Can't stop thinking about what school have said

[Catsandcuddles]

My child has started school this year. He's classed as a summer born, although not the youngest (May birthday). He did a phased start and appeared to settle in well, first parents event was generally positive and I thought school was going well.

Fast forward a month and my son is having some problems. He keeps telling us he doesn't want to go to school, and 2 times this week I've had the teacher pull me at the end of the day to have a word about his behaviour. She mentioned something about "sensory seeking" and they would continue to monitor him and went on to say they might have to call us in about some additional support if his behaviours continue.

I havent heard of senory seeking before so I have looked online and it's planted a seed and put a doubt in my mind. I am now wondering if my child has some additional needs that I've never noticed, or is he just showing normal 4 year old behaviour. The worse thing is, I'm over analysing every thing my child does and thinking is this a sensory thing.

In addition to this, i have noticed his behaviour has become quite challenging at home since starting school. Not listening, not leaving the cats alone , refusing to tody his toys, all of these things which havent been an issue in the past..For some context, prior to school he was at a private nursery 4 full days a week. He was hapoy, thrived, had a good group of friends, good behaviour etc, there was never any mention of any concerns about his behaviour or from the SENCO.

So I'm just struggling to process this new information, did nursery /myself miss these cues or maybe my son is just struggling with the transition from nursery into school.

Sorry its long, but I just can't stop thinking, worrying and over analysing everything he does so would welcome anyone's input, has anyone experienced anything similar?

May is not summer born. He's actually middle to older in his year group. I hate the summer born excuse anyway I have worked with lots of children and in real life it just doesn't fit. What does though is personality. I do think the expectations of tiny dc are too much in this country. I understand it's difficult for teachers to manage but these are tiny children, it's normal for them to mess around and not always listen. It's normal for them to fidget and step out of line. It's also normal to lick other children. Little kids do all sorts of random stuff.
As an adhd and autism diagnosed person I think we are ridiculous in this country in that we expect little children just out of babyhood to fit a box and spend 6 hours a day in an unnatural environment. School is rigid and busy and new and noisy and there are so many rules it goes against everything we know about developing children yet we can't seem to marry the two up. Adhd and sen are real but we ignore the fact that diversity in any species is normal and perhaps if we accepted that it wouldn't be such a problem.

Op give it time and let your dc settle in. Nod and smile when approached by the teacher. If it's still an issue in a few months then you can address it further.

May is technically summer born for schools.
When phased entry was more commonplace there were 3 cohorts, Sept to Dec birthdays started September, Jan to April started January and May to August started after Easter.
The summer cohort were then 2 terms fewer before starting Year 1.

Agree with other posters. Ears and eyes checked is always a good move, the first term in school combined with Christmas can be really overwhelming for lots of children.

I would give him more time to settle into the routine.

Having said that- reception is when my daughter's autism was picked up. They never spotted it in preschool but she crumbled at school, she couldn't fit in with what expected of her. Although we saw signs at home as a toddler, I just never just realised.

Op give it time and let your dc settle in. Nod and smile when approached by the teacher. If it's still an issue in a few months then you can address it further.
I think this is great advice. I'm a mum and a granny and some children just take longer to accept the structure of a school day compared to the relative freedom of a nursery and your son may be one of these. My 4-yr old son was horrified that 'school' was for the next 14 years and he actually broke down and sobbed!

The teacher has been spot on in engaging with you over his actions but I'd be very reticent to self diagnose it as anything specific so soon Get his ears sorted and give him lots of love and cuddles while making it clear that staying at home is not an option and give it some more time. A miserable situation for you so a big hug 🤗

OP if he has Glue Ear you can get support through the NDCS and it's free to join.

I would definitely chase up the appointment tomorrow morning, it does sound as though his hearing could be contributing to how overall behaviour.

Don't dismiss the Teachers concerns though. They probably have experience of hundreds of 4 year schools olds and she's saying that your DS' behaviour is unusual for his age.

Definitely ask her to sit him at the front, talk to him clearly, face to face, and stress that he's having difficulty hearing but do also think that there might be a possibility that he's ND and ask if SENCO can assess him.

I clearly remember DDs first parents evening, the teacher reported that DD didn't play with other children and just watched them and had I noticed any differences. My nose was massively out of joint, how DARE she say that about my brilliant PFB who had thrived at playgroups and nursery, I brushed it off as her being an only child and the teacher clearly didn't know my child.

