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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Had to delete/block a guy before date after too many red flags

103 replies

struggling13 · 17/11/2023 19:13

Was speaking to a guy for around a month initially on a dating app and then on whatsapp/insta, everything seemed to be going well had a few facetimes and spoke often on the phone etc. Was supposed to be going on a date with him tonight however I had to cancel and delete him off everything due to what I think is valid concerns, my sister thinks I should've maybe still gone on the date.
The concerns include, he lied about his age on his profile which I didn't find out about until this week he said he was 35, he is actually in his 40's (I'm in my mid 20's). On the phone to him on tuesday evening we were casually talking about exes and he confessed he had stalked a previous ex stating when she broke up with him he hacked her Facebook, phone and emails and would park outside her house to make sure she hadn't moved on ( admittedly he did say it was 10 years ago and he had been to therapy since then) but it just gave me a really bad feeling in my stomach when he said it. Lastly on the first facetime I noticed he looked alot older/not quite like his profile photos and for what would have been the date he kept insisting to pick me up from my house, I was obviously unsure after his stalking admission and he kept pushing for my address quite persistently. Although not a mother, I do care for my disabled younger sibling here and felt it fair not to put them in danger if he turned out to be a looney. Was I right to trust my instinct by cancelling the date yesterday and blocking him off everything (mainly as he had admitted he could hack phones location etc) or did I act abit hasty?

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 17/11/2023 19:14

YANBU. Never resume contact with him.

CatOnAMushroom · 17/11/2023 19:15

Hell no. Run for the hills

Sunbird24 · 17/11/2023 19:15

Always trust your gut. Better to be safe.

WannabeMathematician · 17/11/2023 19:16

Yup! No questions, I would have too.

Peppermintlover · 17/11/2023 19:16

YANBU, poor advice from your sister!!! Keep him blocked. Always follow your gut.

NearlyMonday · 17/11/2023 19:17

Tell him why you are blocking him, then block him

LylaLee · 17/11/2023 19:17

You've learnt a valuable thing. Your sister has shit standards, she has poor judgement. Don't take advice from her again with reference to relationships.

And any one of those things is enough to block and delete.

Dogknowsbest · 17/11/2023 19:18

I'm 100% with you. The lying on it's own is enough of a reason. The stalking thing is a massive flag.

ExplodingSmittens · 17/11/2023 19:18

Very worrying that your DSister thinks you should have gone on the date.

You've definitely done the right thing. He has so many red flags he could make his own bunting.

LylaLee · 17/11/2023 19:18

NearlyMonday · 17/11/2023 19:17

Tell him why you are blocking him, then block him

He knows why. No need for paragraphs. Block and delete.

WannabeMathematician · 17/11/2023 19:18

@NearlyMonday no don’t tell him! Then he can hide the red flags better for the next woman!

Coyoacan · 17/11/2023 19:20

Does your sister not want to have to split the inheritance?

NearlyMonday · 17/11/2023 19:20

Not quite the point of the post - but if you meet someone on a dating site, surely that’s with a view to dating, but you’ve spent a month texting before planning to meet up? An earlier meet up would have sorted some of this out, surely?

allydoobs83 · 17/11/2023 19:20

You definitely made the right decision. Don't be tempted to resume contact. Even without his stalker history, the fact that he's so insistent on you giving him your address rings alarm bells.

LBFseBrom · 17/11/2023 19:21

You were right to put a stop to this before it properly started, and to not give him your address. Would that everyone was as sensible.

Missingmyusername · 17/11/2023 19:21

Name didn’t begin with a D did it?! At least he was so honest he stopped you making a massive mistake.
You don’t need to engage, but just say you aren’t ready to date and then block.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 17/11/2023 19:21

Was I right to trust my instinct by cancelling the date yesterday and blocking him off everything

Always trust your instinct when red flags are telling you to cancel. Always.

He’s a liar. He’s admitted being a stalker and a hacker. He tried to override your wishes and pushed for your address.

Turn it the other way - why on Earth would you have met him after those things?!

Catza · 17/11/2023 19:22

Lying about the age is not a concern - I dated someone who knocked 10 years off his online profile. Turned out his mate told him he would have more chances of meeting women this way, once he realised he didn’t want to keep on lying but the app wouldn’t let him change his age without creating e new profile. We are still friends many years later and I don’t have a bad word to say about him.
Stalking, however, is a major red flag. As a rule, I don’t let people pick me up or drop me off at home on a first date. I would have, however sent a message to say the contact doesn’t feel right and I am going to stop the communications before blocking. I just think it is nice to be courteous and not let people hanging.

EmmaEmerald · 17/11/2023 19:23

ExplodingSmittens · 17/11/2023 19:18

Very worrying that your DSister thinks you should have gone on the date.

You've definitely done the right thing. He has so many red flags he could make his own bunting.

This.

bossybloss · 17/11/2023 19:23

Just block without explanation!!

Trust your gut. X

Shivermetimbersmearty · 17/11/2023 19:23

Sounds like he wants your address so he can check you out before/after date. Very weird and controlling.

the lying about the age is enough of a red flag in itself.

just block and delete. Don’t give him reasons, but if you’d prefer to let him down gently, just say sorry but you’ve decided you don’t want to date anyone right now. Bye.

Disturbia81 · 17/11/2023 19:24

Catza · 17/11/2023 19:22

Lying about the age is not a concern - I dated someone who knocked 10 years off his online profile. Turned out his mate told him he would have more chances of meeting women this way, once he realised he didn’t want to keep on lying but the app wouldn’t let him change his age without creating e new profile. We are still friends many years later and I don’t have a bad word to say about him.
Stalking, however, is a major red flag. As a rule, I don’t let people pick me up or drop me off at home on a first date. I would have, however sent a message to say the contact doesn’t feel right and I am going to stop the communications before blocking. I just think it is nice to be courteous and not let people hanging.

Nah it's gross, means he wants younger women. Get rid OP, he's far too old for you. Enjoy your 20s!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 17/11/2023 19:24

Lying about the age is not a concern

I completely disagree with that. Adding or removing a year for a bit of anonymity from friends and family is one thing.

10 years is actively trying to get around people’s chosen filters and is utterly deceptive.

His wish to meet more people absolutely does not trump the right of people to only wish contact from people in their chosen age range. It’s utterly disrespectful and shows a complete disregard for other peoples boundaries.

struggling13 · 17/11/2023 19:25

Coyoacan · 17/11/2023 19:20

Does your sister not want to have to split the inheritance?

To be honest I hadn't fully told her all of the stalking stuff I just said he admitted to acting abit crazy at breakups. And in his defence not that he deserves it he stated he did it because she randomly moved out one day whilst he was at work and changed her numbers and kept refusing to talk to him. Even reading that now makes me think wtf. I had only spoke to him twice briefly since Tuesday evening as I was trying to process everything together and woke up this morning with a really bad feeling abit him.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 17/11/2023 19:25

Lying about their age suggests someone who's just out for a fuck or a few. You can't keep that shit up for any length of time and I suppose they don't intend to.

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