Can't stop thinking about what school have said

[Catsandcuddles]

My child has started school this year. He's classed as a summer born, although not the youngest (May birthday). He did a phased start and appeared to settle in well, first parents event was generally positive and I thought school was going well.

Fast forward a month and my son is having some problems. He keeps telling us he doesn't want to go to school, and 2 times this week I've had the teacher pull me at the end of the day to have a word about his behaviour. She mentioned something about "sensory seeking" and they would continue to monitor him and went on to say they might have to call us in about some additional support if his behaviours continue.

I havent heard of senory seeking before so I have looked online and it's planted a seed and put a doubt in my mind. I am now wondering if my child has some additional needs that I've never noticed, or is he just showing normal 4 year old behaviour. The worse thing is, I'm over analysing every thing my child does and thinking is this a sensory thing.

In addition to this, i have noticed his behaviour has become quite challenging at home since starting school. Not listening, not leaving the cats alone , refusing to tody his toys, all of these things which havent been an issue in the past..For some context, prior to school he was at a private nursery 4 full days a week. He was hapoy, thrived, had a good group of friends, good behaviour etc, there was never any mention of any concerns about his behaviour or from the SENCO.

So I'm just struggling to process this new information, did nursery /myself miss these cues or maybe my son is just struggling with the transition from nursery into school.

Sorry its long, but I just can't stop thinking, worrying and over analysing everything he does so would welcome anyone's input, has anyone experienced anything similar?

School is so different to nursery, our child struggled for a while as well despite having been in nursery since he was a baby. He suddenly became the “naughty kid” after a few months in reception and it was tough. We were often being pulled aside by the teacher at the end of the day.

We’re a few years into school now and he was diagnosed with ADHD. The school environment triggers it - home and I guess nursery didn’t. I assume it also just became more apparent as he got older. Not saying your child has the same thing, but it took a while for this to show up and we were surprised as we don’t see it much at home.

Just keep working with the school, keep updated with how his day went, consider whether you can implement any strategies for behaviour at home. Our teacher asked what we did and then made sure she did the same at school for consistency. It really helped and eventually we were rarely pulled aside at pick-up.

Not much help here I'm afraid , but I do feel for you .
Could you ask his teacher to be more specific , give examples of behaviour causing concern ?
More disruptive behaviour , if there are incidents of that , might well be because he's adjusting to the new situation .
Could you talk to his previous setting to see if they have anything to contribute .
Please try not to worry too much , they're so little and have so much to cope with . And they're individuals , coping in individual ways .

It is a really big transition moving from nursery to school.

The school is raising something that COULD be an issue, but it doesn't mean things won't settle back down.

It is so hard not to worry, in fact it is good parenting to consider what could be going on, but I would try to keep an open mind if you can.

Is the class size a lot bigger at school than at nursery OP? Have you noticed your DS having any sensory issues (sensitivity to noise, clotting etc)? My DD is autistic & it’s a bit different as she really struggled at nursery too but I’ve been told that some neurodiverse children start to show more traits as demands increase. Basically as they get older more is expected of them & they find it harder to cope. I know this is particularly the case with girls that tend to mask a lot more. If your DS seems very dysregulated at home it could be because he is having to contain himself a lot at school. At nursery it is generally freer, you can wander about more easily but at school even in reception it seems there is more expectation to sit down & stay still for at least some of the day. I’m not saying your DS is neurodiverse but I would keep an open mind especially if the school are receptive to providing him with more support.

The transition from nursery to school can be challenging for quite a few kids.

One of the reasons it can be challenging is because children are going from an environment with a few children per adult to an environment where there are up to 30 children and possibly only one adult.

The first term in reception, which covering phonics and maths etc, is also about training them in the behaviours that they need to develop in order to succeed at school - being able to sit quietly at carpet time, walking not running down the school corridors, etc.

Basically they need to be socialised so that the teacher can teach.

Lots of kids don't like this particularly but with positive feedback will get there.

It might be worth talking to the teacher about what specifically is the problem - is he wiggly at carpet time (in which case a wobble cushion might help), is he too chatty and interrupts the teacher? Try to find out specifically what is the issue and then see if you can train him in a positive way - stickers go a very long way at that age.

My kid was great at nursery. With in two weeks we were in school with very similar messages to you.

told the school they didn’t know what they were talking about

yeah I was wrong over 5 to 8 pretty difficult needs starting emerging and ended up in special school.

Thanks everyone, I'll try and answer the points raised.

ADHD has crossed my mind, he's fidgety, doesn't like being still, interrupts conversations but I don't think it's enough to just assume this on these behaviours alone as he's still only 4.

School have mentioned his behaviour is disruptive. Being silly , quite loud, doesn't want to to stand in a line , liked some children's faces (the sensory seeking point)

The class size is 26, but 2 classes in each year group so There willl often will be 40 odd kids. In his class there are 2 teaches are 2 TAs.

Schoold have told me that they are only asked to be sat down to work for short spells , no longer than 5 to 10 mins so it doesn't seem excessive the expectations they have.