Turns out DD is autistic and we didn't find out until year 8! That teacher picked it up all those years ago before she started masking and I was too indignant to listen.

May is not summer born. He's actually middle to older in his year group.

eh ? How do you work that out ?

May is the 10th month of the academic year in England and Wales.
How can 10 out of 12 be "middle to older" ?
May is 1/2 way through the Summer Term.

The first term is the worst! I almost pulled DD (June birthday) out and was convinced she had a brain tumour as so overstimulated and constant headaches. It's the exhaustion and Xmas excitement, would be my first guess unless you have concerns at home

Sounds normal for a four year old. You have two options:- hope he settles in or move him.

One of my children had a terrible experience in school following this kind if start and went through hell for years. I wish I had taken him out when I first had concerns. Sometimes school and child are not a good fit. Child's siblings had good experiences at the same school.

Ds was similar.

In his case it was put down to being a summer baby "he'll grow out of it" and glue ear. He had severe glue ear, and grommets three times.

Turns out he also has ASD and ADHD. I do wish I'd pushed for proper assessments at infant age. It would have been so much better. He finally got diagnosed at 13yo.

May is still classed as 'summer born' as we had the option to defer school until 2024. We chose not to, as we both thought our son was mentally and physically ready for school this year.

His best friends at school, who he knew from nursery have already turned 5 and I've already noticed how they appear to more sensible so I do think the 8 months at this young age does make a difference. However as they get older, less so. Though it could also be personality traits

I've given it some more thought today, I've calmed down and not worrying as much as I've got a plan. I'll call his ENT secretary tomorrow to see if we can get a quicker appointment as his last one was about 7 months ago. I'm also going to ask to speak to the teacher just to understand more about what exactly her concerns are.

I've managed to get my son to talk to me abit more about why he isn't enjoying school. He said he hasn't been able to go outside as much recently due to his bad cough ( my doing as I asked the teacher to limit his outdoor play until he cough eased as it was causing him to be sick) the cough has finally got better so I'll be telling his teacher that he can go out as much as he wants this week. He's definitely better when he's out time outside at home so I think that's a massive thing for him.

Anyway , its too early doors to know but I don't think there is any harm in talking to his teacher. I definitely don't want to consider moving schools either at this point as someone suggested, he isn't deeply unhappy and I want to give the school a chance. It's a good, nice school and this could just be a settling in blip and me being a massive overthinker haha

How odd. Not allowed to go outside with a cough? Why not? Fresh air is good. So he’s cooped up and not happy and then misbehaves. Let him run around and join in. Having access to water is useful if he coughs.

This sounds very similar to when my daughter started at school. I could have almost written this post. She was fine at nursery apart from slightly delayed speech which we put down to ENT issues. (She couldn’t breathe properly and was always snotty). So nothing was picked up pre school but when we thought about it she had always shown sensory seeking behaviour and always been quite hyperactive.

Her school were rubbish and didn’t mention any issues until Easter (after she’d started to be bullied for being different) then refused to let us speak to the Senco until the last week of term in reception.

She’s now in year 3 at a different, much more inclusive school and has been diagnosed with autism and is likely to have adhd. She’s not very obviously autistic so I was surprised she got diagnosed but now I’ve met more autistic people I’ve broadened my views about it.

I was gutted when they first mentioned autism but she’s still the same person she was so a diagnosis doesn’t make any difference and it has meant she gets more help at school and hopefully people are more understanding.

I know that sensory seeking and sensory issues are quite common and don’t necessarily mean autism or adhd.

A lot of additional needs emerge at that age (I am not saying that is your child's case). Some children are sensory seeking more than the others and they do not have additional needs. Give it time and try to speak with the teacher and explore the behaviour. Ask school to message you when the particular behaviour is displayed, ask for circumstances etc.
Then you will have some timeliness and possibly trigers (or simply problems that you could discuss with your child).

Hi OP, yes you are right the sensory stuff could be a red flag for a heap of NT conditions from autism, ADHD, sensory processing disorder or special needs, but it could be just a child adjusting or going through a phase, or certainly responding to an ear problem. So my advice to you would be to not panic or overthink and just deal with the behaviour as it presents right now. You certainly didn't miss flags, some behaviours don't become apparent until the child is older because we have different expectations of them.

