To think I must just be unattractive?

[itsanok]

I spend a lot of time and money on my appearance, but I never get complimented from friends or family, and never receive male attention. I feel quite sad about it, I'm in my 20s and feel invisible.

I paid £250 for my hair to be cut and balayaged and nobody has mentioned it, let alone given a compliment (even just a fake compliment to be nice). I have all of the best beauty products (hundreds of pounds worth) yet my hair always looks frizzy and a mess, and my face always looks plain despite having a full face of makeup on.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't have any ugly features, I just think I must be so plain that I'm invisible?

Why are you expect compliments? I go with how I feel about how I look. Learn to be confident in yourself and that will show. Cultivate other non physical qualities.

I think you have to play to your strengths. I am very pale so I was never going to look natural with a lot of fake tan. I have always played up my blue green eyes with a light touch of brown eyeshadow used as a liner plus some concealer to hide the shadows. My hair would never hold a curl do I went the opposite way with a straight look. I have a rather square jaw and it is more flattering to have my hair pulled back at the front as it puts more emphasis on my cheekbones. My male flatmate years ago told me I might be flat chested but I had great legs and why was I wearing granny skirts and I did get the point.

Also colour can make a huge difference - any yellow based or pale pastel color makes me look ill. Somebody once described me as looking corpselike in pale pink and camel is nearly as bad. Getting clothes tailored to fit is a nuisance but it can make a tremendous difference in your appearance.

I don't think people do generally compliment physical appearance for no reason, unless it's a drastic change or an occasion. It can also be seen as unprofessional in the workplace (depending) as others have said.

I'm sure you look perfectly fine. It sounds like you put some effort in, too.

Are you maybe over doing your makeup? I like a more old fashioned natural look rather than the false everything, crazy black eyebrow/eyeliner/6 inch nail "art" nails Essex girl style that a lot of younger girls go for (not that I would judge but I wouldn't compliment that either).

I think so much of glowing and attracting compliments and effusive approval is in your demeanour and general affect; if you look happy and comfortable with yourself, and you genuinely feel good, relaxed and don’t feel self conscious then people feed on that and you will inspire and make them feel good and they naturally want to talk to you and tell you about it.

I’m sure we’ve all seen women (or people in general) who are preened and coiffured to within an inch of their lives but you can just tell that they feel deeply uncomfortable with themselves and so self conscious that they’re almost painful to observe and it’s clearly difficult for them to relax and to relax in their company.

I would work on your confidence and self esteem, you are more than enough exactly as you came out of the box, the expensive hair and skin care, etc should be the cherry on top of a lovely cake, not something that you feel you must do to compensate for something you’re see yourself as lacking.

Also, if you’re getting a lot of frizz in your hair you’re probably styling it in a way that is fighting against your natural hair texture, might be time to reassess your hair care routine and see if there’s something that would work better for your texture/the weather, etc.

I would get compliments if I wore make up or got my hair done, but only because I DON'T spend a lot of time and money on my appearance (so it would be only for a special occasion). I can't think why if I looked like that all the time people would give a compliment.

Impossible to say without a photo

Learnt this on a course at work - I have a role where networking is essential and get other teams to action things for us.

The best (quickest) way to make connections with people is compliment &/or tell them you appreciate them - you can use anything you like; could be:
what they're wearing
great presentation
you appreciate them explaining something to you..............

BUT it has to be an authentic compliment that you mean. People can tell when you are being fake / sucking up.

Maybe you start acting in a way you'd like to be treated?

You may not think you look "done" but to lots of people you probably look really made up etc.

You sound very appearance focussed. This can be very off-putting. It really isn't what people judge you on. Most people don't go around giving gushing compliments on haircuts etc.

@Pipsquiggle thats from How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I had a female boss who had obviously learnt that technique. She’d pay you a lovely complement but I learnt to count to 5 and wait for the favour she wanted.

I think a lot of it comes down to confidence. I have two groups of friends I go out with. The first group we're all fairly young looking for our age, well dressed, some of the girls are quite attractive, and yet we don't get chatted up loads on nights out, I think we're all fairly quiet and probably come off as quite a closed group.
The other group are all a bit older, not as conventionally good looking etc but they're all very confident, smiley, friendly and they get lots of attention on nights out.

I honestly think that's the biggest difference.

If you always look good it might just be that people don't think to compliment you.

I hate being complimented on my weight. My weight fluctuates, but there's some people who always tell me I've lost weight and look good when it's low, and are silent otherwise - so I know they think I look worse for looking bigger. I genuinely do not care. I don't care about their opinion, I don't care about them noticing. I do however find it insulting when they mention it, I think because I find the assumption that I care - as if I should care - insulting.

How do you feel about yourself though? Self confidence is very charismatic and is projected outwards. I think this is what others find attractive. You need to feel good about yourself and love who you are - do you?

@itsanok, how terrible would it be if you weren't attractive? In what ways would it damage your life?

@43ontherocksporfavor

oh man! I hope I don't come across like that but I think the trick is you genuinely have to believe the compliment you're saying

Janis Joplin was voted 'Ugliest Man' at uni and it nearly destroyed her. I suppose it did, eventually.
Voting on looks is horrendous, so unacceptable for 2023.
Sorry to go off the point but the 'I came 8th out of 200' comment had me properly shocked.

People do fancy you OP. They just didn’t tell you.

I suspect you’re very pretty and everyone thinks that’s so obvious they don’t mention it.