Things that could be relative but I'm not sure. He's under ENT referral and has problems with his ears, grommets have been mentioned previously. He had sleep apnea as a child and his quality of sleep is still not great. Often wakes up. His behaviour was fine until he had a sickness bug wnd spend 2 days at home, since then hes never wanted to go back . Just says he's wants to be at home with me.

LICKED a child's face, not liked

Do you mind me asking how quickly these additional needs emerged? Was it pretty much straight away or over a number of years?

My ds is younger but funnily enough we are also under the ENT and grommets are a possibility.

DS’s behaviour in the days prior to his ear bursting can be so difficult and I inevitably get bad reports from nursery, whining (he isn’t whiny as a rule) and manic behaviour then tantrums when he gets hurt.

While I know I’ll get jumped on for this, I do think sometimes teachers can be a little hasty with suggesting things may be down to neurodiversity. It’s good they consider it as a possibility of course but the downside is it can get parents very worried. The problem is because these conditions aren’t like a blood test or similar - it’s literally a set of symptoms or behaviours and behaviour can be learned and mimicked and also be a self fulfilling prophecy. It’s not unusual for siblings of children with ASD or ADHD to display similar behaviour even though they aren’t ND - it’s just what they’ve learned as normal.

I will try to find it - there was an interesting article about this topic, where a girl was diagnosed with dyslexia but she didn’t have it.

I think I’d be inclined to tread carefully as silly behaviour is absolutely not unheard of in four year olds but you do obviously want it to stop.

The ears issue is very very relevant.

Kids with hearing issues often struggle in the very noisy environment of a reception class - even if they are at a table doing an adult led activity they can struggle to filter out what the teacher/TA is saying against the noise of the rest of the class.

I'd look into seeing if you can do anything about that first.

Ear infections would also make this worse.

He may literally not be able to hear the adult and then be being told of for not doing what he is supposed to he doing and he's thinking - but nobody said!

Maybe ask the teacher/TA if he can be sat at the front at carpet time, or if when doing an adult led activity she can check he has heard and understood instructions.

Funnily enough one of his ears have been very red over the last few days, his ears are always full of wax too but nobody seems to think that's an issue. I've bought olive oil ear drops this week to give that a go whilst we wait for his next appointment. Hopefully soon.

I have told his teacher about his ears and group settings , but I think it would be worthwhile asking them what they do , just incase he isn't hearing them.

I don't want that to become an excuse though if there is genuinely something else going on..doesn't help that I'm a massive worrier and anxious person

For the school needs were immediate in the teachers opinion. For me I was in denial.

Agree with the above that the ears are highly relevant.

This is also the time of year eats play up especially if you're susceptible to ear problems.

It's very disorienting.

I think they are looking at a big picture - Eg the behaviour and face licking holistically which is correct. But isolated a child licking another's face isn't totally weird - kids that age are weird and so odd things 😂

Talk to her Monday about his ears and make a GP appointment to discuss his ears and what teacher has said.

And try not to worry. He's just 4yo. Whatever the route cause if the behaviour early identification is always the key to work on skills and so it's great the school are acting.

I already feel more reassured after reading these replies so thank you. It sounds like the ears are probably more important that I'd realised so will see if I can get his next appointment moved forward!

Firstly, lots of little ones are exhausted now, and it will get worse as we head towards Christmas. Even dc who have been used to Nursery are almost all shattered during the long haul that is the Autumn Term.

In Nursery, it is very much child led, and the dc can choose what they do throughout the day. Although in theory Reception is also supposed to follow the EYFS too, it is a very different kettle of fish in terms of expectations.

That said, it is good the teacher is having a word with you now, and letting you know about how he presents at school. It potentially might be signs that he is having some issues or it could well be his ears bothering him or him not hearing a lot of what is being said or it could be tiredness, or a combination of these. What you wouldn't have wanted is to sit down at Parents' evening, or to be called in to a meeting in the Spring Term to discuss a list of issues that haven't been mentioned before.

Sensory seeking isn't massively unusual, even as adults we do it - clicking on a pen, swiveling on a office chair, or the opposite turning the car radio down to 'see' better.

Before you start worrying about possible additional needs (which aret uncommon anyway) sort out the physical issues, ask the school to treat him using the same techniques as if he was hard of hearing as currently he hearing issues. Once the physical issue is sorted see if that resolves the issue. Also it might help to explain why he needs to sit still, sit in his chair etc instead of moving around. There are also aid which can be used such as wobble cushions which might be useful,if school won't buy one,get one yourself and ask the teacher to try it with him.

My 3yo has just started a primary nursery and she's loving it but noticeably 'stims' more since starting.. flapping her arms, tantrums more often (over things like socks/cereal).. I've put it down to tiredness, although she is used to 5 days a week in nursery, school is a different ball game and the shorter day doesn't compensate for the more rigid routine.

Also, she had more wee accidents in nursery and is dry all day at home and school - so there is a difference in what may be noticed in nursery vs. school settings.

Try and take comfort that the school have noticed and are supporting/keeping in contact with you about it. Could you write down/journal each day and things that stick out?

Building and communicating the picture might help in supporting you and your LO.

