Can't stop thinking about what school have said

[Catsandcuddles]

My child has started school this year. He's classed as a summer born, although not the youngest (May birthday). He did a phased start and appeared to settle in well, first parents event was generally positive and I thought school was going well.

Fast forward a month and my son is having some problems. He keeps telling us he doesn't want to go to school, and 2 times this week I've had the teacher pull me at the end of the day to have a word about his behaviour. She mentioned something about "sensory seeking" and they would continue to monitor him and went on to say they might have to call us in about some additional support if his behaviours continue.

I havent heard of senory seeking before so I have looked online and it's planted a seed and put a doubt in my mind. I am now wondering if my child has some additional needs that I've never noticed, or is he just showing normal 4 year old behaviour. The worse thing is, I'm over analysing every thing my child does and thinking is this a sensory thing.

In addition to this, i have noticed his behaviour has become quite challenging at home since starting school. Not listening, not leaving the cats alone , refusing to tody his toys, all of these things which havent been an issue in the past..For some context, prior to school he was at a private nursery 4 full days a week. He was hapoy, thrived, had a good group of friends, good behaviour etc, there was never any mention of any concerns about his behaviour or from the SENCO.

So I'm just struggling to process this new information, did nursery /myself miss these cues or maybe my son is just struggling with the transition from nursery into school.

Sorry its long, but I just can't stop thinking, worrying and over analysing everything he does so would welcome anyone's input, has anyone experienced anything similar?

I have a similar son in Reception, though nursery also raised concerns, so his struggles are likely more pronoucned than your son's. He's just been diagnosed with ADHD (aged 5).

What I would do is this:

• Get him on waiting list to see ENT. Get checked for glue ear but also ask for tonsils and adenoids sizes to be checked.
• Arrange for private OT assessment to take place, in school (including an observation)
• Arrange for a private SALT assessment to take place, in school (including obs)
• Monitor situation and try to apply the recommendations from OT and SALT reports (at home and at school). Liaise with SENCo. Request an IEP if still issues.
• if issues persist, consider an ADHD and ASD assessment. Through Right to Choose you can arrange one quickly for free.
• depending on finances, could also consider OT and SALT sessions (at school)

We've done all the above this term and are now in the process of applying for an EHCP. Reading all that back, it sounds a lot! It's been a busy term!

Private nursery were the same for us, airbrushed over all issues because we were paying them a fortune, and because the staff were not trained to the same level as a teacher to spot it and were frequently changing.

If your child is autistic they will have found the transition to a new environment and people hugely challenging and this results with a huge increase in symptoms. Add to this the fact that school places demands on the child to perform academically and social demands and expectations of behaviour are greater with age.

Please don’t worry, if ASD is there it is better to have it assessed and support put in place early so your child can develop in a healthy environment and reach their potential.

Please also place the stereotypes relative to autism out of your head because they are not helpful; spoken as someone with ASD!

I found that small differences at nursery and reception became more obvious as other children accelerated away from mine. They were there in nursery but not so obvious to me. Nursery thought DD autistic. Dismissed by physio as last ts of things could explained by another condition. Turned out autistic. Different teacher, same nursery missed much more obvious autism signs in ds.

Primary and secondary missed dds autism.

Also it's tricky as he is summer born boy who will stand out as silly/behind against autumn born girls.

However, I would pay attention to the sensory seeking. If school thinks he needs more help... Take it. Life might have been easier if mum had allowed me to get extra help almost 50 years ago.

Rather than analyse the findings of an adult who has been in contact with your child for less than half a year because they are experienced in the age group he fits into, go back to staff at his nursery and ask what they miss/enjoyed about his attendance.

Your boy is grieving the end of one school and all the changes that come with a new milestone. What are school doing to remind him how much of a joy he is to be there? To be proud of his effort in all the challenges he's overcoming?

Another point is to read some books on behaviour of boys who grew up in the 80s and 90s. He's being pinned to a seat for lots of hours a day. Did you know that all boys schools have more rest breaks than mixed in America? Boys have boundless energy and schools really are failing them with their confinement.

Movement and noise help regulate a nervous system. Unless you're feeding him food that he's burning off too quickly, it's unlikely he's doing anything different to a few generations ago.