If you've looked up sensory seeking you will see there are many types, from the oral seeking such a licking, chewing strange items to rough play, banging into others or jiggly legs. Sometimes the right props like a wriggle cushion or a chewy item can make the world of a difference to a child at 4. Sometimes they need a 'sensory diet', this would involve timing sensory activities throughout the day to avoid them getting too agitated. Like a regulation system. If he is jumping around and bumping others, look up proprioception or proprioceptive sensory seeking. If its mostly oral look up oral sensory seeking. Look up stimming behaviours and see if any relate to your child.

Try to find out what the triggers are, is it certain times of the day, what is the lighting, noise level, are people standing closer to him, is there music, strong smells etc. Sometimes the trigger doesn't necessarily relate to the action, so loud noises may cause a child to shout or push or lick, they are overstimulated so need to regulate themselves. Ask the teachers to note the triggers they see as they might be different.

For now I would recommend going to an OT, pay privately if you can. There is so much information out there on sensory processing you will get overwhelmed, and you'll be doing trial and error with different techniques. However if you and your DS see an OT who can assess his needs, they will give you a list of things like exercises or props that help regulate him.

My DS is now nearly 8 and it has dialled down a lot lately but he's always been sensory seeking. He has to touch something and uses touch and smell to explore and relax. He found noise very overwhelming and would use his body to self-soothe, wring his hands, cover his ears, rock. Now he still moves constantly but it's subtle.

He has no additional needs, no autism or ADHD, he is super well behaved at school and absolutely flying in the class with no trouble.

I think some children are just built to explore the world a little differently than others. Your son may be the same, or he may in time require additional support.

There is a lot less freedom in school - they can't just do what they want. They have to sit still for certain amounts of time and a lot of them get really distracted. I work in schools and I see some element of this in every reception class. Not all teachers are the same though, and some are less lenient than others.

My son was also a summer birthday and didn't like school that much at first. He'd also gone to nursery and that was fine. In school, he struggled with sitting on the carpet and wanted to do things which were not part of the school day. He's much older now but definitely went through phases of not listening at home and neither of my kids have been keen to tidy! My son has left school now, did very well and does not have additional needs. He was quite a lively personality who got told off for talking a lot though and definitely liked the social side of school! As a side point, it has been his fairly assertive personality that has got him to where he is now.

Just to be clear, I don't normally prevent him going outside with a cough but wasn't an run of the mill cough, it was the worst cough hes ever had..he coughed so hard he kept being sick so school sent him home. He has an inhaler over winter, cold weather affects his chest unfortunately but this was something else, my mum had been bedridden with it for a week also after catching it from him. He's better now and had a lot of outdoor play today and he came out of school happy and teacher said he's had a good day

Really helpful post thanks. He doesn't have a habit of licking people or things at home so I'm taking that with a pinch of salt . However, having looked at sensory seeking behaviour on google, he's a rough play type of child, loves bumping and crashing into things, loves jumping off the couch, being spun around, loves high adrenaline fairground rides, running off , what you would describe as a high energy child.

I always just thought he's a boisterous high energy child , and he may well just be, but it could be sensory flags so I'm keeping an open mind. ADHD has also crossed my mind at after looking at typical symptoms but not so much ASD. I suppose time will tell, but the school are very keen to address why he's upset about going in, as they don't want any child to be upset about going to school so we've got a meeting arranged.

Just to back up what @Emeraldsanddiamonds was saying , our eldest was discovered to be moderately deaf by a routine school hearing test when he was 6 . We had never noticed a problem but when they tested him he was apparently a pretty expert lip reader so it’s amazing what they can teach themselves and how much they can cover stuff up .

Can I just say @Catsandcuddles how nice it is that the school want to address why your DS is upset going in. It sounds like a simple thing but you’d be surprised how many schools don’t seem that keen to work out why!

How have things progressed? We’re in a similar boat with our DD who started school in Sept (Feb born so not Summer). There are a few differences but overall I could have written your post. She’s always been completely unable to sit still and was prone to tantrums throughout nursery. We generally made excuses for her and hoped she’d grow out of it though ADHD had crossed our mind.

Like you the teacher had no major concerns at her first parents evening (we asked about tantrums and she just said she’d had “a few little wobbles”. They also had her sitting on a special cushion from an early stage so had obviously noticed she can’t sit still). Since then she’s also been flagged as sensory seeking by school and we’ve got to go in next week to for a formal meeting to discuss some behaviour issues (not yet sure exactly what). Like you I hadn’t heard of the term but it does seem to fit. She’s very active, bounces, spins, crashes around, appears quite clumsy at times, can’t sit still (completely incapable) and also tactile (hugs anyone who’s willing) and wants to sit on my lap all the time.