Sorry to go off the point but the 'I came 8th out of 200' comment had me properly shocked.

Me too! We used to have those at college and university over 20 years ago. I've name changed because I was discussing with old friends relatively recently how old fashioned and awful that was and how at least they'd dropped that sort of thing nowadays. Did anyone else have this at college or university?

There wasn't an official list of candidates to vote for in our case either, so you'd have random people approaching and asking for your name and then you'd wonder what category they planned to nominate you for, if they didn't tell you.

It was all looks based, so most fanciable, best looking, best figure (!) and a male and female category for each. There was also a 'most blonde/blond' category 🤔

I won the best looking category one year and had to be forced to go up to collect my 'award' I was quite reserved and was mortified. I didn't attend the end of year events, where these awful things featured, after that.

I think there is a lot of truth in the above.

In your 20s its often the case that we worry about how people see us, we're still changing and getting use to careers and different situations.

Maybe you have got the wrong people around you. A lot of people are so wrapped up in themselves, they only worry about their own concerns and their own appearance, and are just not observant about others.
Maybe friends who are appearance-orientated can be quite competitive and maybe that is why they don't hand out compliments. You won't need compliments if you are confident in yourself.

So forget about the people around you who don't take much interest in you and really plan to focus on improving your self-esteem and self- confidence. Overall Focus on things which develop your mind and your interests and keep your life busy in a good way, that will definitely improve things and take the emphasis off how you feel about your looks. Make plans for an interesting trip of some sort.
You may already do the following, so apologies, but they are just ideas.

Keeping fit and healthy can really give you a boost. Maybe take up a sport or join a club doing something active. It will take the emphasis off your appearance and help you meet new people with similar interests.

You may have already done this but maybe finding a hairdresser who does proper consultations and can give advice about the right products to combat the frizzy which you think is a problem. Also.. in terms of clothes etc... a lot of stores have "consultants" who can help you pick clothes/colours that suit you. Have a browse about. I once had to buy something from a big high street shop for an event and it was a free service - she really helped me pick out something nice and I was very happy to have that advice. It was better than a friend would have suggested, because she was focussed on it and really knew her stuff.

It's good to treat others as you'd like to be treated yourself but with one proviso, - be very wary of treading the path of being overly people pleasing - although its tricky line to tread.
Remember, you are just as important as anyone else. You have a value, never mind what you look like, so acknowledge that to yourselve.
Being calmly assertive and knowing what you want and saying so is also attractive I think. It's better to say what you want and be direct, rather than make people work it out.

OP not wanting to be unkind, but do you think your facial expression might be off putting? Resting butch face or just looking sad all the time?

I think it's an internal thing, I honestly do. I mostly get compliments off other women (mostly straight women and some bi/gay women). They often compliment my physical looks, but I actually think they find me attractive because I am confident, a good communicator and quite funny (rent a gob really). I think Sean Lock was gorgeous because he was just a hilarious good person, with a twinkle in his eye. You can see on TV programmes most people just fell in love with him and when he dies the way people spoke about him was so touching and complimentary.

People compliment people who they feel comfortable and connect with, if you have a closed off, quiet or nervous personality you might not get that same level of interaction no matter the hair or skin or body. That's not a failure of you or your looks or your personality OP, it's just human interpersonal relationships. Hope you find something to boost that confidence asap

Ah fair enough I understand your point better now

Men should have to pass some sort of test before they are unleashed into civilised society, and girls should be trained to disregard any compliments or insults from the opposite sex as the utter irrelevancies they are.

I’ m really sorry that pathetic scrote humiliated you. I can just imagine how badly that must have burned. But, he didn’t have the maturity to be in a relationship and his opinion, if it even deserves to be called that, is utterly irrelevant.

I remember how lonely my early twenties were, when everyone else seemed coupled up and I didn’t have a boyfriend or anyone interested. I honestly wish I had enjoyed myself more because by the time I found my confidence, started solo travelling and living life to my own agenda, there was only a year before I met dh.

Im not going to lie - I love being married, with dc but I wish I’d made more of those early opportunities when I only had myself to worry about.

Looking back now, I’m honestly glad I wasn’t better looking because the women who were weren’t having an easier time. And being in relationships from a young age makes it harder to grow into yourself. By the time I met dh I knew myself, and had to be better than being alone which by then was a very tall order. I’m also not afraid of being alone again which puts you in a very strong position in a relationship because you can hold your boundaries without fear.

I’m imagining that you’re quite young still @itsanok and if you are it really does get so much better after your teens and twenties.

think some of it is probably the vibe I give off. I'm quite shy and I think I give off a 'leave me alone' impression without meaning to. That's probably at least 90% of it. Try getting in the habit of looking outward not inward. If you're in a group, is there someone whe's getting left out a bit? What can you do to draw them in? Before you think about what someone thinks of you, work out what you think of them. And if you don't think much of them, then what does it matter what they think of you?

I get far more compliments at 70+ than I did in my 20s. But I looked far prettier in my 20s with my clear skin and long thick dark hair. But now I'm more confident, I take it for granted people will like me, and I smile more often.

(In my teens I got called "virgin-face". These things stick. Even though they're being said by a scruffy kid with poor self esteem wanting to look big in front of his mates)

And Janis Joplin wasn't ugly! She just didn't look like Doris fucking Day but my god she was a better singer. Jealousy can people so cruel.