Not listening to you say no? If he's an only or the youngest almost every person he comes in contact with is taller and bossier than him. Everyone is saying no and he has no one to be responsible for/say no to. That's a lot of negativity and disappointed people he has to deal with most days.

In your situation I would contact the school and ask them to remove him from their register and send him to a forest school (not a school with forest school style lesson once a week) 2 or 3 days a week followed by lots of free play activities and perhaps a structured sport that involves balance.

Once he's 5 you can consider whether classroom style education works for his happiness and wellbeing or if he should continue to just be a boy and enjoy his childhood learning the way he feels supported.

A friend of mine found this book really useful in figuring out her child’s sensory needs. Although it can be indicative of additional challenges it’s also true that most of us have our own individual sensory biases and it can be helpful to identify what these might be so you can help your child meet his, just like you would with universal needs like food/water/cuddles! Anyway, she found this very empowering - hope it’s of some help to you too

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Understanding-Your-Childs-Sensory-Signals/dp/B00HTK08M4/ref=sr_1_1?crid=56IGDZJRYYG8&keywords=Understanding+Your+Child%27s+Sensory+Signals%3A+A+Practical+Daily+Use+Handbook+for+Parents+and+Teachers&qid=1655682596&sprefix=understanding+your+child+s+sensory+signals+a+practical+daily+use+handbook+for+parents+and+teachers%2Caps%2C221&sr=8-1

From what you've said it sounds as though his behaviour wobbled when he wasn't hearing as well, had a bad cough and wasn't getting enough sleep. Learning the ways of school is hard enough when you're fully healthy and it's not uncommon for there to be blips. If he's not been hearing well he may have been using other senses to compensate. Being sleep deprived won't have helped, as will not getting outside to burn off some of his energy. Four year old boys typically have tons of energy!
I think the teacher did the right thing in flagging up to you that they had some concerns, early intervention can make a huge difference.
Hopefully the transition back into school routine will go okay. I'd maybe be getting him up earlier each day so that Monday isn't quite such a shock to the system, especially as he's been sleeping so much.

I would agree with pushing a little harder for grommets. The discomfort and hearing loss from glue ear can cause ongoing behavioural issues even without other factors.

Then when that’s sorted, you can monitor for other potential issues while working on exercise and sleep :)

I think sensory seeking at 4 is pretty normal!!! They’re four fgs. Hope things have improved for you and your ds xox

Aw I feel sad for you and your little boy especially given how happy you both were when he was at nursery and how stressed he has become at school. Tells you everything you need to know about how schools fail to meet so many children's needs.

It is 💯 not for a child to be school ready or any of that crap, and entirely the school's responsibility to meet new starters where they are at.

Children are not designed for the school system and certainly not for one particular style of learning.

However, please don't overthink this. Your boy is still the same wonderful little person you've known since birth, he just needs a bit more nurturing while he navigates this weird place with a bazillion rules.

Don't compare him with others; he may or may not have a sensory processing disorder but it's not something you can or should try to fix, it's just who he is.

Children with additional needs are often glorious in their uniqueness and very clear lens on the world.

Let him be who he is, make allowances for his missteps as he deals with the adjustment to school life and take it one step at a time

My son has similar behaviour. We’re a few years on and he has an adhd diagnosis but for other children with similar behaviour they grew out of it - so it was very much watch and wait at this age.

However, a lot of the home and school interventions for adhd do no harm at all for a child without, so you can move towards putting in support whilst watching and waiting.

Different children are different but a couple of things which we have found really successful are no tablet use during the week, exercise every morning before school, a “soft start” at school in the morning, extra movement breaks in class. A lot of other parents have reported huge success with cutting out artificial colourings in food and supplements of omega fish oils.

On a more overall view any interventions that focus on emotional intelligence are good - our school uses zones of regulation. As are things like play therapy which support emotional development.

Sounds like my son. He is 8. Was always described as "stubborn" in nursery but no other issues, then from reception it started to show. Because he is an August baby we just tested the water for a while, to see if it was just him being so young. Got referred for assessment in year one, diagnosed adhd and autistic in year 3. My advice would be to ask school to keep a record, if you do down the line need them to apply for an EHCP (or apply for one yourself as I had to do) then you have evidence of any extra support and any issues. Try not to worry though, having additional needs isn't a bad thing, my son is a loving and inquisitive 8 year old!