Funnily enough she is now also under ENT and diagnosed with glue ear in both ears in December. I think she may have had it for quite some time (at least since early last year). They’re not too concerned as her speech is very good (always has been quite advanced) but she tells me she can’t hear properly at school sometimes (eg in the hall). She appears to hear well day to day but does ask me to repeat myself sometimes. We know she really struggled with the nativity in the run up to Xmas and I now think this was at least partly due to hearing (rehearsals in the hall where she couldn’t hear the teacher as they were further away). But then watching the nativity it was also very obvious that she was struggling much more than any other child to sit still. Another mum with an older child who has both ASD and ADHD has since mentioned how our DD reminder her of her DS so that has definitely got us thinking. I’m not sure whether the glue ear can explain all of her behaviours especially given her hearing generally doesn’t seem to be too badly affected and her speech isn’t delayed in any way but definitely keen to rule this out.

We're now on a waiting list for OT (they’re like gold dust, even privately, so if you are thinking about it get her name down somewhere now). I also spoke to our GP before Xmas who has referred her to the paediatricians but I’m not holding out for anything to happen quickly. I’ve also just finished reading a book called the Out of Sync Child by Carol Stock Kranowitz which was helpful and a lot of it rang true for me.

Happy to message directly if you’d like to keep in touch.

Hi, so after the initial discussion with the senco she asked us to fill out some forms. One is for a speech and language referral about his emotions and the other was an ASD checklist. He barely ticked anything on the ASD checklist so I don't think he has autism, but I think there could be something sensory going on.

We've heard nothing else from the the school since about his behaviour. They have incorporated some things which appears to have helped, and he also seems happier since having more snacks at school which they have allowed.

I think we also under estimated how tired school can be. He was waking up every day at 6am, sometimes earlier and I suspect overtiredness was causing this. Since he broke up from school on 22nd Dec , he's been sleeping a solid 12 hours a night, one day he even woke up at 8.50 which he has never done.. On Christmas day we were waiting for him to wake up , I think this break has done him wonders having lots of time at home to relax.

I'm abit anxious about next week as the 'bad week' happened the first week after Oct half term and he's already mentioned he doesn't want to go next week , so I suppose we will see what happens next week

If she's been diagnosed with glue ear it could have contributed to her behaviour, I guess time will tell for you . Is she having grommets, our ENT consultant mentioned this procedure at our last appointment, but i think they only like to do it in extreme circumstances so he told us he would reassess. This was 8 months ago now and we are still waiting for his next review, this has reminded me that I must chase this up

Good luck with the meeting, try not to worry . I had worked myself up about the one I had with school and I felt silly afterwards as it wasn't that bad.

No grommets yet as her speech isn’t impacted but they’ve promised a follow up in 3-4 months and will make a decision then as to whether grommets are required.

Thanks for your comments for next week - I think they want to talk about whether additional support needed but I’m not sure yet. They did put in place some additional support pre-Xmas as she seemed to be struggling with the nativity in particular.

Agree that tiredness may be a factor. DD is a very good sleeper but is having to be woken early for school and out of the house by 7am. It’s also difficult to get proper meals (other than her main school meal at lunchtime) down her due to the time available, so can’t help feeling she could be hungry too which definitely wouldn’t help. We’ll see how things go in January now the excitement of Xmas is over! We’ve actually had a good run of better behaviour at home since I’ve become more aware of the sensory seeking so hopefully that’s a positive sign.

From a reception teacher..please listen to her. She’s not saying your child has additional need, she ain’t diagnosing him with SEND, she isn’t criticising or judging. She is saying that some of the behaviour she they are seeing mean at the moment he might need some extra support. This doesn’t mean he will always need it, but he might. Parents being on board is the biggest thing that can help a child when in these situations though. I have met 100s of children and I’ve never been wrong about a child being SEN or just needing a bit of early intervention. The parents that accepted this early on and supported us in this saw their children flourish, the parents who dug their heels in and refused to accept that their child may need a bit of help were the ones complaining further up the school because we’d exhausted everything we could do (without their engagement) and their child was struggling. I’m absolutely not saying your DS will end up having SEN but remember the teacher is a professional and she can spot when children need an extra bit of help!