Lots of love OP.

I agree with it herself about ears and I also think the summer birn but is relevant. Generally it's nit until year 2/3 that summer burns even out with the rest of class. Lots of his cohort were in nursery free playing at his age, dobt over look thus especially socially for the first portion if not all of primary school - this is why deferring is becoming more popular.
I honestly at 4 wouldn't worry about sensory seeking most dc do it one way or another,just keep asking for specifics and keep a note. Ensure the school are meeting his sensory needs too- ask how they plan to do this.

I’m a secondary school teacher so aware that these concerns might solve themselves by then, but they are very apparent in older children with ADHD. Particularly the masking and expressing the frustration after the end of a day spent masking. Your child is too young to understand what that is but spending 6 hours suppressing their natural instincts is like a pressure cooker which erupts in the home safe space. It’s nothing you’ve missed and nothing you probably would have ever seen at home because your child clearly sees that as a safe space, which is a lovely positive for you.

As a disclaimer - I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. My (lovely, supportive) mum said when I told her “oh we always thought there was something but you were so good at school we never pursued it” 😂

If the school had just said he’s attention seeking, you might not be overly worried. Going beyond that is too far in my view. Especially as nursery hadn’t seen any issues. He is old enough to understand that he cannot spend all day playing at school but can with you. You probsbly don’t have many firm requirements of him except putting toys away, I would work with the school and clearly lots of Dc doing what he does would be very difficult to manage so they want a calmer child too.

Personally I think summer born is overstated. He’s spent a huge amount of time at nursery and that is learning and socialising. There were no difficulties so he was ready for school. So get ears sorted and work with the school. Also keep talking to him about Christmas at school and the things he likes. Has he gone to school with friends? Does he see any child for playing? Do explain about respecting the teacher and other dc. It does matter but mostly Dc “get” what’s expected of them.

My son had glue ear. Our GP was useless and despite having his ears checked repeatedly we were told, "He is a laconic little chap". (My son has an older brother whose ear problems were picked much ealier but they had recurrent infection and he didnt so we did get his ears checked.) We were eventually told that he was delayed but not necessarily retarded. (I apologize for that term as I think it might be offensive nowadays but I was so shocked I just blurted it out to the person who reviewed him.) I took him immediately for a hearing test. He was 4. He co-operated beautifully but I could see the tester's face and I knew he completely failed the test.

He saw an ENT specialist several days later who confirmed he had glue ear and could hear very little. Within a week he had grommets because she had a cancelation on her list. We had not spotted he was deaf. We think he taught himself to lipread and was very good at picking up non-verbal cues. He fooled creche staff, doctors and even a rather hopeless special education teacher.

The time without hearing affected his speech because children may hear somewhat and might follow commands but don't hear well enough to make the correct speech sounds. With glue ear the hearing may fluctuate. He had speech therapy. I do think the lack of hearing may have contributed to or made his ADHD worse. (There is a very mild family history and I have a very good academic record and hold down a very respondible professional job.) He did struggle at school and had a lot of tutoring. He has just finished a university degree.

Whatever it takes, I'd urge you to get his ears properly checked. I so regret not having noticed the problem earlier. Strangely the specialist told me had ended up with particularly keen hearing in the end and he was one of the few teenagers who went round turning the music down.

I was told while waiting for grommets that when I talked to him I should get him to face me and speak very clearly. I tested him out by standing right behind him and saying did he want me to buy him a chocolate bar which was a very rare treat and he loved the stuff. He didn't hear a word or react at all. That's when I realised how deaf he really was.

Sorry apart from getting him to face me I was also to get down to his level to speak to maximize his chances of hearing though it soon became obvious that he was largely lipreading.

Ears are definitely relevant.

Also, get his eyes checked if you haven't already.

It is often the case with children with additional needs that those needs don't really become apparent until children are outside of an environment that can be altered to suit their needs (like at home or in a good nursery). It's only when they're in the more demanding environment of school that their needs begin to show up. For lots of children their needs become more evident with age because they can be explained away as age appropriate when they're little. It's only when their peer group start to grow out of these behaviours that their behaviour becomes more obviously problematic.

But of course it's also true that lots of small kids struggle to adapt to school and are silly/disruptive and they just need a bit of time to settle/get used to the new environment.

Chase up his ear appointment, get his eyes tested and engage with the school. That's all you can do at this point, the rest is just waiting.

I've heard a lot recently about how school can be like a prison and incredibly stressful to young boys. Having to sit still for as long as they have to, less activity etc etc can bring about challenging or odd behaviours, acting out, being unable to sit still, being disruptive etc.

It could be at nursery he was able to run around all day but in school his physical activity may have been cut right back.

I have zero qualification in this - so please take what I'm saying with a huge pinch of salt - but as something you can do immediately, easily and wouldn't harm him in anyway - is - seek to find ways for him to burn off more energy before and after school i.e physical activity and not just walking but things like climbing, swimming, jumping etc.

This is not me saying don't explore the other things - just saying while you're exploring other avenues, try increasing his physical activity every day to burn off some energy - it might help (or it might not) but it certainly won't hurt.