Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Aibu to ask for a bag for a special b day ( like 50th)

106 replies

Notoldeeally · 19/11/2023 11:04

Hi , its a ‘ special’ b day this year. My d step m asked me what I wd like for my b day and referred to it as my special b day.

i said a certain bag which is £80

i admit i half heartedly felt i had to check it was ok and said if its too much £ tell me

she is not struggling for money . She has several holidays a year . Not skegness! But we are talking african and indian tours.

I got a message saying i will give you £ 60 towards the bag

with all the choices she have i wd have liked her to make the choice to buy the bag

ive messaged saying as my b day drawers nearer i feel that i dont want to contribute to my b day present and explained i was simply being polite asking if it was too much and that people do like to be treated .

aibu?
She treats herself and i just wanted that to be applied to me .

I know it may sound childish. History here .

OP posts:

Original poster

Notoldeeally · 19/11/2023 11:32

burnoutbabe no i dont normally get what you describe as nice gifts
i simply though a well off person woukd be happy to buy a bag

OP posts:

TheAbsurd · 19/11/2023 11:32

How much would she usually spend on your birthday?

Sofaz34 · 19/11/2023 11:32

You don't get to dictate what people spend on you and being 50 is no different to 49 in terms of gifts unless you are throwing a massive celebration where you are covering all the costs. £60 is pretty generous and obviously what she feels comfortable spending. I hope you spend wyhe same as you want to receive on all your relatives. Put your life into perspective, there are people who can't afford to eat let alone get their family expensive gifts, why are you so materialistic. Just say thanks that's very kind of you.

Original poster

Notoldeeally · 19/11/2023 11:34

As other s have said . £80 is not a lot for a close family member . If you have lots of spare cash I mean .
i gave her cheaper options .

OP posts:

Original poster

Notoldeeally · 19/11/2023 11:35

Sofaz34 yes i am having a celebration and covering cost

OP posts:

waitholdup · 19/11/2023 11:36

Massively unreasonable

She has said she will put money towards it.

fishshop · 19/11/2023 11:40

OP you are going to get kicking. On MN birthdays are for children and you are spoilt and vile and horrible for expecting anything more than a big bar of chocolate from WH Smith

you absolutely were not unreasonable to ask a parent (I assume SM is buying on behalf of your dad because it’s wimmin’s work) to spend £80 on a ‘big birthday’ if a) they have asked you what you want b) they have the means. It’s not like you have delivered an expensive list to a parent on universal credit unprompted, demanding they get you something.

they shouldn’t have asked if they didn’t want an answer, but neither of you are being unreasonable tbh. You gave them an out, and she took it.

She doesn’t have to get it for you, but you absolutely weren’t U to give an honest answer to something you’d use, and isn’t a huge amount of money for someone with cash by any means.

FWIW if I have the means I absolutely will be treating my daughter on her big birthday even as an adult and I wouldn’t feel this was cheeky or spoilt at all.

BoohooWoohoo · 19/11/2023 11:41

Rich people are often rich because they are frugal.
I understand why you're disappointed that she offered less than the full cost of the bag and would have preferred her saying that she'd buy you a gift up to £60 but it's her money so her choice. The fact that she easily spends that on herself is neither here nor there as it's her money.

zingally · 19/11/2023 11:44

When you said "bag" I was thinking in the multiple of 100s. I don't think £80 is too much for a special birthday - at least it wouldn't be in my family, and none of us are rich by any stretch of the imagination.

We don't know your history though. She's your step-mother, how long has she been in your life? Did she help raise you? Or come along later? Where's your dad in this? For a non-blood relative, £80 is quite a lot, but if you're close, and she's been like another mum to you, it seems odd.

But as I say, we don't know the dynamics here. Perhaps you'd have been better off giving some options, rather than £80 or nothing.

KatBurglar · 19/11/2023 11:45

Some people go large for birthdays, some don't.

In my family we spend about £25 on birthdays for adult family members. It's a token and the real treat is spending time together at a family meal or similar.