I mean May is summer born - both in terms of where it falls in the school year, well beyond mid or older and legally in relation to ‘summer born’ admissions. The evidence is also pretty clear. But yes, by all means, make a point based on anecdote and individual experience. Agree with all the rest though!

While you have to listen, pay attention and act on what they say, do remember he’s still only 4, so go with them but remember he is so young and school is beyond tiring (I sent my eldest to school possibly a year too early and noticed the difference between him and the almost 6 year olds straight away!) . I’d also advise getting him to sit down more at home with fun stuff, play X’s and O’s on a piece of paper, do some drawing together, reading, play dough, jigsaws etc, and as someone said look into eg a sport with him. IlAnother for ears to be checked too! Best of luck op

sensory needs are pointers to neurodiversity, as is licking
the school can keep and eye and make a referral if necessary.

i agree with this
. Your boy is still the same wonderful little person you've known since birth, he just needs a bit more nurturing while he navigates this weird place with a bazillion rules.

I do not wish to alarm you OP but I could have written your post myself, even down to the ENT involvement and sleep apnea.

I tried every thing, I cooperated with the school, never made excuses for his behaviour etc, enforced consequences, nothing changed because it turns out he has ASD which is where a lot of the sensory seeking stemmed from. He’s now at an independent specialist school and thriving.

Hi OP @Catsandcuddles

DS1 had some of the same issues as your DS when he started school, and received an ASD and ADHD diagnosis when he was 7. ADHD meds have been life changing for him, and he is doing brilliantly at school (he’s now 11). I’m sure this will be the case for your DS, whatever the outcome.

One other thing jumped out at me from your post: you say that you’re an anxious person and worry a lot. Have you ever considered that you might be ND in some way? It didn’t cross my mind until DS1 was flagged up, but I’m now fairly sure I too am ND.

Good luck!

May is not summer born. He's actually middle to older in his year group. I hate the summer born excuse anyway I have worked with lots of children and in real life it just doesn't fit.

What do you mean?

This thread is littered with people who have 'worked with lots of children in real life'.

My DD is also a summer born (August). Her nursery teacher constantly whinged at me and implied SEN. She used to phone me at work complaining about things like "She has been putting sand in her mouth - it seems to be a sensory thing". I was like errm she's 3 - they do stuff like this? I refused to take DD to the appointments she wanted me to. DD is in year 1 now and doing great although you can tell she is a lot younger than some of the other kids. Some of them are 11 months older than her and that's a huge amount for kids that age.

It's true what others have said about school being a big transition. Try not to worry too much about SEN if you've never worried about it before. This probably won't be popular on here but I think sometimes kids just being kids is perceived as autism/ADHD when it's not.

I hate the summer born excuse anyway I have worked with lots of children and in real life it just doesn't fit.

What a load of shit. You think at such a young age a September born child doesn't have a huge advantage over an August born child? I don't think you're very good at your job if you don't realise how much a child develops in one year.

Well said.

Her maths isn't up to much either.

I had my child’s grommets done privately many years ago - he was under 2, and back then the NHS wouldn’t do it until they were at least 3 I think it was, is it the same thinking now with age? Just curious.

They were a different child after that procedure, no more painful ear infections and upset.

I have heard others inside fee paying nursery settings say, they are told to be careful what they flag as to not distress the parent clients. It’s a tricky business when your income relies on customer satisfaction.

He's only a baby, they're all sensory seeking at 4. I honestly think schools get a secret bonus for planting doubts in parent's minds. I remember when my 9 year old started school and I got pulled up at so many pick up times by his teacher. All suggesting he has 'issues'. They even gave him a sensory sucky toy, like a dummy, to wear round his neck because they said he kept sucking his thumb. He got bullied for it but otherwise I wouldn't have found out about the dummy. It actually made me cry and hate doing the pick up. I refused to engage in it further and told them he was only 4, leave it until he was older as he was settling in. And when he moved into year 1 he had a different teacher and it was never mentioned. He is a very high achieving talented boy now btw, no issues. Ps they don't tidy their toys readily, don't give that another thought, what 4 year old wants to tidy their toys?!
Also absolutely agree with other posters to increase his daily activity. Scoot to school and have a good runaround after. It really helped my son.