every few days if they’ve started to do it. Maybe I’m just sleep deprived but I think it’s absolutely crazy (and bloody annoying to be asked all the time). She is smart generally but I honestly can’t get my head around why she feels so strongly about it!!! Is this a thing?

OP posts:
IncorrigibIeRogue · 20/11/2023 06:58

Um, I thought that "hand leading" was actually a very early potential indicator of neurodivergence!

Are you sure she isn't actually worried about it and trying to get reassurance that other DC do it too?

pilates · 20/11/2023 06:59

Just ignore and change the subject.

MyCircumference · 20/11/2023 07:00

no idea at all
but just let it go,

SisterHyster · 20/11/2023 07:02

My son does this and is neither particularly intelligent or neurodiverse.

Almondmum · 20/11/2023 07:03

What?! She's asking if your newborn can grab your arm to get you to do stuff? You've surely pointed out how crazy that is?

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 20/11/2023 07:04

IncorrigibIeRogue · 20/11/2023 06:58

Um, I thought that "hand leading" was actually a very early potential indicator of neurodivergence!

Are you sure she isn't actually worried about it and trying to get reassurance that other DC do it too?

My child is neurodiverse and didn't do this. Regardless, is this supposed to suggest neurodiverse children can't have intelligence?

iloveherons · 20/11/2023 07:04

if it really is that extreme (in asking daily) I would ask her to stop asking daily. Tell her she will be the first to learn if your DC is doing so.

Fwiw, hand leading can be a sign of Asd. I have two on the spectrum. neither did it but doctors always asked if they did when they were little.

iloveherons · 20/11/2023 07:05

(and yes, one of my DC on the spectrum is very very bright - the other not so much).

Monkeymonkeymoo · 20/11/2023 07:07

It’s fine, babies all do things at their own rate and they catch up in their own time (both my sons did things at different times and they’re both totally normal toddlers). Unless your Health Visitor or doctor is worried then I really wouldn’t give it a second thought.
When I had my eldest I had a mum’s group friend like this (her older son had a severe developmental delay and she was absolutely convinced than her baby daughter was a genius). My son was a bit slower (he was also premature and 6 weeks younger) and she constantly asked what he could do and then listed what her daughter could do. At 3.5 there’s not much difference between them and my son can do things her daughter can’t (and vice versa).
Some people just get a bit carried away and forget to be tactful!

I promise that at my Oxford admissions interview no-one ever asked me when I started pointing 😂

Original poster
in183 · 20/11/2023 07:07

She asks maybe once a week I’d say. My dd is 7 months and hers did it around one she said!

OP posts:
IncorrigibIeRogue · 20/11/2023 07:07

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 20/11/2023 07:04

My child is neurodiverse and didn't do this. Regardless, is this supposed to suggest neurodiverse children can't have intelligence?

Show quote history

FFS.

My own child is ND and extremely bright (and did a lot of hand leading as a baby, FWIW), so no, that isn't what I was saying.

That would be like someone saying "a night time cough is a sign of intelligence" and me saying "actually it's potentially an indicator of asthma" and them thinking that I was suggesting asthmatic people can't be intelligent Hmm

Noicant · 20/11/2023 07:08

Lying early is a sign of intelligence apparently, so if your toddler is a massive fibber they are probably quite clever.

IncorrigibIeRogue · 20/11/2023 07:09

IncorrigibIeRogue · 20/11/2023 07:07

FFS.

My own child is ND and extremely bright (and did a lot of hand leading as a baby, FWIW), so no, that isn't what I was saying.

That would be like someone saying "a night time cough is a sign of intelligence" and me saying "actually it's potentially an indicator of asthma" and them thinking that I was suggesting asthmatic people can't be intelligent Hmm

Show quote history

And "potential early indicator of ND" =/= "every single ND person ever has done this thing"

PinkFrogss · 20/11/2023 07:10

Lie and say yes to wind her up.

Or ask her nicely why she keeps asking.

Hollyhead · 20/11/2023 07:11

Neither of mine ever really did that and they’re both doing well…

Daftodil · 20/11/2023 07:13

Children learn different strategies at different speeds. One child might learn that if they move a hand they get X outcome. Others might learn to get X outcome by crying, nuzzling a boob, crawling towards a bottle, making a certain noise (eg. Baba for bottle etc.). There are many strategies for getting the things we want and we all learn most of them eventually.

Your friend's child has had not just mummy/daddy to teach her, but 4 other siblings. Perhaps she will pick things up more quickly as she has so many more teachers.

ThePlantKiller · 20/11/2023 07:15

My DS did this a couple of times as a toddler. He has ADHD

WandaWonder · 20/11/2023 07:15

Anything repeated alot gets annoying but every thing a baby does can be considered advanced, I wonder how many kids actually turn out the geniuses their parents think they are?

But I would roll my eyes and move on

RedHelenB · 20/11/2023 07:19

Noicant · 20/11/2023 07:08

Lying early is a sign of intelligence apparently, so if your toddler is a massive fibber they are probably quite clever.

Very true in my dc case. Had his nursery workers convinced by his lies

FlamingoQueen · 20/11/2023 07:20

I would say no, not done that yet, but tbh, she’s too busy studying for her Mensa exam! And then insert a different exam name in every time she asks you. Kids point! That’s it. Some do and some don’t!

Radiat · 20/11/2023 07:21

Surely if her kid was that clever they’d just press the button themselves 😏 /s

chineapplepunks · 20/11/2023 07:25

My one year old can do this, has for a while but she also walks around the house with a sock on her hand and a plastic bowl in her head so i'm not sure it's an intelligence thing!

MayThe4th · 20/11/2023 07:26

It sounds to me as if she’s looking for reassurance that other babies do it too because, having had five DC she sees it as unusual, and maybe she is subconsciously concerned that it could be a sign of something else.

It’s worth remembering that lots of inteligent people are neurodiverse so it’s possible she’s thinking that he might be inteligent and neurodiverse.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 20/11/2023 07:26

Your friend's kid is bang on target for starting to point. But I am surprised that someone with so many older kids would be excited about this. I only have one and was often worried about whether she was getting the hang of things "quickly enough" - it was my friends with older kids who reminded me that these developmental phases are about brain development rather than general IQ!

GodDammitCecil · 20/11/2023 07:29

IncorrigibIeRogue · 20/11/2023 07:07

FFS.

My own child is ND and extremely bright (and did a lot of hand leading as a baby, FWIW), so no, that isn't what I was saying.

That would be like someone saying "a night time cough is a sign of intelligence" and me saying "actually it's potentially an indicator of asthma" and them thinking that I was suggesting asthmatic people can't be intelligent Hmm

Show quote history

Don’t worry - it was perfectly obvious that you were not implying that neurodivergence = lack of intelligence.

We all know that’s not the case, anyway.