You wanted an expensive item for a birthday gift, your stepmum gave you her budget. You're being a brat about it now.

Her disposible income is none of your business.

JMSA · 19/11/2023 11:46

I'd be delighted to get the bag I wanted for £20!
You should start looking at it like that.

Loubelle70 · 19/11/2023 11:46

I would have loved a small gift, from anyone tbh. When i was 50 i received nothing...i treat myself. YABU. I dont see it as big birthday anyway. 40, 60, 80 maybe.
You said if its too much thats fine, but its not is it? You didn't mean that. I think £60 is more than enough...if ive had a monetary gift, i will probably put to for something i want.

Loubelle70 · 19/11/2023 11:50

Notoldeeally · 19/11/2023 11:34

As other s have said . £80 is not a lot for a close family member . If you have lots of spare cash I mean .
i gave her cheaper options .

People can do as they please with their money OP...excess or not. It does sound brattish and grabby. Im 51..if my step mum offered 60 quid towards a bag, id think it was too much! Rich or not

ThinWomansBrain · 19/11/2023 11:55

£80 is not a lot for a close family member

Is that typically what you spend on gifts for her?
My sister and I typically spend a lot less - on the basis that there's anything we specifically want we can afford to buy it for ourselves, and not rely on the chance of getting the wrong thing.

(well, TBF, my sister always expects a list, and does get it horribly wrong in terms of my taste is she doesn't have a list or goes off piste)

maximist · 19/11/2023 11:57

Scalottia · 19/11/2023 11:29

Bloody hell the punctuation and abbreviations in your post make it annoying to read OP.

Also, YABU.

Perhaps the mother is only giving 75% of the gift as OP has only used 75% of the letters needed to ask for it....

MinnieL · 19/11/2023 11:58

Why are you typing like you’re stuck in 2005?

Luxell934 · 19/11/2023 12:00

Sorry but just because you deem her able to afford this amount of money and she apparently treats herself (with her own money) doesn't mean she should spend it on you.

Is it your fathers money she's spending?

Tinkerbyebye · 19/11/2023 12:03

Wow talk about entitled. 50 and acting like a spoilt petulant child.

She has told you she will put £60 towards a bag, be grateful, you don’t actually know her finances

personally if i was her and got the response from you you would get nothing. Ever again

SunshineAndFizz · 19/11/2023 12:31

Yeah you are unreasonable. You can't make assumptions on how much someone is 'happy' to pay for your present. They spend however much on themselves because it's their money.

I actually think it's even more rude to turn down their offer of £60 because you don't want to contribute yourself.

KatBurglar · 19/11/2023 12:49

Wow talk about entitled. 50 and acting like a spoilt petulant child.

@Tinkerbyebye - In fairness to OP, she said a significant birthday LIKE a 50th. Which I'm taking as a 21st or a 25th based on the spoilt brat entitled tone.

(Although in fairness neither my 21 not 25 are so grabby)

dontgobaconmyheart · 19/11/2023 12:56

But OP the basic point here thT you're missing is that it doesn't matter how much money they have, it's their money and not yours. You've zero entitlement to more of it or any of it at all just because you're related or because you think they're wealthy (not your money, not your business).

You've embarrassed yourself and been disrespectful and still think the problem is them. You'd be getting nothing at all from me after trying to manipulate and guilt to get more spent on you.

Do you not have a job? Buy your own bag.

Wishimaywishimight · 19/11/2023 13:09

Stop going on about how "wealthy" she is.

You sound as though you feel entitled to her money.

You do not sound like a 49 year old.

shivawn · 19/11/2023 13:15

Sounds awkward all around. She sounds awkward not just spending the extra £20 and you sound awkward for not just accepting the £60. How much do you normally spend for her big birthdays?

Original poster

Notoldeeally · 19/11/2023 13:20

MinnieL because of a neurological issue

OP posts:

Original poster

Notoldeeally · 19/11/2023 13:23

zingally been step mum since i was 6 .

dad has passed away .

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5